Does she know yet that the Superintendent, etal know about the affair? If she doesn't find out today, I would let her know TONIGHT that you have exposed the affair to the Super, Director of HR and the board. TELL HER YOU HAVE GIVEN THEM THE EVIDENCE. They are investigating it right now.

If she or the OM doesn't get fired, then I predict she will want to QUIT anyway because her reputation is ruined anyway.

I was hoping she would find out at work that she had been exposed, but if she doesn't find out TODAY, then tell her tonight. She will not be able to get ahold of the OM and concoct a story this weekend because he will be with his wife, so she will have to stew alone all weekend.

But the value of that exposure needs to be utilized NOW while you have them on the ropes.

This is a classic wayward spin. No, the A was the result of her having poor boundaries. You are NOT to blame AT ALL for her poor boundaries. You may be responsible for your part in the state of the marriage prior to her adultery, but you were in no way responsible for her choice. Don't ever forget that.

If the "state of the marriage" was really so bad, she could have divorced you or come to you with the truth about how she was feeling so that you and she could attempt to work on things. She didn't. Instead, she unilaterally made the choice to destroy your marriage.

I haven't read your whole thread but if she is still working with the other man, there is no recovery. Seriously.

I'll defer to the vets on Plan A stuff but I will say this. You cannot educate a wayward, they won't hear you. Your actions speak much louder. Show her that you'll be her hero.

Like Clark Kent and Superman

How come you never see Melody and Dr H at the same time?

Meggy,

Right on...again, I feel like such a clod looking back at what the vets were telling me -- and they were so right!

They challenged me, scolded me even, for not stepping up to save my W, my family, when they needed a hero...I did, finally.

And still my W thanks me for saving her, for being a beautiful man who showed her how much I could care for her, to fight for her even after she did what she did...

She knows the super knows - her MIL just told me.

BUT the Super hasn't asked or seen evidence. I let him know that I'm willing to supply whatever. However I do want to get some legal advice on this b/c sharing this info could have unintended consequences.

Can I take this to mean that you're not upset with me for some of my more, um...strident posts? I'm glad - I remember feeling bad at the time that I had to get so stern with you.

MM avoided my tongue-lashing, LOL!

MM, because of your situation, the concentration has been on workplace exposure, with a nod toward her parents. Exposure should incorporate any/all persons having influence on her cheating butt.

Union officials will be very interested that one of their members had been taken advantage of (Hey! It's all in how you word it, dude!) by a member of the administration. (May even be considered "working outside the requirements of the contract"!) Does she have close social/community acquaintances? Tell them. Sorority/college friends she stays in touch with? Inform them of her recent new pasttime. Parents of DD's playmates/classmates? Most assuredly tell them.

If these don't start the landslide, I'll open up NG's bag of nasty tricks!

Never upset with you...or NG, Mel, Pep, Susie, Arpeggi....

Without you guys guiding me, my family would not be intact right now, and I would have no hope for our M...

You all said what needed to be said -- and I did my best to follow it.

It was all so counter-intuitive, yet correct: if our M fails (ed?), it wouldn't be because of exposure...exposure sure did burst the A bubble, however, and end the fence-sitting of my W. If I hadn't done that, I'd still be hoping OM was off jobsite, and probably be in Plan D by now...

I still have echos of the trauma, and some days still a bit unsure if the A is really dead (really?) and worry about 'secret' contact, but my W has truly bought into MB principles and is really, really meeting my ENs and has made a 180 as a wife and mother....

I don't know if I could ever be grateful enough for your care and guidance.

Quote

Finally she said the A was a result of the state of the marriage. In effect, things were over before the A happened. Which is strange to me considering we tried to have another baby for 14 months prior, went on a family trip that was great, etc. While she may not have been getting her EN met properly (which I take responsibility for) she certainly wasn't checked out. I wasn't dead to her.

MM, this is very common for WS, rewriting marital history. If you were such a bad husband, why didn't she talk about it? How do you know she wasn't getting her ENs met properly? Do you know what her most important ENs are and how she wants someone to meet them?

Of course you are at fault, MM, because as long as you are at fault she can continue to lie to herself that she was justified in what she was doing. Take away that justification and one has to look at oneself in the mirror and own it all, then the conscience kicks in. Pretty uncomfortable to admit to oneself that you've acted like a selfish %#@%$ and are responsible for your own actions. Much better to blame it all on the unsuspecting spouse, including the interfering with someone else's marriage part.

You've done very well, MM, I want you to know that. I know everyone has been saying this to you but I wanted to say it again. A very common thing that happens is that a guy comes here paralyzed with fear about a potential divorce and all of the ramifications of that, and is afraid to do what is necessary to save his marriage. Some of the stuff here is kind of counterintuitive, but as history has shown, appeasement never works and only ends up creating the very situation you hope to avoid. Being strong and uncompromising in your actions for your marriage, willing to fight for it and unwilling to give in to fear is what will save the day. Pretty soon the OM will dump your wife and your wife will begin to see things for what they really are. It's a hard lesson indeed when you are shown that you were nothing but some strange, and that you nearly threw your life away for someone who really cared nothing for you.

MM,

I've got my own thread just started. I read your post and am wondering how you got copies of her texts. I can confirm that she is doing it through her online account but she deletes them from her phone and I can only see times/dates/numbers online so far. Anything you can tell me would be great.

Sorry we're both here man!

rj

MM, the reason she had the affair is because she has poor boundaries around men. All the need meetin in the world could not overcome that.

Finally she said the A was a result of the state of the marriage. In effect, things were over before the A happened. Which is strange to me considering we tried to have another baby for 14 months prior, went on a family trip that was great, etc. While she may not have been getting her EN met properly (which I take responsibility for) she certainly wasn't checked out. I wasn't dead to her.


MM
my wh told me the same thing on dday. I was four days away from delivering our third son when I found out. He told me he had always loved this woman (really??? Never even heard her name until 3 months prior) and that we had been having "problems" for months. His main reason for the "problems" we were having was I had "forced" him into having a 3rd baby he didn't want. I looked at him and said,"The only problem we are having is that YOU are having an affair and not concentrating on your marriage or children"!

I beat myself up for weeks inside about having a 3rd baby after that. This was all pre-MB of course. My point is try not to listen to her. No person in their right mind would say, "I have a great husband, beautiful daughter, and a great marriage....so I chose to have an A". She has to blame and justify.

A friend of mine told me one time that all A's are the same, just different players. If you read enough posts on MB you will see this.

Keep up the good work, you are doing a great job!

MM

Your situation is absolutely from the scripts. It doesn't feel like it, but your feelings are not your friend during this crisis. Your feelings will paralyse you with fear and hope when you need to be frosty and objectived.

You are getting stunning advice from Mel and pep and others.

You are being a genuine, actual hero. Keep it up, son.

Ok guys - thanks. I will continue the path, NC100% is the only way, I see that.
As far as exposure I've hit every relevant person. Church, work, friends, family, doctor, child, co-workers, OMW - basically everyone of influence around her. Of course she sees this as an absolute betrayal, how ironic, but you guys have addressed it & I'm confident it's the right thing to do to end the A and that we don't have a chance until the A is killed.

At home, I'm calm, motivated, attentive and I've changed my routine, stay well dressed around her and have started doing things with new people. I've picked up most of the tasks around the house not only to be helpful but also to eliminate any time-killing distractions from her.

I got a prescrip for Ambien to get some sleep & force feeding myself to hopefully keep some sort of physical balance.

I have a date set for Plan A.

Thank you all and I will continue to update with progress. There's no way I could have implemented Plan A without this support!!!

Plan A is not for sissys.

Keep up the good work MM.

Again, make sure you lock up your finances.

Cancel joint credit cards. If you suspend her cc, make sure you change the acct #.

If she were to move out, she might try to put the rent on your card. Make sure that does not happen.

She also might try to stick you with her lawyer's retainer fee. How do I know? Because it happened to me.

Just sent a follow up email to the super:
Dr super,
As a follow up to our conversation I have attached a screenshot of an email thread between WW & Mr. OM written this past Tuesday 8/30/11. While someone without the knowledge of the affair might overlook the verbiage of the email, I can tell you that after viewing the documentation I have, talking with Mr. OM and hearing WW's confession, this email is a clear indicator something is still going on. And it's precisely the situation you want to avoid.

Dr. super you asked me what I wanted out of this and I was honest that I want to save my marriage. The ONLY way that can happen is if these two are separated. So I would hope that in a short amount of time (a few days) you can accomplish that. There are 2 families at stake here with three children. I have spoken with Mr. OM's wife and she too is committed to trying to save their marriage. But again the ONLY way that can happen is for these two to be separated.

My other option is to demand that WW quit her job and I so hope it does not come to that but that's what I'm willing to do to save my marriage.

Best,
BS


Email Thread:
WW: I appear to be on 3 committees, let me know which ones will be removed from my duties.

OM: You do not appear to be overworked - I am sure you can handle three committees

WW: Oh really? I'll make a note of that for my next evaluation conference.

OM: Would this be a good time to have an evaluation?

This can be construed as the OM is using his position of authority over WW.

Exactly - it's my hope that the Super does his job in separating them - I think that would be the best option.

I hope he doesn't see this and decide to let you do the dirty work. I would retract this in some way. Next time you contact him, tell him that you've been thinking about it, and you realize that OM was using his position of authority over your WW. His flagrant moral violation of his position shouldn't cause your family to financially suffer by losing WW's salary.

Keep the option in your hip pocket, but don't offer it up to the superintendant. He doesn't need to know that you'll make WW leave the job and fix the problem for him.