I've been here since August and have posted and answered many posts. When I first came on, my answers were very positive and possibly helpful...hopefully. Since then, the positives have slowly turned into negativity. This is not something that I have meant to do. Surely, don't want to be that way in my writing, but, it's the way that I have been feeling. A great deal of it has to do with my own life, marriage and now it's spilling over into my writing. There is no room on this board for negativity. At times, I can only say what is exactly on my mind and don't know how to tone it down because of the anger of my marriage. The other half is, probably again due to my negativity in the marriage, is when I do answer alot of times, and spend much time answering, it's like I just wasted time. I don't even know if I am ever helping anyone. If anyone ever takes what I even say and uses it? swallows it? take it into account? What I am saying is that I don't feel like I am being useful to anyone here. Thirdly, since I have been here since August, funny enough, there are clicks on the board. I always find clicks in groups of people at work, clubs, social places, friends, but, now even on the forum. It doesn't matter how many times I post. Clicks won't let me in. What's my role here? I've come to get help from members on my marriage and have had great replies. Now, that's fine and I'm working on my marriage. But, all along, I've always wanted to help people. I no longer feel that I am doing that anymore. My negativity comes out of my personal thinking and also by the frustration on the forum. So, I think that by not being here really won't make one difference at all. Who cares of I live or die? Who would possibly know? It doesn't matter. Oh, well, here we go again, I am being negative. It's just time for me to go. Thanks again for those that ever responded to my posts and helped me.

I'm sorry you feel this way. I trully appreciate any response you have given me.

I'm sorry you feel that way, too. I don't post to everyone - don't feel like I have anything worthwhile to say sometimes.<P>But I read ALL posts and learn something from each of them. I felt the same way once, you know. But stuff seems to come in waves, even responses and "clicks" here. I don't think it's really like that. Just some stories are more familiar than others.<P>I do wish, if we can be of help, or if you feel that you have something worthwhile to say (and I know you do - I've read all your responses), that you won't go away forever. If you need a break, ok. But don't feel like you don't belong. We all belong here together.<P>Much luck and hugs to you.<P>Lori

Another example of why I think it's necessary to try to individually acknowledge responses to posts. I notice many more posters seem to be doing this and I really feel it helps the responder to know their post has at least been read. Any response,,"hey,good idea,,,,,thanks for caring,,,lousy idea,I can't do that,,,I have tried that,," anything,,just to let the person who replied know that their time was not a total waste.<BR> <BR>Katya, I'm sure your responses were appreciated, even if the poster did not individually acknowledge it. I think you'll notice most of the "old timers" on this forum do try to reply to each post but it sometimes gets hard when there are lots os responses. The new posters will learn. Hopefully. It seems that when we have problems in our lives, we are extra sensitive to feeling left out and/or invisible. Please, don't take it personally. And, sometimes, with these problems, the posters have tunnel vision, in that their main concern is solving their problem, unintentionally forgeting to respond to you.<P>I have posted on this forum since about March 1998. During that time I have seen many, many posters come and go. I also noticed the cliques and have watched them change. The clique I chose to join was my H and family. THAT's my clique. That's the only one we really need.<P>As to your perceived negativity. We all go through times like that, some longer, some get through it faster. But that is all part of the pain of a troubled relationship and the frustration of rebuilding. That too will pass. And really, sometimes negativity is helpful,,just to know you are not alone with those feelings. It does get better.<P>Hopefully, when you first joined this forum, one of the oldtimers welcomed you and let you know this is the hardest, most bumpy, winding road of your life. Not a real fun place to be but a helpful place with lots of suggestions and advice. I'm so sorry if you haven't found it to be what you expected or wanted. But if you're up to the challenge,, stick around, change it, be there for someone that you can identify with, as you have in the past. Your input is needed and helpful, even if it isn't always acknowledged.

Katya, PLEASE don't leave. You are one of the first people to have responded to my posts when I was so lost and felt like a discarded Kleenex. YOU let me in. The heck with the cliques, I tired of trying to break into those in jr. high. What we are going through now requires maturity beyond what normal (unbetrayed) peolple live with. Please stick around. RIght now I am "up" cause he is home and things look good. That doesn't mean I won't post to you or we can even chat elsewhere online. <P>If my presently hopeful situation won't depress you further, perhaps we can build each other up for the battles and victories ahead. <P>I have been looking for posts from you for the past week, and thought you were in a good place, so that's why you weren't posting.<P><BR>By His grace, <P>still hopeful and faithful,<P>LIZ<P>------------------<BR>When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. Isaiah 43:2<P><BR>

Katya, <P>We all NEED each other, so please hang-in there. I am pretty new to this forum. I post when I feel I have something to say. Lots of the members are familiar with each others' stories, but I am just learning folks here. I have read most every thread and post. I have learned alot, although I do not agree with every person's individual opinion. <P>Since you are feeling negativity, all the more reason to reach out for a gentle caress from those who can share your pain. Stay and let us all help each other. The outcome of our marriages may not be within our total control, but our ability to reach out and feel and understand each other's pain and struggles is within our sphere. You ARE valued here. Pleas stay!!<BR>{{{{{{{Katya}}}}}}}<P>Roll Me Away

HI katya, I am afraid I understand how you feel a bit. Not to sound defensive of self or anyone else, I think the "cliques" may be a result of people with things in common? I am not sure, but I know there are those I post to more often because it is easier. Yes, it is lazy too. I apologize for this. It is easier for me because the topic is something close to me, or something I have recently experienced. I also try to post to the new people, though I readily admit I have fallen down on that job lately! <BR>And there are those here that we simply do not agree with, and likely never will! <BR>I do feel that some acknowledgement is good netiquette. I tend to lump things together. <BR>I APPRECIATE YOUR REMINDER!!!<BR>WIsh you would stay and continue to give us your insight! And I hope we can use this as a reminder that feelings are quite sensitive here, and we need to give some extra care.<BR> cl

Katya - I have definitely appreciated your responses to my posts. Your descriptions of your situation and your advice to me about mine have been very helpful believe me. I know there've been times when I felt there were cliques here too. But the longer I stick around, the less I feel that way. I know there are plenty of times when I've posted on a thread someone has started and haven't gotten a personal response. This used to bother me some, but now it really doesn't. For my part, I always do try and respond to everyone who posts on one of my threads, just like Nerlycrzy suggests. (Great suggestion, BTW, Nerly. I completely agree w/ you.) I have to say, I've been posting for nearly a year. Started when I really confirmed my W's affair beyond the shadow of a doubt. Don't think I could really have survived without MBF and that's why I continue (and will continue) to post here despite a few negative experiences (unavoidable - hey, we're all human beings). It so important to me to share experiences with others like yourself who can understand and appreciate the pain and anguish I'm going through. Hope you change your mind about leaving. We love ya, Katya. Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

Katya -- I am really sorry that you feel you must leave this forum. Infidelity is a terrible thing to endure, especially alone.<P>You have and still do contribute a great deal to this forum.<P>lostva had a really good point regarding cliques when she said <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Just some stories are more familiar than others.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>We tend to respond to those who have similar experiences. It is those individuals we feel can offer the most to us. If I have learned nothing else from my time on this forum, it is that you will find comfort, support and guidance from the most unlikely sources.<P>I have been just as guilty as the next person, of not responding to every post. Many times I simply don't feel that I have the expertise to offer useful advice. Sometimes, the pain expressed in a given post affects me too much and I feel it is better to leave things alone. I know that much of the information I offer is not headed and is at times simply ignored because it comes from me. That's OK. If I can help one person to get through a bad time in their life, of even just a bad day, then I am accomplishing a lot.<P>If you feel that you must leave Katya, then I wish you love and peace, you will be missed here.<P>God Bless

Katya--<P>please stay, please stay. You have reminded all of us how we need to reach out to each other. <P>I'm guilty too of not responding to every post...and I've also felt a little pouty if there have been few replies to mine.<P>I've never been put off by more than a usual dose of negativity on this board from someone...we're all here to share our feelings. If we're down, we're DOWN! I only hope my responses do help someone...at least sometimes.

Katya,<BR> Please stay on. We need everyones opinion and perspective AND most importantly, support. I end up putting negative posts out too...we all get frustrated and it helps to vent! We need each other (all of us) so please stay. I notice the cliques, too. I think that people that have navigated their problems for a long time together just naturally form cliques. I now notice that some of the newer people answer my posts, so maybe I am forming a clique of my own. It is still useful to read what EVERYONE writes.<P>dzrt

Katya,<P>Even negitive post can prompt a thought of lasting impact. Such advocacy is more a blessing than a curse. Don't be so down on yourself.<P>Eric32

Katya,<P>I don't know how long you've been on this board... but I too feel you should stay. If you feel you can't... just take a break... but <B>come back</B>!<P>I really feel you can't get much better support anywhere else than from here... for what is the root that brings you down... makes you more "negative".<P>Above all else, we love you <P>Jim

Katya,<P>If you look back in the history of this board, you'll find a similiar message from many of us, including me. <P>I agree with Nerlycrazy, who says that it's so important to acknowledge each and every post. Ever since this dialogue took place several weeks ago, I have made an effort to do just that. There is nothing more hurtful than pouring out your soul and feeling like nobody cares.<P>I care, and I will miss your input. Please reconsider leaving. Lurk for awhile if you must... I have been ...<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Dear Katya: I, too, can relate with what you have said about the cliques on this forum. The very first time I posted, I fell right into an executive committee meeting of MB Cliques Anonymous. I poured my heart onto the table only to have to pick up the pieces when I left. I came here for help and did receive some encouraging words; however, when the "executive committee" finished with me, I cried myself to sleep. I was even told that it would be better to change my username before I came back. No, I won't change my username--it's my real name, and I'm a real person with real feelings. I will continue to read the posts--I'm quite lonely at this time in my life and actually I have nothing better to do most nights close to midnight and H not home (must be out "dating around"). I won't be asking for advice though and more than likely, I won't be replying to any. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone with your thoughts about the cliques.<BR>victoria

Katya and others concerned about "cliques",<P>After I check the posts and read and/or respond to the ones I feel I can add something useful to,,I look down the row to find the posts that have had no responses. I always try to reply with something,,, something to let them know their post was read, and that someone cares. Many times these posts are from "newcomers". I don't want them to have finally taken the step of registering and pouring out their heart, only to be lost in the shuffle. Perhaps I have nothing of value to add to their situation but at least I encourage them to continue posting, to let them know they are not alone, and some advice on reading material to get the initial help they need. <BR>I'm not on the forum every day but on the days I'm here,,no one will go without at least one response,,,even if it's only mine.

Katya, I too try to do the same as nerlycrazy, unless I really don't know what to say in a specif situation.<BR>I find that most people do the same. <BR>It is expected that people post or answer posts that are close to their own situations, because it's where their experience is. I find some situations where I'm not sure of how I can help because they didn't happen to me.I also find that in some cases my own experience won't help because from what I read the person posting has different views and reactions from mine. <P>I've read many of your posts and your ideas have helped many people. I understand if you want to leave, but I think that if you could stay you could stil help more people.And that makes us feel much better and more positive about ourselves. It might even help with the negative feeling you're having .<BR>Do reconsider, every opinion is important and our experiences ( no matter if positive or negative ) can help other people in the same circumstances ( It might not show now, but I had my share of negative posts before things got better ).<P>Take care ( By the way, the other katya with the posts before you that where showing on your search was me, had to change username after having trouble logging in)<P>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.<p>[This message has been edited by Kat1 (edited October 31, 1999).]

I have only just discovered this site two weeks ago and your responses to others were some of the first I had read. But I think I understand how you feel. I have posted one of a million of my marriage troubles and nobody even said anything. Maybe I didn't do it right or put it in the right place but when I couldn't even find it the next day I felt that perhaps my problem was unimportant and maybe I'm just being a crybaby. But then my H did it again and I can't understand why he can be so thoughtless. It hurts my feelings so much. But back to you. I like you and the things you say negative or not, in fact I tend to be just that sometimes.Please don't leave and if you would like to know what I posted before just ask me I need some feed back on my hurt feelings. People need people.<BR> Sincerely, Shawna<P>------------------<BR><P>

Shawna, sometimes posts do slip by, specially if it's a "busy"day, and a lot of new posts are coming. I don't think there is ever any post unanswered because people think it is not important, but unfortunately there are many posts unanswered either because we don't notice them at first or because there were many other posts right after.<BR>This is not new however. I rememeber the first time I posted I kept looking for an answer and found none. Bad timing My post got buried under many others and went rapidly to the bottom of the page. People kept looking at new post and answering them and mine was just sliding back.The second was posted on a weekend ( when there wasnt that many people around ) and got about 2 answers. I just kept posting untill I got more answers, and I did.<P>If you want e-mail me at lwnd@hotmail.com, I usually answer the next day because I come home late, but I always answer.<P>Take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Hi Katya,<P>Thought I'd throw my posts on the pile too...<P>If you think this place has potential...if you think you an possibly help someone or if someone might be of help to you...please stay.<P>This is a really neat place. I've learned so much from people here. This kind of experience is one of life's wonders.<P>Sure, we all have to make choices on how we spend our time and where we direct our efforts. Lots of us here are very busy people doing all the things we've started in our lives.<P>I do feel badly during the times when I'm off the board due to obligations of work, family, etc., etc., etc. And, the board has grown so extensively and so quickly! It's hard to keep up even if one reads every day.<P>Suse and I have been here almost a year. Some folks have even been here much longer. We've seen lots of changes here. Interest ebbs and flows for us. We've learned that there's sort of a pattern which many people follow in their participation here. Sort of a natural progression of things.<P>But, this is a very special place. Both Suse and I have met some wonderful people and if not for this Forum our lives wouldn't be as rich.<P>Some people in the Forum might wonder why the two of us are still here. Suse found the Forum a couple of months after my Revelation Day. Things were still pretty raw then. And, it might surprise you to know I was very apprehensive about participating at first. Whoa, can you say embarrassed? Vulnerable? <P>In our first couple of months here, we had our dicey moments. We both learned some things about each other that caused a momentary cringe. And, we healed.<P>So, why are we still here? We did it, right?<BR>Isn't our marriage one of those which is already "fixed"? Aren't we one of those couples which survived an OM as well as an OW and is better than we could have dreamed?<P>Survived, yes. Fixed? Hardly. This is all about "process", not "product". We are still learning. And sometimes, in giving to someone else we get lots in return!<P>I'm sorry if we never exchanged posts. But, wait a minute.... we just did! <P>Stick around if you can, Katya. I'm sure you have lots to offer.<P>