Speckled, I see someone who knows that something is wrong but for whatever reason is afraid to speak up. Your husband is abusing you. Period. There is no scale of acceptable abuse. Abuse is abuse. This will not get better. It will progress. Each time you cover up his abuse, he just grows bolder. Do you really want to walk on egg shells for the rest of your life? What about your children? Sure, he may be "nice" to them NOW, but what happens when he turns on them?

The BEST thing you can do for your marriage, your children, and yourself is to leave this man and draw a line in the sand. Leaving doesn't necessarily mean divorce. Saying you have no where to go just doesn't fly because there are women's shelters everywhere. They will help you. Stepping away from the situation will allow you to look at your life more clearly. Sometimes being "in it" prevents you from seeing just how scary and WRONG this is. You may think you're doing the right thing by "standing by your husband" but what you're really doing is setting up a terrible childhood for your children and making choices that could be deadly.

Please listen to ML! Please email the radio show and speak directly to Dr. Harley.

You don't have to live this way unless you want to.

Hm. None of the above justifies abuse, but I did want to point out that you have an Independent Behavior problem, which bothers a great number of spouses. As well as a disrespectful judgment problem, like when you justified getting corn because his not wanting it didn't make sense to you.

I'd email the radio show mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. I'm thinking that you might do well to do a short Plan A, where you knock off those LBs and meet his needs, followed a Plan B where you make it a condition of his return that he participate in MB and an anger management program.

cwmi you give MB a bad name when you say that. Refusing to give into Selfish Demands (SDs) isn't the love buster (LB) of Independent Behavior (IB). Think about it, this isn't a man with a corn allergy or severe poverty to where it harms him if she gets a haircut. He just says no to intimidate her.


You say he wouldn't understand why you left, but all this here, he would know exactly why. He isn't an idiot, he is doing all this stuff on purpose. The point of leaving with the kids is so that he would know that you're not willing to tolerate this anymore. I wouldn't push you, because if you leave before you're ready, you may just drag your kids back into that. But please speckled the next time one of these humiliating things happens think for a minute about what you're teaching your kids that we need to put up with. Take a look at their faces. No one should have to live with that.

How old are your kids? How much does alcohol and drugs play into this?

Ned, you're supposed to negotiate these things, not sneak out or run away and do them anyway. If you want to get technical about it, the selfish demand is that she get her hair cut and buy corn and he just needs to put up with it. Asking your spouse not to do something is not a SD. I'm not trying to imply that he actually asked.

cwmi step one in negotiation is to make the environment safe. She said he was in a shouting rage. So until the environment is safe for negotiation, all she can do is check her intent and trust her own judgment. Independent behavior is an attempt to gain at your spouse's expense. It's clear that these two choices were not made at her spouse's expense. From the Selfish Demand article, "Demands carry a threat of punishment -- an if-you-refuse-me-you'll- regret-it kind of thing. In other words, you may dislike what I want, but if you don't do it, I'll see it it that you suffer even greater pain." He did that by denying her the ability to eat dinner with their kids.

Speckled, have you read Dr. H's Q&As on Domestic Violence? Your marriage as it is isn't sustainable, but you can learn how to give your marriage the best chance at becoming a healthy, thriving, one. A one-year separation is suggested because it gives your H a motivation to change that he doesn't have today. It's so important not to go back too soon, before the lasting change happens. Getting the police involved also gives your H a motivation to change that he doesn't have today. Even if they don't arrest him, it will send a clear message that you know this isn't okay.

I second what princessmeggy said, not only will he get bolder, but the frequency and severity of the abuse will escalate. Blaming you for an accident he had? Squeezing your hand because he was in a bad mood?

You need to contact social services and come up with a plan where you have a place to go if you have to leave in a hurry. I would also try to save money in amounts that won't raise suspicion and either leave it with a family member you can trust or a friend - NOT A MEMBER OF YOUR CHURCH. You need to have an escape plan that no one will compromise.

Your husband isn't going to apologize, he isn't going to miraculously change, and he isn't going to STOP. Stop making excuses for him, and stop thinking because you all go to church that you are somehow different. Your husband is a Christian wife beater and you are a Christian soon to be battered wife.

What she did with the corn was clearly independent behavior and was disrespectful. But I view that as a distraction. That is the peeling paint in the girl's bathroom on the sinking Titanic. What is relevant is that SHE IS NOT SAFE.

When there is physical abuse, the solution is to separate. Period. A little jail time will help this man realize the error of his ways.

I believe that statement means not to part as husband and wife - I don't think it was ever meant to imply that you physically must remain together. Especially if you're being physically abused. This concerns me. These are the words of an enabler. Why would you feel like an awful person for reaching out for help?? This is also abuse, Speckled. Your H is a very mean, cold person who enjoys frightening and humiliating you. You understand that, right? It has nothing to do with teaching him a lesson! It has everything to do with protecting yourself and your children!

Your entire post seems to be justifying why you plan to stay with a wife beater. Do you want help to get out of this situation, or do you just need to vent to someone?

Speckled, STOP. Read this sentence again! Do you see just how bad this looks?? "Well, things must be getting better: he didn't beat me as bad this time as he did last time."

Speckled I am a Christian. I have also been emotionally abusive toward my wife during our marriage and have been working through this program to eliminate this sin. James 1:20 teaches us that man's anger does not bring about the righteousness of God.

I believe that the next time and every time your husband becomes physically abusive toward you, you should call the police. This is Dr. Harley's perspective as well, and the perspective of the anger management therapist I have seen.

And it is my perspective as a Christian that someone who becomes physically violent within the church has placed themselves so far outside of the church's authority and influence that they must be given up to secular authorities. There is much in the New Testament about the church holding themselves accountable, even to the point of judging matters amongst ourselves before going to secular courts. But there is also material about putting a person outside of the church and "hand such a man {a person who has rejected the church's authority and continues to sin horribly} over to Satan so that the sinful nature may be destroyed and his spirit saved on the day of the Lord." {That's 1 Corinthians 5}

Please expose your husband's violence to your church. They need to hold him accountable. If your church does not protect and assist you, I urge you to leave that church and find another Bible-based church that will. Ephesians 5:11 says "Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them." You might also benefit from looking through Matthew 18. I have heard Dr. Harley talk a little bit about how a church needs to encourage the exposure of marital sins such as abuse and violence, in accordance with this teaching from the Bible.

I'd also suggest you give Dr. Harley a call. You can email his wife Joyce at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com and they would be glad to talk to you on their radio program and also offer some assistance. Dr. Harley talks about anger on his radio program very frequently.

Oh, Speckled, are you reading the Bible? Does your church encourage reading the Bible? Mercy me, no, we are not supposed to "just pray." We are supposed to pray and ACT. Listen to the Lord:

What doth it profit, my brethren, though a man say he hath faith, and have not works? can faith save him? If a brother or sister be naked, and destitute of daily food, And one of you say unto them, Depart in peace, be ye warmed and filled; notwithstanding ye give them not those things which are needful to the body; what doth it profit? Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone.

That is from the book of James in the New Testament.

See how disappointed God would be at the man who merely prays about a problem and does not do anything to help?


That is worrisome.

Stop trying to convince us that his abuse is not all that bad.

ONE bruise is enough. JUST ONE. And you've had more than that.

I'm a Christian, too. I also believe in "till death do us part." But, that doesn't mean sticking around while your husband beats you to death. You can leave without divorcing him. You can protect yourself and your children.

He will not stop until you no longer tolerate the way he treats you.

Thank you! I lived this kind of nightmare for over 20 years. And to have somone focus on the 'peeling paint' when I was drowning felt like they were tying concrete blocks to my feet!

Besides the obvious physical danger she is in, there is the issue of her mental health if she continues living with this man. She already feels as if no one understands and everyone thinks it is her fault.

Speckled you might be surprised how your family really feels, but you must speak to them first. And tell them everything! My now XH had me keep a horrible secret from my family for 7 years because he convinced me they would think I was a terrible person. The reality of the secret is that I was almost raped and my then husband blamed me for it. I let him make me feel as if I should be ashamed of almost being raped! When I finally got the courage to file for divorce he again begin threatening to tell my parents about the assault against me---I had had enough though. I began to tell anyone and everyone about the incident and I was stunned to discover that NO ONE thought it was my fault at all and they were FURIOUS at him for blaming it on me. It was then that I realized how much he had damaged me.

It will take a lot of courage to get yourself out of this situation. I have been out for 2 1/2 years and my life is now amazing. You might can save your marriage (that will largely be up to your husband) but you MUST save yourself so that you can be a mother to your children.

Is telling the truth a no no in your family and church as well? God does not want us to lie and bear false witness in order to protect evil deeds. Shine the light on the darkness, please.

Yes it is.

I know in my church, all I would need to do is call our elders and tell them that Markos left a bruise, and several of them would probably show up with guns.

I wonder if they really feel that it's as "hush hush" as you say. You really downplay the abuse. I wonder if you just assume they will, too, when in reality they would rally around you. Have you tried talking to anybody and asking for help? How many people?

Good advice. However, I would further add that even if the church doesn't support her she STILL doesn't have to stay and take that abuse. They are humans beings and it is possible that her husband will lie about this and talk his way out of it and make her look foolish. I had life long CLOSE friends who were taken in by my XH. Eventually, they realized their mistake, but in the meantime I had to go against their counsel and save myself and my son.


Yes, I hope she will call.

Do you believe God's punishment and discipline of your husband could result in better character on his part and a better life for all of you?

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. {Hebrews 12:11}

If you do believe this, then you don't want to protect your husband from the consequences of his actions. If you prevent those consequences from reaching him, you are stopping God's discipline, which is for his good, and yours, and your children's.

"The authorities are God's servants, sent for your good. But if you are doing wrong, of course you should be afraid, for they have the power to punish you. They are God's servants, sent for the very purpose of punishing those who do what is wrong." {Romans 13:4}

You've mentioned 2 kids. What are their genders and ages?

I pray you are not raising daughters in this environment.
How dare you model this behavior for them.
Do you really want to teach your children that this is "normal" behavior?

I have no daughters but I don't want to give out any other info on my children online. I'm in a difficult situation where my husband is a resident of where I live not a citizen. One report from the police or anything and hed be kicked out permanently and so he could never return even if he changed. My husband does not drink and does not do drugs. We have a zero alcohol rule in this house and would never even think of taking drugs. In regards to the corn and hair saying it was exibiting independent behavior the thing was in the corn incident he said i couldn't have corn, i tried to say you know ill just have corn with my meal you dont have to have any if you dont want. He was just furious and shouting and scary and just said NO! I went out and got some because I thought well if i then listen okay I wont have corn then he'll think okay if I just yell at my wife and tell her what to do i can get what i want. The reason we had no corn in the house was cause last time we were at the store he said buy it anohter day. I mean it seems wierd to be forbidden from vegetables so I didn't see how it would be better to listen to him in that case. THe hair I had discussed it with him for a week. I said if you like my hair now I wont do anything drastic I'll just get a trim to get rid of the dead ends and the hair out of my eyes (ive tried cutting it myself in the past and it turned out scary) and he isn't saying no for financial reasons. So it came to the point he was unwilling to compromise to even a trim so I thought am I to just never cut my hair again even though its all ratty? I had no choice but to go out and get it cut without him knowing. He gets his haircut all the time and even drives all the way to another city to get his favorite hairstylist. I just go to a cheap one in town. Again I thought wouldn't it just teach him he can control me in every way if I listened? I mean I believe couples need to discuss things together and come to agreements of course but its kind of hard if there is no room for negotiating its just a stern No never! I wasn't asking if I could buy a BMW or something. So I don't know I just feel if I always listen every time he says NO! Id never be able to do anything. I couldn't slowly have a secret savings over time either because every day I go out he immediately goes online and checks the bank account to see what ive spent and where and then questions me about it. And no im not a crazy shopper or anything. I buy bare necessities the family needs, but hell forbid me to shop at certain grocery stores and get angry if I bought detergent from an unapproved store or something. So cant sneak a cent past him. And it is not cause we have financial issues we almost have our house paid off and money in savings, no debt, cars paid off. I guess I was just hoping there would be advice on how to fix the problem without a seperation which currently Im not really comfortable with considering my son is going through aba therapy 4 days a week and they come to my house and im under contract and he needs this therapy it is helping him improve so much. So if i left hed lose the therapy and this is life changing therapy for him. And again for all the above reasons I gave as well. Its really hard if you haven't personally been in the situation cause it is definetly easier said then done. I guess hoping for some in home quick fix is not possible.

I agree this was your hope. And it is completely unrealistic. This is not something that can swept under the rug and fixed easily. And your husband does need to go to jail - or get exported - if he commits domestic violence. We do have laws in this country, after all.


I have personally been in that situation. ONE TIME. And he still doesn't grow hair where I slammed the baseball bat on the crown of his head. I would encourage you to keep an enforcer around so you can defend yourself if needed.

But I do know that you need to grow up and start acting like an adult. You have a responsibility to protect yourself and your children. There is no excuse to sit there and do nothing. You are not a child who is at the mercy of a grown up. Yet you act like one.

I think its insane to wait around until he beats you up again; I would tell him to move out for a year while he goes through intensive anger management therapy. That would be a pro-active, intelligent way of handling it. And if he gets himself under control in that year, let him come back at the end of the year.

And PLEASE, call up your families and your pastor today and let them know. You need their support.