Really? Shut up, darling Knox.


You give away all your real power with this pointless nonsense.

WHERE IS YOUR PLAN?
I am not asking what pointless failed discussion are you going to have, yet again

You have crappy instincts about what is necessary to pull your marriage from this hell.

Are you here to implement MB plans or not?
Yes?
No?

Pepper: You are correct. Me telling him stuff - what I'm going to do, what I plan to do, what the experts says etc , DOES NOT WORK! I have recently stopped that. Now I just make nice friendly, fun, casual conversation (and he has been devoting spending more time with me). Either he will be hit with a dark plan B and have to make some decisions on his part or D day will come and I will have released him completly.

***He says his biggest fear is that I WON"T be willing to work on a new relationship with him after the D is final. Even has jokingly said that he won't let me know what the court day is.

Scotty: I feel like you are right , he has said so himself that the old marriage is done/ dead, that he wants us both to start over with a clean slate- no rehashing the past , no hurtful actions, just start anew. I've told him I feel like that would lead to a failed recovery and not something I would be interested in participating in.

Really, no one cares what he says.
You have no real plan and you are in complete shambles.
STOP posting his foggy babble.
It is irrelevant to what you should be doing.
You're thinking this crap matters shows how much you value talking/discussion what he "says" ..... over actions.

Plan B does not just pop out of your mouth like a burp.
It takes dutiful planning.
And, it is completely unannounced.

Pepper, again you are right, my instincts are shot at the moment. I feel like I am on a crazy carousel that just won't stop.

I just know that when he started throwing out all of the controlling, emotional abuse stuff at me that I cow towed and took it- started reading up on it and did see where some of my behavior at times could/would be considered emotionally abusive/ controlling. I thought I had read at some point on this site where Plan A/Plan B may not always work in those situations. So I guess I was just trying to get others perspectives on my situation.

I know what my instincts deep down are telling me to do (Plan B)- but I know that if he does truly view me as controlling/ abusive then that plan may not work.

I do want to to do things the MB way. But I have been convinced for months now that I am the one in the wrong and that my behavior destroyed him and our marriage- so I want to make sure ...heck I dunno know what I want to make sure of anymore lol.

As for my emotions, I am actually way better than I was back in May / June. Me & the kids moved to a different house (lower rent and more manageable for me). I am busy with my own business. I don't cry or have melt downs every day like I used too. I know I love him and want to save my marriage- but I also know I will be fine if that doesn't happen.

As for my plan.

I am thinking Plan A hard for the next 2 weeks (no AO's, no relationship talk) just fun and casual interaction. That would give him a few weeks combined of good plan A'ing without any crazy behavior as he says.

Then plan B. Very dark plan B.

Should additional exposure/ announcement of the impending divorce to his family take place now during the remaining PLan A or at the onset of Plan B?

Sounds like a plan !


You need to understand, in a real Plan A you have no expectations.

You expect no gratitude.
You expect no "atta-girl".
You expect none of your ENs to be met.

Well, maybe there is an expectation ....
You expect the cake-eater to jump head first and eat this Plan A up like a glutton. Cake & frosting all over his face. He's happy as can be. He gets everything and gives nothing.

CAN YOU DO IT?


PLAN for this.
ASK Scotty for help.
She's the Queen B.


Which do you think will have the greater impact?
I think, and this is only speculation on my part, that the greater exposure impact will be in Plan B.

Have you been tested for STDs?

It is easy for him to allow you to be his punching bag. He needs you to blameshift. Yes you did things wrong in the Pre-A marriage. You are not the cause of his affair or this divorce.

He is choosing to run, escape, deny, blame, be self-centered, destroy his family .... you are the one who is going to heal yourself and make a better life.

Plan A isn't about breaking him to be a better person it is about demonstrating you are a better person. You have been in Plan A long enough. Now is the time to do Plan B.

I encourage you to see a lawyer for a separation agreement immediately. I encourage you to no only read the book Giver/Taker, but also Lovebusters. I am going to put emphasis on you now in Plan A.

We are no longer worried about him anymore. Who cares what he is doing or how he is behaving. When you step out of his life and let either OW or someone else be his punching bag, then he will get a taste of reality.

Your WH is my WH's identical twin. The only way to help them is to get out of their way to let them be on their own. Don't be his enemy any longer. Instead graciously without warning go dark and become that strong, confident, and gracious woman. She is in there, now it is time to take her out!!!!

Tough

Yes, I have been tested for STD's and I went about a month ago and had my Dr. put me on anti-depressants/anti-anxiety medicine which helps tremendously.

That is the other thing- when I was 17 I was told that I was possibly bi-polar, I know for sure that I have suffered from general depression thru out my life - H sometimes uses this to explain my "crazy" thinking/ thoughts/ insecurities etc.

I agree that announcement going into Plan B would be more impactful - that and it would prob ruin the effects of Plan A lol. He has tried to tell me that everyone knows - however I have been told by other families that no everyone does not know- including his grandmother who is the feared matriarch of the family.

He compared me to a hunting dog a few weeks ago- bascially alluded to the fact that he let me get away with bad behavior for so long and that because he did let me get away with it - he is now having to go thru the retraining process with me.

I am also going to email the radio show as well , just to see what they have to say.

I do think it is a good idea to plan A him for 2 weeks more, without AO's etc.

BUT, have you ever thought about the possibility that he is just being nice to you so that you will give him good conditions in the divorce?
He sounds very manipulative! please google manipulative people and read a bit and you might have an eyeopening moment.
He is turning the truth around for so long, that you can't even differentiate black from white anymore.
Please talk to an attorney ASAP. You don't have to tell him, you can plan A him for the time being, but promise me, that you will not fall for that crap anymore. He is either very immature, or he is doing this conciously and dangling the remarriage as a carrot in front of the mules mouth.

Maybe he will see the light, or at least be willing to follow MB program once he loses the benefits of seeing you and spending time with the children in plang B.

God bless you,

Happyheart

I'm glad to hear this.


You'll find out soon.
Bi-polars (real ones) get worse on anti depressants.
It treats the depression and then the mania comes in like a tidal wave.

I doubt you are bi-polar.
Teenagers act that way all the time !!!!!!

Not interested in his commentary.
He's a freeloader at the moment.


OK.
Meanwhile.
Plan A.
Plan for Plan B.

HappyHeart,

I thought that too, that maybe he was dangling the remarriage as the carrot for me to go along and play nice to insure that he got a nice tidy divorce.

Believe it or not that is one of the reasons he says that he went ahead and filed. Well 2 reasons - A. the night before I had a meltdown and told him I was sick of being in Limbo, it was over, no chance of reconciling etc and to just go ahead and have his atty file the paperwork (knew he had met with him a few weeks before) and B. he says he wanted to prove to me that even after the Divorce papers were filed - he was still CHOOSING to spend his time with me (again he has a very high stress demanding job that he works from 7:30am-5:30Pm then takes a break to come have dinner with us and goes back from about 7:30-10:00, plus he works most all day Sat & Sun.

I signed the papers. Uncontested. We mututally agreed to the money/ kids situation.

So since mid July papers have been signed and D should be finalized in 60-90 days.

Yet, he still comes over every night (or tells me if he won't be able to), still has date night with me one night per week. Spends what time he has available (not working) with me, the kids or all of us. He says that by filing for the divorce it took the pressure of "whats going to happen" , "is she/he going to leave me" off us. And now we both know that when we're spending time together it's because we want too and choose too.

He says that he could have jumped into returning home - but he was home before and that didn't prevent him from cheating/ engaging in inappropriate behavior. He says we could stay married- but being married didn't stop him.

He says that he truly wants to show me that he is choosing to be with me. Not out of guilt , shame or a sense of obligation, but of his own free will.

Sometimes I get what he is saying. And that is why I get confused.

And that is why I wonder if my AO's have been sabotaging us like he claims?

His thing is that just because he is not choosing to follow my path to reconciliation does not mean that is not what his goal is.

Some time ago I posted a post in this forum to a man with a gaslighting wife, that may apply to your husband somewhat.

marriagebuilders

So your D could be final in a few weeks? Why did you wait so long to get advice on this? If you are in Plan D, and you actually plan on NOT dating him after the D, and your D will be final in a few weeks then what did you plan on doing from now until then to save your marriage? Is this a last ditch effort? Were you hoping that you could do it on your own and then realized that you couldn't?

I would say that you need to Plan B ASAP(days even).

You two live separately already right? Do you already have visitation and CS taken care of? Then all you would need is a good IM and a Plan B letter.

Of course it is positive that he wants to continue a relationship with you. But as it seems, he wants a relationship on his own terms. He does not seem to be showing much insight into how he contributed to the mess.

Have you verified his working hours?

God bless and good night, Happyheart

Bullocks.


You are confused because you've been listening to him thinking (assuming) that what he says is more important than what he's doing.


Again, big smelly load of bullocks.

Any man whose spouts off that his "plan for reconciliation" is divorce .... is full of crap. FULLY full.

And, you're buying this.

A divorce will prove how much he wants to be with you ?????????

THE FACT IS THIS ....

HE IS DIVORCING YOU.

Scotty,

In the state we live in uncontested divorces usually take a minimum of 90 days when children are involved.

We signed the paperwork July 22nd, the atty did not file the paperwork with the courts until August 17th so not sure which date to count from - but yes 60-90 days til finalization.

Yes, I have been going it on my own. My H asked mt to try his way and to this point that is what I have been doing. He told me upfront when he was filing and told me it did not mean he was giving up on us but that he wanted the threat of the possibility off both our shoulders (ie: D has been filed , we can either work thru this or not whats the worse that can happen).

Other than the fact that he does not sleep in our home at night (stays with his mom) - and the fact that we do not have sex - in many ways it is like we are still married - we still chat and texts thru out the day, every night he comes home (then goes back to work for an hour or two then goes to his moms - and yes this has been verified). We then have our time together on the weekends.

We are not arguing (other than when I set in with my Ao's and Sd's in regards to wanting him to come home). In fact we have been communicating better than we had for awhile.

Over the last month or two I have seen change in him (compared to when he first left). Trying to set my mind at ease, spending time with us, sharing with me, doing sweet little tasks etc.

There is not currently anyone else - on either parties part- and yes I do know that as I have done extensive spying.

It is simply the fact that he does not live at home, and will not commit at this time to a MB recovery plan or counseling. He says that this will come in time if I will just step back and let nature takes its course. When I think about this I get hurt and angry and that has caused me to deliver some major Ao's and ultimatums. He says that whenever this happens it sets us back bc I am sabotaging us moving forward.

So no , we are not living as divorced people- we are living like how we were when we were married with the exception he does not stay here at night. Right now the kids stay with me full time - per the divorce they will live one week with me , one week with him. Neither one of us has pushed this issue as it stands. We still share the same bank account and have access to eachothers finances.

I guess some may wonder if I am unhappy at the moment? No not necessarily so. I have actually been quite at peace the last few weeks. I feel like for the first time we are both communicating and getting along really well. We've even been having fun together.

So then you ask, why did I reach out for help to MB?

BC I am scared. Scared that even if this crazy plan of his works that we are setting ourselves up for a false recovery.

Scared that I may look back and wonder if I should have done something different.

Scared that maybe he is right, and while our method has been unorthodox , it has been working and my own selfish behavior has been sabotaging it.

Do I believe the MB method works? Yes, I have read the stories here.

But I guess because I haven been feeling somewhat better and I have seen progress on his end it has been a bit confusing to me.

I guess more than anything I just wanted to hear other peoples suggestions/ perspectives.

He is going to lead you on indefinitely unless you lay down the law. He wants to divorce so that he can date other people, since he isn't married, and keep you around too. He likes you... but he likes them. Its time for Plan B and "Love Must Be Tough" By Dr. Dobson