I have maintained a strict NC with OMW for some reason. Aside when she informed me of what she saw on video and subsequent call a month later when she threatened to facebook everyone we know with the news, we have not spoken at all.

I know that she should be available to let me know if she suspects something but thankfully I have no inclination to believe my wife has any interest in seeing OM.

I have no alterior motive than to see how she is doing mentally. Dont care one darn about how she is punishing OM, I know he is in he11 because he lost my wife and is stuck with OMW and his other girlfriend. My wife by far is the best of them all.

In fact, if it came to a conversation Id set the rules that 1) we dont discuss the A and any way, 2) we dont mention our spouses at all, and 3) we are never to meet in person.

Im a nice guy. I do the right thing in most cases. This woman had acknowledged mental issues for years. They maxed our there medical deduction on their taxes every year with her shrinks and medication. I simply would like to hear that she is turning the corner on recovery as I feel like I have.

This is all. I will not send the email.

I sometimes wonder about OM2's kids. They had it far worse after Dday than we did. I just don't want the contact or the possibility of more drama. They were all pre-teen and below... their mom exposed every single detail to them in a very age-inappropriate way.


CV

I actually didnt even think of their baby who we adored. Love to hear how she's doing.

I read the thread that Hurting Turkey wrote and its a wrenching story of deep sadness that upset me. Although his story is one of relationship problems going back many years, the hurt he has is with him all the time today.

It gave a lot of us the chance to reflect on the change in our marriages that we never asked for nor deserved.

It also had some of the finest motivational posts from many people.

I shared one of them with my wife because it meant a lot to me. It talks about the lost innocence of marriage caught up with infidelity. He wrote about how this is now a part of who we are. I have been thinking about that a lot even as my wife is doing everything to make me move forward from it.

We talked about the post from HoldHerHand. It was written so well that we spent the night talking about it and our future. The last paragraph: "It begins with that 1 spouse who in a flash of desperation lifts the burning wreckage and frees the other spouse from the hell they are trapped in. It begins with that one spouse who begins marching through the flames, with a hand extended, refusing to burn any longer - I will not burn, and you can CHOOSE to come with me."

It was like from a movie. I told her SHE was the 1. SHE was the one who picked up the burning wreckage, not me the BH. And it was because of her strength to make us better that we are indeed moving forward.

I have chosen to come with HER.

I don't enjoy being a superhero. Heroes in our game here get bad feelings and are expected to do nothing about them. Bury them. Move on. The villians don't seem to have it as bad. They carried on their life of crime and made us enter this world of crime fighting and our only weapon is love.

Sometimes a nice extended lambasting would hit the spot. But that would counter the months of love goodwill built up. Doesn't seem fair. Id like some equity in this.

Mike, thanks for sharing that quote. Made me totally tear up. In my situation, it was me, the BS, walking through the fire, extending my hand.

Some days, I still flake off a bit of burnt flesh, but the scars are healing.

Thanks for sharing it!!!

I agree. I don't like it either.


I'd like to tear POSOM up some times. Some times, I day dream about verbally belittling her, because she's not well educated. It's my best weapon against her whorishly fun body that attracted my FWH. I have skewered her many, many times with language ... but all in my head. Maybe someday, if I ever run into that POSOW, I'll whip out one of those tongue-lashings and rip her to shreds. As opposed to my usual tongue-tied stammering!

Sorry, I am a huge Spider-Man fan. It brings the story to mind. Guilt, shame, embarrassment, regret and sometimes anger. These are the motivators for Peter to live out the "with Great Power Comes Great Responsibility" motto that runs throughout the series.

Villains are never plagued by these things. This is what makes heroes great. One failure and average men are thrust into extra-ordinary circumstances.

It shows us that as the Irish Statesman, Edmund Burke, said "all that is required for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing."

Doing the right thing is rarely ever comfortable. It rarely gets you a pat on the back. We all just want to live normal lives, but if we don't stand (BS's and FWW's even)... Who will?

A heroes life is thankless and one of constant restraint. And we have a limited power-set. Yes, it is only love, compassion and grace.

Me? I'm no hero. I'm an average joe thrown into an extraordinary circumstance. I fail, get up and try again (hey, kinda like Spidey). But that's not heroic, that's all of life isn't it? There is no such thing as equity in this life, this side of heaven.

Personally, I am glad for the opportunity to have been my FWW's "hero", and have the opportunity to help others. I cannot imagine my wife being helped along years down the road, by someone else, because I failed at recovering, or helping her along in her recovery. I *want* to be that hero. I love her that much. It was my promise to her when I promised "for worse". It's easy to live the "for better" part. It's the "for worse" that molds us and defines us as men and women.

Sorry for the speech. It's been in my heart and mind today. I could go on, but I'll stop here

CV

The superpower of the hero here in Infidelity World is the ability to swallow pride and eat the anger which simmers in the BS.

If that's the life I ( we) face, I have doubts. Maybe spidey had his doubts too.

Not having a great 24 hours.

Not having a great 24 hours.

But you did have. And recently.

Roller coaster......damped spring system......recovery of the marriage.....highs and lows......

Breathe, kiddo. Be proud that three months ago a day like today for you would have left FWW crying. Not any longer. Not for you.....

Mike,

I feel for ya man. My heart is with you. I've been here in infidelity world. *That* is not our ability. I don't want to be proud. I want to be humble. I want to be firm, but gentle. Anger? Anger is not always a sin. But the question is "what are we really angry about?"

Recovery, real recovery comes as we learn to focus that anger at the problem and not the person. Get angry? OK. It's good. focus that anger into overcoming the problem. Focus that energy into something good and healthy.

It is hard when our spouses fall. We often realize how much of a pedestal we have put them on... Made an idol of them.

I had a professor in seminary tell me a number of years back "Be careful what you make idols out of, God brings idols down".

Boy was that true for me.

Hang in there man.

CV

Ship righted for now.

I will say that my greatest success so far is that my kids have no idea of the internal strife Im still facing.

Im sure its not the greatest testament to MB, but everytime I have my 'lows', what keeps me balanced, what keeps me from jumping of the bridge, what keeps me coming home every night, is the thought of not being around my kids everyday.

The truth is I love the SF my wife has brought to our bed and I love the affection and the UA is awesome. Im feeling an attraction to her not felt in many, many years. But the thoughts careening thru my head at times can shift my love to other things not conducive to recovery in a heartbeat. The anger triggered by these thoughts seems almost like it will never subside.

At this point, the only thing that really keeps my here is my children. Cant argue with the truth.

Which if true makes me a user. Makes me someone using my wifes body for sexual gratification. Makes me a lot like her AP. Not 100% sure if the creator of this program would approve of the way Im running my recovery.

I am believer in that time will continue to heal my wounds, however. I am also a believer in that the SF Im enjoying added to mountains of UA time and other recreational activities will continue to heal my wounds.

A couple of weeks shy of 5 months since dday one fact seems immutable: her A will have a prominent position in my head for a long, long time.

I hear ya. I know that I cycled through a whole range of feelings and emotions. One minute I couldn't keep my hands off of W, the next I was wretching at the thought of what they did and didn't even want to think of her. Sometimes I couldn't stand looking at my kids and contemplated leaving for them. It all balances out over time. We BS's have this girl that hangs with us all the time... Abby.. Abby Normal... She affects us in almost every way until the roller coaster comes to a stop.

I constantly told my W that I didn't want sf because I felt like I was using her. Sometimes she saw it, sometimes she didn't. It was opportunity for us to talk and learn and grow.

I feel like I could've written this same post...

I long for the day when the pain of what happened, and knowing it can never be undone, goes away.

My children only see or know 10% of what a srtuggle it'as been, although both have talked about their concern about my physical status since dday. I believe they do know, however, that they have been my main source of energy in the fight to end the affair and save my marriage.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Heard from OMW.

One of my best friends who was a partner of OM and who introduced us to them years ago has learned of the A.

I dont speak much to him anymore for any number of reasons but him not knowing of the A was something I liked. She said she is having difficulty with OM and wanted to knock him "down a peg". Not sure how this does it other than the fact that my friend, too, was a WS who lost everything in his life. In fact, OM and my friend were partners during my friends A and would rip him for not working and spending his day at hotels with his girlfriend. Ironic, actually.

I guess OMW felt OM's holier than thou attitude towards my friend's affair need to be adjusted.

My friend has not called me since learning this but now I suspect several other people I had no desire to know about the A will now know.

Im very embarassed for my wife and me.

Never ends.

Mike:

You have NOTHING to be embarrassed about. Unlike millions of people who live in horrible marriages that are crippled by adultery, you and your FWS have slain that monster, and now have a marriage to be proud of. Your friend who lost everything? He knows this obviously.

Concentrate on the wins in your column!

Cheers,
Sweetpea

Thanks.

Spoke to another friend today who himself was a WS and knows of the A. Told him that our friend knows now and he said that 2 years later people are finding out about his cheating.

As his wife said, its part of us forever.

Truth from a BS.

Mike:

Yup, it is part of your life forever. Will be part of mine, too, and I never asked for it. Was faithful. Loving. Supportive.

It sucks to think about it. I mean really think about his affair.

I'm waaaaaay better when I think about the work we've done since his affair and how it has strengthened our marriage. That's what I cling to in order to move forward.

Could that be of help to you? To focus on telling people what a godsend MB is and move the convo from YOUR life to theirs? Talk about how your life is now, not during affair or the horror right afterward.

Just some thoughts. Good luck!
Sweetpea

I just see the sadness in my wife's eyes when she detects me entering a low moment and I know she realizes that our life is forever changed. We love each other and thanks to the great advice here we have become a much better couple.

Next week is 5 months since dday and light years from where my head was just a few months ago.

And I too spend my time thinking about us since dday and how great things have become. The truth is I cant even think about life before dday. I dont even like looking at pictures taken over the years she was doing her thing.

We are doing OK.

Children, particularly, remember the fallout from their parents' affairs vividly. I still strongly dislike my mother -- even though I choose to care for her -- twenty-three years after her affair. And today, we barely have any contact as she's done little to repair her Love Bank balance. I think our relationship would have been in much better shape had she chosen to repair the marriage she was in rather than divorce my dad and marry her affair partner.