I feel just the same way. I came close too.

thanks, indie, for this. obviously MB has been working wonders for you. i would like to join you.

It just goes to show you Dr Hs words of wisdom. "If you think you could never have an affair you are more likely to be the victim of one"

Being aware of your feelings, and knowing when your mind is having these thoughts, is part of being real and honest in your relationship. I remember in my first marraige talking to my W, and telling her everything, even how at times I was attracted to other women, but I knew it was not real and it still bothered me that it happened. It was all about the times we were in and lack of proper support for each of us for marriage, and our immaturity.

She was allready flirtatios and had a tendency to lie and manipulate, and I was searching for a level of communication to deal with these things above the board, because I would not give into that place that ruins all the marriages, compromise. But she held back communicating openly with the same kind of conviction, which eventually lead to her waywardness.

I don't judge her to harshly, because we did not have guidance, but I know I was more seriously dedicated to the marriage than she was, that I know to be true. For 30 years I have been in a Limbo never really understanding what was wrong, getting glimpses of what marrige could be with second W but not covering all the areas where we needed to, and untill I found MB I really just 'Sorta" had definition. But in a second even more challanging marriage I still had more of a bond than with the first one, because at one time we were really doing well.

Coming here has brought a lot of light, and also the convictions I had about marriage have been realized to be true, and acceptance of the past mistakes are giving me peace.

Like the above poster said, don't beat yourself up for the past, and now that we know better was the only way to do better isn't it?

Hey gurl,

If you can take another load...Mel is helping newbie kuran (?), but she sounds like you. No shrinking violet...:)

Korenzer...

Ah thanks! Will take a looksie

Just wondering how the following fits into Plan B

Had a letting agent round my house this morning, thinks they can get a renter in here no problem.

So I need to get moving with applying for a new mortgage in my name - and seing how much softlad will accept for the house.

Now - in my art of war way - I am thinking of really low balling him with how much I m prepared to pay for his share of the house.

But will my giving a ridiculously low offer turn me back into a common enemy and help strengthen the affair?

I just think I should go after as much money as I can get off him, taking advantage of the guilt and the situation hes in where hes paying for a house he cant live in....

My husband is paying for a house he can not live in and I am taking advantage of the guilt as well, he dropped an extra 500 in my account for a beach vacation with my boys he can not go on.... I do not think the $$ take care of the guilt. They have to live with it.

Protecting yourself financially and getting things separate are part of Plan B so I don't see it as a problem. There's just going to need to be a little creative working with you and your I.M. So there isn't too much back and forth with you and him. How woukd this effect what he would be paying for your other living expenses and have you prepared for that? Just weigh out all of your options and choose what would benefit YOU the most. I'll back you whatever you choose.

Weeped a little weep today, but not bad.

Ive been feeling pretty good for a while and today I had a nurse's appointment. I just asked her for some advice on how to go about getting screened for STDs, the chat we had all went well.

But walking outside I felt impossibly weepy for the first time in a while now.

I dont think I have anything to worry about, he stopped sleeping with me a while back, though you never now.

I suppose Im not used to being screwed over by men. Ive been engaged since I was 18 and am used to feeling protected, like no one that close to me would ever put me in the line of something dangerous. And that just isnt true any more.

Any way the little weep was over with in ten minutes, so cant complain

I am thinking about my time scale for divorce as I am healing q rapidly all things considered.

I still think December is a good time line as I doubt I will have any love left for him at this rate.

But really, perhaps I just dont want to think of myself being still in limbo, come the new year.

A naughty part of me also wants him to 'react' to the D, by waking out of his fog, which cant be correct thinking.

Indie, you really are doing so well and are an inspiration to me (and I am sure many others) as to where I want to get to. And as you have said to me, it is better to let the tears out rather then bottle it up, you are still grieving and something like an STD chat is a big trigger.

It HURTS that the person who promised to love and protect you, someone you likely would have trusted as the last person to ever cause you harm, has put you in this position where not only has he now caused you to question the risk to your physical health, but your emotional. I am still struggling to come to terms with this, and think this is my current hurdle; I just can't equate the man I married with the WH who is betraying me in this way. I have also thought about the STD check and admire your taking care of yourself, it is something I have put on backburner for the minute but do intend to do it.

And wanting him to react to the divorce... you are human. I was hoping WH would react to Plan B, but we need to remember that it is our expectations that cause us the pain when the WH fails to live up to them. Better to have no expectations and protect ourselves from further hurt. I know... easier said then done.

Thanks Cari,

I also had a little weep when I went to bed!

I know you will appreciate when I say this crying a month into Plan B, is totally different to withdrawal crying.

Withdrawal crying has sharp edges. Everything hurts in withdrawal actually. People being happy, people talking to you. Getting up etc.

This type of crying was more comforting and soon done with - you're headed to a much better place i promise.

Me and my sister were having a little chat tonight about finances. We worked out that if I can get a tenant in here I will be doing pretty well. I can afford to go back to school next year even without it.

The problem is SL will most likely refuse to take what I can afford to give him.

If for no other reason, than to make life difficult. She also seems to think he would refuse to let me give it out to a renter and want to live here if I wasn't going to.

I cant go to school and make the bills by myself. I cant do the cruise ship work either if I have to stake out home turf.

Her advice was to remain firm on the amount I can afford. If he refuses, put the house up for sale and not to accept current low prices. Hold out for what it should be worth.

She doesnt think it would sell, even at the low price its valued at the moment.

She thinks I should let him get tired of paying the mortgage on a house he cant live in and then offer him the money again.

I think shes been reading my art of war.

What do people think about changing FB status?

Went to a family party tonight, lots of people hadnt heard what had happened and so asked where SL was...

This was fine, I dont mind talking about it - but I could tell some people felt a bit uncomfortable asking about him then being caught off guard by my reply

Thinking of changing my FB status from 'married' to 'separated' but not sure how I am supposed to present myself socially while in Plan B, aside from keeping high boundaries with men...

I mean, I am separated - but I am also married!

I changed my FB status to "separated" when I was ready.

You are going to find that you will need to do this as you see others whom don't know yet. It will suck. It's just the way it is. 20 months in, and I am still bumping into people who ask me about my WH. That's one of the first things they say. this is usually how it goes.

"Hey Scotty, how are you? How is WH?" I usually say, "I don't know, maybe you could ask his mistress." Done with a SMILE. Then I say, "He left us Dec 2009, and lives with her." They usually say, "I'm sorry." I then say, "It's okay, you didn't do it." Then we catch up on things. It's a bit of a set back whenever it happens, but not too bad.

I think Ill go for it then - I do feel ready

Today was rubbish. Felt really low and depressed. I couldnt figure it out because I had felt so well balanced for so long.. Did I expect him to be pleading with my IM while holding an NC letter by this point? Maybe. But I genuinely thought I had been feeling zen.

Have been crying all day.

I could just put it down to a rainy Tuesday and the end of the bank holiday weekend!

Tomorrow I have a 9am appointment with a solicitor who is going to walk me through my options with the house and finance. I am hoping this will give me back some much needed energy and spirit.

Resentment got a grip of me today. I was just thinking of all the really needless twists of the knife he and she did during the A.

It was more than just being 'stabbed in the back'

For two years, I was in a corner of the room, bleeding from their attack. While I was too delirious to realise I was near death, they were needlessly cruel.

Not only did they not call an ambulance (honesty), but they wandered over to kick me in the head every so often (gaslighting), just to make sure that I couldnt help myself either. While insulting me (actually insulting me).

I am not going to pull the D trigger out of resentment. But only because I know the rollercoaster does not work that way. That it will not help

If I had a choice, I would D him right now. If I could delete my feelings for him, knowing they would never haunt me again. I would totally do it.

Unfortunately I am more human than that.

So go do something that requires your concentration, maybe go work out untill you drop.

You have painted a good picture of the betrayal, as they are vicious in nature, under all the the bullcrap. Now go wash it out of your mind. You don't need such thoughts

Makes me think of what we do in shock..Sometimes we do what is right, and then later it effects us.

Hang in there Indie.

For the past couple of days, I have been feeling a bit low too. Come here and vent, and know that someone is watching, and reading(even if no one is posting). We ALL understand it. We've all been there.

I look at these low days as a way to move further down the road to personal recovery. It means that love for our WH is getting tucked further and further back. You know that in a day, an hour or maybe even a few mins, you could actually be missing him. You already know it will get better, so I will just offer you a HUG.

Take what you need from this sad day, and move forward.

Yes CP, wash day for the soul is comin'

Amazingly though today is so bad, it still is not anywhere near as bad as withdrawal!!

Truly the only way is up.....

Scotty, hugs back.

and to all who are paying dearly for wisdom they never ordered with their very heart-blood, hugs galore...