KimRachelle

Assist your husband in tracking down their home addresses, it is highly likely these ex's are married or in relationships of their own, go to the "Operation Investigate" section and use the tracking sites mentioned therein to find their home addresses.

You then hand write a no contact letter to post to them,send it such that they have to sign for it. I they are married or in a relationship then your husband should advice their spouse/partner of there infidelity .

Your very action of helping your husband track these ex's down and sending the letter will give him confidence that your remorse is sincere.

A sample no contact letter can be provided should you wish .

Its toughlove, it is NOT easy for any man to meet my emotinal needs. These are not some random guy I met in a bar, so slow your roll.......

How do I make sure my husband gets close enough when he does not make the effort and admits as much. He says all the time, I need to be more affectionate, I need to make more time for you. That's HIM saying it not me. I CRAVE HIS attention. The other men are poor subsitutes. I know that and yet I risked it foolishly.

Buy the book "his needs , her needs" by Dr Harley, its a good start.

Actually Kim, it is easy for any man to meet any womans needs without boundaries, me, you anyone!

You say your boundaries in RL are higher than they were with exes, so you have proved the theory right..

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It to early to say furthermore you seem in a hurry to have the answers for the next step before your husband has a chance to digest what has hit him.

You said your husband found out on Friday , How? DID you tell him or did you get caught?

You give it a couple of days and agree with your husband when the right time is, this is not weeks from now this is soonish.


Right now you write down a list of steps that should be completed. The hand written NC letter, exposing the ex's to their spouses.

Read, read and read again, on this site there is a list of emotional questionnaires that can be downloaded and completed by both of you.

It is far to soon for you to rush, talk to your husband, listen to him , he may be hurting. Be there for him however there will come a time when he needs to step up to the mark and start taking steps to work on the marriage.

Sincere remorse from a wayward spouse is priceless. Before you have been cheated on, you think it is something unforgiveable, a total deal breaker.

Then it happens to you and all you want is their sincere remorse and positive, definite actions towards undoing what they have done.

From what I have seen of other waywards on here as well, healing their betrayed spouse actually heals them.

Ending the A's and no contact for life is job one. Making amends to your h is job two. You will both learn much about how far you are willing to go for each other in this process.

I mean, if he is willing to even consider offering you the chance at earning forgiveness, that is HUGE - isnt it? Huge admiration and affection gesture, imho

Will your h post on here do you think? Support from other BSs is invaluable in the healing process. Tell him he is being thought of, anyway.

There are many FWW's here who can help you with advice on how to mend things.

He will be hurting for a looooooong while and it is going to take a lot to get him to mend.

Yes, there are issues with your marriage that need fixing. Your poor boundaries are one thing, but I'm guessing that you communications with your H are bad as well. He likely had no clue that you were as unhappy as you are and sought missing affection elsewhere.

The biggest way to prevent this in the future is to accept that we are all susceptible to infidelity. Every single one of us is. What prevents that is boundaries.

That means that friends of the opposite sex are limited to friends who are friends of the couple or who are part of another couple.

I have high school female friends I'm still friends with, but we hang out together as couples and couples only.

Ex girlfriends are a no no, however. Where there was once a flame embers remain. So exes are best kept safely locked away.

So it takes extra ordinary precautions on both your parts. There is no such thing as innocent flirting, for example. It doesn't exist. Flirting with someone who isn't your spouse is playing with fire.

Affairs also don't start with, "Hi. You're hot. Let's go to a hotel room in our lunch hour and start making a habit of it."

They start the way yours started. It's "innocent" at first. It's "just talking". It then snowballs and escalates from there.

"Just talking" moves to "just coffee" to "just lunch" to "we're working on a project together" to "Oh my God, my clothes are off in this hotel with this man and I'm horny as he77."

It then becomes an addiction. The OM gets idealized and the BH becomes chopped liver. He's likely not his old self when you first married him. All his flaws are highlighted and amplified and you suddenly find yourself ticked off and feeling neglected because he never puts his shoes in the closet like you want him to and that shows how little he cares for you and takes you for granted.

You stop seeing the man who is the father of your children and who still loves you despite not being the best at showing it.

You stopped early in this process.

The damage you've done to your husband is HUGE. He doesn't see you in the same way as before. Is innocent view of you is now shattered and he can't trust you.

But we're here to help you rebuild that.

You'll get some tough love here, but understand that we have only one intent. We want to see you save your marriage and rebuild a great one.

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I feel a sense of entitlement from you. I hear so many excuses to what is happening in your life. The past is just that. All you can do is take action today.

You know what you need to do. If you want your husband to be the one and only to meet your needs then I HIGHLY recommend he comes here for help.

We can outline a game plan for him that will allow both of you to begin to meet each other's needs.

The only way to stop the bleeding of your husband is to get a No Contact letter sent to the scumbag low life OMen in your life. Once that happens, then and only then can we tend to your husband.

Women often feel they're communicating when they're not.

Men can be dense creatures where we see what we wish to see.

A woman thinks she's screaming how she feels when she makes subtle hints about her emotions to the man and the man may be thinking, "she's not complaining, so all must be well."

A guy literally needs to be sat down, looked in the eye and told, "I'm not happy. I'm so unhappy that I'm tempted to seek attention from other men. If things don't change I see our marriage failing and the possibility of an affair."

It takes that level of bluntness.

You owe it to your kids to try for their sake, if you have any.

I would first render first aide to your husband and part of that is to be change the way you talk about this. You need to be talking to BS's so you can understand how entitled you come across. I am not tellnig you that to be mean, but so you will recognize it and quit doing it.

You sound very much like you want to just sweep this under the carpet and move on. That is not going to happen. And doing this to your H will make this problem WORSE, not better.

My suggestion would to:

1. stop all the minimizing, rationalizing and excuse making

2. stop focusing on your own needs for now and take care of your husband

3. show a little REMORSE and some awareness of what you have done

A little humility goes a long way. After all, you are not entitled to be forgiven much less have your needs met, so stop trying to sweep this under the rug and help your husband. Show him a little empathy.

As far as telling your kids, your H should tell them about it.

And don't get His Needs, HEr Needs, but get Surviving an Affair. THAT is the book you need.

Has he had an affair?

KR,

Reading your posts I seen where you talk about not having any kind of male friends where you live and that you are a "guarded person".

Just wanted you to know that my ww was exactly like that!!! The person she had an affair with was a biker who she met in our local bar who wanted to see the sights. Guess who took him??? Instant connection she said. The om read the vibe, called her the following week and away it went from there. He lived 5 states away!!!

She then had an EA with a guy she met in Arkansas on a weekend visiting her uncle. This was during the same time she was having the affair with om1.

So you see if you have a boundary issue it can come to light at any given time if the person you are around sparks your interest.

Did we lose you?

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Hi KR, I just wanted to say that no one is going to put you in a pigeonhole. There are many FWWs on here that have done a sterling job in recovering their marriage and themselves. Why not you too?

Everyone gets 2x4'd on here to begin with. I did because I didnt take to the 'boot camp' advice so well at first.

There is hard work to be done, but I will let the vets chime in on where to start, seeing as there are A's on both sides (which is beyond my level).

Just to check though, is your h totally transparent with you now and are you certain his affairs are over?

KR, no one is calling you a loser *you know what*. What you're hearing is direct, no-nonsense posting that is designed to swat the last of that fog out of your head. You are consistently and adamantly trying to reinforce the fallacy that your EA isn't 'that bad' by repeating that you never had a PA with these men. You consistently maintain that there's no possibility of seeing them in person when it has been pointed out continually that it's a matter of hopping on a plane, or a bus - when that comes up, you say you don't have the money for that. You ignore the point that the OM can pay to come to YOU, or send you the money to go to HIM. That's not lost on us. We know there are options other than joining up with the Donner Party. And you do, too.

You want to know how to recover from your infidelity? Start today. Sit down with your BH and write a NC letter to be read and approved by him, and mailed by him.

Get cracking on google and track down their wives or girlfriends. Do your civic and social duty by alerting these poor women that their men are hound-dog cheaters.

Shut down FB. If you absolutely HAVE to read your friends' posts to find out what they had for lunch today, open an account with your husband.

Draw up a list of precautions that you intend to take to protect your BH and your marriage. Don't just block the OM(s) from your cell phone, change your number. You need to account for your time and your money. You need to account for your computer use. Your H may want to consider locking the computer and not giving you the password - he can unlock it when you want to use it, and then monitor your use.

GET 'SURVIVING AN AFFAIR'. DO THIS TODAY. Go to the bookstore on this site (they ship fast - I had mine within 48 hours.) Amazon.com has it. GET IT.

I'm doing your homework for you. Tell me - what other EPs (extraordinary precautions) can you think of that will help your husband feel safe?

It gets a little hot in the wayward kitchen, KR. But the heat is worth it! Can you do it? Can you hang in here with us and let us help you? A truly remorseful wayward wouldn't let wild horses drag her away from getting back her marriage and her life.

Are you up to it?