t/j my own.

susieq how are you doing?

Hey, chicka Thanks for checking up on me...

My STBxWH has shacked up with some 27 yr old (herself in process of D after 1.5 yrs of M) while I was in Plan B, so even though I knew this was heading for D, it is still like adding insult to injury, you know?

And in typical wayward fashion, he thinks he can do whatever he wants and doesn't really follow the pendente lite agreement (regarding finances and visitation) we had entered at court. We filed contempt on one violation of not paying child support a couple of days ago. Well, he quickly dropped off the check.

After looking at his online bank records, I can see he has blown through a lot of $$ in the last two weeks and won't have what he owes me the first of the month so he will most likely be in contempt again this Saturday...so I am sure we will be filing again. First of many I am guessing, we'll see...

Other than all of that drama, just really busy with kids and house repairs, getting the house ready for showings.

Anyway, saw that you two will be doing the online course! Excellent! The videos and the coaches are really good. Also IDK if I missed it but how was your road trip?

Hi, Chickadee,

Earlier you asked about exposure and also about a post-nup. I held off on replying, because we also didn't really do an exposure. Neither have we prepared a legal post-nup, although we do continue to discuss both periodically.

We've struggled with the no exposure question. I exposed the adultery to our kind and helpful base chaplain, to a trusted married couple back home, and to our previous pastor, all mostly for my support. Our reasons for not doing a full exposure at the time:

1.) We had just moved from the USA to Portugal with my H's job. I knew nothing of the adultery, having only noticed my H was withdrawn and not excited about being home, like I thought he would be. D-Day was after we had moved here.

2.) I thought exposure was solely to end the affair, and in our case the affair ended shortly after D-Day, when my H sent his NC letter. I now understand that exposure is also for accountability.

3.) We are now thousands of miles from our family and didn't see any good reason to bring it up at this point over the phone. Last time we went back to the States, our daughter was having their 4th baby, and that seemed like a bad time.

We really do want to tell our daughter and son-in-law about it one day, to help them prevent their own calamity. Also, on our most recent anniversary, a few months post D-Day, we get these anniversary greetings and kudos about having some kind of a "model marriage." I mean....puh-lease! I would like to set that right one day.

I don't see a whole lot of point in telling our folks about it. My parents already know about H's fling back in 1996 and the heartbreak that caused. His parents figured I must have contributed to that fling. I don't know, just don't see much point right now. Lots of conflicting feelings about this. However, I told H that any more slips and everyone would know and that never again would I fight for our marriage.

I've been monitoring ever since. He's adoring and loving and showing all signs of a changed man, so we'll see...

As to the post nup, I've been looking into one as well. Truthfully, I find it almost embarrassing to have to ask our lawyer. We hired a lawyer when we bought our home last summer (just before the PA started) and she does estate-planning. I would start by asking her. Have you figured out what you would like to put into it?

I would want in my post nup that I get 60% or more of the assets and pension, because I surrendered my ability/right/opportunity to start my own lifetime career due to his career and the frequent moves. Here I am in my 50's now and what with the job market and age discrimination, I don't have the same ability to earn what I could have earned if I had not married him and instead had worked my own career. Does that make sense? It sounds punitive, but really, he asked me to either not work or work parttime through out his own career, because it made our life less complicated. He could come home and relax with his family rather than have to do household chores or live with a probably stressful two-career lifestyle.

The other concern I have is health insurance. I have no health problems, but Medicare doesn't start until age 65. What if I couldn't find a job with health benefits. I figured that since marriage vows don't mean very much to adulterers, then it shouldn't matter if we simply separate and he would keep me on his health insurance.

Just my meandering 2 pennies worth....

Chickadee:

I had a consultation with a lawyer to find out what, if anything, a post nuptial could do for me.

I WANTED to sign one that said I get a significantly higher amount of our assets if he cheats again, given that I have taken him back and he has vowed not to cheat again. My logic is that -- if he cheats again -- he will have robbed me of some primo earning years, and I recently took a step back from my full-time job to concentrate on our family.

Well, the lawyer basically told me that because we live in a no fault state, such an agreement likely wouldn't hold much water.

AND, she also said that who knows what laws could change and issues could surface, and that if I locked myself into some sort of arrangement now, I could be harming a potential judgment in the future that could be better for me.

She's one of the best lawyers in our metro area, and I felt totally comfortable with her advice.

So, where you live may come into play.

But I can say it's the best $250 I spent in a long while. Made me feel strong and in control, even though we ultimately didn't hammer out an agreement.

Good luck!

Oh Susie that stinks I am sorry that you are going thru all of this. We are starting the course this weekend! Have to watch the first disk _ infidelity�.. A bit nervous to see this one.

51cd30- for the exposure topic � I totally agree with it in every sense of the word, there are so many benefits rids OW, accountability, confidence��!! I guess I was thinking exposure to the other women more so and their cohorts- see many of these people didn�t know H was married. He was an actor of sorts. Some were so long ago though. I did 2 NC letters to 2 OW. � Im over it- but if one breaks the NC rule- the wrath will fall.
The night I found out I made him tell his sisters we then told others. And I am glad that we have no secrets around our friends and family ( all of them)

As for the post nup, its just been something I have been mulling around, but I really don�t know what to begin asking for. I mentioned it last night and he agree what ever made me feel safe is fine, but it made him funky ( he said it caught him off guard). I explained that this is not about me giving up its about known what I could handle if it didn�t work and I don�t think I could stand up and fight for whatever it may be. I just would walk away.

I am all set financially alone so I am not worried about tomorrow, it�s the future.

Sweet pea- that is interesting, I think I may just ask a lawyer for that advice. � we are not in a no-fault state.

When this all started I took a few days off and my boss, said if you need a lawyer, see me. I said �why, if it comes to that, we will just split everything� he said �oh no you won�t. This is not a halving situation�. I guess that made me think. I may be tough but I am not the mean pitbull type.

There are so many financial things that I didn�t think about. I guess I am na�ve or ignoring it. And I don�t feel comfortable with that, I want to know where I stand, I guess.

51CD30,

I would strongly urge you to consult an attorney to get a professional opinion on the probable financial impact of a legal separation or divorce action. I think it will give you some peace of mind, in that you will have a better understanding of where you stand. S/he could probably advise you on a post-marital agreement as well.

Health insurance has been one of my major concerns. It would be wise to take a look at your present policy. You should be eligible for Cobra coverage under your present policy, but it is probably time limited to 3 years. You should also see if your present policy would stop covering you in the event of legal separation or only divorce.

For me, the advice and information I received were well worth the $200 it cost me for the consultation.

Just finishing up the last of the online course, it was good to go through it with the video. We had done the books but this was better.

Question: how do EP�s fall into Love busters? I don�t think they are at all, but that may be a LB in itself.

On another note, one of the EP�s is to say no contact every day, and he was really slacking on it, bc it made him feel that he was bringing up a negative. Well in addition to all of the MB weekend activities, he read HNHN and how to help your spouse heal from an affair. And it dawned on him, why it was so important to say those 2 words.

I think H is gaining clarity to how much work recovery is and how even though he was relieved that all of the A are over and out- that the work he needs to do to help me is ongoing and it not just a move on situation.

I don�t know what new light turned on but I am happy it has.

Chickadee-

Just dropping by, hope all is well!

...and if you get a chance, mind dropping in on love2011

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...flat&Number=2551975&#Post2551975

Her husband's a workaholic and has a former Hooters waitress for a secretary, it seems. And maybe another EA buried in there a few months back as well. Anyways, as she puts it, they're kind of stagnant.

wow just catching up, will look into it further just breazed thru.

doing the online course, couple ups and downs. its been tough, he really is not in touch with any feelings so this is new to him, he closes down alot then that make it worse for me.

that silly cycle- learning how to get thru it.

sometime its one day forward one back, 2 forward 3 back. still trying.

DSS is back from his adventure (over a year) so it has put me on high alert again...

Yes, that is the way the dance is in recovery. Keep moving forward!

ughhh.

having a very bad day. need some advice

DSS came over last week and H dropped him at the House while i was at work he need to kill some time, when H asked how he was getting picked up DSS said a friend. come to find out that it was no "friend" it was baby moma. H said that wont work and gave him money for a cab.

i found thru the keyloger that DSS made arrangement for her to pick him up at the house. I confronted H, and then he told me that he gave him money. now here my problem on the day that this happened H did not tell me. I only found out after i say the keyloger and confronted H.

H spoke to DSS before this incident and said that she is not allowed to do that,- DSS disregared that request.

i really dont know how much more of these incidents i can take. i have email dr. h but i thought i would get some advice.

H came home from lunch to talk. i stayed home bc i am just spent.

Your husband probably didn't want to bring up the "baby momma" to you and thought, by doing the cab, that the situation would be resolved without you needing to know or be triggered by it. He probably didn't count on DSS calling his mother instead.

Was your husband at home with she came to pick up DSS?

For now, you might assume he had good intentions but a lousy methodology. At least he knew his baby's momma wasn't to come near the house and told DSS that. That's a good thing, at least. Right?

Talk it over, see what he says. But I don't blame you for being pissed over the omission.

thanks NW

he was not here and DSS took a cab as far as i know.

yes i think he was trying to fix the problem, but what was he thinking by not telling me. totally lousy methodology.

i drafted a note to DSS- what do you think?

"I am disappointed to find out that after H had requested that you respect our wishes to not have your mother come by the house, but you still made arrangement for her to do just that. I hope that you understand that this is something that I am not comfortable with at all and will not have in my life. I am sorry that this has come to this but in order for me to move forward, I would hope that you would respect my wishes.

This is not something that I take lightheartedly at all and is not something that I will just get over i am writing to you directly beacuse i have to protect myself. and the request that was made was disregarded.

Go over it with your husband and make the letter from both of you.

letter sent. DSS responded he didnt know that was allowed and when he found out he sent her an email saying nevermind no ride needed. (H did tell him, i guess it wasnt clear- have proof of discussion)

whatever, its getting very tiring to have my back up all of the time.

just seems like there will alwas be something.

Seems like it sometimes, doesn't it. It'll get better.

thanks i hope so...

NW- ok me being super senstive i know, seems like my thread has the plague, did i offend?

Hey chicka Am still following your thread even though I don't post too much anymore...



This tells me that your H still has some work to do on being O&H (it's a habit after all and unfortunately, most waywards get out of this habit), and this is something you can help him with.

When you coached with Jennifer, did she have you two do the exercise where you set aside "safe" time each day for your H to tell you details about his day, his interactions with other women at work, etc? During these times, it is vitally important that you do not blow up or have an AO and instead thank your H for sharing to reinforce his being O&H. If something he tells you during this time upsets you, set it aside for later when you can talk calmly about it...

Another exercise (given to us by Dr H but we never completed) would be for the two of you to fill out the personal questionnaires and then go over them with each other. Again, try to reinforce his practice of being O&H.

And might want to try telling him what a FWW told me once here: Anytime I feel, "It would be easier if H just didn't know about this...." that is my cue to tell him/show him RIGHT AWAY. If my brain starts wondering what he would think, then it's time for me to find out.

oh susie you have enough on your plate i am sure, but thank you!! i guess i was feeling like who would want to touch that situation without a 10 foot pole. b/c maybe i say that to myself when i look at it logically.

We never did that w/jennifer but i will suggest it.

its a very bad habit- like a lifetime one.

we did the Personal history but i really had no questions about it as i knew it all already, but i think i will ask him just for pratice. but if we do his we have to do mine and its so boring.

It would be easier if H just didn't know about this...." - i said almost exactly that last night.

feel a little motherish with these things, and he has a big problem with her so how do i do all of these things and not come across that way ( i know he has been thinking it).