Hello everyone. My first time posting here and I don�t know where to start. I guess from the beginning. In May of 2008, I reconnected with an old �friend� who I had dated a few times back in 1996. He is also the brother of one of my former best friends who was singing at a club that night. He has been divorced for 8 years. Two of those �single� years were spent in prison for embezzlement. He was diagnosed with bi-polar in prison and was on mood stabilizers. When getting out of prison he resumed his alcoholism and gambling. He is definitely a POSOM.

On to the story: BH was outside of the club smoking when OM made a comment about kissing me to me. I excused myself to the bathroom. I was freaked out at first. I thought �how gross� he was for making that comment to me when he knows my husband and my husband is right outside. But as the days went on, I couldn�t stop thinking about him. I had fantasies about how wonderful he was and how he could meet EVERY need I had. My BH and I were very disconnected at this point after having dealt with having 3 children in 20 months and my bouts of post partum depression which turned into Pre menstrual dysphoric disorder. I had been taking 20 mg of an antidepressant but realized after D-Day that it wasn�t working at all. I was using OM as my anti-depressant. This is not an excuse. I know there is no excuse for the affair. The affair was EA/PA and went on for 3 years.

Well, OM unexpectedly called my BH at work and told him about our affair and �proved� it by posting a picture of us together (in the background) on FB (on April 5, 2011). We started out with a false recovery. I kept chatting and emailing with OM. He told me his �grand plan� if I decided to leave my BH. He also denied making that phone call. At the time, I was stupid enough to believe him, but what he said to my DH was not only cruel but things only OM knew. My BH figured out I was still communicating, so then I wrote OM a letter of finality (based on MB�s examples) and mailed it at the end of May 2011. I was still in false recovery because I was hacking into his email to read old emails between us and look at pictures of us. BH found out and went in and deleted everything in my secret email account along with everything in OM�s email account.


It was after this that I started feeling better. I felt really good for awhile. I was very dedicated to making it work with my husband who has been wonderful to me through this whole mess. He has chosen to stay and work things out with me with counseling and using MB�s principles.

Well, I made the mistake of looking at OM�s FB page end of July to notice that he had changed his status from single to �in a relationship�. This sent me into a complete jealous rage. I admitted to my BH that I looked. I also realized it set us back to day one and it threw me into a suicidal depression. However, even though I was feeling this horrible, I had to know if it was true or if OM was just torturing me (by having his photos and wall available for everyone to see). So, on August 16th, I googled him and clicked on the FB link to find his profile picture was of him and his new girlfriend. I was completely suicidal at this time. I couldn�t control my feelings or thoughts. I denied it to BH at first then admitted it. He was furious of course. I obsessed over this picture wondering how he could have gotten a girlfriend only 6 weeks after our last point of contact. Wasn�t he suffering like me? I also compared how I looked to her.



I have not looked at the picture since August 16th nor have I googled him or FB him (he and his sister and any of his friends are blocked on FB). However, my recovery with BH is hindered due to my continuous withdrawl. I feel just like a drug addict. The fog sometimes lifts but, for the most part, it is still there.

My psychiatrist has upped my dosage of my anti-depressent which, I hope, will help. I felt strong and good yesterday. Today I am very weak. Work has a lot of triggers for me. I keep telling BH about my feelings. I do radical honesty now.

I guess what I need help with from others is: How do I stop thinking about OM in such a positive light? I�d like also to hear any advice from FWW who had affairs with single men. I have an issue with obsessing and being jealous of his �freedom�. I know my thinking is warped. I have the best husband anyone could ask for. He is intelligent, funny, handsome, sexy,successful and caring. PLEASE help with any advice even if you need to go �hard core� on me! Sorry this was so long. Thank you!!!

Please tell me you had the sense to delete the facebook page? Since you continually trigger yourself by looking up the OM on the internet, why not stay off the computer unless your H is there with you? Have him password protect the computer so you can't get on unless he is there.


You might want to stop that bad practice. That is surely not good for your marriage in any way. First off, you erode the love your H feels for you and you make the inappropriate feelings more REAL every time you yap about it. Stop talking about it!

Don't talk about the affair or this scumbag anymore.

I think the basic problem is that you allow yourself to romanticize about something that is profoundly disgusting. This is a bum who did everything but spit in your face. He treated you like used toilet paper and you don't seem to realize it. Your affair was about as "romantic" as 2 pigs rutting in the pig pen.

When it comes to mind, allow your LOGIC to wash over your silly emotions and give you a reality CHECK.

And STOP talking about it!!

So let's recap, comedy:
You had an adulterous affair with some skeevy ex-con because he made a pass at you. You imperiled your M throughout the course of the affair, and continue to abuse your poor H with continued obsessing over this prisoner.

I think if you look at your own post you will doubtless see the problem: you continue to attempt contact with Prison Boy. Even seeing his picture will trigger you about the affair, and you will remain in a perpetual state of withdrawal. GET OFF THE COMPUTER!! Ask your H to put a password on it so that only he can give you access, and then he needs to monitor your use.

You keep wandering back to the bar to take just a 'nip'.

It also appears that you and your H have made no real attempt to recover your M and affair-proof it from further attack.

Have you read any of the articles on this site? I would suggest you start here. Take some time to go through the others, as well.

(And this should be the ONLY website you visit!)

How much time are you spending with your H each week? You should be spending 25-30 hours weekly in undivided attention with each other. (Watching TV doesn't count.)

Would your H be willing to come to this site?

Melody Lane,
Thank you for responding. You are right. I need to stop talking about it altogether. Thank you for the pig pen image. That's a good one that I'm going to use to override my "romantic images" of the scumbag.

Thank you for making me laugh even though it's not laughing matter. Seeing Ex-Con and Prisoner really hits home to how stupid I am. My H and I are reading these posts together (over the phone). This is the only website we use and we are reading Dr. Harley's books: His/her needs and Love Busters. You are right. After I wrote and read my own post, I felt like an idiot. We are also in marriage counseling once a week since April (a day or two after he found out).

Don't denigrate yourself, for a few reasons:

Affairs have nothing to do with intellect. Incredibly smart people have been caught with their pants down since the beginning of time. (And I'm not saying you're not smart. I think quite the opposite, actually.)

When you say how 'dumb' your were, or how 'stupid' you were, you are on a slippery slope to removing yourself from responsibility for your actions ("I'm dumb, that's why I had the affair - I just couldn't help it.")

You had an affair because you had poor boundaries and saw an opportunity. It's pretty simple, really.

Rebuilding is going to take a little more work.

I know as a matter of fact you have the most amazing husband on the planet. That is a lot of abuse he suffered. Three years is a long time to abuse this wonderful man.

My suggestion is to have hime post separately. He is going to need individual attention, and he needs the advice sans you.

Please have him start his own thread, and kindly remove yourself from his thread.

In the meantime - keep posting here. You will need to create a list to protect your husband and make him feel safe in the marriage ASAP.

I think you need to start off by eliminating the excuses.

There are women who have consecutive children in a short period, with or without post-partum depression or pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder who don't cheat on their husbands.

There are women who take anti-depressants who don't cheat on their husband.

Lot of melodrama and histrionics in your posting, do you thrive on drama and attention, especially with a bad boy like Mr Felon?

I would suggest putting HNHN in the bottom drawer for now. That is not the book you need right now. You need Surviving an Affair.

GO, you're dead on!

RK, GO iswas a wayward husband. He doesn't intend to berate you - his intent is to educate you. Are you learning?

lol.........

Hi ComedyT,

You sound a lot like me.... poor self-esteem, poor judge of character and poor sense of limits. You asked for input from other FWW who have had affairs with single men. As a person who continues to try to keep the "F" in "FWW", I can understand your history of frustration. I've been there.

In my process and through several false recoveries, I have learned one core idea that has helped me the most, through times of withdrawal and otherwise... and that is.... I was not in love with the OM. I was in love with the feeling that I felt (and much of that feeling I created).

My OM was a cheater, a liar, a partier, an atheist, and he was unemployed and ridiculously in debt. How could I be in love with that? I aksed myself a million times. While my voice remained quiet, my insecurities spoke volumes. I wasn't really in love with the OM. I was in love with that feeling that he gave me. My self-esteem was so low, that I tried to fill it with dirt.

MB principles are the only answer to save your M. While there are other issues at play in your own emotional maturity that need to be addressed, the only way to save your M is by following MB.

Best..

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to respond and give advice. All of the advice is valuable to me because I see myself and my situation from where you are instead of in my head. H and I are working on EP's and not talking about the manipulative jerk anymore. I am also going to buy Surviving the Affair. I have read "After the Affair" but it's not Dr. Harley. I am learning a lot about myself but I need to move forward in repairing my marriage and making it about my husband. Please keep the advice coming. I'm at work so I have to post quickly.THANK YOU!!!!

Grace 88,
Thank you for responding. I, too, was in love with the feeling he gave me. I was pathetically desperate for attention and didn't have the guts to ask my H for it! I have so much anger towards myself and I tend to put it on the POSOM. The problem with that is it is giving my emotions, time, and thoughts to him. I want to call his place of employment and tell them about his past because they never did a background check on him. I could ruin his life but that would just bring him back into my marriage. Even though he has this good job, he still borrowed money from me by putting stuff on my credit card because he can't get one (his credit is ruined). So I, like you, can't be "in love" with something (notice I don't say some"one") like that. I appreciate your response and sharing what you learned with me.

Right now my WXW is a divorced, adulterous, unemployed, 36-year-old, mother-of-two who lives at home with her parents.

If you don't cut this crap out now, you will be too. Only you're in your 40s and have 3 kids.

Have a nice day.

This is what I need to hear!! My husband is so wonderful and gentle. I don't want to end up like your WXW!

Exactly...they were fantasies! There is no reality base, whatsoever, in an affair. The problem is, yours lasted for 3 years (just a bit longer than my 2+ year EA/PA). There is a significant amount of attachment and obsession that you've placed on this "fantasy". You need to remind yourself that there is NO reality in what you experienced. It was all a fabrication.

.

Your OM was an escape.... like any drug. Your drug of choice was the OM and those fake feelings that were created from the "high". Think of MB and this forum as your own "AA". When you feel weak, use this forum as a support... read posts, ask questions, read books. Particular posts that helped me were from GloveOil, Wuffpack Girl, Just Learning, Marital Bliss, Mr. and Mrs. Wondering.... and several more.




My OM had already found a new girl near the end of our 2+ year A. Yes, I was outraged and jealous. But then I realized that, again, my A was all a fantasy that I created as a result of my poor self-esteem, poor boundaries, and immaturity in my emotional development.


After 3 years, it's going to take some time. Withdrawal can take a long time, even under the best of possible circumstances. You need to fully internalize that concept, and when you get weak, you don't repeat the beahviors that haven't worked for you. You don't look for pictures on FB. You don't look at old emails. When thoughts pop in your head, you need to re-direct your thinking. There are several posts about this and dealing with triggers.

You mentioned that you don't have the book SAA. That is a must read! Please order that book and read it cover to cover. Read and digest all of the MB principles...make them a lifestyle.

Best..
grace

Grace,
Thank you for writing again. I ordered SAA and am looking forward to reading it and applying the principals.
About how long did it take you to completely exit the fog?
I am definitely using MB as my AA. I gotta get out of my head. Trying meditation as well. I am very serious about this recovery.
Thank you! CT