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The reason that you had these affairs is because you have shockingly poor boundaries around other men. And for someone who says: "Even still, that doesn't give excuse to me or what I have done." you sure do make alot of excuses. If you aren't making excuses then why are we even mentioning your husband at all?

Until you face up to your real cause of your problem: your poor boundaries around men, your H is not safe around you. But the fact that you go on and on about HIS faults tells me you take accountability for nothing. You need to man up, madam, if you want to have any hope of recovery.

STOP with the excuses, rationalizations and minimizations. That is the first step.


Would it be too much to focus on your bleeding husband right now? Would that be too much trouble? You have assaulted the man with a trauma that is worse than rape, physical assault or the death of a child and you are crying about you own needs? Are you kidding me?

I bet you weren't meeting his needs too well when you were acting like an alley cat in heat, were you?

o

I understand. You have had WORSE. You have had emotional affairs, which are just as bad. The fact that these guys live out of state means nothing. Nothing. Most states have planes and cars and boats. I live in Texas but I could be in New York tonight.

The fact that you attempt to minimize your affairs because they were "not physical" is alarming and tells me you don't really get it. Minimizing your affairs should alarm your husband too.


Of course you can stop hurting your husband. You stop doing the hurtful things. But FIRST you must stop blameshifting, minimizing and making excuses and stop selfishly focusing on yourself.

Step ONE: man up and take accountability

KR,

Mel is a straight shooter and knows exactly what she is talking about. Don't runoff because someone is being stern with you face the facts what you have done and act!

The only hope your marriage has is if you change your boundaries around men.

I had a wife that had notorious boundaries around men. My divorce will be final soon because she chose NOT to act and change her behaviors....This will be your life too if you don't start acting today!!!

How will you explain to your kids in the future about your past and present behaviors??? Everybody makes mistakes and CAN change. Show your kids that you made mistakes but owned them and then did what was in the best interest of your family and recovered your marriage and made it affair proof.

I only wish you the best.

o

No, having emotional affairs with men is NOT indicative of good boundaries. You have poor boundaries around men.

The first step is honesty and admission, otherwise your H is not safe with you and should pursue divorce. So, lets start with a little honesty and self examination.

o

No, having emotional affairs with men is NOT indicative of good boundaries. You have poor boundaries around men.

What I am saying is that I will not physically see these men.

The first step is honesty and admission, otherwise your H is not safe with you and should pursue divorce. So, lets start with a little honesty and self examination. [/quote]

I have not disagreed with you that I have poor boundaries around men. What I am asking is -- how to undo this issue. What has caused this? How/why did I get to this place.

Let me let you in on a secret that I did not know before I became a betrayed spouse. It doesnt matter whether it was physical or emotional. They both hurt the same. They are simply different types of knives to stab your spouse in the back with. I still dont know whether my wh's affair ever became physical and I honestly dont care. The emotional affair was betrayal beyond anything I had ever experienced.

Your husband is bleeding on the floor from your betrayal. This is no time to moan about how YOU want to be happy.

He needs your humility and your complete repentance. This is about what YOU did.


Try these sentences on for size - 'There is no excuse and I make no excuses' ' I did it because I behaved in a very inappropriate way around men' ' I was selfish'.

Without any follow up BUTS

Start with a "no-contact" letter to each of these men that states you are ashamed of your behavior, and that you are ending contact with them for life. That you are putting 100% into repairing the damage you have caused your husband. There should be absolutely no apologies to them, or wishing them well.
Hand the letters to your husband -- for him to understand your commitment to ending those affairs. The letters are for your husband to approve of, and mail.

Now, this is indicative of good boundaries.


This is NOT a good boundary. The facebook account should be deleted entirely or a joint account set up with your husband. Your account can be set back to not private in 2 seconds flat.


You implement and observe good boundaries, that is how. You end all opposite sex friendships, and set up your computer in a way that you CAN'T conduct affairs anymore.

And I disagree that it is "highly unlikely" you would do this locally. It is very likely if you observe the same habits.

You were having EAs with them and sending them pics. That is a non existant boundary.

Again, you seem to think there is some relevance to this statement. You do understand that an emotional affair is just as bad as a physical affair, right? The fact that you don't seem to get this should alarm your husband. You are MINIMIZING your affairs by saying this.


What has caused this? Your poor boundaries around men. You got there by practicing poor boundaries.


Stop doing it.

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I have not disagreed with you that I have poor boundaries around men. What I am asking is -- how to undo this issue. What has caused this? How/why did I get to this place.
[/quote]

Well, your exes have existing 'love banks'with you so continued contact with them was a terrible idea. Even if they are losers, (which they undoubtedly are) they once 'admired' you and its too easy to tap into that when you want a quick feelgood fix.

There is also appropriate and inappropriate language with any member of the opposite sex. you should never flirt with members of the opposite sex, or have close, touchy-feely conversations where you talk about relationships or anything intimate. Never anything sexual or romantic, even jokingly.

Also, look up the policy of radical honesty on this site. It is impossible to have affairs if you tell your h everything and keep nothing from him. Did you consider fessing up when this started to spiral out of control? If you had, your job of regaining trust would have been much easier.

Did he even know you kept in contact with exes? Did he know the content of your early discussions? I think not.

If you agree to be totally transparent - i.e. put spyware on your phone so your h can see everything you do on your phone - you will always behave in a way that is appropriate on it. He will also feel reassured.

The NC letter and cancelling Facebook are matters of urgency though, that you should get onto ASAP.

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You need to make sure your Husband is the only one that gets close enough to you to meet your needs. It is easy for any man to meet your needs. You have to want to make sure only your husband is that man.

You must consciously make an effort to put up walls around all men. Your husband is the only one with the key to get in.

You have to make sure he knows what your walls are exactly

Wall #1) NC letter to all OM
Wall #2) Full transparency of Life
Wall #3) Establish a marital recovery plan
Wall #4) Anything that makes your husband feel safe
Wall #5) You own admitted weaknesses need to be told to your Husband
Wall #6) For Life this must remain intact

Send All No Contact through electronic devices and then delete facebook and/or a husband/wife account.

Change all email accounts and phone numbers immediately.

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