There's another one.

For the love of GOD listen to the experience here.

Don't act on it? That is your choice, but keep reading.

In the same way your WW thinks her A is so unique? YOU also think your situation is unique and it just is not. It's painfully cookie-cutter, OK?

Keep posting. I am pulling for you once you see that there is a way to save your marriage...or the best shot.

Arrrghhh!

Appreciate the advice. I assure you it's not lost on me. Understand that it is a lot to handle though.

It might be, except for that one pesky thing that you need to understand: WAYWARDS LIE.

My FWH said it was only mutual stimulation. He coughed up the intercourse part two days later. After he realized I wanted a polygraph. And that there was another person who knew the facts (the OW) and was in a position to talk. He knew the truth would eventually come out.

PLEASE process it.

"I think she is planning on doing the NC letter next week before she leaves the job. It's pretty much out of both of our hands until that point, but I know their contact has been minimal as of recent."

You "think" she is "planning" a NC letter "as far as you know"? What the h-ll does that mean? Not being hard on you Eru, but these statements are just mind-boggling. You've gotta get in the lead here, my man.

MB friends: I'm late to this. Have we not even talked exposure?

Ok, yeah I was being vague. She has agreed to NC, but we haven't discussed the letter yet, but I plan on making a point to have her write one. It is only an idea I have recently read (stumbled on this site yesterday so still getting my stuff together on everything).

Surfer, I brought it up about three hours ago, but we've been so involved in getting him to acknowledge the importance of the affair on their marriage that I think it got lost in the shuffle.

There hasn't been any exposure outside of our close friends. I kind of thought that should be a last resort (next to separation and D).

Why do you want to enable her affair by hiding it? That's very counterproductive to your desire to save your marriage. Which one do you want: to hide your wife's affair or save your marriage?

erut,

read on the situation of some other men. You start to see many similarities.

My advice comes from personal experience, not just experience on these boards.

My WXW told me MANY lies. Among them:

"It's just innocent online flirting."
"You're not going to find anything because I never did anything."
"I just want to make male friends."
"I never met with anyone."

Truth:

I put a keylogger on the computer. Found her myspace messages to tons of other men. None of them were innocent. Found out she went on 5 dates with 5 different men. One for sure got physical. I suspect one other was a kiss.

My snooping was met with tons of resistance. The lines I just listed to you were often shouted to me.

I know it's a lot to process, especially after 10 years. The emotional impact of an affair is the equivalent to rape. Yes, it is that shocking.

We've all dealt with the weight loss, loss of apetite, constant sick feelings, and dread. We've carried that weight in our chest.

I can tell you with 100% conviction that not having kids makes you a very lucky man. You can walk away from this woman and never speak to her again for as long as you live.

I have to deal with my ex all the time. I don't feel emotions about he anymore, but it's like being around someone you fing gross because your work demands that you do so but you'd otherwise having nothing to do with the person.

That's the mother of my children I'm speaking about. I once loved her, cared for her, felt warmth towards her, and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

The greatest realization I've had in my healing is that the greatest cliche about relationships has soooo much truth in it.

There is nothing you have with your wife right now that you can't have, and likely improve or have better, with another woman.

There is a very telling thing about your situation. Living together before marriage is a recipe for divorce. You went out for a loooooong time before you got married. My guess is that she married you out of a feeling of "it just seemed like the next step."

She was likely already unhappy about some things, thinking they might change after getting married. She got married, found out that nothing was going to change, and then sought whatever was missing in the arms (or bed) of another man.

Step back and stop idealizing your marriage. No, not all was great. There's probably tons of things you were blind to as problem areas in your relationship.

There was obviously something missing for her to go seek it out with another man.

Also, don't demonize the other man and make him out to be the predator that set his sights on your helpless little wife.

It takes conscious thought to drop your panties for someone.

We know this hurts. Trust us, we know.

But if you wish to save your marriage, then the steps to take are defined and limited and they suck to do.

IF WW is pushing ahead with leaving job, and......
IF she agrees to undergo a polygraph, and......
IF you have all pertinent information about the A, and......
IF she is fully on board with repairing the damage she has caused, and......
IF you get access to all e-mail, cell records, etc......

MAYBE there can be no more exposure, except.......

POSOM's BW MUST be told. This is common decency by YOU to someone who needs to know what her WH was capable of, and protect herself in the future. Seriously this cannot be debated.

Exactly. Hide = enable.

Did you read my herion analogy in your own words? Do you think that's a hyperbolic example? It is not. It is a direct comparison of behavior to a drug or alcohol addiction. Help her.

You can't do that with the fear of "pi--ing her off" any more than you can help a drug addict by fear of their rage.

Just saw your response about exposure:

No, it isn't a last resort. It's the first step to killing the affair.

Exposure brings the affair out of secrecy.

But the big drawback for you is that there are no kids, so there really is no family to save and keep a home together for. She may just leave after exposure.

Either way, exposure will end the affair. OM will likely drop your wife immediately after exposure because he does have a wife with a kid on the way.

Your WW is his plaything for now. His real wife and his child are what probably matter most to him. Therefore, he'll drop your wife as soon as you expose.

Keep in mind that it is HER actions that led to this. Bringing out the truth is never wrong nor is it vindictive.

"POSOM's BW MUST be told. This is common decency by YOU to someone who needs to know what her WH was capable of, and protect herself in the future. Seriously this cannot be debated."


QFT: put yourself in her position.

You are getting a lot of direction here. Not for the weary and the weak. To save this completely save-able M you are going to have to get your bullet-proof gear on, suit up and go to work. You are at war, man. You will have to lead to a recovered marrige, and you can.

Will you? WE know you can, but will you?

Listen!

Well. I have 4 of those 5. Haven't ever even considered a polygraph. But good to know that things are salvageable. I have OMWs cell number. She is due very soon though (within a couple weeks). Think I may wait to tell her so there is no risk to her child.

Ironically, accepting that the marriage is lost and that you have nothing to lose by following the advice given is what is going to increase your chances in saving it by following the advice.

Taking the attitude of, "I have nothing to lose and I deserve better than this" will increase your chances since it's a lot more attractive than "Honey, I will do as you wish and not upset you even after you've admitted to being physical with another man (just a kiss )."

We getting through to you?

Also, don't warn about exposure. Just do it. Warning gives the lovers a chance to spin things. Imagine this scenario:

WW to OM: "BH knows and is threatening to tell your wife if I don't stop talking to you."

OM to his BW: "There is this woman at work who has a crazy and jealous husband who thinks that she's sleeping with me. Isn't that stupid? She says he wants to call you and tell you that she's having an affair. Don't believe it. He's nuts. I feel sorry for her to have to deal with that kind of crazy."

DUDE READ THE OTHER THREAD...You must end this affair!

Also, did you realize that what if the OM is sleeping around on his betrayed wife AND your ww what that could mean? That means he could be giving your wife goodness knows what as in std. That ALSO means, this woman, the betrayed wife carrying the baby of the OM HAS NOT ONLY HER LIFE AT RISK BUT THAT OF THE UNBORN BABY TOO. Std's can harm babies severely.

So she has A RIGHT to know that her health could be in danger and so could the health of her baby too. And YOUR HEALTH too.

Did you think of that? Have you considered this? Trust me. I went down this road and had to go into my doc's office and (he was a friend of mine) and have him draw my blood and screen me for every std known to man..and woman.

the betrayed wife deserves to know the truth so she can protect herself and the baby FROM POSOM AND YOUR WW. Your ww has HARMED this woman too.

If you seriously think this hasn't gone physical, then I have beachfront property in Arizona to sell you sir. It has a gorgeous view of the snorkeling lagoon.