BH here. Discovered WWs emotional affair about a month ago. Had been suspicious for awhile (1-2 months) but the affair came out when I logged into her gmail account and discovered several old chat discussions between her and the OM.

WW and OM had been "in" the EA for maybe a little over 2 months before I discovered it. They are coworkers. We have been married for just 11 months, but have been together for almost 10 years (high school sweethearts). Since the affair has come to light we have both been struggling to figure out how to handle it. More than anything, I want to make our marriage work and I told her I was not going to lose her. Over that time period she has come clean on everything though the timeline is still a bit fuzzy (I believe her when she says she doesn't really remember the exact timeline). At the same time, I know she still struggles to to be open and honest with me, whether that is out of shame or just being unsure of our marriage.

In any case, she put in her 2 weeks notice at work today, so NC begins in 2 weeks. However, she has been pretty diligent in not talking to him and trying to end it. She did confess to me that she didn't want to quit, she didn't feel ready to give up the relationship with the OM, and she wasn't sure that we could make our marriage work and get it back to where it was when we were happy. One of the main issues she felt was that she needed more space to herself (which she will have now that she will be unemployed for awhile), but I worry she wants a separation too. In her mind, our marriage is looking pretty bleak, but I also know she doesn't want a divorce and she doesn't want to give up the OM.

I have been supportive of her feelings up until recently when I've become more assertive on her laying out her boundaries and it looks like we may have a shot here. We are going to couples counseling soon, but once again, she doesn't seem very committed to any of this, even though she does seem sincere in cutting off contact with OM.

Things are still pretty fresh, but I was wondering if anyone out there might have some advice or maybe could just let me know there is some hope for us. All I want is to make it work with her. I know I've had weak moments in our relationship in the past, so I don't blame her for being weak, I just want her to correct the mistakes and give us a chance. Any thoughts are appreciated.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, erut. You've come to a good place.

This is flawed thinking. Your WW obviously had enough space to herself to completely up-end your marriage. I would suggest that she needs less 'space' and more time alone with you to repair and rebuild your marriage. This is Undivided Attention for the two of you that is critical to the health of your marriage.

How many hours of UA time would you say you and your WW spend together each week? I don't mean watching TV or other types of 'parallel play' time where your focus is consistently on something else. I mean time together where your focus is on each other.

Dr. Harley, the owner of this site, recommends 25 - 30 hours each week to recover from an affair.

If she really, really needs 'space', go to the library and let her go into the fiction section while you go into the non-fiction section. I'm not being facetious, erut. Your marriage cannot afford the independent behavior that comes from having 'space'.

That's the thing. We actually have lots of UA time together. Several hours each night and some in the morning.

100% of her emotional affair occurred at work. She never saw this guy outside of the office except when they would go places at lunch and maybe a few minutes after work. She was feeling smothered by me I think (she had reason to, I was going through a depression and was solely relying on her for comfort), and one of the things she said about the relationship with the OM is that she was able to feel like a couple, but also like she was her own person at the same time. She's a very independent woman but she loves very deeply when she's in love.

I'm not trying to make excuses for her, I just want to do what's best for us to get past this and the whole personal space issue is kind of a big topic between us recently, even before the EA. It's a fine line and I'm not certain how to walk it.

May I ask what you do together during this time?

Do you have children?

Is this OM married??

Please be aware that as long as there is ANY contact at all....the affair continues and I wouldn't believe a WORD of this "diligent in not talking with him" balogney...

Do you have GPS on her car?

Often times waywards want to have "closure" to the relationship = an excuse to hook up for sex. You need to be watching her like a hawk right now...

I am always VERY suspcious of a WS admitting to an EA when it is a workplace affair, has been going on for a number of months and there is plenty of opportunity for the affair to go physical. If you read the article I will be linking for you below, Dr Harley explains how once the ENs of intimate conversation are met to the point that it reaches the romantic threshold, wanting to meet the needs of affection and SF becomes irrestistible.

I would ask for a polygraph (there is info on this in the Operation Investigation forum). If she is withholding anything from you about this affair, she will stay foggy.


Nope, your WW had an affair because she believes it is OK to have opposite sex friendships and doesn't take precautions to prevent others from meeting her ENs, namely, intimate conversation.

Please read this: LINK

The fact that your WW had an affair so early into the M is worrisome. She will need to radically change her behavior, give up male friends and give up her independent behavior.

Have you exposed this affair to anyone?

To answer some questions, no we don't have kids. I haven't exposed the affair to anyone. I haven't gpsed her car or anything. She has given me access to all of her accounts though. And to make matters worse the OM is married and his wife is 9 months pregnant. His marriage is extremely unhappy and he was the pursuer in this affair which is why my wife HD to quit her job. He wasn't going to stop pursuing her for anything.

Yes my wife did not have get boundaries set properly for avoiding thus situation. She was going to him to fulfill her EAs and she didn't think it would lead where it did. She has always had male friends so she thought it would be ok.

Yes this all happened soon after marriage. Butwe have been together for 10 years and only lived together for 1.5 years now. I'm pretty confident things haven't gotten physical because she has been very straightforward and honest with me t times, plus she has never been a very sexual person. On top of all that, our relationship has been pretty good. Sex has been great, wears still best friends, and we talkvery openly with each other when do talk. I can read her very well still. I think we really have a chance toget through this.

You understand the habits you and your wife established due to living together has not helped this situation? Have you read Surviving an Affair to understand how your wife is addicted to either OM or the feeling she gets with this OM? He is meeting particular needs and you need to understand exactly how he met those needs.

Your Plan A needs to master the needs he met in order to be the best choice for her to engage in Marital Recovery.

From reading your post I see both of you engaging in Independent Behavior and other means that are destroying the foundation of your marriage.

Once this AFFAIR is dead in the water, which means FULL NUCLEAR EXPOSURE must be completed by the both of you, then you can start marital recovery.

I suggest reading this article: Curse of premarital cohabitation

I also suggest reading Dr. Harley's Lovebusters and His Needs Her Needs to understand how your lifestyle can be improved FOR OPTIMAL MARRIAGE COMPATIBILITY.

Typically we just talk. Uninterrupted by TV Or anything. We have always been great with our communication.

QFT. My FWH explained it as being an 'escalation' - they had to have more and more of the 'drug' - first flirting, then lunches, then drinks, then 'mutually stimulating each other', then protestations of love....followed by intercourse. He said they had to keep amping up the affair to get the same 'high'.

Makes me want to throw up to think about it, but if it helps you to understand what Susie is saying, I'll bring it up. (His explanation, not the bile. )

I'll bet you a lot of money that this extreme unhappiness is news to his pregnant wife.

it is. I debate calling her at times. I feel bad for her. WW says he will probably leave her at some point no matter what the outcome of this EA

I'm sorry, erut - I just can't believe this one is still used AND BELIEVED by the affair partner. I think we can all agree that you can't read her as well as you thought you could, yes?

Are you formally married, or are the two of you living together?

I think I caught it pretty early before it could escalate. I know there is no way to know, but WW and I were each others firsts. I don't think this is something she would lie about or could do even if she wanted.

Sure, there's a way to know. Polygraph. If she's sincere in wanting to recover your M she'll take one.

Understand one thing, erut: WAYWARDS LIE. It's what they do. They have ONLY their own best interests in mind, and it doesn't include their spouse.

we are formally married. And I'm not naive. I know she flirted back. She has always been that way. I am confident that she honestly didn't think she would develop feelings though

If you want to save your marriage you have to let the other man's wife know about their EA.

Show your wife you are fighting for her. Show her you are willing to stand up and fight for your marriage.

This affair will be dead by the morning, and your wife will always know, "I cannot EFF around with my husband because he will unleash a can of whoopazz. He fought for me. YEAH!!!"

I won't debate that with you, because it's beside the point, isn't it?

Drunk drivers don't mean to kill the people they hit, either. Yet the consequences of their poor decisions are still catastrophic.

Yep. Imagine MY surprise after D-Day, when I learned that my marriage was over and had been for some time. That was news to me.