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Joined: Nov 2010
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If you are a BS who had a FALSE RECOVERY I am requesting you share about your FR
1. WHAT did you do that you wish you'd done differently?
2. WHAT clues did you miss (or ignore) that your WS was not ready for recovery?
3. WHAT lessons did you learn that you'd like to pay forward to others, so that they might avoid a FR?
Thanks! 1. I was a doormat. I believed what he said. I wish I posted on MB instead of reading basic concepts and thinking we could do it ourselves. I wish I had exposed his 1st affair. We ended contact but told loved ones it was because they did things we didn't approve of. I wish I didn't tell that lie. In the end I did tell the kids the truth after last affair. They were greatful to know the truth. The last 6 years as a family XWH was a toxin and the kids could feel something but didn't know what it was. 2. Biggest clue was he was always busy and had an excuse not to connect with me. We will talk but first I need to (fill in blank) I was on perpetual hold for years. He even said HE needed to forgive himself, huge clue. He made it about him. At first he seemed loving when I triggered but that quickly turned to defensiveness. When I would find out his FBF sent text & he didn't tell me he would say he didn't want to hurt me. Lie after lie to cover his secrets and to avoid accountablility. 3. POST! Listen to advice of other posters. Work on you and your self esteem. Affairs shatter the very core of who you are. WS should be there for you not tear you down. Listen to your gut, not WS babble. When you get that "somethings wrong" feeling it probably is.
BW 46 XWH 46 Boys 17 & 19 Girls 16 & 10 D-day #1 12/2006 (confessed affair in 2004 w/BF & his wife) D-day #2 10/2008 (denied by XWH) D-day #3 10/2010 Kick WH out 01/2011 he files for D D finally final 03/2012 I'm free!
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[/size]Wish I had done differently:[size:14pt]
I would have done a more thorough exposure. VP of WH's HR was advised, but not with the name of the OW. New boss aware, but present boss not advised, as he is a particularly untrustworthy guy. Effect of this; A continued underground. OW not fired or transferred. WH's transfer was dragged out from 2-3 months to 6 months.
I allowed WH to persuade me to he could do "business only" contact until his new job was set up. Okay, there is no such thing.... WH maintained non-personal contact for a total of 4 days.... Effect of this: FR, 6 months. Further entrenchment of A to the point where WH could not separate from the Dolly without help, after a total of 12 month A.
Wish I had verified more effectively. WH provided a daily account of his contact w/ the Dolly. Of course, it was only selective accounts. My verification was not strong enough.
Wish I had snooped more effectively to confirm status of A.
Wish I had been less eager to believe WH. Truth is, [/i] he was no longer my partner. My husband had been replaced by a wayward alien.[i]
[/size]Clues I missed[size:14pt]
No remorse from WH. He actually TOLD me he felt no remorse. Though this puzzled me, I did not see the red flag.
WH always defended the Dolly, even tho he knew he hurt me tremendously, EVEN WHEN SHE THREATENED MY LIFE (!). I was trying to be empathic to WH's pain.
Red flag: WH refused to join me on our wedding anniversary, even tho I told him how very important it was to me, and I offered many ways he could do it. Discovered later he had a dirty weekend with the Dolly instead.
Red flag: WH missed ALL important celebrations for the year (my birthday, Valentines Day, anniversary, granddaughter's birthday) except Christmas, but only skidded home at the last minute on Christmas eve. Of course, he preferred to spend time ANYWHERE else - even overseas - than with me. I now can't bear it if he sends me flowers (his default gift during A.)
Red Flag: WH completely avoided dealing with marital crisis of his own son. Never even called him, over 6 months. Let me deal with the whole thing, even tho I am "just" the step-mum. Of course, he could NOT provide counselling for marriage when he was so guilty himself. But really, this was throwing his son under the bus... (BTW, they are fine now, thanks to MB)
Red Flag: when WH finally learned about nuclear exposure concept (from website) he was furious. Said he and the Dolly would have run away together if I had tried it. If he was remorseful and wanting to work on recovery, he would have understood the benefits.
Red Flag: WH always dragged his feet on his assignments from SH. Could not stand to talk about A.
[/size]Lessons learned:[size:14pt]
EXPOSE. Wide, far and long. Be not afraid....
VERIFY.
SNOOP BEYOND REASON.
ASSUME THE AFFAIR IS ONGOING, and let the facts and your WS prove otherwise. This is not just me being bitter.... I think BS's want to work it out with their spouse so much that we are easily fooled. We even fool ourselves, conveniently.
AVOID FR AT ALL COSTS. It makes recovery, already a difficult road, much longer, narrower and more treacherous.
Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
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mbsurvivor11@gmail.com
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Joined: Aug 2012
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BW 35 WH 31 Married to a serial cheater D Day - 9 times between June 2012 & April 2013 Plan B - April 13, 2013 Plan D - In the works
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Joined: Oct 2000
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OP
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I hope this story serves as a warning for anyone starting recovery. To start, I did not have this forum to guide me. I was reading some of the good Dr�s writings but at that time did not incorporate it into my life. How I wish I could turn back time�. Leading up to dday, I had suspicions for months. I completely cleared up my side of the fence (which was mainly LB�s) and I am very proud of the person I became. Snooping did the job and the A was revealed.
Quick summary. Married 14yrs, DD5 DS 7. FWW had 9 mo EA/PA with POSOM. Started on FB. Dday was March 2011. Upon discovery, kicked her out of the house that night. Never in a million years did I consider the possibility of reconciliation.
One week later, FWW wanted to work things out and my conditions were simple. 1)Never lie to me ever again. 2)No contact with OM for life. She agreed. (how na�ve I was�) She agreed and we stared to think about working things out.
We had no plan at that time. She got an apartment and we started spending time together. I was putting in everything I had to show her the person I was becoming (Plan A). My participation was solely based on the 2 above agreed upon items. We plotted along for several months and every time I asked if there had been any contact, I got a murky response which was never clear. But, somehow I believed her (stupid me). I had no ability to snoop on her work computer and wanted to believe her so bad that I continued to Plan A like a rock star. At the time, I didn�t think about Plan A, I was just being genuinely me..a kind and generous person.
So, time went along. We began to spend more and more time together. As time went along, I wasn�t getting a firm commitment to recovery from her. I was more a feeling that �let�s see how things go�.
Fast forward to January 2012. Upon snooping and questioning of several things, I discovered they had secretly set up email accounts and had been communicating the entire time. The A had never ended. They had 2 secret rendezvous at a public restaurant. One in June 2011 and one in July 2011.
I had been lied to continuously for another 9 months. FR. Needless to say, I was devastated. Didn�t think she would ever stop lying to me and at that point it was over for me. My chips were cashed in. Done. Done. Done. Told her we would be divorcing and that was that.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on ME. What was actually happening during this 9mo time, is that she was indeed falling back in love with me (by some crazy miracle). When I called for D, this shook her back into reality as she now really saw how special our family is.
The reality of being lied to during our FR was more devastating than the A itself. I was completely beheaded and it completely drained her LB account for me. My love for her was gone. I had no desire to continue with this marriage at all. Then, by the grace of God, she GOT IT. We have taken MB�s and fully incorporated them into our M. MB is the only thing that is saving us.
Now, what is the moral of the story? Listen to the vets on this site. Follow MB to the tee. I really believe that if I would have had MB, we could have avoided a FR. BUMPING for the newbies.
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Me BW 37 WH 45 ILYB 21/09/2012 EA/PA discovered 26//09/2012 Plan A for four weeks. Moved back to the UK with the kids and left my WH behind end of October 2012/ WH moved in with OW immediately after I left. Now in planB
PlanB since 30/10/12
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This has been the most helpful information. I had FBs before finding MB. We are seperated and he currently lives with OW. He has gone back and forth between us each time. Ehat would I have done different. I would have not cried and begged for his return this let him know thw door was still open. I would have snopped with a purpose. I did alot of dnooping for the wrong rrasons, not to get evidence but to find out what,was so great about her. I would have done a better more extensive exposure. I would have cared about me more this Im learning now.. I would have waited until,he was truely ready and remorseful insteaf of fearing this was my last chance Now that Ive learned some Im plan,Bing my butt off and
BS Married going to be 24 years May 13, 2013 Together 28 years 2 adult children D-Day 3/28/2012 (day of 1st separation)
Separated again 3/12/13
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Joined: Nov 2010
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Wanted to combine these two threads because they both have a plethora of information. False Recovery
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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The following was posted on the "RECOVERY" forum .... Later the mods moved her discussion to the SAA forum. This is an excellent example of WHAT NOT TO DO. S= the BW G= the WH Both have access to the MB forum, but this was written by the BW. Is there such a thing as a modified Plan B or a part time Plan B? And if so how is it done?
In January 2013 my husband of 26 years confessed that for last 18 months he'd had 3 different relationships/affairs. My husband and I have been working on Plan A for 11 weeks but recently he told me he wants to move out on a part time basis. He has an opportunity to have a free place to stay (condo sit) for about six months and he�d like to stay at this location 2-4 nights a week to have time away to think and experience what it would be like to be separated. That maybe being away from the family and me a few nights a weeks or a few weeks at a time would help him appreciate what he has and that when he comes back at the end of the six months he�ll be ready to give our marriage his 100 percent.
We�ve tried to come to and enthusiastic agreement but we are stuck. All of my husband�s brainstorming suggestions center around him being able to be away from home to sort things out, to do his work without having to worry about the marriage builders prescriptions and to have the flexibility to do what he wants throughout the day. I am not at all comfortable with his suggestions because I am committed to Plan A.
Am I wrong for being disagreeable to him having the flexibility to come and go from our home as he feels his emotional needs need to be met? He says it�s not like that - he does not want to move out - he wants to still keep his things here and he�ll need to have access to our home office, his tools, his belongings. After all in his mind this is only temporary and he�ll have to come home after the 6 months is over and he does not really want to �separate� he just wants the opportunity to get away for a few weeks or days at a time. He really does not know what he wants or how long it will take because he has not done it yet and he wants to see how it goes.
I am confused because I do not want him to move out for fear that it will make matters of concern worse. Yet, I don�t want to feel like I am forcing him to stay at home to work on Plan A when he really does not want to be here and keeps thinking of the opportunity he is missing by not using the six months to have a free place to stay while it�s available. I also cannot imaging being on that emotional roller coaster wondering if he�ll be wanting to stay home one night and then not the next; or be gone for a few weeks only to return home a night or two and then decide he�s not ready. Is that really fair to me and the family?
I feel that if he is going to move out then he should do just that - separate completely for the six months. I really do not want to go this route because I�m committed to Plan A; but at the same time what good is it to have him home knowing he wants to be somewhere else and knowing that I am the one driving Plan A? The prolonged gridlocked on what to do is having an adverse effect on me and I am starting to feel more heartbroken and lonely. I am starting to think that Plan B may be the only option regardless of me not having an enthusiastic agreement.
So, is there such a thing as a part time or modified plan B? If so, how does one implement it? This BW wants so desperately to believe the hogwash her WH is telling her that she has suspended her common sense..... This is exactly what a BW SHOULD NOT DO. If it seems like the WH is making a CRAZY REQUEST .... that's because he IS still wayward and this is NOT "marriage recovery" after his affair. Another HUGE MISTAKE was to bring the WH on board to her MB forum access while he was still foggy and wayward. LINK to original thread
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This is exactly what a BW SHOULD NOT DO.Would I be out of line by suggesting the excellent post above would be improved by "de-genderizing" (neutering?) the "B" and "W" designations? Only Warner Brothers saw fit to make all the Looney Tunes characters male!
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What do I wish I'd done differently?
I wish that I would have realized the total evilness that was seeded in my life. Instead, I kept thinking that it was all a dream and couldn't be as bad as everyone was implying. I was wrong. It was worse than what everyone had been trying to tell me. There were layers and layers of lies. I doubt that there is a way to REALIZE the truth any faster, but if there were, I wish that I had done that.
What clues did I miss that H was not ready for recovery?
The biggest one was that he said beautiful words, flowery and romantic like I hadn't heard since we had dated over 30 years previously...and then when his actions didn't match up, he would play dumb and apologize (again with beautiful words).
Something else that he did was plan amazing dates. Lovely romantic dates. Totally catered to the things that I loved to do. He had never EVER done that in about 30 years, and I wish that I would have realized that the drastic change came too much too fast.
Another thing that I missed was that he had NO apparent withdrawal during the FR. It seemed odd that he could carry on for 12 years and then not miss it at all. But I'd read that not all WS go through withdrawal, so I eventually dropped it. WRONG (for me). When the real NC began, the ugliness that ensued was that out of a horror film. And I am not being dramatic. YOU WILL NEVER MISTAKE THE GUTTURAL PAIN OF GENUINE WITHDRAWAL.
What lessons did I learn that I would like to pay forward and hopefully save others from the pain of a FR?
1) If you want to save your M, YOU are going to have to buck up and accept that for right now�until the fog melts and for a good long while�you are going to have to go it alone for a bit (even if in the same house with your spouse). He/She is not your "partner" right now! That will be built back and earned slowly. Be kind, squash your love busters, and work together at things, but do not be in ANY hurry to "get back to the way that things were". Those days are long gone and it will be a new marriage anyway. Verify EVERYTHING constantly at first. Don't rely on words or emotions.
2) DO NOT show your spouse the MB forums until you have some (verified) true recovery under your belt. Otherwise, they can just use it to gather intel to see what you are doing to snoop and to predict your actions.
3) Don't miss a single opportunity to verify your snooping equipment. I almost missed the proof of FR because it took me so long to listen to the VAR every couple of days, and I would keep losing my place with it. Even when you're beat tired, DO IT. I would have (much) better budgeted my time and energy so that I paid close attention to the VAR each day.
4)Go to the ends of the earth if you have to in order to ensure NC. If you really want to save your M, there is no other way. ESPECIALLY with a long term A, the EPs have to be extra EXTRA extraordinary. When you *think* that you have enough protections in place, add more!
5)When people talked about how HARD the work of recovery was, I should have believed them and multiplied that in my head a hundred fold. It is a LOT more difficult than we ever imagined. And I can only guess that it's MUCH more difficult now than it would have been without the FR. So please do not skip ANY of Dr. H's steps for recovery, and especially do not "skimp" on exposure.
DDays - six months of them THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders. We never knew that it could be this good!
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I read your story. My husband is self employed and has a truck business. As you are aware accountability of time is an issue; did he end up changing professions?
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