Hello

First time posting here. Have been putting it off as i've seen some of what i first thought was harsh judgement for some of the betrayers that post here. I have realised that is probably what i need.

Quick 'my story';

Married for 10+ years. We married young and were both committed christians and virgins. Together 3 years before marrying. First 5 years, pretty amazing, very in love. Slowly but surely grew apart. BS has demanding law enforcement job, I have filled my life with earning degrees and running. I have long standing problems with alcohol that have never been resolved (although will now be). Always though i could do moderation - clear now that i can't. Add an eating disorder to that and i've been a source of stress/burden to my husband for the past 6-7 years.
Having our beautiful daughter was the worst and best thing we ever did. It was the icing on the cake in terms of my stress levels and our emotional seperation.
Last 9 months - I worked full time while finishing my masters degree and being a mum, and attempting to be a wife.
FAIL
OM was a male colleuge who became more than friends after an alcohol fueled evening. Relationship grew out of secrecy and the excitement of what we were doing. Both said we wanted to stop and were aware (partially) of the hurt we were causing our respective partners. Both of us were addicted. Attempts to stop failed every time. Both of us 'felt' like we were in love.
BS had suspicisions. Confronted me approx 2.5 weeks before D-day. I denied, in front of church leaders.
D-Day - BS found us stumbling out of a bar together.
Since then... NC for 3.5 weeks. BS - depressed but committed to rebuilding. Me - depressed, suicidal, self harm, committed to rebuilding but trying to cope with strong feelings for OM.
OM no longer works with me, emails, phones etc have been blocked.

Do any WW or WH have tips for how to cope with this initial period of feeling extreme withdrawl from the OP they were addicted to? I have had a couple of 'better' days were the thoughts of him were reduced to once every hour or so. Other days the intrusive thoughts are every waking moment.

Any suggestions/harsh criticism welcome

Thanks.

Welcome to MB, BV.

Here is Dr Harley's advice for getting through withdrawal. As you can see it takes time, and if depression is an issue, he suggests an anti-depressant:

How to Get Through Withdrawal

In R.J.'s case, his feelings for his wife are as bad as they have ever been. In the case of M.S.'s husband, he is suffering so much that he can no longer make love to his wife, something that had always come very easily to him in the past. What is happening to these men?

They are experiencing symptoms of withdrawal from the addiction they have to their lovers.

As soon as a victimized spouse decides to stay married and struggle through reconciliation, he or she usually sets out to meet whatever needs the lover had been meeting. If it was sex, the spouse offers more and better sex. If it was affection, it's more affection. Both M.S. and R.J.'s wife were willing to do whatever it took to regain their wayward spouses' love.

But it didn't work for either of them. That's because both of their husbands were in withdrawal. They were both addicted to their lovers and separation from them caused them to suffer from depression. That, in turn, made it almost impossible for their spouses to meet their emotional needs. So all of that love and care that was being extended to them was being wasted. Until they would recover from withdrawal, the efforts of their wives to please them will be very disappointing.

Withdrawal is the emotional reaction to the loss of something that gives great pleasure. It's similar to the feelings an alcoholic has when he makes a commitment never to drink again. It's also similar to the grief that comes from the loss of a loved one. A lover is like alcohol and like a loved one. Not only do unfaithful spouses miss what it was their lovers did, meeting important emotional needs, but they also miss the person they had come to love.

Our most common emotions are anger, anxiety and depression. Symptoms of withdrawal usually include all of these in a very intense form. I usually suggest that anti-depressant medication be used to help alleviate these symptoms. While the most intense symptoms of withdrawal usually last only about three weeks, in some cases they can linger for six months or longer before they start to fade.

Coping with infidelity: The End

Hi BV, welcome to Marriage Builders. I would first suggest that you get the book Surviving an Affair and read it so you can understand how your affair evolved. This book has a plan in it to restore your marriage. And most marriages do not ever recover from affairs. They might stay together, but limp along in a crippled state of the pre-affair marriage. You don't have to be like that if you use this program. This program can restore the romantic love in your marriage.

So that is where I would start. Focus all your attention on recovering your marriage and giving first aide to your victim and this will help in taking the focus off your addiction. Spend as much time as possible with your husband every day meeting these 4 top needs of affection, conversation, rec companionship and sex fulfillment.

And lastly, I would get rid of all momentos and delete your facebook account if you are on facebook. Looking at the OM's fb page or pictures, etc, will keep you triggered. Don't talk about the OM either. Try and focus on positive things and eventually you will stop thinking about it.

Lastly, the only people who recieve harsh criticism around here are those who are fogged out or insincere. Bullsh** has a short shelf life here. More often than not it is a betrayed spouse, not a betrayer. If you post and listen with an open mind, that likely won't be a problem.

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

BV,

You wrote.

BS has demanding law enforcement job

I have filled my life with earning degrees and running.

I have long standing problems with alcohol that have never been resolved

Add an eating disorder to that and

Both of us were addicted.

Whatever you do, do not use these reasons/excuses/explanations to shift blame to your husband. If you already did that before you found MB offer your sincere apology to your H for having done so.

God Bless
Gamma

Are you an alcoholic?

Thanks ML
A binge alcoholic. Drink to very dangerous levels in one sitting, not touch for a week or more. Repeat.
And thanks... seems logical to not talk about him but i haven't put that one in place yet.

Thanks also to Sugar Cane & Gamma for your comments.

I'm not trying to make excuses, just explain the situation. I would never blame my husband. It was my decision. Unfortunatley neither of our needs were being met... i was the weak one, while my husband stayed strong and true to our wedding vows

I have no issues blaming myself for this. The hatred i feel for myself is overwhelming.

I know Dr. Harvey talks about 3 weeks being the average withdrawl time with some taking up to 6 months. I just hope i'm not one of those.

Some things out of my control that may trigger me = work documents with his name on them. Work mates referring to him.

We are not in a position for me to quit my job over this. Especially since he's no longer there anyway. But sometimes its the little things that drive me crazy.

People mentioning OM and the documents are breaks in NC. Each break is prolonging your detoxing from the OM.

Is this loser married?

Fwiw, any man who has an affair with a woman he KNOWS is married, does not respect her. He is grossly disrespecting and using her.

Do as the other posters said and end all contact with the OM including fb and any online or presents and get rid of all of it. It sets your ending clock back to zero each time you do that.

Please HELP YOUR VICTIM who is your husband right now. He needs the help most of all.

Have you been tested for STDs? has your husband? He needs to be tested because your affair could lead to him contracting a disease. It's impossible to believe that the OM is safe, because he is a liar btw. So go get tested if you haven't.

And the OM Wife NEEDS to know if she doesn't. She also has been violated and lied to and stabbed in her back. She has also been subjected to any possible STD's and needs to get tested for her health also.

Hmmm interesting thought that every mention of him is back to day 1. I guess we could take that to the extreme and say that every thought of him is going back to day 1 too...

OM was in a long term relationship. 6 years. They had just brought a house together. They have broken up over this (and other problems).

Yes, I have been tested, came up clear thank goodness. And 3 x pregnancy tests were negative too.

It is virtually impossible to contact OM now. The only way would be to call his work and ask for him. I never memorised his numbers. He is blocked from f/bk and all emails, and my phone.

Thanks everyone. One day at a time i guess.

Hello BV,

I'm glad you're here. It's a wonderful place to grow.

I wasn't planning on posting, but as a 2xFWW I feel there are a few things you seem to be missing. If I may, let me through some ideas at you...

One of the best ways to get over OM is to realize the kind of person he is. He's a liar, a cheat and a thief (who stole time, affection, your body...all of which belonged to your husband). If he were kind he would have encouraged you to love you husband and work on your marriage. If he valued you at all he would not have used you. Don't allow yourself for a moment to believe the lies he told you so he could get what get wanted from you...and don't romanticize your A and pretend that there was something good about it.

You will never be able to save your marriage until you get real with yourself about the devastation you've caused. I understand that you hurt...you did this to yourself. It's a hard pill to swallow, but you were not the only one hurt by your actions. If you want your marriage to survive you're going to have to stop putting you first and start showing your BH that he is your top priority.

If you have a husband who loves you enough to want to work with you after all you've done to him, please stop feeling sorry for yourself and show your husband your worth it.

The principles you can learn from MB are really outstanding and put into practice have the ability to change your life for the better...IF you are willing to work your butt off.

I've been down the hideous road you're on and I can tell you it's going to be he//, but the rewards are better than you can imagine right now. I hope you will stay the course and work harder than you have ever worked on anything before.