I'm feeling vindictive and mean right now. I am posting because I hope to get some responses quick before I do something that is a lb or worse.

Me-38 WH 39 2 kids, 1, 7
Admitted EA Aug 13 after I found the phone history
Admitted PA last week after I found more
With a former coworker, all the PA were done on his travel as his job is to travel
Known each other since December, got serious in April, Physical in July or Aug.

I discovered the EA after WH told me he thinking about divorce, and had been very mean to me for the past 3 months. I discovered it through the phone.Turns out they were talking about living together even though she is in another state but travels also.

After the EA D day, he said he would end all contact. 5 days later, after I started plan Aing him, he lied and made a 24 hour trip to visit her in Chicago where she was traveling to. They had sex. Supposedly it was "goodbye".

However, since I was in contact with OW H, OW H said that the OW said my WH was chasing her, that she had ended the A when I called her about it 2 weeks ago and told her to stay away, and that he keeps making contact.

I didn't know about the contact in Chicago until OW H told me, but I had a D day for the PA the next day after WS returned (last week). He sunk to the lowest low and said he saw his family leaving and finally figured out what he want.Very emotional, finally. My old H was back. Instantly (?) It was very convincing. But I'm not an idiot-- he had just boinked her the night before.

I don't know who to believe. Sure is weird that he had his change of heart so quickly. I wonder if she decided she didn't want involvement with such a crazy wife who would call her and her H up, lol, and who had a very small baby with lots of child support years left.

Since then, for the past week WH has been very sorry, being very upset, sending me nice text messages, etc, while I am living at my mothers. It's so nice to see "him" again (as he disappeared for so long), but I don't believe it. I think it is either false feelings because she dumped him, or he is only doing it because he is eventually going to make contact with her again.

OK, the reason for the post. I never exposed her to her family/friends/coworkers. I want to. Right now. I want to make her pay. I want them to influence her. I obviously haven't had those feelings for 2 weeks or I would have done it then, because this site tells me to.

Say WH is in recovery right now (or whatever you call it---he's sorry and doesn't want to contact her anymore). I don't know if he is or isn't, but for 3 months he was an [censored] who wanted to leave his babies and wife. And now he doesn't.

In your experiences, will this set us back if I send her parents and coworkers/boss info? Again, they don't work for the same company, but worked closely together for 4 months because they are in the same industry. And they frequent the same traveling areas for conferences and such. So they know the same people.

Please respond....I'm losing my will power to not do something rash........

Go with your "gut".

Right now that organ is NOT 100% convinced his A is dead. Exposure to everyone in BOTH their worlds is the quickest way to kill it.

You will most likely make their continued contact very unattractive to them both.

The fact that you will cause her great personal pain and embarrassment is merely a propitious by-product!

It would be a great idea to expose the OW. Their affair is not over. Your H just had sex with her a few days ago. The more people who know, the more ppl to hold her accountable. Exposure is not a bad thing but a good thing.

I personally would never recommend doing something out of a revenge mindset. Exposure, as I know it, is about garnering support for your marriage and holding the WS and AP accountable so that they have incentive to stay away from each other.

When you do something out of a vindicative nature, you usually do not do it in a reasonable, dignified, controlled manner. Without knowing some further particulars, I would advise holding off until you can make a sound decision on this - not one made because you're hurt and angry at the moment.

First things first, is your husband willing to send OW a letter from the both of you stating it was a mistake, it was over, he loves you and he never wishes to see or hear from him again? Is he willing to be totally transparent with all his doings and all his belongings - cellphone/computer, etc...? Is he willing to commit to a plan of recovery? These are all very important to distinguish between false recovery efforts and real ones.

If WH and OW travel a lot, and in the same circles, you very well may be wise to expose the affair. However, you need to do it so that you are the reasonable one - the one with her head screwed on straight - so that people will get on board with your perspective. If you do it wrongly, you may appear to be just a crazy, paranoid lady.

You are in contact with OW? How's that going and why are you in contact with her? Is it to see if she is still interested in your H or vice versa? You gotta know you can't believe anything out of either of their mouths! You believe actions at this point, not words.

Expose because it is necessary to kill the affair, not to be vindictive.


This is by far the most likely scenario. Even if you WH has convinced himself at this time that he is done with the affair and will recovery, the temptation to contact her and resume the affair on some level is usually too great. You need to expose to remove the temptation entirely.

And, you need to tell the OW's husband because it is the right thing to do. Don't you wish someone had told you before it went physical? Wouldn't you have liked to know why your WH was acting so distant for three months?

You're right in one regard, you don't want to do anything RASH right now. You want to do it in a well-planned, well-executed manner.

OK, after reading the other replies here, I have to say, for some reason it did not register with me that it was just 2 days ago!

YES...expose! But...please do it in the correct manner and not just to seek revenge and make her pay. You want these folks on your side!

Exposure worked in my case to end the affair within days.

OK wait, I'm rushing and don't have a calendar--he was exposed to the PA and swore his life to me on Thursday of last week---6 days ago. He has been 'himself' for 6 days.

And yep, I contacted the OW 2 weeks ago when I found out about the "EA" to verify with her that it was just an "EA". Yep, she verified it alright!! LOL!!! I don't know what I was expecting. But she did get to hear my baby cry, and I still think that scared her.

So okay, I can expose her to her parents and maybe coworkers? I was thinking of calling them....

Thanksalot, the question of whether it is for 'revenge" or not misses the point. That is entirely irrelevant to the issue. The relevance is whether or not it will help kill the affair and keep it killed. Your feelings of revenge don't matter and are irrelevant.

In your case it would be a great in killing the affair and keeping it killed. Dr Harley advises telling everyone, in your situation, the OW has continued to chase your H and they just met up a few days ago. You should expose it wide and far.

Keep in mind that exposure is a GOOD thing, not a bad thing. The more people who know the more people to keep her accountable.

Parents would be a great exposure. Rather than expose to her coworkers, why not send an email to the director of HR and her supervisor letting them know she has used company resources pursuing an affair with your husband? I posted a template letter this morning on this forum.

OK---now, this is some careful territory. Can I get in trouble for slander or somehting? Or worse, I wonder what she can do to WH?
Maybe I should ask the Family Lawyer I am trying to make an appt for (to protect me if he leaves me like he wanted to.)

This is true...why is not as important as how. My thinking was that sometimes people in revenge-mode don't come across as sane, reasonable human beings. You don't want to go all Jerry Springer on people because you're angry and hurt. You want to be factual and dignified - exposing the OW and WS to be the ones to be held accountable.

When I've seen cases of people claiming "exposure didn't work - it made things worse" it's because they didn't have the fortitude to do it in an unemotional manner - giving all the facts and educating those they are exposing to. They just ranted like a person wanting to hurt other people, without any proof or way of getting through to those they needed to support them.

The end goal is to end the affair, that's for sure!

Of course you can't get in trouble for telling truth if you live in one of the free countries. The truth is a defense for slander. If the OW wants to sue you for slander I would invite her to do so. That would be great fun to be in a position to subpoeana all her email and cell phone records! I keep hoping some that SOME DAY, some cheater will actually sue a BS for slander. Imagine what fun that would be!

Oh certainly. Being factual and precise is very important.


I think the main reason for this reaction is an unrealistic expectation on the part of the BS. To my amazement, many were SHOCKED that the WS was angry about exposure, so I have made it a point to forewarn them. Another misconception is that exposure always kills the affair right away. While that often happens, it is no guarantee. About half are not killed right away but some think "exposure didn't work" because it doesn't kill them right away.

Put a GPS on WH's vehicle.
ASAP

The following exposure suggestion is not rash:

Wait a minute....nobody warned me!!!

It's 7 weeks and my WW is still spitting mad!!!!.....because she isn't seen as "perfect" or "without flaw" anymore.

All joking aside.....expose!.....do it!!!!!

SPEAK THE TRUTH!!!!

Know this. You cannot get in trouble for TELLING THE TRUTH. If the ow skankho is upset, then she should get upset AT HERSELF for being such a "town doorknob" if you will.

It's like Anthony Wiener...he got upset ONLY when he got caught, and it was AFTER HE LIED about what really went on. This ow is the same. No different.

If you have the emails, the proof, then she has to sit back and take her own medicine right now. Po po ho.

DO NOT WORRY about the truth coming out. Worry more if it had not been exposed.

If you have verification and emails that she made FROM HER WORK ACCT to your husband, then yea, go after her HR department and EXPOSE HER THERE TOO. But I say go for her, her family and all her friends and anybody who knows her. The truth sets YOUR MARRIAGE FREE. it does not set the ow or om free. But hopefully its' like putting one's hand on a burning hot stove for them. A TEACHABLE LESSON AND SOMETHING TO NEVER DO AGAIN.

It's only slander if you're lying.

You're right about that! Thankfully I was ready for the anger. I didn't think he'd be happy about it, that's for sure.

If Exposure doesn't kill the affair or have any effect on the WS or OW, it's almost certain that not exposing just prolongs the pain for the BS. Sure, the WS has all kinds of things to say such as, "You've done it now! I was truly thinking I was wrong and was going to beg your forgiveness, but you can forget it now. There's no way I can ever trust you or forgive you for this!" It's laughable that they are to be forgiven but not the BS for speaking the truth.

Exposure doesn't guarantee an affair will die, but if it doesn't, it wasn't going to anyway.

You have the very best vets here all giving you the same advice...expose. I was scared to death, he was crazy furious, some friends and family were shocked; but I don't regret it for a second. I know I WOULD regret not exposing. You can do it!