Cliffy: Is he a "friend" of your wife's on FB account, if she has one? You can search her friends list ...

Cliffy: Also, your first post was about pain and forgiveness.

You, basically, have been in a False Recovery (FR) for four weeks while your wife has been gaslighting you (lying to you about OM, but trying to make you feel like she's not cheating any more).

You will be on a rollercoaster of emotions for some time. I hate to say it, but there could be more FRs ahead.

I believe the vets would advise you to Plan A (best husband EVER!) right now as you establish recovery standards and etc., then expose and then deal with the exposure aftermath (anger, etc; unless she agrees to jointly expose with you to friends/family).

Only then can the real recovery begin. Vets: Please correct if you think this isn't solid advice!

Hugs,
Sweetpea

Cliffy, can you find his home address? What about a landline?

Good job, sweetpea! Yes, you are right, Plan A is warrranted. And exposure is part of Plan A. Thanks for keeping him on track, sweetpea!

Cliffy, sweetpea is right, you should go home. If anyone leaves it should be HER. Go home, sit her down and DEMAND that she end her affair for life. Tell her she will have to prove to you that all contact is over by changing her phone # and email # and giving you access to all.

But please try and find the OM's GF or wife and notify her. Even if you have to drive to his house, it would be worth it.

I would not go to counseling because that can cause your marriage great harm. Marriage counselors do not understand the foggy mindset of a wayward and as such, counsel them based on current feelings. Since they have no idea how to save marriages, you would be better off going out to dinner together or gettting a pedicure.

Hi melody lane,

Thanks for your advice.

My WW isn't IT savvy and does not have fb. Wish it was that easy. I don't have a home address for him.

Any other ideas?

Two words: Private Investigator.

Cliffy, MB is right, a PI can probably find this guy quickly for about $300. Have you tried googling him? What methods have you tried in your search?

Here is the NC Letter. Thoughts?

..............................................

OM,

this is the very last time I'm going to ask that you STOP contacting me. You don't seem to get the message. You keep promising to not contact me and then you do.
You have completely f****d up my life. By contacting me again you have really put the nail in the coffin.�

SO FOR THE LAST TIME, STOP F*****G CONTACTING ME. LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH DAMAGE TO�LAST 10 LIFETIMES!!!!

You don't know how�many people who I love, who�we have hurt, who I have hurt by my stupid affair with you. husband, Daughter, my Mum, my Dad, Brother and Sister.

They are all hurting and suffering because of us. I hope you choke on the guilt like I am. What we did was so shameful, so selfish, so reckless, so disgusting and so utterly stupid!

We will rot in Hell because of it.

I hope by now you've realised that what we did was a huge mistake. My act of betrayal to Husband, my husband of 13 long loving years was and still is unforgivable. I have hurt Husband deeply, to his very core of existence. What we did for 2 months has completely destroyed the foundations of my marriage.

I keep thinking that if I had never bumped into you in the street in [city] I wouldn't be in this nightmare that I'm in at the moment. One which I'll never wake from. If you hadn't emailed me and try and communicate with me until I broke my resolve, none of this would be happening. IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! But I also have come to the realisation that although fate played a small part, ultimately I had choices, and I chose the wrong ones for whatever reason or excuse I thought I had. And I know whatever excuse I had did not for 1 minute justify our affair.�

I want you to know that I only love Husband. I chose him over you 15 years ago and I'm chosing him again now. Although for me it was never really a choice. You know deep down I would never have left him to be with you. Even if Husband decides to leave me, I will never be with you. I would always look at you and remember that you are the cause of my marriage breakup and I would always blame you for it, for our stupid affair. Blaming you too for whatever becomes of Daughter. If Daughter grows up without her mummy, you will have that on your conscience for the rest of your life, as I'll have it on mine. I don't know how I'm going to live without the 2 most important Loves of my life- my husband and my daughter.

SO AGAIN FOR THE LAST TIME, DO NOT EVER CONTACT AGAIN. YOU'VE CAUSED ENOUGH GRIEF TO MY WHOLE FAMILY.

WW

Go with it! She wrote that?

Yep. I think she has woken up after her mom and dad almost literally disowned her for what she's done.

Is it a good letter

Like Melodylane said, "Go with it"

Your WW wrote that and it's a good letter. If you agree with everything then send it off.

Cliffy,

You said she was in contact with him again. Do you know if she has been in physical contact again since the time you both were tested for STD's?

Hopefully the talk with the parents will help her get out of the fog. On the other hand, she should be really committed to recover and seriously remorseful for what she has done. You don't want her to stay if she is only doing this to please her parents. I wish you luck.

Agreed, Cliffy. She's finally waking up. Sorry I had to duck out, but we had company over for labor day.

OK, now the NC letter is written, hopefully sent. That's a GREAT first step.

What are your next steps? Read the Basic Principles on this forum, and/or go buy the book "Surviving an Affair."

Keep moving forward, not backward. Figure out what emotional needs you BOTH need to meet for each other to be fully committed. THen figure out what precautions she needs to meet to safeguard your marriage!

Thanks sweet pea.

I have told her to change her mobile number and change her email address.

Have read basic principles and will go out today to buy surviving an affair. I ordered it online a few days but have not heard back, so will just go out and get a copy.

I am still so angry she lied to me again. She finally revealed more when I went home and faced her.

She believed that i could see all of her phone calls and SMS's. She told me, 2 days after D-day she warned OM to not take her calls just in case it was me ringing from her phone? Am I right that she still cares for him and wants to protect him.

I hope after the NC letter that it is the start of recovery. But there is so much deceit and lies, I don't know what to believe anymore.

Change these for her. Don't wait for her to do it. Do it now.

Thanks marital bliss.

The NC letter has been sent. She is in the process of changing phone and email now.

She wants to move on and keeps telling me, but how can I believe her?

Believe her? You can't, nor should you. Makes no difference.

There is no "moving on and forgetting". There is moving forward. You both are taking steps to move forward! Great! It'll take EFFORT and planning to fall in love again. Just like you did when you first met.

One thing you'll have to commit to is at least 20 hours of UA time each week. Have you planned that out? Exactly?

Yep. Going Plan A, and went through the 10 basic concepts.

We're doing the emotional needs questionnaire now.

Cliffy: Great work! I know it's really hard. I have been where you are, and you will feel every kind of emotion for the next several months.

Surfer88 is right. You will not forget, nor should you. Your WS, like mine, has bad boundaries. You will have to be vigilant for the rest of your life. Why? We're all susceptible to affairs; ours obviously took the bait. We ALL need to take steps to ensure that our marriages stay strong. EPs, undivided attention hours every week, honesty and openness, meeting each others emotional needs will create an unbreakable bond for your two.

And the wonderful thing is: you'll be happy. Both of you. My FWH is. I am (95% of the time, and I know I'll get to 100% eventually).

But I'm ever vigilant, and I don't hesitate to remind FWH is I think we're -- or he is slipping.

Don't fear the ups and downs of the roller coaster you are on. Keep your eye on the end (a successful, safe and happy marriage) and you'll handle it fine. Oh, and don't forget to breathe. Deep, deep breaths.

Great work Cliffy! OK, gotta get to work. Best of luck and I'll try to check in this evening.