Just found out that my wife had a one night stand with some dude. I have remained calm because I know It was of my doing, I got to focused with what I thought I need to do that I neglected her. We have 3 kids ages 1,3,and 5. She has told me that she just wanted to feel desired and that the things that happened in the past that have hurt her. I have never cheated on her physically with anyone, but while she was pregnet with our 3rd child she cauhgt me looking at porn on the computer. It made her feel like she was not good enough, and she was doing alot, I cant say why I was doing it. About a month ago I had a state of nirvana and God entered my life, and I started doing the things she told me she always wanted. It seemed to make her more confused and me as well. Then she told me.

So if anyone has some advice for me on were to start rebuilding, I would be grateful

Hi krh, so sorry you are here. First off, it is not your fault she had an affair. Your wife had an affair because she has poor boundaries around men.

Does she lead the kind of lifestyle where she would have the opportunity to meet men and have one night stands? If so, then her lifestyle is not conducive to marriage and that would need to change.

Do you know who the OM is? Is he married? Has she ended all contact with him?

Welome to MB, krh.

This is very important:

You see, I doubt it was a one-night-stand. Is it likely that she went from being faithfully married and looking after three little kids to having sex with a stranger?

It is much more likely that either it was someone she has become friends with and they crossed a line, or she is lying and it is a longer term affair.

In either case, I think she knows this man, and possibly you do, too. He is unlikely to be a stranger and there will be some continuing contact between them. Find out who is he and what their connection is, so that you can know when the state of no contact (NC) is achieved. If she is still in contact with him in any way then the affair is either ongoing or waiting to reignite.

ITA

I'm so sorry this has happened, krh.

Do you know the OM? What did she tell you happened? Was this some random guy she met in a bar, or what? The chance is good that there is more to the story than a one-night stand.

In either event: both of you must get tested for STDs immediately. Please do not have sexual relations of any kind with her until you know she is clean.

Don't ever blame yourself for your WW's decision to be unfaithful to you. If she was that unhappy she could have left instead of engaging in this terrible act. She has poor boundaries around men and took advantage of an opportunity to be unfaithful to you.

Remaining calm is a great idea. You are going to need to remain calm.

But you did not have the affair; she did. So this was not "of her doing."


Well, looking at porn was possibly very devastating to her, but it did not justify an affair.

A saying I've heard around here is that abuse does not justify abuse. If a woman is abusively disrespectful to her husband, it does not mean that the husband is okay in becoming abusively angry toward his wife. And if a husband abuses his wife by using porn, it does not make the situation better for her to have an affair, obviously! There are plenty of positive ways to address that situation TOGETHER rather than her going off and making the situation worse.

Are you ever going to look at porn again?


Have you read Dr. Harley's basic concepts and his guide to surviving infidelity?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html