I know you are right Markos but what I don't understand is that Topper has made a commitment to work on his marriage and he has shown progress. Why does his wife regress when he has shown the necessary actions?

I know I worked harder in recovery when my wife showed me that she too was going to work at it.

Does her love bank have to be full for her to try and meet his needs?? Just confused on my end I guess.

You have to protect your boundaries. It is poor boundaries with opposite sex.

The fact is that the real measure of whether Hilltopper has done the job or not is his wife. And it's a part of his wife that's not even under her conscious control. It's her Love Bank. For whatever reason, her love bank has decided that he has some big hurdles to get over. But these hurdles are not infinite, they are reachable, and getting over them is going to be good for Hilltopper himself, and his wife, and his children, and his marriage.


Well, yes, that would be motivating to anybody! But that is not the case here, and she is not motivated to do that at this point in time. We can help encourage him to keep going forward even when he is demotivated, to keep at it long enough to finally break through.


None of us can control her or decide that for her. But when her love bank is full, she will want to meet his needs!

Listen to what Dr. Harley told Steve, whose wife is not motivated to work on their marriage:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3324
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3325
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3326
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3327

You can also listen to what Dr. Harley told me:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3332
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3333
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3334

Dr. Harley told Steve that particular information because she was a WW and had been for 15 months.

In HNHN Dr. Harley suggests a man can go two years in Plan A and if that doesn't work, then go to Plan B.

This differs from an affair. In an active affair the man goes six months in Plan A and then 18 months in Plan B.

My wife I would argue is not in withdrawal. I would rather argue that she is enjoying me meeting her needs and not having to reciprocate.

I would also argue that my wife has not regressed, she has merely remained the same. It is my fault for not asking for my needs to be met, I would prefer that she just meet them without me asking, but that is not realistic. It may seem easy for many of you here to ask for what you want but not me. I think it is a combination of my hating rejection and my wife answering my attempts with sarcasm, DJs, and redirects.

I would also argue that my wife is consumed with making herself feel good first and foremost. Meeting my needs doesn't make her feel good so she doesn't do it. It can be explained with this mentality. I go to gym, get skinny, look good but my wife doesn't say anything nor compliment me. Complimenting me doesn't make her feel good, in fact it makes her feel bad about herself, so she doesn't do it. Does that make sense?

Hill, sorry to hear things aren't going well.

I'd encourage you to write into the radio show about this.

What about trying the online program or phone coaching?

Can you give us an example of how you ask for your needs to be met?

Be sure to listen to that show with Steve. What Dr. Harley says about the romantic love threshold being "gradual" versus "sudden" is very important.

I strongly suspect that you are "asking" for your needs to be met by making demands.

You are also DJing her by psychoanalyzing her.

A year later, and you are still lovebusting her. Why would you expect the program to work?

How would you feel about dropping the kids off at the inlaws and going for a run with me Saturday morning?

Hill ... I am sorry things are not going well for you, or at least not getting better. Are you managing to get in 15hrs a week of UA? I know i am not consistantly .. but when my wife and I do, it sure makes a difference. We recently had a huge blow out in the family (you can see my thread if you like) and it took a huge toll on my wife and I .. almost regressed us back to a horrible state .. doesnt take much time at all to make massive LB withdrawls to make things ugly again. The UA is SUPER important .. once we got back on track with our UA things started to turn around again to the positive.

Make sure to take notice of whatever is distracting you from eachother and try to eliminate those things or get through them as quickly and painlessly as possible.

Does your wife still think MB is a good tool? Does she ever mention MB materials on certain things? Is there anything she consistantly complains about? and HOw are things going for avoiding Love Busters? Some times its not necessarily that your not getting in enough UA time too .. sometimes the UA time is being misused and the love busters drain out the love units that are deposited which makes it seem like all efforts to be romantic are futile which in turn sends you both into conflict .. or withdrawl very quickly ... and remember .. each time those nasty lovebusters come out on top again ... its like going back to day 1 or starting your love bank account in neutral .. or in the red on an overdraft. Gotta pay those dues! .. and stay out of "debt". Its hard ... i struggle with this sometimes still. Not so much as I used to .. but once in a while we slip into our old ways and realize my wife and I are back into conflict or withdrawl again and have to work at it to build each other back up.

Stay the path my friend. Avoid ALL lovebusters ... and when they pop in on you remember your back at the beginning again.

You can do it! .. just keep posting and we will hand out the 2x4's as necessary. :P

MNG

This is what I love about you Prisca, you always know what I'm thinking. I admit to the DJs, not to the demands. I come here with DJs to get some feedback on what I should do, not redirects on how poorly I MUST be doing with the MB program. Isn't it possible my wife just isn't willing to do this? If I say that are you gonna say then I must be trying to let myself off the hook? I don't want sympathy, I want a great marriage, but despite my efforts it eludes me.

This is why Dr. Harley talks about Plan B.

The love you have for her at the moment is draining. If she is engaging in IB and DJ herself, then your bank is taking a hit.

Dr. Harley suggests a man can only take this up to two years, and then you must go into Plan B.

Where is your love bank with her today? Are you feeling it approach zero?

It might be time to sit down and discuss how you honestly feel with her. If she makes the environment hostile while you speak the truth, kindly remove yourself and then put your thoughts in a letter.

She needs to know her behavior is causing you to lose your love and this may result in divorce.

Explain to her how much you enjoy meeting her needs, and ask her why she doesn't think you are admirable. Ask her if there is anything you are doing to cause her unhappiness. Explain to her how some of her behaviors are causing you unhappiness.

Tough

I would say you may want to prepare for Plan B. Start to map out what your life might look like.

Its funny you mentioned it. I sent my wife a text saying that from my perspective UA time is the only thing that truly impacts a marriage. I asked her some questions about how she would like me to "plan" things to which she ignored. My wife doesn't answer questions and Prisca I won't judge to the why that is. My wife is not a fan of MB. If I suggest workbook she half agrees but never takes action. She hates the forum and thinks it is the root of all evil. The only consistent LB on my part which is about once every few months is me holding in my feelings and not telling her right away if I'm not happy.

We've been through this so many times. I've changed so much as a person and in our marriage, in fact how I view life. I'm different with people I work with, my family, friends, etc. I don't know where my love bank is, all I know is that I'm back to out of energy again and feel like throwing my hands up.

As far as considering Plan B, I just can't envision it, or at least right now. My life ain't all that bad all things considered. I hate to bring up my wife's family again, and I'd never do it in front of her, but the truth is no one has cracked her mother after 60+ years so I don't see things on my side. Her Dad lives a crappy life with that lady and just keeps the peace to get by every day. My situation isn't nearly that bad so I figure I have more than two years to see if I can get her to adjust just a little.

And how does she respond?

My understanding is that Hilltopper's wife has not been enthusiastic about spending 15 hours together.

She actually said it sounded fun but that she didn't want to "waste" the use of her parents time in place of other babysitting opportunities. Those other opportunities all involved activities with other friends, not one on one time.

She says she wants to spend that time with me and if I acted like I cared and planned it that we'd do it more. On the flip side through many encounters and suggestions she has made it clear she doesn't want for me to plan for sitters and schedules.