Hi all, I am new to this site but find it very interesting and would really love some opinions regarding my problem, I don't even know if this is the right section but here goes...
I am 50, my husband is 58, both on our 3rd marriage. We met online 4.5 yrs ago, had a long distance relationship, married in 2009 and I moved with my teenage children to the USA in Feb to be with my husband. He has a very troubled history, was sexually abused in orphanages as a child, was in military and had/has PTSD due to war (Vietnam), married for 1st time very young and wife was unfaithful and left him, married on rebound 2nd time to a lesbian (not just him saying it, I have met her, she really is), no sex for years at a time, sought refuge in alcohol and porn, staying for his children.
I found out he had porn on a visit to him about 3 yrs ago, told him I wasnt happy, he said he would stop but didnt, this led to 2 further arguments. A month ago I found out he had contacted 2 men of similar age on Craigslist and joined a 'jack off' group. They met in a hotel at lunchtime about once a month and watched porn, apparently no touching each other involved. I was EXTREMELY angry and upset, we had massive row and he broke down completely. He said he wanted to end it, and I made him take me to one of the men's houses while he told him in person. He told me all he ever had as comfort was self pleasure for years, it had become a very bad habit, this group was the first time ever and it was because he was very bothered that he could get an erection with me but not orgasm. In short he felt like a total failure and this was his way of feeling better but punishing himself at the same time, because he said I am the love of his life and he felt he didnt deserve me.
He has been having intensive counseling at a hospital, now back at work and we are going to have ongoing therapy together. He says for the first time EVER he feels like someone cares for him and he wants to get rid of the crap in his life. Trouble is, I feel so betrayed and angry, I am having such trouble forgiving or thinking kindly of him. He has lied to me and looked at porn with other men (?? I don't get that one at all!) Apart from that he is a great husband, kind, loving, generous, fantastic with my sons and we get on very well. He has sworn to me very sincerely that he will do ANYTHING to be the best husband from now on, never hurt me again and work every day to get rid of the hateful, insecure feelings about himself that have been hurting him for years.
My question is....is this worth my helping him to overcome and stay with him, hoping he will be true to his word (he certainly seems very committed) or should I just get out now in case he repeats this destructive behavior later on? He is distraught at the thought of my leaving him, but I am not feeling very sympathetic at the moment! I would just be so grateful for other people's insights.
Many thanks and blessings to you all.

If he will commit to recovering your marriage and a) staying away from porn and b) ending all contact with his boyfriends, you do have a chance IF YOU FOLLOW THIS PROGRAM. That means using the basic concepts in addition to affair proofing your marriage.

I would get the book, Surviving an Affair and follow the program in there.

I would strongly suggest you get STD testing AND put a keylogger on his computer. Don't tell him about the keylogger.

Since you have kids who are not his, I totally understand why you would consider jumping ship.
I say that due to his lack of common boundaries (meeting other men he didn't know for porn parties), being abused as a child himself.

You have been together 4.5 years and you are still young (fifty is the new 30).

MelodyLane states the facts......all those things would need to be in place to work for the marriage and your kids are an additional concern if things didn't get in place.

Snooping is wise. Super wise. Don't tell him you are doing it so you can get a clearer picture of his life.

I think that if he developed very bad coping skills when things were different in his life that he may have a hard time breaking those bad habits.

I can tell you I have a family member that had unhealthy outlets for sexual frustration when he was single. He carried those habits into his marriage and they ended when he confessed them and confronted them. He has a loving wife and is deeply in love and doesn't want to ruing a great thing by reverting to old habits which were perfectly normal things for him to do when he was single (I would never do it nor do I agree with it, but I'm just using it as illustration).

I sense a similar thing here, though watching porn with other men and jerking off with them is very weird.

If he is truly giving this up, then I say fight for your marriage. If he repeats it, I'd file for D and leave.

Thank you so much for your answers. Helpthelostdads is right, my husband developed bad skills for coping a long time ago, which I guess because of his age are very ingrained. However, we have talked about this at great length, and he recognises this and says he is sick and tired of this behaviour because it makes him hate himself and now he has hurt the one he loves most - me.

Without my asking he has arranged counseling for us and is making every effort to 'woo' me again. He calls me numerous times through the day from his office landline so I know where he is, and I cautiously believe he is determined to stop his bad behaviour and throw everything into making our marriage work. I know he isn't a BAD guy, just one who has made bad choices, and as I said before he is good in so many ways.

So...I am hoping things will work out for us. Interestingly I looked on the internet about men masturbating together and it's a lot more common than I realised. It's a funny old world out there!

Thanks again and good luck to all.