Hey-
I'm glad you had a great break from all of your personal drama. For me it was awesome, I wish I was still away at my brothers in California. The break from the daily grind is very refreshing.

As far as you XWW I don't get it, all I can think of is selfishness. And your probably right about the adrenaline rush of being caught. I honestly don't understand any of this waywardness. I can't wrap my mind around it. I'm at the point, I think where you are, to let that part go and move forward with my kids. Ya know trying to stop dwelling on them and the things they do or say.

It's got to be especially difficult for you, as she is still residing in the home with you. I feel lucky I don't have to see my SXWH unless its the 1,3,5th weekend of the month- he is fine with this schedule and so am I!

Here's to moving forward. I'm so thankful you post here, bc it truly gives me hope that there are decent men left out there! Have a great day.
HF

Ok, so I've been lurking. But, it's time for an update, and I need a little MB encouragement....

Update: nothing! WXW still lives in the house, still "in love" with her boyfriend, still doing whatever the h311 she pleases, still blaming me for everything. I could go on, but I think you get the point.

Now, for the part I need encouragement with. A little backstory first though. Ever since late Jan early Feb, DS and I have had Firday Night Movie Night. Of course, we've gone to the theater all summer since enough movies come out. And yes, it's expensive.

Last week, as we're in the car leaving the theater, WXW calls. I put it on speaker (handsfree laws), and the only words out of her mouth are "Where are you?! Where is DS?!?!". You can guess the tone. She then hangs up after I say "We just left the movies". When we get home, DS has been sleeping of course. I take his shoes off, pick him up out of the car, and take him inside. As we get to the top of the stairs, WXW is there and she stretches out her hand. DS of course takes her hand, at which point she begins forcefully pulling him. Mind you, he's still in my arms. As we get to his bed, she then outstreaches her other arm in the "GIVE ME MY BABY!" manner.

Now, at this point I'm clearly perturbed. But, I find it wiser to let it happen instead of engaging in a game of tug-o-war over a 6 year old child. She's huffing and puffing as she changes him into his pajamas (side note: I had him changing his own clothes a year ago. he refuses to now. regression, ya think?), and eventually he's in the bed. He of course stonewalls me on my kiss, I assume so he doesn't upset his mother any further. After about 10 seconds, he looks at me and kind of grins. I grin back, and I think we had a non-verbal conversation where we both understood. We then gave each other a kiss, and exchanged I Love You's.

So, as I'm not more than 1/2 a step out of his room, WXW slams, I repeat, SLAMS his bedroom door behind me. I turn around and reenter the room, as I just can't take this anymore. I begin to say to her "I'm sorry you can't accept what you want and have chosen", but after about 3 words she just starts yelling "I'm not talking to you! I'm not talking to you! Give me 2 minutes with my son!!". All I could do, was stand there in bewilderment, and then leave. She of course speeds away from the house about 10 minutes later.

Now for the needed encouragement part. Over the past week, DS has become quite fond of reassigning roles. Basically, I'm losing all of mine. He doesn't want me around, unless we're going to the movies, or roller skating, or golfing... other than that, I'm dogmeat. Even when I'm the one making the meals, getting school supplies, keeping the rules, building legos, NOT sleeping on the couch on my only shared day off with him. So, someone help me see this for what it is.

I understand you'll only have one, biased side of the story. But am I really facing PAS or something to that effect? And if so, do I break my integrity and start demonstrating the same behavior? I do not feel my child is a pawn. I do not feel that I must resort to "one upping". As a matter of fact, I encourage him to spend time with his mother. And am always eagerly enthusiastic about the things he wants to share with me about her, or the both of them. And DS knows that. We've discussed it.

Hope everyone is well out there...

Sorry to hear this Itsa, I would have to say that being the strong calm silent Dad will be more of a blessing to DS and he will eventually come out of this. He probably doesn't know what to think or do, but at some point he will see you ahve been steady and Mom is acting like a child.

WW sounds like other wacky women who want drama and blame it on others. She does sound like she is doing her best to raw you into it also. This is a tough spot, because although you want to make it clear to DS that mom is manipulative, so he will know the truth, the resulting selfish actions of WW will probably just tear DS apart even more. So it will mean that someone will have to be the victim in order for your son to have peace.

I know this goes against our desire as Men to see the truth brought out and acted upon, btu you can sit him down and CALMLY explain as much as you can when WW is not around, in an appropiate way, when you have had time to think. Reacting when she pushs your buttons is not the way you should handle it. You should be a steel wall that things bounce off of, when she does this while DS is around.

As far as reversing roles, it is probably because Mom is the insistant one that she get all the glory, and is acting like a child herself unless DS gives it to her. Been there.

You sound like you are being the adult, and have your insight and faculities intact, keep you cool and be confidant and bring peace to your son. He needs to see that you are winning the battle of maturity, even if your WW seems to be winning the spoiled brat contest.

The encouagement is that you are winning, and your Son will win also, by your example.

God Bless

Sorry for being a bit of a hit-and-run poster here, itsa, but there is a saying I have used to help guide me through rough times like this and I'd like to pass it on to you for whatever it's worth:

Somewhere in the little bit of wisdom may be the answer you seek.

Good luck in whatever you choose.

Thanks CP and Fred.


This is exactly how I'm seeing it. DS will see through it as he ages. I think to a small extent, he already does. But, he is a selfish little creature afterall; as is the nature of all children. He's going to use the situation if he can. I maintain my composure and standards with him, and never try to cause him to think the situation is any fault of his. I speak OFTEN to his innocence in all of this.

Fred, that quote reminds me of the "God grant me wisdom, serenity" quote. I like it. Thank you.

While it doesn't excuse WXW's actions, I came to the realization that my self-doubting was triggered mostly by learning that the prop division will take much longer than I imagined. Thereby extending my vision of when I could get some "seperation" from WXW.

I have regrouped, and I'm back on "level" ground. But, something is brewing, which I will not share on here. You guys know how it goes. Let's just say, it was inevitable...

hey itsa!

I hope all is going well with you. I was reading your post about your son. I too have a 6 year old (almost 7). So I get some of the age stuff. One thing that I am trying really hard is to let them (all my kids) realize their dad for who he is... I'm not pointing at the scab saying look look...bc they are hurting so bad about the situation in general- I don't want to point out any more...at the same time I'm not covering for his crap either... he's late to a visit and they are saying when is he coming and looking for him, I say idk you want to call him... I place the ball back in his court...

What have I noticed since I've been doing this...my kids are more relaxed about sharing with me... (that could also be bc its 5 months out from their dad walking)... they are pointing out his mess and telling me about it and how they feel about it... I think it is taking them out of the middle- somewhat... also they are learning his stuff is his- not caused by them... but him

Remember as crappy as your x is, she is still the mother to you son...your son loves her with all his heart, just like he does you...it's a hard place to be in- as a child

Yes it is
And teaching them to love the unlovely, at that age , is a challenge indeed

God bless

Hey HF and CP! Thanks for stopping in!

HF, I have to agree 100%. This is a very hard place for DS to be in, and the situation still hasn't gone through the "big change" of her moving out. I will say this. I have seen my labor pay off in ways. DS is becoming more comfortable with sharing his thoughts. While he still doesn't flat out say what he's thinking all the time, he has made some remarks. And I'll take anything over nothing. He has tried over the past week or so to get us to "talk", which was bound to happen. I have politely told him that his mother and I will continue to care for him, but that we will not be together. Don't remember my exact words, but he responded as though he kind of got it. Poor dude. Breaks my heart.

Truth be told, I'm getting close to letting my barriers down. But, I'm still holding my line of letting her initiate communication. Most people don't understand my reasoning. In summary, I have initiated EVERY serious conversation we've had in 8 years. And I am not exaggerating. But, even to me, this sounds somewhat like validation. Moving on...

I am proud of myself for not letting my emotion "shine", and compell him to feel diferently about his mother. I have always, and will always, encourage him to Love his mother. And to never feel as though he has to portray otherwise. I have explained that, both because it's what I believe, and to try and combat the way WXW depicts me. DS straight up said to WXW, with both of us in the room, "because you don't like Daddy, right?". WXW's only response was, "what would make you say that?". I remained still, showing no response; but boy was I chuckling on the inside. I'm not sure if she truly doesn't see it, or was just avoiding it since I was in the room. I was so proud of DS though. He felt it, thought it, said it, and showed no remorse for it. The fruit of labor is sweet.

As for me, I've started to dip my toes back into that place we call the world. I asked a woman out, and even though the plans fell through, I'm glad I did. That saddle was way up there..pheww.

I just keep chuggin on down the yellow brick road... Hope everyone is well!