If you are a BS who had a FALSE RECOVERY
I am requesting you share about your FR

1. WHAT did you do that you wish you'd done differently?

2. WHAT clues did you miss (or ignore) that your WS was not ready for recovery?

3. WHAT lessons did you learn that you'd like to pay forward to others, so that they might avoid a FR?

Thanks!

I hope this story serves as a warning for anyone starting recovery.
To start, I did not have this forum to guide me. I was reading some of the good Dr�s writings but at that time did not incorporate it into my life. How I wish I could turn back time�. Leading up to dday, I had suspicions for months. I completely cleared up my side of the fence (which was mainly LB�s) and I am very proud of the person I became. Snooping did the job and the A was revealed.

Quick summary. Married 14yrs, DD5 DS 7. FWW had 9 mo EA/PA with POSOM. Started on FB. Dday was March 2011. Upon discovery, kicked her out of the house that night. Never in a million years did I consider the possibility of reconciliation.

One week later, FWW wanted to work things out and my conditions were simple. 1)Never lie to me ever again. 2)No contact with OM for life. She agreed. (how na�ve I was�) She agreed and we stared to think about working things out.

We had no plan at that time. She got an apartment and we started spending time together. I was putting in everything I had to show her the person I was becoming (Plan A). My participation was solely based on the 2 above agreed upon items.

We plotted along for several months and every time I asked if there had been any contact, I got a murky response which was never clear. But, somehow I believed her (stupid me). I had no ability to snoop on her work computer and wanted to believe her so bad that I continued to Plan A like a rock star. At the time, I didn�t think about Plan A, I was just being genuinely me..a kind and generous person.

So, time went along. We began to spend more and more time together. As time went along, I wasn�t getting a firm commitment to recovery from her. I was more a feeling that �let�s see how things go�.

Fast forward to January 2012. Upon snooping and questioning of several things, I discovered they had secretly set up email accounts and had been communicating the entire time. The A had never ended. They had 2 secret rendezvous at a public restaurant. One in June 2011 and one in July 2011.

I had been lied to continuously for another 9 months. FR. Needless to say, I was devastated. Didn�t think she would ever stop lying to me and at that point it was over for me. My chips were cashed in. Done. Done. Done. Told her we would be divorcing and that was that.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on ME.
What was actually happening during this 9mo time, is that she was indeed falling back in love with me (by some crazy miracle). When I called for D, this shook her back into reality as she now really saw how special our family is.

The reality of being lied to during our FR was more devastating than the A itself. I was completely beheaded and it completely drained her LB account for me. My love for her was gone. I had no desire to continue with this marriage at all.
Then, by the grace of God, she GOT IT. We have taken MB�s and fully incorporated them into our M. MB is the only thing that is saving us.

Now, what is the moral of the story? Listen to the vets on this site. Follow MB to the tee. I really believe that if I would have had MB, we could have avoided a FR.

Is there such a thing as a modified Plan B or a part time Plan B? And if so how is it done?

In January 2013 my husband of 26 years confessed that for last 18 months he'd had 3 different relationships/affairs. My husband and I have been working on Plan A for 11 weeks but recently he told me he wants to move out on a part time basis. He has an opportunity to have a free place to stay (condo sit) for about six months and he�d like to stay at this location 2-4 nights a week to have time away to think and experience what it would be like to be separated. That maybe being away from the family and me a few nights a weeks or a few weeks at a time would help him appreciate what he has and that when he comes back at the end of the six months he�ll be ready to give our marriage his 100 percent.

We�ve tried to come to and enthusiastic agreement but we are stuck. All of my husband�s brainstorming suggestions center around him being able to be away from home to sort things out, to do his work without having to worry about the marriage builders prescriptions and to have the flexibility to do what he wants throughout the day. I am not at all comfortable with his suggestions because I am committed to Plan A.

Am I wrong for being disagreeable to him having the flexibility to come and go from our home as he feels his emotional needs need to be met? He says it�s not like that - he does not want to move out - he wants to still keep his things here and he�ll need to have access to our home office, his tools, his belongings. After all in his mind this is only temporary and he�ll have to come home after the 6 months is over and he does not really want to �separate� he just wants the opportunity to get away for a few weeks or days at a time. He really does not know what he wants or how long it will take because he has not done it yet and he wants to see how it goes.

I am confused because I do not want him to move out for fear that it will make matters of concern worse. Yet, I don�t want to feel like I am forcing him to stay at home to work on Plan A when he really does not want to be here and keeps thinking of the opportunity he is missing by not using the six months to have a free place to stay while it�s available. I also cannot imaging being on that emotional roller coaster wondering if he�ll be wanting to stay home one night and then not the next; or be gone for a few weeks only to return home a night or two and then decide he�s not ready. Is that really fair to me and the family?

I feel that if he is going to move out then he should do just that - separate completely for the six months. I really do not want to go this route because I�m committed to Plan A; but at the same time what good is it to have him home knowing he wants to be somewhere else and knowing that I am the one driving Plan A? The prolonged gridlocked on what to do is having an adverse effect on me and I am starting to feel more heartbroken and lonely. I am starting to think that Plan B may be the only option regardless of me not having an enthusiastic agreement.

So, is there such a thing as a part time or modified plan B? If so, how does one implement it?