It's been a long time since I've been on here. Basically, my wife has an affair in Oct 2010 and it was off and on till May when it crashed and burned. WW dealing with loss of OM, friends (due to exposure) and job caused her to become majorly depressed. She moved in with cousin for the month of June leaving kids and I at home.She said she was doing this to help herself get rid of the depression (she did start taking meds) and to work on her resume. Apparently, she enjoyed the lack of responsibilioties of being a mom while she was there. Kinda like a vacation. She would video chat with kids several times a week. Very little to none with me, and that's the way I wanted it. I went "dark". Well, she didn't like that because she wanted me to continue chasing her. I finally told her in July after receivng an email that she intends to stay another 3 weeks that the kids and I missed her and wanted her home. I told her I still wanted to work on the marriage. She asked if she was welcome back home and I said yes. She returned at the end of July. I had a great week with her. We were friendly towards one another and I was communicating great. I would show her affection and many of the needs she has been seeking. Then after 6 days she drops a bombshell on me. She had decided while she was living with her cousin that she wanted to move back to find permanent work. Without me or the kids. WTF? We went to see our MC and my wife told her she was still not into working on the marriage. She is living there now and is looking for work. She's been there for a month. She has admitted this is selfish, but feels if she stays at home she'll end up depressed and dead like her mother. I'm just burnt out. I'm tired of this limbo. I'm tired of the lack of respect. I'm tired of it all.

Hi stillwater, it sounds like you have done everything you could possibly do so the next step would be a pitch dark Plan B. In addition, I would strongly suggest you file for divorce so you have legal protection for you and your children.

Do you know about Plan B and how to do that?

Sorry she didn't come around.

Thats ok. What she likes and doesn't likes is not relevant. The goal is not to appease a terrorist but to protect you and your kids from her abuse. She is the falling down drunk and as such, is not qualified to tell you how to lead your life. What Plan B does is protect you and your children from her abuse. And since you are not in contact with her, you won't know how she reacts anyway.

Going into Plan B puts you back in control of your lives and that is what you need to do. As it is now, you are at the mercy of a very self destructive, fogged out alien who does not have your best interest or the best interest of your children in mind.

You shouldn't make yourself available to be abused anymore. That doesn't help you or your kids.


Not a good idea to negotiate with a terrorist. Your wife is a) fogged out and b) doesn't care about your children. I would do what it takes to file and get a temporary custody order in place. You really need to step up to the plate here and protect your children, stillwater. You cannot change your wife so the best thing you can do is protect yourself and your children from her.

Thanks MelodyLane. I'll tell her she is more than welcome to videochat witht the kids, but I won't be chatting anymore. She'll probably ask me...WHY?
Also, it's obvious she's feeling guilty about all this. How? She sent gifts to the kids while she was away, spent more time with them when she was home briefly (and also did not discipline :(), and asked her dad to help support her half of the finances for our mortgage and other bills. The last time we chatted on the computer she said she plans to visit in October for 5 days and said I can take a break away from the kids. I wasn't suspicious when she said that, but I would be shocked beyond belief if she took them. But I'll have filed and get a temporary custody order before she comes down anyways. Should I have the papers sitting on the kitchen table when she returns?

Nope.You won't tell her, the Plan B letter will. You will have zero contact with her and wont even get to hear ABOUT her response or surprise.

Plan B must be very dark all of a sudden - poof, you disappear.

Sounds like you could use the break

You need to study up on plan B.
Don't tell her you won't be video chatting with her.
You video chat until you enter plan B and then you are not there.

Study plan B.
Preparation (financial, children visitations/issues, an intermediary to communicate important info)
Beautiful love letter (this letter is sent/given as you enter into plan B)

Stillwater1, she feels that she can do this because you have allowed her to establish a precedent by her past behavior. Are you condoning what she is doing? I think not. But you ARE enabling her.

You want this limbo, as you call it, to end? File for a legal separation with primary physical and legal custody awarded to you and child support. Should prove to be an effective catalyst.

Americajin- Unfortunately I live in Texas.There is no legal separation. We have something like a 6 month waiting period from the time we file until the divorce is final. I will study up on Plan B. The thing is, I've taken so many hits over the last year and with her moving out and leaving me with the kids has really put me on the path for divorce. I thought Plan B was to get them back. Now, my only feelings for wanting her back is for the sake of the kids because they miss their mom so much. I know what this current separation is doing and what divorce will ultimately do. I can only be the best dad and love them to death. Hopefully, it will minimize the pain and grief.

Stillwater, I would suggest going into Plan B. That means you send her a Plan B letter as outlined in the book SAA. You wouldn't talk to her at all. Then she is free to call the kids and visit them. You would also set up an intermediary to pass on any pertinent information about finances or visitiation.


If the kitchen table is in your house, the answer would be NO since she can't come in your house when you are in Plan B. In Plan B you change the locks so she can't come in.

stillwater, are you listening to me? Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B. Plan B is a complete and total separation where she is not allowed to contact you. Here is an outline of Plan B: here

Plan B is for your sanity and to protect you from abuse!!!

First and foremost

Its not unfortunate at all. In Texas you simply file for divorce on grounds of adultery and abandonment. That is best for you all. And in the meantime, you can send her a Plan B letter telling her to not contact you again until she has a) ended all contact with her affair partner and b) is committed to a plan of marital recovery. Until then you will expect her to continue to pay her share of the bills.

stillwater, your wife is a player and a user who is just using you and your kids as an occasional flophouse. There is nothing here to save. Cut her off.

Here is the letter from SAA, but I would cut out most of the sentimental parts because I believe your wife is a dedicated user and abuser:

My Dear Sue,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with Greg possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Greg once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially. Our friends Jane and Paul have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. But I will not be here when you visit. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Jane and Paul.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Greg, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Greg and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing Greg.

With my love,
Jon

It appears Plan B is geared towards a wayward spouse. One who is currently IN the affair. My wife's affair died last May. I'm 100% sure of it. She might have motives of finding another person while she is moved out, but I'm not gonna make any assumptions. How does a Plan B letter look when there is no current affair?

In the Plan B letter you would remove the part about the affair. The letter is a sample letter so you would fashion it for your situation. However, I have no doubt she is having an affair with someone else so I would put in that she must any and all extramarital affairs. That will take care of that. But the focus of the Plan B letter is make it a condition that she commit to the recovery of the marriage.

And yes, she is wayward. Even though she might not be in an active affair [which I don't believe] she has a very wayward mind. She has abandoned her own children.

And be sure and find a good intermediary who will act as a spam filter. It will be your job to keep your wife out. So if she calls your phone, you wouldn't answer. If she shows up at the door, you don't answer and don't let her in. If she sends you an email, you just delete it.

If so, then file for the divorce. Need to strike while the iron is hot, while the conditions are favorable to you. Get an attorney, usually the initial consultation is free, and know what your rights are. Right now, she could show up while you are at work and take the kids back with her and there wouldn't be anything you could do about it. Not saying that she would, given the info you've provided, but you plan for what she COULD do, not what you think she MAY do.

You could have your attorney fill out a petition for divorce with terms like I said before, with generous visitation provisions, and perhaps she won't contest as she is busy discovering her true self.

americajin is right--now is the time to act.

A lot of BHs around here had WWs who demanded to take the kids, or the BH was foolish enough to move out, or something like that. She moved out in this case and that is a LOT in your court that is favorable to you.

File for divorce, pull the kids' passports (sad to say, that's happened to one or two BS's here).

You can always cancel the divorce if she decides to be the right kind of wife to you.

What the heck? Today I am finding myself looking for one final nail to put in the coffin. When my wife was here a few weeks ago I was tempted to check her email to see if she was in contact with OM or a new OM. I never did. And now that's she's gone I am thinking of using other means of hacking into her email. Why can't I see that all that she has done ( and not reciprocated) is enough? Hopefully, it's a temporary emotion that I'll get past. Just frustrating because I want to stop sitting on my hands and not doing anything. I have gone as far as contacting the local court and getting access to the paperwork to file. But I will definitely need a lawyer to help me file.

One other important thing to note is that in Texas, even though it is no fault, they do take adultery into account when it comes to custody and property division.

That's good to know Melody. My wife chatted with the kids last night and my son asked these questions which blew her away:
Son:" When can we see you?"
Wife: "I am coming to visit in October!"
Son: "Why are you living there?"
W: "I am looking for a job"
S: "Why aren't you looking for a job here?"
W:"........ because I couldn't find a job back home (BS!)"

My son is 5 yrs old and totally caught her off guard. I told her I never talked to my son about the job issue. If she really thought her leaving was not going to effect the kids (especially my 5yr old), this is a perfect example which says otherwise.

ugh, that is so sad. Have you told them she left for an affair? I hope you have because her false explanations are going to confuse them terribly and probably lead them to believe it is their fault. If you don't tell them the truth, she will tell them lies. [as she is doing now] Giving them false explanations for her absence teaches them dishonesty.

It would be helpful if they were talking to her about her poor choices because that might wake her up.