(Husband)My wife and I are having a difficult time resolving an issue and are seeking advice from other couples. About a month after our daughter was born my wife�s ex lover came to see our daughter. When I answered the door the ex said he didn�t know I was home and had heard from a previous co-worker that my wife had just had the baby and he had come to see her. I was surprised by this because we had all three worked together when my wife and I started dating, I did not know that they had had a relationship or that they were friends. I let him in and called my wife. She came to the door, he told her the same, she got our daughter and let him hold her. He held her for a few seconds and left. I asked what that was about, my wife lied and said they were friends. The next day she told me they had sex a few times before we started dating. He had called once while she was pregnant and she didn�t tell me. She told him we were together and having a baby. We were in an off and on relationship before me moving in and conception. She had gone to his surprise birthday party at a restaurant a month before I moved in and didn�t tell me. After my wife and I lived together for two weeks I went to jail for three weeks prior to conception and felt we should get a DNA test. She says they didn�t have sex while I was in jail or since we started dating, the sexual relationship was over since the beginning when we first started dating.
We have different opinions and don�t know why this man would feel the need to come see our new baby. Has anyone had a similar situation or helpful opinion as to why he came over? If you are a man and had a sexual friendship with a woman, would you have thought about seeing the baby? Why or why not?
I did have the DNA test which she was willing to do. She paid for it too. My daughter is mine no doubt. She says that she hadn't seen him in over a year and that he had called while she was pregnant but did not tell me about it. During the call she said she told him that she was with me now and could no longer see him. She said it was quick and he didn�t say much as she was headed out the door for work. We are not legally married but have lived as such and were engaged prior to my daughters birth. I met my wife and known her for about a year and a few months then moved in with her. I propsed and bought a ring while she was pregnant we were to be married after the birth of my daughter. Once this is resolved hopefully we can get past this and move on.

(Wife)My husband and I are writing and reading this together. He suggested the DNA test then said he didn't want to. I talked him into it and paid for it. I know he is the only man I had sex with and I knew the results would prove it. He said I figured I had a 50/50 chance and that is why i took the test. We had talked about marriage before our baby was born, but the ring and talks about setting a date were not done until after this had happened. He has already done all the snooping and checking that has been suggested. We really want helpful opinions on this. Has anyone had a similar situation/known someone with a similar situation or as a man, do you have an opinion as to why he came over.

(Husband)The problem is my wife says she did not have a sexual relationship with him since we were together from the first time which would be approximately two years prior to our daughter being born. She says that she does not know why he showed up. She saw him last at the surprise b-day party and they did not have sex then according to her. I am looking for other reason why he would show up or basically how to believe this considering the circumstances. She would lilke for this issue to be laid to rest and my trust extended in her version of events. I am looking for any other suggestions people may have to aid her cause or side, as it were. Any people whom have been through simular circimstances and the party in question was proven innocent of the apparant wrong doing. This is a thorn in our side as I would like to believe her. However I do not feel trust can be extended here without the entire truth which she professes to have divulged to me, that being said everyone seems to be of one accord regarding the dubiousness of the situation and that begs further explaination or some resolution. As far as I am concerned I see things differently than her. Thank you all for your help.

(Wife)Yes I did lie and it is wrong. It was a relationship that was in the past and I didn't tell him about it. Since my husband did know him from work, I should have told him. I didn't get nervous when he started asking questions because no questions were asked. He just went to bed and we didn't talk. I knew what I did was wrong and went to him the next day with the truth. The OM and I were more friends than anything else. My previous marriage was over. My ex husband took all self esteeem and self respect away from me. When my friend(OM)came on to me, I gave in because it was the first time in 9 years I felt good about myself and thought someone might actually like me. So, I didn't break up with him, when he got a girlfriend I stopped having sex with him and we remained friends and taked on the phone. His girlfriend came up to the job (where she also use to work) and invited some people to a restaurant for OM birthday. That was one of the off times in my husband and my relationship. I would say our relationship was off and on due to both of us. Due to ending a very bad marriage on my part and his not being ready to commit and disappearing at times. My husband and most people on this site do feel i'm a liar, and I did lie in the past so why should he believe anything else I ever say. But i know my husband is the only man I had sex with and i knew he was the father of our baby. The OM f***ed up our lives and i dont know why. My husband says that because he is a man he knows the ONLY reason the OM came over is because he thought the baby was his. The OM would have to be a total idiot (and bad at math) to believe that. Also, we actually did two DNA test.

(Husband)We had two DNA test done because I was suspicious of the first one. We had agreed to do the test and I said I would send it off but I fell short of cash and had to wait to get paid. In anger I left in the vehicle under the seat (stupid I know) she saw was hurt that I would do so and sent it in herself. I did not know she sent it in and found out later. The main problem is not the jail or paternity now. It is whether or not I can trust her and whether or not she is being truthful when she says that they did not have sex for two years prior to conception. I need to know if anyone has experienced this and the OM and WW were not having sex during conception. I do not think he would come by unless he thought he was the father and that means that they did have intercourse during that period. If she is not honest about it and claims that at the party and after while I was in jail she was not having intercourse with him then how can I trust her at all ever regardless of whether or not our child is mine. The second test was legit as far as I am concerned as I handled it myself. It was mail in bucal swab gloves and all. Is there a problem with those as I took care not to cross-contaminate the specimens? I had some training in Medical Lab Tech class with specimens and contamination and such so I am sure it was well handled. Irregardless I am my daughter�s father. The concern is trust and truth and a real relationship predicated on honesty and forthrightness and total transparency which it would be hard to have if the entire truth is not told or if there is still form of deceit. Does anyone who has read this feel she is being completely honest and I just need to accept that? Or do I have cause to be leery? Please let us know. If someone has seen this before with all the factors involved and there has been innocence besides just lying and no intercourse then let us know.I am aware of what i think and what others have said and do not see any who side with her and she still is adament that the sexual relattionship with the OM had ended prior to us even becoming involved initially. for two years or near to years prior to our daughter's birth.

When you change screen names you make it hard to recall your other postings here. I remember your story though.

Being you did the test yourself the second time then the kid is yours.

The thing that makes me suspicious is why does a ex BF show up after his ex GF gives birth and want to see the baby.

Time for a polygraph test.

The thing is the OM actions are not normal if he knows the kid can't be his. Normal if he thinks the kid is his.

One test squared the paternity. Now a second test to square the truth is needed.

The problem is WW lied. Plus the OM actions. Make it hard to believe the WW even if she has been telling the truth now.

Get the poly done then. Call the Harleys to get some advice on hpw to recover your marriage.

You should each have your own thread.

This man should be cutoff completely out of your marriage. Friends of the opposite sex are dangerous when you're married. The friends should be friends of both of you and not of just one of you and if either of you is uncomfortable with that friend, then the friendship must end forever.

This man likely came because he was curious as to whether or not the child was his.

How old are you guys?

I'm also confused about your marital status. Are you married or not? You call each other husband and wife, but we've seen it here before where people do that and aren't actually married.

You're either married or you're not. I'm asking just to get clarification.

Are you legally married? Common law? BF/GF?

Reply from the other thread:


Other thread here. It asks the same questions and gets the same answers.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2533660#Post2533660

This was one of the responses on the other thread:


What else are you seeking, rs?

Ahh. There it is. Thanks, Sugar - I must have been reading too fast.

My pleasure, bliss!

It is an irritation that these two use the same log in name. It makes it harder for readers to make sense of the posts. It is also unnecessary. It takes only a few minutes for the second poster to set up her own account here, and then it will be clear who is posting.

ITA. Resolutionseekers, the two of you need to split off and set up your own threads. It's easier for the posters to address each of your issues separately, as opposed to throwing it all into one big soup.

Hello all,

We did not change our screen name. Since we�ve only received replies from three different people last time. I decided to post again to see if any others would comment or read the post and offer their opinions. We are not currently married we live together. If there are any other questions please feel free to ask. I also emailed the question to JustUss2 to see if there was any advice. I am seeking something that will help me either leave the issue alone or accept what I m being told or something to help me out. I feel that some pertinent answers would help me feel like this is something that has been resolved. I don't want to live in constant doubt as to her trustworthiness or to feel like we are living a life based on lies. I would like to be able to make an informed and proper decision as to how to proceed. I am not looking to be told what to do or how to act I just would like some plausible advice and good opinions. Is this something that would just be let go as I have been told? We've been to counseling and the counselors (3 total), and all say just believe her and let it go. That is not helpful as you can see. We are posting together and felt if both sides were aired together it would help. We will consider your advice to put up posts under differing names. We are 37 and 42. Thanks again.

I just read through the other thread. You had some of the best people on these boards offering you advice, and posting to you. You were LUCKY with that.

So, woman(can't call you "wife" when you aren't actually married), you were married when you met your Ex and started dating him, were you still married when you met your current BF?

But you have been told to seek a polygraph, and yet this does not seem to be acceptable to you. Why not? It would help you resolve the matter of the extent of your fiancee's involvement with this other man.

I am genuinely trying to understand what you are seeking. You seem to know what you want to hear and you have not heard it yet. Do you see the advice you have already been given as "plausible advice and good opinions"? If not, why not?

From the moment you came here you were told that this counselling advice is not helpful and that you should seek to find out the truth with a polygraph. Yet you continue to ask the same question over again - should you let it go?

We have said "NO", loudly and clearly.

The fact that you are back here is your gut telling you, loud and clear, that you do not indeed have all of the information you need to proceed.

Now, you have been given a number of choices in how to obtain such information.

This is your life. YOU are the one who decides what to do with it. We can give advice 'til we're blue in the face - it's just up to you to figure out where you want to go with it. We cannot do that part for you.

Just go get polygraphs. Nothing wrong with it.

Your call.

Sorry for the mispellings. I went back and changed those. We have received some sage advice and are aware that the best of those on here have given their input. Thank you all. We are taking it all into consideration. As for those who are making comments about whether or not I can call her my wife or not I would suggest that it is not always about the paper or documentation. We have our way of referring to each other and I would like it if you all would please respect that. I know that it is my life and only I can make my choices as to how to proceed. I am merely trying to see if my veiwpoint is somewhat skewed due to emotions running high. I would like to approach this as level headed as possible and to try to see if others have experienced the same and what their views are. I am taking all advice into consideration and will act according to my own judgements. I am not looking to get others to tell me what to do. I am only asking what others can see lookiing from the outside in. A polygraph seems reasonable to me but a might bit more to the extreme of what I am seeking. If I had my druthers, as it were, I would opt for a more amicable solution for us both and one less costly. That being said there is no price too high for the truth. It is clear that others so far have the same opinion and view that I do and that does help add perspective to my thoughts, feelings, and emotions which are running wild, in regards to this situation. I want to be calm and level headed and try to see every angle possible. It seems that what I seek has been found here. I am dealing with quite a bit of confusion as to which options are best and just want a plethora of choices is all. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. She is sticking to her guns and I to mine. This is overwhelming to me but it truly does help to see what others think about this. We thought that this sight would offer objective, insightful and respectful help and that is all we ask for. Thank you.

I understand you AREN'T married, but when there is the bond of marriage, it IS simply different. You may argue that it is a piece of paper, etc, but it is different. I should know. I got remarried last year.

It IS different than if my dh were simply my bf you know.

There are clear cut things as husband and wife that are very clear to us. No infidelity EVER. We are in this FOR LIFE, not until we both feel like breaking up. We have a spiritual and LEGAL bond to each other, and to keep things going great, we know we have to work at it! It feels much more permanent than when we were dating (I'm also 42), and is a whole different feeling. No real easy way out and when you meet somebody single, and they KNOW you are married, or see your ring, they get the message you are truly bonded for life to somebody else. It's that level of permanence. As parents I think you might need that too.

Back to the situation, if you want truth, then you have to demand the truth, and sadly a wayward spouse is not ever going to usually give up 100% of that. You might get bits n pieces over time, but it is very emotionally damaging. We call this the "trickle truths" and it hurts.

So get the polygraph. If you want to be with this woman for life, then maybe get the polygraph and then decide to work on the relationship .

And I second the others to FIRE the counselors as their programs do not teach how to HEAL from affairs and how to truly address the root problems and affair PROOF a marriage and keep one loving and whole. Thus this is why MB works.

I have to add also, that om? He must seriously have thought the baby was HIS. There are things you don't know.

If an xbf showed up at our door and we had a baby and he WANTED to see that baby, my dh would freak out and probably punch him.

The writin' is on the wall. He THOUGHT that baby was his. And men do not usually go visit their x girlfriend to see the baby. Nope. It is bizarre behavior.

Your "wife" has admitted to an affair previously with another relationship, so it is my thought that she is behaving as she has always behaved, and found cheating to be a selfish, fun, and easy way out. Cheating is an established behavior for her.

No, its the poly or else nothing. Keep dancing around the advice you've been given...

I don't recommend waterboarding or other forms or torture to get what your looking for. The poly is the only ethical way we can recommend.