I guess I should ask should I move it I mean I get the feeling that I'm not very much Liked here this seems more of a place for people who want to save their marriage I've gotten a lot of hostility since I started posting here and my God this is the first day I don't think people like That I want to divorce my wife and Not try

Of course you can leave your thread here. You will get plenty of support here!

Do not move your thread, please.

By you coming here, its says volumes to us.

As the unofficial comforter of fellow BHs, I like to play that role no matter the story they tell.

I recently wrote and got smashed for it that the deception my wife did to me was unparalleled in any of these forums however yours may certainly supercede mine. This is no contest and hurt is hurt is hurt. Maybe you can find something to cling onto to salvage this.

You are experinencing some severe shock and trauma and are making decisions, no matter how valid, while in this state.

Take a deep breath and let the people here see if they can help you through this.

Divorce is an option that will always be there, this month, next or in a year. I think your children (ALL OF THEM) deserve not to be devestated and crushed by the actions of your wife.

Can I suggest you find my thread called Deception in the SAA forum? No, I dont have the OC (other child) from her A, but it was a family friend my wife was with and it was long term deal so you may find the same emotions and travails I faced.

Stay the course for now, please.

mike

Mike can be a huge help to you, OM. Do a lot of reading around here and on the Divorced/Divorcing board. You CAN get a lot of support and help for your situation. This is not the marriage at all costs board and we consider many MB success stories to be people that were able to heal without saving their marriage.

Oldm you are getting some great advice and thinking material.

I do feel the comment on divorce is very relevant, as it was only 3 weeks after the bomb shell hit you that you made this decision. Such a decision made so quickly... especially while the pain of betrayal is so fresh... may not end up the right one for you. Of course it may be the only one but as pointed out... you can proceed anytime with that.... maybe right now it may be good to consider that ... a bit like a cooling off period to make sure you are totally convinced its the right one for you.

Your WW never considered getting caught. She wanted the moon, the sun, the stars, the entire box and dice. She wanted you, she wanted BF and it was just bloody selfish and uncaring. She has just begun to find out the cost. Right now even with all her pleas she does not really understand even a small part of your pain... with good counselling maybe from the Harleys here she will be able to start.

The care you have for your wife, even now, even after all she has done comes through your pain. It is somewthing that never fails to amaze me.

oldm, I would ask you to consider counselling with the Harleys for you and your WW to make sure your decision to divorce is right for you. It may be that it will reinforce your decision... because it is certainly justified.... you don't need to promise anything... maybe even ring yourself to see what perhaps could be an option.

no matter how 'gently' you handle the D issue your kids are going to hurt and NONE... understand NONE... of it is your fault.... but unfairly you will end up having to deal with it. That is just a fact.

No one Oldm I think will say divorce is not a real option for you. It may even be the best. We would love to see a M recover... but not all can or even should.

The one thing you have in this is its YOUR decision, you are in control of this one. You will get support here no matter which way it goes.

please do look after yourself as well.

I'm not going to advise you to try to save your marriage, just the opposite. But before you make any decision one way or the other you need to ask yourself if you want to maintain a father/daughter relationship with your wife's OC? Because you don't have a lot of time to make that decision. If you DON'T want to remain married to your wife and you are going to use the grounds of adultery with the OC as proof, you will not be able to maintain a relationship with the child as it will be established in court that you are not the father. You will not be required to pay child support but you will also not be allowed contact unless your fruit loop of a wife grants it to you. But you only have a short time to contest paternity once you discover you are not the father. Go over that time limit and you may be forced to pay child support even though you are proven not to be the father and denied visitation despite having to pay child support. Yes, this does happen. If you do decide to remain married, and you file for divorce later, expect to pay 16 more years of child support.

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26/08/11-To present The real lunacy begins wife start showing up at my work every day I have told security not to let her in so she stands outside sometimes for hours starts showing up at my hotel trying to seduce me and starts to scream at me when I won't sleep with her
05/09/11 wife finds out where I live breaks in I come home she tries to force herself on me she gets violent when I say no I have to call her parents to come and get her
I love that part about her trying to guilt me but I really do not want to go and get a restraining order against her it would hurt the kids and I do not want to do that and I do not want to control her emotions I just want her to come to the practical realization that we can't fix this but to be honest at the same time I wish we could

If you are going to decide to divorce your wife, you need to get any preconceptions you may have about the process out of your mind. First off, I would advise you to get a restraining order against your wife, you SHOULD have called the police to report the breaking and entering, don�t know if you still can but a restraining order should be pursued because your wife is not stable and who knows what she may pull. I would expect a manufactured incident if I were you so the focus becomes on you being a violent spouse instead of her cheating.


Secondly, why are you willing to give her the house etc? Why wouldn�t you pursue an equitable distribution of assets? Your wife was willing to perpetuate paternity fraud and would have never confessed it to you, why are you so magnanimous in return? Wait until she realizes that you do really want to proceed with the divorce and the gloves come off. You need to do what your attorney tells you to do, oldmittens, the divorce process is not kind to men and fraught with peril with consequences for even the littlest things that you may do. Time to be smart about protecting yourself.


If you decide to pursue a divorce, come back and ask any questions you want and we will answer them to the best of our ability. If you decide to accept the OC as your own, perhaps you should read the pregnancy section here. I won�t be able to help you so much for that. What your wife did would be beyond my capacity to forgive and overcome. If I were in your shoes I would be asking for the whole enchilada, 100% custody of my two older kids, child support, etc, with set visitation for your STBX, exclusive use of the family home, etc.

Stay on this forum. We've walked the walk and don't feel any hostility towards you.

I could not stay with a woman who betrayed me to the depths that your WW betrayed you. I could not raise an OC.

That's me.

I ask that you seriously consider letting the bio father be responsible for that child and have HIM pay child support.

Otherwise, you will be stuck paying CS for a child that isn't yours. I can also tell you that while your WW will be all weepy and whiny and wanting you right now that she will eventually move on to an anger phase and likely get really ugly and nasty with you.

You have every right to D. Press on. But strongly consider whether or not you wish to stay responsible for a child that isn't yours.

Why do that? Why let the OM go scott free? Let him pay the CS and have the visitation.

You have your true daughters to focus on, who are young women that need your care and attention.

Don't disappear on them.

Good luck, my friend.

Does the OM know the OC is his? If so, did he know all along?

In your state of residence does the OM have any rights to the child?

I think you need to get that restraining order.

Sorry you're here, Oldmittens.

Hope you do not get the idea that I don't "like" you or your posts, nor am I upset by your resolution.

I am neutral on your situation.

I just hope you have spent enough time (again 3 months is not that long a time)deciding on what you want to do.

Is this your first marriage?
First divorce?

Have you read/talked to/have any close friends who have gone through this process? It will alter you forever.. in both good ways and bad.
It may not be as easy as you indicate.

(...but, in the end... I have never been divorced... so I really should not advise you.)


There have been many, many BS who initially start out here thinking divorce is the only option, and changing their opinions later. That is what I was trying/ going to say. ...(In fact, there are A LOT of recent posters who have gone through this.)

Remember... above all.. YOU and your integrity in the end. You have children, I am sure you are well aware and don't need me to point out. I don't really know how/if you qualify/decide if they are really "yours" or not.

But as a father you have to give pause and consider if you have tried everything possible to reconcile this M first... before you change their world so much.
I am NOT saying "stay for the children". This is really about you, well, you and your wife.

If you know yourself that well, and know you can not forgive her nor change how you feel about M recovery. YOU already are on the best path.

Welcome to MB and so sorry for your situation for you lost both a wife and a best friend.

I completely understand why you are divorcing your ww. But I am one who is frightened she will be so selfish (as all wayards are) that she will attempt to USE the child against you or feign harm to herself or her child to force you to remain with her. It is a very controlling thing, but something my xwh did to me once after a d day. He pretended to want to do harm to himself, as he thought I was done and divorcing him.

Never underestimate the CRAZY of a wayward. Never! And since you love your dd, you should stand up for her since her mother never did.

Keep your dd safe. I would if ww threatens harm to herself, call 911 and HAVE HER TAKEN TO THE HOSPITAL and have a record of this so you can legally use it against her in court. She sounds (sad to say this) like a selfish nutjob.

And fwiw, my xwh broke into my home too, and would call and harass me and harass me until he could attempt to get some sort of contact. Again, waywards ARE selfish creatures by nature, and she isn't getting what she wants right now (you to sweep this under the rug) and she is facing a divorce and possibly the loss of her children due to her crazy behavior and immorality.

Do not feel too bad for her imho, because she deliberately knew and deceived you about the paternity. It is horrible. I know how it feels, b/c my xwh got the ow pregnant. The moment I found out about that, I went from the MB plan B (where you end contact until the affair is over) to plan D/F-U. It crushed me totally. I also fell under the category here of a woman who would refuse to help raise her wh's oc. Nope. Not ever gonna think about that one.

However, some here have healed their marriages and dealt with the oc issue successfully, but it takes an iron clad will to go forward with it. However, your situation is more complicated b/c you have a TOTALLY VIOLENT AND OUT OF CONTROL WAYWARD WIFE.

That is a different dynamic altogether. Again if it were me, go forward with the divorce and get your kids away from this nut. The wingnut is trying to MANIPULATE YOU FURTHER (even more than by denying you the truth of the paternity) by threatening harm to herself, being violent TO you (the wronged party) and imho, she could be totally violent or evil to the kids too at one point. Who knows what she might do to oc? She might BLAME the oc for HER own actions and take it out on her.

I would be very scared to have any children around this woman. Do not feel too much pity for your ww, as she was able to cheat with your BF for years and have a baby with him under the radar. She's a conniving woman and possibly even dangerous.

Put your KIDS FIRST right now. Keep you, and keep them safe.

first of all I want to get one thing out way to make it perfectly clear I want All three of my DDS in my life and that whatever happens my youngest will be my daughter and no one else's the other man does not know he could be the father.

Second I want to say that I get what a lot of you are saying about holding off on the divorce and giving myself more time and it makes a lot of sense but the thing I keep coming back to is how can I even consider reconciling with someone I can't even stand to be in the same room with and it's not that I don't love my wife she is the love of my life and always will be it's just I feel so helpless when I'm around her I mean I tried my best to be a good husband I Worked 9 to 5 job I spent as much time as I could with her I thought she was the most beautiful woman I've ever seen I've been in love with her since I was 15 years old I loved her long before she loved me I mean this came out of nowhere I mean we did things together all the time we used to stay up till the late hours of the morning talking I found her to be the most fascinating person I've ever met not to mention the sex the most mind blowing powerful wonderful sex I've ever had and that's what bothers me the most I don't understand why.


I mean if I had been ignoring her if I had been working too much if I had been neglecting her but there was nothing wrong from what I can tell and she has said the same thing she said she was perfectly happy with me then why why do this I mean why destroy everything for something that she said was just a bit of fun I mean I used to go around Bragging about my great wife and the fact that we had sex five nights a week and the fact that she loved the same things I loved That we had so much in common but I'm rambling and should get on with the rest of my post.

and that's really why I can't reconcile is I'm so sad not angry sad sad that she ruined it ruined something that I thought was well perfect but It all was a Lie. as for the kids as it stands right now I'm not too worried about them being with her and in fact I believe they're the only thing that is keeping her sane right now she has been nothing but a great mother since the day we had our first child and whatever she's done to me I do believe she's had nothing but the best interest of our children at heart and until I see otherwise I am not Going to try to take them From her the one thing we have been able to agree on through all of this is that children need both of us in our lives and that neither one of us wants to take them away from the other.

As for the divorce I'm not taking the home because I don't want it they had sex in their dozens of times in my own bed in my study And in pretty much every room of the house it is tainted beyond repair for me I want nothing to do with it and hope to never step foot in it again but I will not go after the money in the house because there's a good chance then we would lose it and I don't want my daughters to lose their home the only home they've ever known And as for everything in it I've already got what I want from the house anything of personal value she can have the rest it's just stuff I just want half our savings half of our pension and my car just enough to start a new life I want to earn my new life and I don't want to say anything for my new life is dependent on anything from the old I want a new beginning.

Now on to the wife well today was just like any other in this new Sad chapter of my life I get to work and guess who's waiting for me And she's there again as I go to walk into the building she runs up to me with the same story again that she's sorry that we can get past this that were soulmates that she loves me today it got really bad I got to work at 9 AM and she was Already there waiting for me when I left at 8 PM she were still there she had Her mother Watch our youngest the only time she left was to go home and make supper for our kids and then she came back I'm really starting to worry about her this isn't healthy it is insane I told her she needs help that she should go and see a psychiatrist or some mental health professional that she's not coping well and that she should talk to her family about this she said she's trying to but the only family she wants to talk to it about is trying to divorce her I have to give her props there It was a nice comeback.

I don't think you can convince a WS that "it's over". WW's family can look after her if she starts melting down to the point of harming herself. Drowning people tend to hold on and drown other people so stay a safe distance away from WW.

Is there any indication that she might have done anything like this before?
Is she a person who tends to feel entitled?
I can understand that you are thinking in circles, trying to figure out the WHY. If it is totally unlike her, did your former BF persuade her that it is "only" a bit of fun? The long time frame makes it hard to understand though. Especially because I understand from your post that she didn't really see it as a problem?!

Maybe a round or two of MB counseling together would not be such a bad idea. You might be able to reach an agreement, that her practically stalking you won't lead to you liking her more. On the contrary.

At this point it is important not to reward her for stalking you by talking to her. It is better to write her a letter under what conditions you and at what point in time you are willing to talk to her about which subjects - and stick with it.

It is also a good idea to talk with an intermediary present (counselor?) so that she does not have the chance to make it another plea for you to stay.

God bless,

Happyheart

The well-accepted words of advice have it that folks in our situations should NOT make life-changing decisions until a period of about six months have passed. Far too many "yes-no", "up-down", "left-right" oscillations would be in progress to permit an optimal assessment of where one is, and which direction in which to proceed. Letting the highs and lows moderate would give one a better chance of recovery, in whatever form.

You, sir, are about as showing evidence of fluctuating as wildly as anyone on this board recently. (This is not a comment of degradation, but of compassion.) Looking at your words in only this most recent posting reveals a man torn between two impulses - disgust and hatred toward her faithless actions, and ongoing love and appreciation for the person who committed them.

STOP! Don't DO anything for an hour or two. Take that period and ask herself which of those two impulses is the stronger RIGHT NOW.

DO YOU LOVE HER MORE THAN YOU HATE HER ACTIONS? HAVE HER ACTIONS KILLED, NOT DAMAGED, YOUR ONCE-STRONG LOVE FOR HER?

Bring back the answer. Do not cloud the issue with historical ramblings about working too much, or great five-day-a-week sex, or anything else. Just answer the most important question you and your family will ever face.

This is NOT going to be a one-time exercise (the whole idea behind the six-months hiatus). There are daily decisions you have to make, and things you'll have to do, but every day you should ask yourself those questiions.

If you find a consistency of your feelings over a period of time, then you'll know your path. But IF your ultimate decision is to dissolve the marriage, you should do so firm in the knowledge that you no longer love her. Divorcing her, if while still claiming to love her (your words, not mine), merely to satisfy some sense of marital obligation, would not be in your best interest.

I would like to add my .02 here. NG is giving some very strong advice. I know I went into my d too early. I still don't want to get divorced. But I have reflected a great deal through the past 4 months and realize that my ww won't change.

She is a self-entitled person who has never lost anything in her life. Her independent lifestyle is more important to her than being a family oriented person. I am a pro-marriage individual who wants my family and a wife who is willing to put as much into the marriage as myself. She couldn't, wouldn't, and never will!

So look at your situation and see if your wife can change/is willing to change/ and show remorse for her poor judgement. I have no choice because mine isn't willing to put forth the effort in our marriage---if yours is that tells you something!!!

I KNEW you would get to this point. It was the initial shock and depth of your pain that initially had you not wanting your YDD. Of course she is your daughter, biology does not make a parent.

Can you do this for your own sake and the for the sake of your children? Can you get your family or her family to convince her that you will get a restraining order and follow through with the D if she does not leave you alone? Then get an IM to communicate with her about the children and buy yourself some time to pray, think and heal for a while without your WW in your face. I really think her over the top behavior is driving you crazy and you need a clear head to truly know what is right for you and your family.

I also agree that a couple of sessions with Steve Harley would not hurt your situation. You don't counsel together so you won't have to have contact with her even on the phone.

I am rooting for you, OM!

How could he not know that he may be the father?

They were fooling around before, during and after her pregnancy and he saw her the entire time, how could he NOT suspect?

Is he mentally challenged?


You see, I fully support your right to divorce your wife if you so choose...it's just this story doesn't sound wholly believable so some of us question it and you a bit to see how real you are. I hope you are not a troll posting here with the intent to demonstrate that these forums only give lip service to supporting betrayed spouses right to divorce for adultery and that if someone actually tries to do it...they'll be run off the boards and/or harassed for not trying to save their marriage. Then again...a troll point could be a demonstration of how being tuff and firm with your wayward wife will get her to grovel for you back.

If you aren't a troll...I apologize. You have every right to be as mean, upset, ticked off and done as you want to be. Please understand the anonymous nature of forums invites in a lot of wackos Many of us have come to love this place and it has been attacked again and again over the years by various agendas and various methods. Fake threads and fake stories is one such method. So forgive us if we are a tad skeptical of out-of-the-norm story lines like yours. Most betrayed spouses aren't so sure so quickly about what they plan to do. I know I wasn't and I'm a lawyer trained in critical thinking skills. Then again, maybe it's just those so sure don't show up here (until now). As NG said, we have no choice but to take you at your word.

Carry on,

Mr. Wondering

We don't hate you.

We won't hate on your bee itch WW either.

We know that life important decisions should not be made for at least 6 months past Dday.

There have beed many a BH here before you where their WW got the gift of an OC from the OM.

You are no different.

Some have recovered.

Some have chose to divorce.

Either decision is the correct decision. What each individual BH wants is in the end the right decision.

The thing you are doing wrong is to rush the decision before 6 months go by.

Why is 6 months important?

Time for your mind to process all that has happened. Time for you to come down somewhat. Time for you to think thru all the implications that your one decision to recover or divorce will have.

Mr. W, OM is not a troll. He has been posting elsewhere but needed more help than could be provided there. He is a very hurt man that has been betrayed by his WW, his BFF and the recentl knowledge that his YDD is not his biologically.

Thanks FF...

guess I still have post traumatic posting disorder from all the went on here prior to the troll & witch purge last year.

I was trying to be less suspicious/paranoid myself while communicating to the original poster a little of the undertones he was reading as hostility on his thread.

I bet the OM doesn't suspect the child is his because the wayward wife lied to OM and somehow convinced him otherwise. He had to have suspected at one time....say when the WW first discovered she was pregnant, that he COULD BE the father.

What a jerk.

I think I'd walk in this situation too. At least I hope I would, but I don't think I'd be so quick to decide my children were ok to leave behind in her care. Waywards aren't good parents...but expediency has it's benefits too.

Mr. W