"When I kept silence, my bones waxed old through my roaring all the day long."

My wife has had two affairs during our 16 years of marriage. One affair in 1998 the other in '04-'05. The first A was quickly swept under a rug and we carried on. The second A has been hell on wheels & I am still mot over it. I caught her both times through my own gut feelings & investigations. After catching her we fought a lot, she cried a lot (i did not cry & still have not- why waste the tears?), I grilled, we hit a brickwall & went to a marriage counselor. O' what a fun time that was. The MC seemed to want to scold my wife, push me into crying out & accepting my wifes apology thdre in the session while reminding me that if I did not do this I was only going to push my wife into another affair and that would be all my fault. I toughed out several more sessions but I just couldn't take the MC anymore. After scolding my wife she seemed to baby her & take her side in the whole ordeal. Needless to say we stopped going.

I apologize to anyone reading this , if I seem to be short and uncaring. I am just trying to hit the high spots so I can get to the matter at hand...

The matter is I can not seem to get over this! I mean its been a little over 5 yrs since the junk hit the fan! Shouldn't I be over this by now??? I still find myself double checking where shes been, who shes been with, why & what for. I check her emails, facebook, cell phone account....blaaaaah! What is wrong with me? Is this how I am going to finish out my life?
"i love you but I am not IN love with you..." She said.
"when I met you I had everything going for me...and now look!" She said.

These things swirl my mind as does the things I found out, the evidence I found, the things she said to me after being caught red handed.

I feel like I have been frozen in motion and the gears inside me keep gritting and trying to push forward. The gears chatter, steam & sweat as everything inside me seems to on the verge of explosions & chaos. On the outside I smile, I laugh sometimes and I try to carry on...we have 3 children, if I have to bite the bullet...then so be it.

But I ask all of you as I am now lost, spinning in circles of confusion, is this normal? Am I dwelling? What should I do?

Indiana, welcome to Marriage Builders. What you have been through is torture, pure and simple. Do you want to remain with this woman? Do you have children together? Do you think there is a current OM?

Honestly...most of the time when I look at her, I see everything I fell in love with and then there are times I look at her and think "what am I doing? Why the hell am I here?"

Yeah, we have 3 children ages 14, 12, 9.

At times I wonder if theres someone else....again,again. My wifes a motor mouth, a flirt and to top that off shes gullible...maybe gullible on purpose at times, I believe.

Okay, firstly, your thread is mis-located. You and your spouse are not "in Recovery"; you are "Surviving (Barely) An Affair".

After her second affair - what happened? I mean what did you and she do to 1)analyze what led her to go outside your marriage; and 2) set some guardwalls against the same thing happening a third time?

With many WWs, climbing out of the cheating bed for the last time does not necessarily end her emotional commitment to the POSOM. There is no chance of her fully committing to you while her mind/heart is still fantasizing about HIM.

And you certainly did NOT help your case by agreeing to an MC who obviously was clueless, and then compounded your failure by "charading" an action (accepting WWs apology) which you knew was a travesty. "Good," thought WW, "he bought it; I'm done working on this!"

Does your WW acknowledge that your marriage is in the pits, or is she satisfied with the status quo?

I apologize for putting this into the wrong forum, at the time I thought it sounded right. I did not charade anything ar MC sessions. I never did accept my wifes apology amd thats where things started going downhill. The MC was so offended that I said NO that she seemed to make that her goal for every session that followed. My syand was plainly this during the MC sessions: this is the second time this has happend & I am not accepting a teary eyed apology until I find out WHY she sees fit to do this to me.
The best reason I have found out for my wifes past behavior is this: one night about a year ago the A came up & I demanded, again, to know why she did this to me...twice. My W told me she did it because she was mad at me over our financial situation, and the fact that she had to get a part time job to help make ends meet.
Really? Theres been millions of people in the same situation or worse & they remained faithful! Seems like she was throwing a tantrum or something & she was hell bent on getting even with me for putting her in the position of having to work!

I don't know anymore...

Indy:

Your wife is a weakling. You are an enabler.

Now enough of name calling, lets get to work.

You have allowed her to rip your emotions apart now 2x in a your marriage. Lets make sure it doesnt happen again.

For starters does everyone in wifes circle (parents, friends, pastor, siblings, and CHILDREN) know her adultery? If not, do not pass go, do not collect $200, go directly to these people and let them know about her actions and ask them to demand she gets her act together and stop. Numero uno, number one first step, its a must.

Stop apologizing to us and to her. Nothing is your fault.

The reason you cannot get over the affair the you say happened 5 years ago is that you must realize she probably is still cheating on you because you havent ended it appropriately.

Now, listen to the all the advice that will follow as it fool proof. You will know where your marriage stands for good or for bad. This walking on egg shells around you wife must stop. You are equals in this thing and she doesnt see it that way.

As a BH where my dday was nearly 4 months, I like to chime in to the BH I see hear on the boards. My story is a little different but the moral is the same. KILLING THE AFFAIR IS JOB #1. Exposing it to her circle is not the best way, its the only way.

You have 3 kids living with a fogged out mother who's lost and has been for many years. They deserve her back and you deserve her back. Get to work.

You should contact a moderator to move this thread over to the SAA forum. Then you will see real action from the veterans but be prepared because you, my friend, are acting like a wuss. And vets will not put up that with one bit.

Wow! An enabler & a wuss. Thanks brutha!
Didn't realize I came off as a wuss...enabler, I guees can see that....but wuss?!
Alright, gonna contact a moderator a moooove my post.


I appreciate your advice.

Tough love. No offense intended.

You aint seen tough love yet, I promise.

We are in the business of getting marriages back to where the posters want them to be. We use the techniques that are on this website and books.

I was as lost as you are and Im still working toward the ultimate goal. I let the fine folks here guide thru the depression and anxiety, weight loss, sleeplessness, and everything else you are experinecing.

I think its about regaining some control in your life which is the first to go upon dday.

Ok... I contacted a moderator. I don't know how long it'll take for them to move my post, hopefully soon. I need some help here, and if tough love and name calling is part of it...bring it on. I can handle it.

Should I create another post and go into more detail on A's and what happened after each? Maybe I wasn't clear enough in my post that is posted in the wrong forum?

No the name calling is just me.

Dont be offended, really. I try to keep the mood light in a very dark period of our lives.

Otherwise, it gets too bleak.

Our wives cheated on us and we go into extreme detail about it, so humility in this anonymous world here doesnt exist.

No, they;ll move this over. Dont start again. But, yes, feel free to go into detail about the past As. Its always good to vent here and its gives the vets background on you.

You are in good hands. The same hands who guided me from the same abyss you are in.

One more thing:

HAVE YOUR EXPOSED THIS TO ALL THE PARTIES I INDICATED ABOVE?

This is the dirty work but before any of the people here will help you through the plan, THIS HAS TO HAPPEN.

Read the thread in SAA by MovingMountains. He is born again after a mass exposing. Its beautiful. You can get all the info on how to do it, why do it, and when...well when is now. Go check it out.

Yes, I did it to a point. I told our Pastor, her parents and her close friends. The MC we seen together strongly suggested that I do NOT tell my parents because my parents may or may not be forgiving in the situation and may hold that over my Ws head forever...made sense I guess, so I never told my parents. I never told my children either...at the time it all happened they were 4, 8 and 9. I guess I thought maybe that was too much to dump on them.

I will check out the thread by MovingMountains right now.

A BS always has the go ahead to D if they choose. You will have to live with YOUR decisions though...whatever they are.

Has your W taken up EPs and made any sort of Just Compensation to you?

Is your wife still flirting and has taken ownership of the As?

Welcome to MB

IF there is an exposure of these As, it will not be the same as MM. MM's situation is an active affair; these aren't.

These are the basic requirements for recovery that every couple should have in place to be together:

1. No contact with the other person in any way for life. No Facebook, no photos, burn any memorabilia.

2. Extraordinary precautions in place to prevent a reignition of the affair or an affair with another person. Things like absolute transparency in all goings-on, no close friends of the opposite sex allowed ("close" means "sharing details about personal lives, particularly one's problems"), changing jobs if necessary, swapping cell phones with your spouse at any time for any reason, changing phone numbers, never deleting texts without your spouse's consent, etc.

3. Commitment to a marital recovery program together. Obviously, I'll recommend MarriageBuilders.

The reason you feel this way about your wife is that you don't have extraordinary precautions in place, you aren't spending enough time together meeting one another's intimate emotional needs, and and you aren't avoiding behaviors that make each other miserable. Of course you're unhappy!

The good news is, you can rebuild. You can begin applying a stellar Plan A today (read about it in Dr. Harley's book, "Surviving An Affair", less than $10 on Kindle and you could have it right now!), plan to continue it for the next few months, and evaluate where you are after that. At some point you'll need reciprocation, and you'll eventually need to complain when your needs aren't met or your wife engages in behavior that makes you miserable. But many people naturally respond to a good Plan A with a return of affection.

You're not in love with her right now. You can restore that love by following a plan. That plan is best started by reading and applying these three books in order:

1. "Surviving An Affair"
2. "Love Busters"
3. "His Needs, Her Needs" (which will feel like a little bit of a retread by the time you've read the first two, but worth it).

Best of luck!

I agree with black_raven. If the affair is over, there's little point to exposure. Exposure is intended to motivate the WS to end the A through shame. If it's already over, all it will do is increase resentment in the WS, which will make reconciliation that much more difficult. But, if you're not interested in reconciliation, and rather revenge instead, then tell all!

Im reading his posts and Im not 100% convinced HE'S 100% convinced she's done with OM.

Maybe Im wrong.

Wouldnt be the first time.

In any event, I dont think he killed dead the first couple of affairs in HIS mind. So maybe working the program from the start help his insecurity.

" Dr. Harley's book, "Surviving An Affair", less than $10 on Kindle and you could have it right now!)"

No it's not, (checked on kindle, android app, amazon web site, & B&N does not offer for Nook) or I would be reading it now. I looked a couple days ago, but no kindle version available. Amazon does have a link to request it be offered for kindle.

Thanks door mat no more, you answered a question I have had since I starte reading on MB.

...sorry for threadjacking with my first post, I'll slip back into the shadows and contine lurking now...

EXPOSE THE AFFAIR.......just do it!

Adults can deal with it!

Your WS can DEAL WITH IT! Mine got mad and is STILL MAD 8 weeks after exposure!

Just expose it!!!!

16 yrs of marriage. 2 affairs, the first A happening 5 yrs into the marriage. She got a part time job, friended a male coworker, one thing leads to another & presto! I busted this union up rather quickly. Sex never happend. Still I was furious, it was a 3rd shift job and upon finding out I took our one child (at the time) to my mothers for the night. I drove to her place of work & surprised the both of them and knocked the OM into the pavement & proceeded to stomp & shine my shoes. Needless to say, I went to jail over the whole mess. My wife & the OM were both fired and everybody went their own way. It was over and done in my mind. Quick & clean, swept under the rug.

The problem is when things are swept under the rug, your house is not really cleaned. The dirt is just hidden. Almost 8 yrs later the dirt surfaced. My W got a part time job, again, it was a 3rd shift job, again, and not to long into the job she friended a male coworker whom she told when she met him. I told her from that moment...."don't do anything retarded. Remember the last time? Remember you are married, we have children, don't screw this up by having an affair. Im trusting you....ok?" Her reply, "ok. Don't worry, i'm not going to do anything stupid." 2 months into her job I started getting red flags. Buying new clothes for herself, nail salons, getting dolled up to go places. Leaving me & our now 3 chilfren at home frequently. she stopped wanting to go places with me. We started fighting a lot over stupid things that she would instigate. Red flags kept popping up & took to investigating. One day I grab her purse while she was sleeping & dump it out. Theres the proof. Love letters. I didnt say a word. Took our children to my mom, went home to confront my W.
Of course she tried to lie at first so I showed her the letters and all hell broke loose. She, in anger, admitted to sex & oral sex in a variety of places. Dates, gifts, she even took our children to meet him. And this is when I exploded. I made her call her parents, her close friends, our pastor and tell them she was cheating on me. I called the OMW and filled her in on everything. Now I had to confront the [censored] OM. So I rode with my W to her place of work. I ducked down where he couldnt see me, told my wife to not get out...just let him come over. It happened just like I wanted. I step out of the car and confront him. He was scared, then mad, then started crying when I told him that I informed his wife. I kept my distance and my cool, I did not want to go to jail again. Before he left I told them both to never see each again or I would end up in jail and if I had to go I was going to make it worth it.....

I will continue this story later tonight. I have to go for now.
The next story of our past will show where things got really weird when we started to try and talk things through. The nut job MC,etc.