Hello, this is my first post I've just been having a hard time finding helpful information on dealing with verbal and physical abuse in a christian marriage. Secular groups answer: DIVORCE! Christian groups: Submit to your husband!
My husband isn't a monster or anything hes generally a good guy but when he loses his temper he can sometimes get nasty. We've been married 6 years, known eachother 9 and in those years he physically hurts me maybe once a year. This can involve hitting me in the face, kicking me numerous times, throwing objects at me, pulling my hair etc. He also can be verbally abusive this week instead of asking me nicely to wash a tray said Woman wash the tray! I said if you ask nicely I have a name. He said Woman wash the tray NOW! And he never apologises for these cases sometimes even saying its to teach me a lesson. So generally he is a nice guy just every now and then loses it. I know we all lose our temper sometime and no one is blameless I just need advice on maybe how to get him to vent his anger another way or what I should do?

Dr Harley is a bible believing Christian and his answer is for you to separate until your husband gets professional help for his problem. You should not submit to a husband who abuses you and doing so only encourages his abusive behavior. It is up to you to get away from him until and unless he gets himself under control. Until that happens, he is a very dangerous man and your life is in jeopardy.

Your husband is a dangerous man who has the ability to kill you. And that is a very high risk as long as he has no control over his temper.

Here is a Q&A from Dr Harley, but you can also email Dr Harley about your problem and he will help you. Click on the radio link at the top of the page and it will give you instructions:

Domestic Violence

Are you married? Did you live together before marriage?

Married for six years (there was no verbal or physical abuse during dating) and have 2 kids one is special needs and is at therapy 4 days a week so I can't just up and leave. In my family even a temp seperation would be a huge no no. Also, I would have nowhere to go with 2 kids. There is nowhere I could up and leave to. Its hard cause as christians your always supposed to just pray through everything and these kind of topics are sort of hush hush in the church. As I said generally he is a good guy, physical incidents are just about once a year and it has been months since the last one. Verbal abuse is more frequent but I just try to ignore it. If he would stop the abuse it would be great and we could move on and work on other areas of the marriage. Or even just apologise or admit it was wrong. There was once he was angry at me cause while leaving work he backed into another car and he blamed me even though at the time of the accident I was at home watching the kids. He said I cost him a lot of money this time. I couldn't understand how. He said because the last time I had used the car I'd moved the rear view mirror and he was distracted fixing it thats why he backed into the car. So he randomly gets angry at just wierd things like that. But then he can be really nice the rest of the time. Just these weird incidents.

What is the email I could write him at?

Of course it's not a no no. You are an adult woman and can make your own decisions. You are not a child and have a responsibility to protect your life and that of your children. While it may be hard to separate, there are many ways to do it. For example, you get a legal separation that requires him to leave. I would find out your legal rights.

Have you told your family that he is a cowardly wife beater? Have you called the police and had him arrested? I would do both of those things. Tell all your family members and ask for their support. And the next time he touches you, call the police and have him arrested. That is probably the best thing you can do for him. But hopefully, there won't be a next time if you take steps to get him out.

Can you go stay with your parents? Do they know he is a wife beater?

Its hard cause as a christian till death do us part is always pounded in your brain. I do care for him and don't want to leave him. Hes generally a good guy and great with the kids. I mentioned the few physical abuse incidents to my sisters and instantly felt guilty and ashamed like I should keep things like that to myself and that God would send me to hell or something for speaking bad of my husband. So I haven't told other family then them because I'd feel like an awful person. I've mentioned verbal abuse to other family members but their advice was to just tell him to apologise and stop to which he laughed at me and said no now go away you annoy me. I know I'm not perfect I've called him mean names at times when angry but I always feel guilty and apologise to him. Its hard cause his verbal abuse he never apolgises for. And sometimes when hes mad he'll drive recklessly even if he knows im terrified in the passenger seat. Also he has a rich family I don't have money so if there ever was a seperation hed just get custody of the kids and go which there is no way id ever have my kids taken from me! I'd have nowhere to go cause my family wouldn't support seperation. I've never called the cops before he'd just deny it and get furious at me. And he has a very sweet gentle nature in public so everyone automatically assumes it must be me. I think if he physically tries to hurt me again I'd have to take the kids and go to a hotel or something to try to teach him a lesson. Or hed just yell at me when i got home for wasting money on a hotel. So confused.

I couldn't stay with my parents I wouldn't feel comfortable if there was another incident. On a previous occasion when my mom noticed things were a bit tense between us instead of asking me waht was going on she just asked, "what did you do to him?" Another time I mentioned some struggles I was given a book titled "what its like to be married to me" again suggesting it must be me. As mentioned before I know i'm not always a great wife but I don't ever hit him. I care for him I don't want to leave him and I dont want the kids to not see their dad who they love and hes always kind with.

I would get the help of both your families so they can get involved. TEll your pastor so he can help your husband be a man instead of a punk. Nowhere does the Bible say that you should enable evil or keep it a secret. It says the opposite.

Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.
Ephesians 5:11

I would let your families and your pastor know and tell your husband this has to end. Tell him he has to get help for his problem or he needs to get out. If he won't enter an anger management course and get counseling, he needs to hit the road.

Your husband is dangerous, ma'am, and you do him and your family no favors by enabling him. He needs your help in learning to be a man. Help him be a real man.

I guess I'm talking myself into a corner here giving myself no real options but I don't really feel I have any. Just wish I knew a way to make him stop so we could move on.

Do you really care for him? If you do, then you will help him be a man and put a stop to this. If he were sick with cancer, wouldn't you get him help? Do you want your kids to see him in prison when he kills you? Who will take care of them if he kills you? Do you not think they deserve a little better than that? Then why not be an adult here and make your husband straighten up?

You are looking for an easy, soft, convenient way out and I don't think you will be successful in that regard. It is going to take a more pro-active, aggressive approach if you are serious about turning this around. I predict that half measures, and sweeping it under the rug will avail you nothing.

How do you expect people to understand the problem if you don't tell them the truth? It seems you are blaming them for not being mind readers. It sounds to me like they were trying to be helpful. I see them taking a more proactive approach than you are yourself. You are doing nothing; they gave you a book to read.

I am not trying to be harsh, but it is going to take much more than apathy and complacence.

I just think on the rating of abuse scale I'm on the lower end of physical abuse (one occurance a year) and only one incident left a bruise though the others were painful and have caused redness and welts. I don't fear for my life (except when he does one of his reckless driving temper tantrums) I don't think it would escalate that much. I do care for him and I want to help him stop it but if i tried anything at this point with the last physical abuse being months ago and he seems to get amnesia about them and deny they ever happened hed be confused and think I was nuts. Or sometimes I wonder if he realises hes hurting me doesn't know his own strength. I just wonder if theres a way to help him stop without seperation. And I think i could only justify a temporary seperation if he hits me again that way thered be no confusion to him as why i was taking the kids for a break.

That sounds like conflict avoidance to me. If he hits you again, you might end up in the hospital. And of course, if he does it again, you should call the police and have him thrown in jail.

Waiting around to see if he beats you up again is a very poor plan that endangers your life.

Did you see my post about getting your families and your pastor involved? Go to him with an ultimatum and give him an opportunity to stop it and to get professional help.

But I think one of the biggest problems here is that you seem very timid and not willing to address this problem as an adult. Do you think this is how a rational adult handles problems?

The last physical incident wasn't as bad as others. He was in a mood so I put my hand on his shoulder to try to soothe him and he grabbed it and grinded the bones together in my hand it was quite painful. I asked him to apologise and he said no you were being annoying. Verbal is more frequent like I mentioned this week addressing me as Woman instead of my name. I went on a 14km walk that day to have a break from him but wished for a longer one. He didn't want to apologise for that because he said he hadn't done anything wrong. Or I wanted my hair cut cause it was getting ratty and in my eyes and he said no he didn't want me to. I snuck out and did anyway and he just laughed when he saw me and said if anyone says it looks good they are just being polite to you. Or there's silly things like he was making noodles I wanted corn with my noodles we didn't have any so I said id go to the store to get corn. He forbid me and said dont you dare get corn. This made no sense to me so with him shouting in a rage to get back in the house i ran to the car and got corn, cost only a dollar so dont know why it made him mad got home and he said i was not allowed dinner with the rest of them I'd have to make myself a sandwich or something since id disobeyed him about the corn. Its just so frustrating to me that he has these wierd blow ups over things that make no sense. So even the verbal abuse is on the more minor scale but still bothersome and hurtful.

I feel timid about it cause I don't want to hurt him, I don't want my family to hate me, I don't want my children to miss their dad and I don't know where I'd go. I'm afraid God would punish me. If I stay with him I have to put up with hurtful comments and getting hit once a year but I avoid all above problems.

How would leaving him straighten him up though thats whats confusing me. I think he'd be angry and hurt but not really know what was going on since he genuinely believes hes never done any wrong.

Sounds like conflict avoidance comes at a high cost, doesn't it?