Your wife is going through the normal stuff after an affair, it is tough to hear it we all know how much that hurts, but the truth has to come out to move on.......
It took my husband a couple of months to get past the withdrawal stage and to see things in the reality state instead of the fantasy state.......
It was like he had lost all his marbles, all his adult thinking had gone out the window for a short while the smart man I thought he was wasn't looking like one anymore.....
This is a slow process, you love her, then show her, tell her that she is worth the work and the marriage is worth the effort...........
She made the choice to stay, make yourself be the better option, in every marriage one has to be the strong one and carry them over the rocky path because they can't because they are lost.........be the hero for your marriage...................
jessi

Oops, careful, Lv - here you are, trying to make sense out of something that is nonsense. You'll just make yourself crazy, trying to do that. Accept that adultery is an act of NONsense.

Yep, sounds like withdrawal. Her candy got taken away. She knows that it was no good for her, but it tasted so good! Waywards hate that while they're defogging, and they hate accountability. I suspect she'll be looking at that very differently when she's defogged.

Thanks for that jessi and Mb...I am def driving myself crazy trying to make sense of it. And yes I will be the awesome option that will blow that OM out the water...I want this marriage, my wife and family.

Back again with my millions of questions... So my wife is at work right now. She has not texted or called me on her breaks or lunch. I want to flip out and say why is she not calling me? (She was calling and txting me before the A was exposed and broken up) I guess my question is should I show up at her job, maybe invite her to grab a lunch or hang out on her break? Would that be too much since she seems to be in a classic state of withdrawal right now? I know right now she is very unreceptive to my meeting of her EN since she is still missing the OM. Idk I just have so many thoughts and Im becoming so paranoid about everything she does. She just seems so pissed to be back working on the marriage. Its really sad.

Well it's too late for lunch. maybe do it another day. One thing you can do is set a rule for being accountable for her time. That she call or text before during and after lunch and on breaks. Not unreasonable considering what's happened. That she needs to do this to build trust.

CV

I see what you are saying CV. Sometimes I have to sit back and really stop myself from believing that maybe just maybe she really is in love with this OM.

Dr. Harley would say....she is in love with OM. Love isn't magic. Let someone fill emotional needs that were not being met and you let them fill more and more of them and voila...love. That is why she is feeling love for OM. Your account in her love bank got low and his got high. Read up on the love bank concept. It tells you how it works and you are going to know how it works to work Marriage Builder plans to survive infedelity in your marriage.
She is not in a state of withdrawal with you if you just exposed. She might be in a state of conflict cause you caused her to be accountable for her adultery a bit with others and that makes waywards mad. Mad due to messing with their fantasy romance.
You had to do it anyway. Not to have done it would have been an error.
Anyway.
I would go to her work and invite her out whenever BUT do it with no expectations that she will take you up on it. Just do it knowing that and preparing to appear fine with it either way. Take a nice pill when you go (Dr. Harley's wife once used this phrase on the radio show and I like it.)

My Wife is still in the Fantasy state.....and MAD at the exposure. I believe she is more mad at her exposure as a cheater than anything else!


Exactly!!


Being that Hero is NOT easy!!
I go back and forth between ups and downs several times a day!!
Earlier today....I was defeated and wanted to quit.
It's 6pm......I'm back to wanting to be a Marriage HERO......after some prayer and strength from God!!
DO NOT STOP!
DO NOT QUIT!!

Well just another update. Last night I made love to my wife. We have not been physically intimate since Feb. As much as I want to say it was amazing and how great it was...I honestly feel as if afterwards it was really strange.

We usually cuddle and hold each other but she really did not want to do that. Of course I am feeling rather down and bummed about it because I have a million reasons running through my head...Is it because she was thinking about him? Is she really NOT attracted to me anymore? etc etc...

So to all the vets and non vets alike, is this normal? She was the one that initiated sex with me. So I guess I'm just confused and coming her to vent instead of committing tons of LB towards her. She just told me she feels like a prisoner with all these rules...

Here I am posting again...LOL I'm starting to wonder if I am addicted to the MB site? (just joking) But I am wondering if I should be doing little things like buying her fave flowers, maybe making her fave meal? I was reading through other threads and someone mentioned that and since her highest EN was Affection and admiration I would think I could do that in order to meet some of those.

Would that be considered to "sappy"? Just wondering...

I think that would be a very sweet thing to do.

The rules are voluntary. She has the option to leave if she doesn't want to joyfully recover. Remind her that they are there for your protection and hers. If she adopts the rules and makes them a part of her, they won't be constraining, they will be freeing.

In regards to the sex... Ask her. Talk to her about it and ask why she didn't cuddle. Tell her how you felt. Be radically open and honest with each other.

She is probably the best one to answer the questions.

Just another update...Things have been pretty good for the past couple of days...we have been intimate everyday for the past 3 days and she did want to cuddle afterwards. She is still apprehensive on saying I love you, when I tell her that I love her.

For now I just don't say it. But she is allowing me to kiss her at random, hold her hand in public and do many of the things that she complained I never did before without the usual, "why are you doing this now" speech. She even has started calling me pet names again.

So for now I am just going with the flow, using EPs and coming here to get my mind off things if I feel myself getting anxious. Once again thanks to everyone here...its a VERY VERY slow battle...but Im here to try and win the war!

These are good things. You are filling that love bank. As you begin to do this something else will happen. She will joyfully submit to the EP's that are in place because loving you and following the guidelines won't seem tedious or a burden.

You know what I find most strange and amazing is how wonderful this program is. I sit and think how many marriages could be salvaged if more people would seek out an alternative to divorce and giving up.

I have had some friends tell me I am crazy for working so hard at this. They tell me she is not worth that and she should be the one groveling at my feet. They wonder why I continue to provide a loving, secure home life. I guess they would rather me be dramatic like the movies, with her things thrown in the front lawn.

They really do not understand the concepts of MB and they really don't see that it actually works.

MB is the "duh factor". It is simple, common sense stuff. It almost seems "too easy" and I think that's why a lot of folks don't get it. I think most people would rather just give up than work, and it's that same mindset that attracts so many to shrinks. We have been conditioned to expect someone else to fix our problems and since they have the paper, they must know what they are doing. The thing is, most people are or can be competent to counsel... Themselves and others if they would just take the time...

CV

Well...major setback today...Wife was irritated with me all day today. When I asked her what was wrong she told me she was just having a bad day. I left it at that and she went to work.

I went into her phone account and made sure I had disabled her access to texting/data/internet. She just called me and she is furious. She is saying I'm not sure I even want to be with you anymore. She is saying if I did not want to be here I wouldn't be. She can't handle me controlling every aspect of her life like this.

I'm at a loss again. I know what the MB concepts require and I'm standing firm but I'm ridiculously scared of losing her.

It's like taking crack away from a crack addict. They are upset because they cannot get their fix.

This is...unfortunately, normal.

You arent controlling her. You just expect the person you are with to be open and transparent thats all. She always has the option of being secretive on her own.



Been there. You get less scared the more you follow the plans. They give you srength.

You aren't scared of losing crazy secretive hostile woman. You are scared of losing the real person inside, who you love.

Everything you are doing 'feeds' her better side. By refusing to enable, you are doing everything possible to keep your wife and banish the intruder alien.

Welcome to withdrawal, Lv. Hang tough! That part of the ride will eventually come to a complete stop.
"I'm sorry you're having difficulty right now, sweetie. Would you like to go to the movies? Dinner? Library?"

Did you ever try to quit smoking? When the craving hits, you do something else until it passes. Same thing, getting her through withdrawal. Distract her. And don't rise to anything she says that is baiting you.

Keep confirming that all avenues for contact are closed.