Hi, I am a 28 year old wife married for 9 years to a truly amazing man, I am a mother of two beautiful girls 6 and 3 years old. Last June my husband sat in our living room and asked me while crying �Do you think we are going to make it?� I was absolutely stunned, shocked, and hurt. I told him "Of course we will" everyone goes through feelings like this and we just have to seek help and work through it.
A couple weeks passed with some serious discussions about our marriage, divorce included. He wasn't sure what he wanted and I never understood how you can go from having a nice (not great) marriage to the "D" word without even putting any effort in looking into or fixing what was wrong....and then I figured it out. I found the text messages from �her�, a young lady he worked with. I instantly knew what was going on and of course I confronted him with my find and thoughts. He was angry with me for snooping through his phone and denied feelings for her. Honestly I have no clue why I checked his phone in the first place. I had just given him a haircut, he was in the shower and his phone was on the counter, it just kind of happened I guess (I call it my gift from God). I NEVER in my life, ever, thought he would be the kind of guy who would do this. He claimed nothing was going on of course, but I knew. This person he was at this moment was not the honest, loving, caring, devoted man I married.
After another couple days I decided I couldn�t put up with the emotional abuse he was putting us through. I decided to take our girls and move out. I tried to call his phone and he wouldn�t answer so I text him and told him he had a BIG decision to make and the girls and I were moving out until he could decide what he wanted. I told him I was 100% willing to work on our marriage. I told him that it wasn't over until he has a �sexual� relationship with her (he did promised me 100% it was never physical). I then left and went to his mother�s house (she supported me 100%). I had a serious panic attack and so his mother called my husband and told him where I was and what was going on. He rushed to her house and as I was leaning over the toilet sick he promised me it was �done� it was �over� and he would promise to work on our marriage 100%. He and I took a week off and spent every amazing second together talking through things.
Well, the text messages still came in from her and guess what it wasn�t over. I remember sitting in a parking lot crying my eyes out trying to figure out how I was going to ask him to never talk to her again without sounding like a controlling wife. So I called him and asked him to stop all contact with her and his response was �I don�t understand why I can�t talk to a good friend of mine�. I was shocked�and felt like a controlling wife, why did I ask him that? Why do I feel like this? He is my husband and I shouldn't have to ask him stuff like that. I went home after work and my husband was at the park across the street with our children sitting on a bench. I went down to talk to him and asked him if he was in love with her. He said no, it wasn�t love but he did have strong feelings for her. I left and went home and got sick again. He ran after me and we talked, AGAIN and AGAIN he told me he would end it. after that we went to the bedroom and made love. The very second we finished he got a text message from her "Hey are you working tonight?"...I was destroyed. The very next day he called her up and told her that the feelings they had for each other had to stop the way he was treating his family wasn�t fair, and it was over between them. I wasn't present during the phone call so I never felt it was over.
I personally believe he is telling me the truth and that the relationship is over but, I don�t know how to forgive him or how to trust him, after all he told me that it was over once before. I want this to be over with and I want my life back! I love him so much and don�t want to push him away again. I do realize there is a TON of fault that lies within me but there are still little things that he does or things that just happen that make me feel like it will never be over. Here are some examples.
#1 I asked him not to go to the building that she works in (he is a police officer and she works at dispatch) even if he is invited. He stated he didn�t want to be that guy because there are other people up there that he is friends with and that would mean he couldn't visit them either. Later we discussed his response and I told him how much it hurt me to hear that and he said he understood�He promised me he would never again go up there when she was there. I felt so guilty for asking him so I shared with my sister-in-law who is well aware of what happened what I had asked of him. She works with her as well and told me that I was being a very controlling wife and he is going to hate me for that. Ugh!
#2 As I stated before, my sister-in-law works with her and is actually her supervisor. She claims that this young lady my husband was texting was totally innocent and never meant to come between my husband and I. She says she is too nice, has morals, for heaven's sake she s a virgin, and never drinks. My sister-in-law told my mother-in-law that it was all in my husband's head and he took everything the wrong way. Last month we were going to a social event with some guys my husband works with. My sister-in-law actually invited this girl to hang out with us. So I was surrounded with a reminder all day of my husband�s infidelity. I can't seem to get away from her!
#3 They work together�not in the same building but they have to talk on the radio. Every time he leaves for work it feels like he is once again leaving me for her. It is TOTALLY 100% unreasonable for me to ask him to leave his job! He has dreamed of being employed with this company since he was in high school and we finally got him here. We are so close to the people he works with and he wouldn�t be able to find another job in this economy anyway. We wouldn�t be able to sell our house, and our whole family lives here, his side and mine. I have thought about telling his co-workers about his infidelity so they will keep an eye on him but that is a total lack of trust and I feel like I am mothering him. Once again I can't get away from her.
I don't sleep at all on the nights he works, I have developed some minor health issues, and my kids are paying a serious price as well! They see their momma crying sometimes while I am alone and they worry constantly about me. Please, please, please HELP! I want this to all be over!

First of all I am sorry that you find yourself here.

If you could edit your story with paragraphs it would be easier to read.

The path to recovery after an affair is narrow and you have to do everything that is asked of you if you ever hope to come through this. No excuses. It is either that or else your marriage is crippled till you divorce and you die by a thousand cuts. Get ready to fight hard for your marriage.

(And don't listen to anything your sis in law says. She has no clue how this all works)

Get the book "How to Survive and Affair" by Dr. Harley as SOON as humanly possible.

Others who have walked in your shoes will be along soon to help as well. Don't tell your WH about this forum yet, let it be your place of help for now.

You are NOT being controlling in this. You are trying to save your marriage and your family is not helping you. No wonder you are feeling terrible. This is one of the worst experiences a person can go through and no one is standing in your corner. Marriage Builders is the best place to be, and you will get plenty of very good, solid advice and guidance. But you must be willing to follow through in order to have the best chance at saving your marriage.

It is NOT controlling to set boundaries on what YOU are willing to accept in your life. Virtually very person in this forum has set these boundaries.

The first step is for your H to NEVER contact his adultery partner (AP) again....for life. You and he must do what it takes to accomplish this. This is not negotiable. (And this is--again--NOT CONTROLLING.) For one thing, every contact risks reigniting the A. For another, it is a terrible offense to you!

Have you read some of the links on this marvelous website? Here is what you should read first.
How to Survive Infidelity

If he refuses to end ALL contact, you would go into what is called "Plan A." This a short amount of time, maybe a couple of weeks, that you do all you can to meet his emotional needs and at the same time, fully expose the affair to ALL, asking for their help in ending the adultery and saving the marriage.

Both of these parts of Plan A take a great deal of strength and resolution on your part. Many of the folks here exposed and the affair ended the same day.

Don't listen to people who tell you what a wonderful girl that OW is. That's ridiculous. Anyone who would come on to a married man is not wonderful, even if she IS a virgin. (Yeah,right, on that one.)

And this is not about you. Your husband has poor boundaries around women. He should not have a friend of the opposite gender. None of us should. Once he started allowing her to meet even one of ENs, the boundaries started to get very slippery.

Stay tuned. You will hear from others soon. Come here for help. This really is the best place.

Expose the affair EVERYWHERE in town and at work and HOPE that the OW quits, gets fired or otherwise moves on. If she doesn't (which is a longshot as most OW have no shame) then he HAS TO find another job ASAP. Can he transfer within the company to another town and you move 30 miles away. Still close to family but you won't risk running into her anymore.

It's got to end. You already know that. You aren't sleeping because you are in constant fear of what they could be doing at work.

btw...is OW married? Does her husband know? If so that may make her much more likely to leave herself allowing your husband to keep his job.

also...this doesn't make you controlling. Your husband risked his job when he CHOSE to have an affair in his workplace.

Mr. W

In order to save your family and recover/rebuild your marriage (presuming the OK but not great marriage you had before isn't likely goon enough anymore) you'll need a plan.

Fortunately, that's what this website is. A plan to rebuild and restore love in marriages.


You really need to start reading and implementing the concepts of this website with your husband. Is he on board with working "a plan" at all?



Here's a few threads to look at:




YOU matter too!!!!

Mr. Wondering

Hi Familygal, welcome to Marriage Builders. So sorry you are here.

The others are right about exposure. Affairs thrive on secrecy so exposure is ruinous. It is your best weapon against the affair. Tell everyone about the affair. Call up his parents, her parents, your family and close friends and tell them about the affair and ask them to use their influence to persuade them to end their affair. I would also expose to your husbands company since this is a workplace affair. \

Does the skank have a facebook page? If so, copy and paste all her contacts into a WORD doc and send them private messages telling them about the affair. Ask them to use their influence to get her to leave your husband alone.

You have to run this skank off and kill the affair, FG, in order to save your marriage.

Your H will have to leave the job in order to recover your marriage. I am hoping that exposure will cause the OW to quit, but if that doesn't happen, he will have to leave.

This letter should be sent to the director of Human Resource, a key VP and both of the affairees supervisors:

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney � be sure and send this letter to the Director of HR, a key company VP and supervisors of the affairees, ccing them all on this letter. It is important to cc them so that no one is tempted to toss the letter:

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
_________________________

Facebook exposure suggestions. First thing: go to the OP�s facebook page and copy and paste all their contacts into a word doc. This is real important because when you start exposure, you can expect the target to shut down the page.

When you expose on facebook, you should select key targets and send them a private message. Do not write this on a wall because it will be buried and ignored. Space your private messages out 60 seconds so fb does not shut you down for flooding. Make sure your full name shows up on facebook. Change your picture to one of you and your spouse and make sure there are several pictures of your children that are visible to the public.



Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It is with great regret that I send this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years and have 3 heartbroken children. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BW
another great post about facebook exposures:

I would stay away from SIL. She clearly has no clue how to save a marriage from infidelity or even how to affair proof a marriage in the first place. Is she a wayward herself?

You are NOT controlling by asking your WH to have no contact with OW. This actually should be one of your requirements to remain in the M. She is NOT his friend. She is a woman with poor boundaries and is a threat to your marriage.

Familygal, I faced the same issue as you and I let my fear of being a controlling wife stop me from getting rid of this third (just a friend) person in my marriage. It ended up becoming physical and was very hard to kill. I almost lost my family because I was afraid I would be seen as controlling and jealous. How stupid was that?

You have no hope of saving your M until you KILL this A and ensure that NC is in place.

You SHOULD have total lack of trust! You already know that he is capable of looking you in the eye and lying. You have already found continued contact despite him giving you the impression that there would be no more. Why why why would you still believe him? Trust is something that he now needs to EARN.


In this case, you will have to run that OW out of town because your M cannot survive if contact continues. You can already feel this can't you. It is a death of a thousand cuts.

My husband has promised me 100% that it is over he promises me everyday. He text me to tell me he loves me, he worries about me, and he�s sorry...etc. He called her and told her it was over, he erased her from his phone etc� BUT I still have that little bit of �doubt�! He broke our trust. I fear that while he is working that they will instant message through their computers. That is the only thing I can�t monitor and THAT kills me. I DON�T WANT TO MONITOR MY HUSBAND, I want a normal marriage. I don�t blame this on him either if I was being the wife I was suppose to be he wouldn�t have wondered off�and it kills me he looked to another woman for those needs. I was so stupid! I want these feelings to be gone! My husband also said that it wasn't good for me to talk to my sister-in-law...which I appreciated!

Famgal,

Whoa, Whoa, Whoa,---You did not cause this!!! Your husband made the choice to have the affair--

There is no such thing as a normal marriage--maybe normal problems that arise but most married people find themselves in a rut because we don't know what it really takes to be happily married. I had no idea until being on this web-site for the past 7 months!

Your husband probably has poor boundaries around women and let someone else fill his EN's and that's how this affair happened. Do not beat yourself up! You have chose your marriage for better or for worse he didn't.

Educate yourself here as much as possible, listen to these people they can literally help you save your marriage if you do what they say.

Oh-bye the way-you do need to monitor your husband and he needs to know that he needs monitoring!

I have been in your shoes and it's the worst pain you'll ever experience emotionally. Give it time and don't make any rash decisions-it is a marathon.

I wish you only the best

Famgal,

FYI,

60% of marriages end in divorce or permanently separated. 20% live together as roommates, and only 20% (1 in 5) are in a romantic marriage. According to Dr. Harley

You see the odds are against us! But with education they can be on our side

Your marriage will never recover this way. I am sorry. You won't ever feel better because your instincts are telling you that you are in danger. And they are right!! This is how you will feel as long as they continue to see each other at work.

As you should. And you always will (or at least as long as you remain married, which probably won't be long, I'm sorry to say.) Because they continue to work together. Can you describe a 'normal' marriage? You mean, like the one you had?

Famgal, I know what you're saying. But you've got to come to the realization of a few things:
1. The marriage you once had is dead. I'm not saying that's a totally bad thing. Obviously there were issues in your marriage that weren't good for the marriage. But the good news is that you can rebuild your marriage to make it better than it was!

2. You will not be able to rebuild your M until the affair is dead. The affair isn't going to die as long as they work together.

You're going to have to accept that and proceed accordingly, or allow your marriage to suffer and ultimately end. That is your scenario if they continue to work together.

In my sitch (sorry, long-time posters, because I know you've read this a million times ) In my sitch, my FWH knew the A with his co-worker was wrong. He tried to end it on his own and couldn't do it. He went in to work each morning, swearing to himself that this would be the day he wouldn't go down the hall to her cubicle.

He generally was able to keep that promise to himself - for about an hour. Then down the hall he'd go, looking for the high he got from the attention and the secret nature of what he was doing.

OW's H was on to them, and made noise about exposing them. That just drove them further underground and made them more careful. You'd think my H would have taken the opportunity and made a clean break at that point, but nope! He dug in deeper.

My H was torn up inside, knowing that he could not continue with the A, yet unable to stop. He was addicted, Famgal.

The A didn't end until it was exposed to their employer and OW quit her job. That did it. The A was killed that day.

My H is thankful for the exposure. He's glad the OWH exposed them! Because he couldn't end it himself - he said he'd gotten in over his head and didn't know how to get out.

Familygal. That was my husband too !! His shame and remorse were so sincere. To this day I believe that he was sincere. What I didn't realize was the strength of the addiction. He just couldn't stay away. He caved when she started to call. Is your WH strong enough to resist when he has contact with OW on a daily basis? Has he been strong enough to do the right thing so far? His words mean nothing at this point. You have to be smart here.

My WH and OW took it underground and continued on for another 3 months and all the while my WH had become the most loving DH ever at home.

Your M can recover and be even stronger than before but not before the A is dead and NO CONTACT FOR LIFE is established.

Stick with us here. This is a safe place. Do not tell WH about it.

Familygal, how are things going?