COG,

A quick guess is that they were communicating in secret for years, perhaps seeing each other rarely and your wife may have just told him this has to end. That could explain the timing. He may have been blackmailing her as well.

God Bless
Gamma

I consider myself a guy who can roll with the punches but this haymaker from 20yrs ago has floored me.

Potential Plan

1. Snoop out whether anything is going on right now with anyone.

2. Snoop out any old evidence in box's and files you may be able to find (old letters, etc)

3. Old affairs are tough to get proof of so your best and likely only source is your wife so you'll need to plan the day of confrontation carefully.

a. Have the box you received sitting out. In it have an envelope (apparently with a letter inside) addressed to you and not just one videotape cassette but TWO additional videocassettes. Actually, the one your received needs to be in a vcr you have hooked up and ready to go.

b. Sit your wife down and have a short talk about having something important to show her. Hit play and life as we know it changes forever (it already has but that will be the bottom upon which you can rebuild or not)....

c. Tell wife that you received this box with the three tapes and the letter. One tape has only a voice explaining a bit about what I just showed you ...the letter explains more. So she better start talking and not leaving anything out.

[this is important....wayward liars INSIST on acquiring and assessing everything you know FIRST in order to figure out whether or not or where they can resume their lying. She knows what she did and has no right to seeing all the evidence FIRST to prove to her what she already knows. Obviously you are bluffing to an extent but you MAY only get one shot at the truth about your life so you better play it well. Often once you overcome the wall of denial you CAN get an honest wayward willing to just fess up to everything. If she knows all you've got is that tape...she'll only fess up to what you see on that tape and you'll never trust there wasn't more.

d. She must be pressed to tell the truth. All of it right then without giving her time to think (and conjure up lies). You may have to say she has one chance to tell you everything or you're gone. You must be believable. Maybe have some bags packed when she walks in so she knows she's serious.



4. I wouldn't wait long to do this. Holding this secret in is killing you (and what's left of your marriage). We can speculate about the stuff on the tape and who sent it to you forever but until you confront you won't know squat.

Mr. W

Potential Plan

1. Snoop out whether anything is going on right now with anyone. Read the Operation Investigate forum for idea. First things first...check cell phone records for suspicious activity. Keylog her computer and look for secret email accounts. Search her car and belongs for a secret cell phone. If it's a long term affair that's the most likely means of continued contact.

2. Snoop out any old evidence in box's and files you may be able to find (old letters, old cell phone bills, old credit card bills, etc)

3. Old affairs are tough to get proof of so your best and likely only source of information is your wife so you'll need to plan the day of confrontation carefully.

[transfer the videotape to a CD, burn Two or three backups to insure you'll be able to confront without her destroying the proof and be able retain a copy should you ever need it. Sometimes early in a fake recovery they will essentially demand you destroy ALL copies...having a second backup will help you convince her you destroyed all copies while still having a back up to the back up should you need it one day to prove the truth about your life)

a. Have the box you received sitting out. In it have an envelope (apparently with a letter inside) addressed to you and not just one videotape cassette but TWO additional videocassettes. Actually, put the CD backup copy #1 in the cd rom drive on your laptop and you'll be ready to go. (this is a nice demonstration that you've already backed up the tapes and she need not bother trying to destroy them...you may have to indicate your attorney has a copy)

(a1) Have a voice activated digital recorder hidden nearby in the room you choose to confront her. Having a reference to her initial story could be valuable if she tries to later change the story and lie her way out of it. Under stress she won't be able to keep her stories straight. I know this may be another recording documenting further misery but you don't know if you'll be in a divorce proceeding soon trying to prove your case or not. Again...your marriage doesn't have a chance absent discovering all the truth.

b. Sit your wife down and have a short talk about having something important to show her. Hit play and life as we know it changes forever (it already has but that will be the bottom upon which you can rebuild or not)....

c. Tell wife that you received this box with the three tapes and the letter. That you made this copy and another set for your attorney. One tape has only a voice explaining a bit about what I just showed you ...the letter explains more. Be purposefully vague as though you know everything (names, dates, places and times) so she better start talking and not leave anything out.

[this is important....wayward liars INSIST on acquiring and assessing everything you know FIRST in order to figure out whether or not or where they can resume their lying. She knows what she did and has no right to seeing all the evidence FIRST to prove to her what she already knows. Obviously you are bluffing to an extent but you MAY only get one shot at the truth about your life so you better play it well. Often once you overcome the wall of denial you CAN get an honest wayward willing to just fess up to everything. If she knows all you've got is that tape...she'll only fess up to what you see on that tape and you'll never trust there wasn't more.

d. She must be pressed to tell the truth. All of it right then without giving her time to think (and conjure up lies). You may have to say she has one chance to tell you everything or you're gone. You must be believable. Maybe have some bags packed when she walks in so she knows she's serious.

e. Once she's done ask if that is everything. Now because you've known and loved this woman all your life your instincts may be to believe her and FEEL she's told you the truth. Many a betrayed spouse has been lied to over and over again. On MB we call it trickle truth. Trickle truth is a huge impediment to recovery so you are much better off pressing her hard and then DEMANDING a polygraph. If she's been totally honest she SHOULD BE excited for the opportunity to prove she's being honest. Any hesitancy is a great indication of deceit. Also...your first instinct may be to not follow through with such polygraph...don't trust that instinct. If she's willing to do it...schedule it. Drive there and you'll be surprised that more "truth" will trickle out before the test.

4. I wouldn't wait long to do this. Holding this secret in is killing you (and what's left of your marriage). We can speculate about the stuff on the tape and who sent it to you forever but until you confront you won't know squat.

Mr. W

I have went through some of our old crates and boxes to see if there were any clues. Nothing.

First of all, thank you all for your comments and suggestions.

Believe me when I say that I've went through the last 27 years in the last 5 months trying to think where I missed something, I mean I have no clue. There is not one time in those years where I can point and say "we had a rough patch there".


Caught, I too am sorry you have found yourself here.I'm not far behind you, been married 22 years. Is it possible (and are you ready to hear this?) that you have been living your marriage with your eyes wide shut? Obviously there has been a rough patch.

I've watched the tape to see if I knew this guy or had been at that house. Nothing. To answer the one guys question she was not drugged or drunk. Someone asked "how do you know it was 20yrs ago" because there was a date on the video while it was running.

I've never felt that our relationship was ever combative, or anything like that.

The sad thing is, that this could be just about anyone. Old friend, old boyfriend, co-worker, church friend... random guy. This is why it's important to find out.


I do want to know the truth but then again I don't. My other fear is how are my sons going to take it. Two of them are married and have wonderful spouses. They are very close to me and their mother.

You have to know the truth. The sad part is that this generally becomes a pattern for living. Either a long term affair, or generally, many affair partners. I'd be surprised if this was the only incident. I know it is hard, but the truth is freeing. Think of it like balancing your checkbook. You don't find an overdraft and say I am not going to correct it, I will just let the outstanding balance sit forever and hope it will auto-correct. It doesn't work that way.

If you are close to your kids, then you should, out of love for them, tell them. They will understand and support you.



In terms of being whimpy and letting her roll over me, i'm in a postion of authority in my profession and never in 30 years have I've been described as whimpy. I have went through some of our old crates and boxes to see if there were any clues. Nothing.

except marriage isn't a profession and she's not an employee. We all (us betrayed spouses ) generally find ourselves in a quandry that is nearly unescapable when we find out our spouse has been unfaithful. normal rules don't apply anymore.

I apologize if I'm coming off defensive but this is hard!

it *is* hard. But it gets easier as you work the MB plan and face this head on.

CV