Do you want a plan that has the best possibility of saving your marriage or would you like to leave and show back up her in a few years and say that you are now ready to follow the plans?

You are in the driver's seat here and it seems like you are scared that what you do may make him leave. You should be more afraid that there are things that you DON'T do that will end with your marriage in a divorce.

Set your recovery bar HIGH and don't back down. You don't want to suffer a false recovery. False recoveries are harder to get over than the initial affair.

Amen Sista Scotty!

Bravo!

Now listen to the good woman above and let's get this affair kilt! (I'm from the south)

Hurt --

It sounds like you ARE doing some things -- you just haven't told us.
It helps us to help you, if you give us the whole story.

When people ask you questions, its helpful if you respond to them. Maritalbliss asked you 6 days ago whether or not you confirmed that OW was no longer working there. And we are just now finding out that you did. Thats great!
It would have been even greater to know that happened when it happened. Then posters won't give up on you.

If you had posted your list of requirements, we could have helped you define and explain those requirements to your husband. We could have helped you deliver them in a way that made it clear that he doesn't get to resist or negotiate.

You're definitely welcome to come here and vent -- but please make sure you are reading and responding too.

thanks, i was a little upset yesterday, i know i am not always posting well on here, i have been posting mainly from my smartphone so i have been kind of limited in posting, but i am able to get on the computer more now. I keep trying to keep calm about the situation, but i keep having angry outurst myself and i don't know how to control them. Yesterday i got in the car in left for half an hour, i didn't say a word i just left. As I said earlier my WH has anger issues so i feel like i never get a chance to be angry about this, situiaon. I do know my husband and he is very good at shutting people out so whe ne says he has ended it with OW yes i do believe him. But I did call his work to verify for myself. He had also told me he was looking for a new job the past couple months since she had not left, i did not know this, but he said he did not want to continue being around her. As I stated I spoke to the ow AND SHE DID NOTwant to end the relationship, she said to me "I won't contact him anymore if you dont want me to". WH said she still wanted to be friends after the PA which is why they were still communiicating after the PA. I dont know many OW but she was very cold indeed. said she did this to me because she was in my shoes once and wanteed to do this to someone else. I believe she is mentally disturbed which does concern me that she may try to contact WH again, although he has told her he doesn't want to see or talk to her ever again. I expressed my concern for running into her out and about. wh DOESN'T believe it is a big deal, but she lives 5 minutes away, how can that not always be int he back of my mind. I wish I could say moving was an easy option, but it is not an immidiate solution, though i have expressed my desire for for WH to continue to look for a job else where at the the other side of the metro area, i don't forsee us moving awaay from my family but some distance would give me more peace. so sorry for the darn typos..

Of course that will always be on your mind. With an OW that close, and not giving up, there are MANY chances that contact could happen. ANd you can't trust a wayward to be honest.

Have you thought about putting a GPS on his car? Have all numbers been changed? email addys? FB accounts combined to ONE?

See, I knew my husband too, but this wayward man he became, he is nothing like the man I married. He lies, he cheats and he is MEAN. My DH is lost, and WH has taken his place. You can't KNOW what your WH will do, because this "man" isn't the man you married until he earns his F.

mama, this is always going to eat at you, and you'll constantly be worried that they've 'bumped into' each other. This won't do. Please don't minimize the importance of getting away from there. It's for the safety of your marriage and family.

If you lived next door to a toxic waste dump, would you waffle over whether or not to get your family out of there?

mama, you already know that WH can look you in the eye and lie. Trust only what you can verify. Looking for signs is not a reliable method for ensuring NC is in place. Has anyone mentioned that waywards LIE...and they get even better at it once caught?

If I could do anything differently, I would have put a VAR/GPS in his car and a key logger on his computer. I would have found that secret e-mail account 3 months sooner, realized that he had a secret phone, and saw that they were still meeting.

The other posters are right - you need to move! You will both be triggered by running into her and even by driving past her house. It will also be a flag if the gps shows him in that part of town after you have moved.

Hang in there. Proudly do whatever you have to do to kill this.

okay major development today, found out wh has an alternate email, but dont have the password. I am irate right now. He swore he didnt use this account anymore but i found a pic he sent himself in all mail, just of the kids, but i checked to see if i could reset it and the email said no because it had been active in the past 24 hours. Funny thing i tried calling him at work yesterday and it took a while for him to answer, but he said he was on the work computer playing games since it was slow. He has not been using the home computers at all these days.What should i do now?

Certainly this is kind of the way it goes. Your latest development is par for the course more often than it is not.
Waywards lie about ending their affairs so that they can continue to have a wife and girlfriends on the side.

You plan A and snoop like crazy some more.

I wouldn't tell him I found his secret second email account right now. Make him complacent and snoop more, more, more.

Plan A while you are doing it. No disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts, demands (later, you will get to state your boundaries about infedelity continuing).

It is tough stuff. You will need to be brave and crafty to get through it.

Get on Operation Investigate forum below Surviving an Affair Forum under Infidelity here at MB.

LEARN all you can about snooping and if you have the $, hire a good PI to track wh down during a meeting with the ow. Get photo and video that way too.

DO you have a VAR in the car and hidden somewhere in the house where he might most likely call the posow?

You need to hear and find out what is going on. Also is there a keylogger installed on his computer? If not it needs to be on there NOW.

Snoop. Then Expose. While at the same time, meeting ENs and not committing any LBs. Get an IM lined up, write a Plan B letter. Get everything you need ready to separate from your WH, and get ready for Plan B. In short, Plan A. Both Carrot AND stick.

This is really hard, and it can get a lot harder but MB really is the best place for you at a time like this.

Look at my siggy. I have been in Plan B, separated from my WH for alomst 2 YEARS, and I am still suggesting you follow these plans. Even Peachy's marriage to her XWH ended and she is advocating these plans, because it is the best chance you have and you will wind up better either way.

Okay I am just failing miserably here. I am honestly questioning whether I can remain in the marriage. WH is all but given up on ME, this A is eating at every inch of my soul and it shows. I am becoming so ugly and vile to be around, I don't know what to do. I am going to go read the angry outbursts thread, but honestly I don't know if I can keep this up much longer, I wear my emotions on my sleeve, and it is so hard to be nice to someone when they have hurt you so deeply. His current project, writing all our assets and value so they can be more easily divided in the D...He threatened separation and to make it public on facebook, and I called his bluff so he decided not to do that. We have both become so bitter toward each other it feels like there is zero hope for this marriage. Wondering if I should just give up already, I have already wasted so much time getting to the truth of the A, I don't think I can continue this ride emotionally. I know it is still early after the A being revealed but I just cannot forsee us getting through this in this moment.

okay 2 more things i forgot to post earlier this afternoon. I was searching public records and saw that OW filed for her D to her X the same day that My WH car settlement case was filed. WH has been talking about this with work friends and WH described OW as money hungry, yet he didn't piece together that she may being seeing $$ when he talks of a big settlement. He always said they were 'just friends' he wasn't her type because he wasn't wealthy...Both cases were also filed within the week of my babies birth.

Another thing, why is WH so depressed? He is missing work and that honestly is angering me even more that he is here, almost provoking fights by mopeing around the house being unhelpful with the kids/house and his parents are coming in less than a week and he is not making money at work/trying (he works on commision)? He was planning on missing quite a bit for his parents visit and with him not making much the past couple weeks and then their trip we had to pay for, our savings is going to run dry. How do I encourage him to be more motivated about life despite all our problems?

It is tough, tough, tough stuff!
He is fairly much spot on wayward script and you are spot on betrayed spouse script.
I say that so you know it is being human and feeling what any human would be feeling.
Do your best to be pleasant and plan A and prepare to go to plan B very soon.
Study up on it and plan it.
Since WH is writing assets and values, bat your eyes and tell him you would feel "less vulnerable in this situation if you had a year's living expenses in your name only" (not sure what assets you two have but state a large chunk of it.) Say it nicely and sweetly and see if he gets it to you to put in your name only.

Plan for your plan B and skidattle to it soon.

Just to tell you another script wayward thing that happens to many.....men often go wayward during and shortly after pregnancy/birth of a child. It is a time when the wife is vulnerable and unable to meet as many emotional needs. It sucks.

Lots of waywards have problems at work too.

So. Plan A as best as you can and prepare to go to plan B. Plan A is much easier to do knowing you will soon be in the safely of sequestering yourself from the madness and cruelty front row.

my wh is a sex addict it is becoming quite clear. I tried hard to hold it in but told him that i new about his fake account. Of course he went straight and deleted everything, but i went back and was able to restore all contacts. At least 7 or 8 are local women, one was on his chat with the video icon. I am taking very drastic measures right now. I am doing things I never thought i would. I am going in the am to get a semi permanent form of bc wh doesn't know aobut. I then going to a support person and we are going to divise a plan to possibly start contacting these local women. Any advice on that? I have a few other options, but it is getting down to the wire because the in laws are coming soon...

i have no way of knowing when he contacted these women or what for but my first priority is starting with the people that were on chat with him. I cannot believe what is happening right now and I am honestly thinking the more I find the harder it is going to be to remain in this marriage.

Mama,

I'm a bit worried about the impending visit from your in-laws. With all you are going thru and will be going thru over the next few days, I worry that you will have a hard time covering things up while they are there and that only adds to your stress. They will know when they walk in that something is just not right. They may even think they are the cause of the tension they sense in your home.

Why not call them to let them know what is going on so they can make an informed choice as to whether or not to make the trip. Unless you think they will be supportive to both of you, having them there could make things worse, especially if you put everything on hold until after they leave. This is not something you would be doing out of selfishness, but out of self-preservation after experiencing the worst trauma dealt to you.

Take care of yourself. I know the pain and how hard it is but also know how important it is to try to eat, sleep and nurture yourself.

i wish we could postpone the visit, but this trip has been planned for months, the inlaws are from overseas and we cannot delay, they are already flying here (24hour trip) as i type.


New development, I found a graphic photo of OW and WH dated from over a year ago. WH said it was a few month fling, when really it was a 1 1/2 year PA and EA. He is starting to open up to me, but I just hate that I have to find out all these things rather than he come clean from the get go. They had unprotected sex in the first month, but since have used condoms. WH is finally going to get tested for stds on tuesday. He explained that the last few months prior to the affair ending that OW gave him an ultimatim, to choose between us and they had beguan fighting and growing apart and he had grown careless which is how i found the condoms. He said he had explored the idea of swinging with the OW and that is why he was chatting on online sites, but that they never pursued it because OW was not interested. I suppose we will be full fledged in plan A and his parents visit is forcing me to be a good wife whether i want to be or not. I am very concerned for my sanity and may see a dr. to get some type of medication for my anxiety. He said when they started fighting (around when OW filed for her D) he started looking for another job, which I do remember him going to job fairs, and it was very out of the blue because he does very well at his current job.

We have received a lot of the MB books and WH has begun reading them, but in all honesty I have tried to start reading a couple but it is still just too painful so I feel like for the next month while the inlaws are here WH and I will just try to be together as a family, try to spend time out on dates while Inlaws keep the kids. Once they leave, I think we both will have a better feel for where this marriage is headed. Perhaps the initial shock will where off.

Yesterday felt like D day all over again when I found the photo and confronted him. Finding out that it was such a long drawn out thing was earth shattering. It felt like he cheated on me again.

Oh, ugh, mama. I hate that you've had to go through this! Trickle truth is horrible! The wayward does not understand what this does to a betrayed spouse. They've got this standard line that they 'don't want to hurt' the spouse with the details. Talk about the tail wagging the dog! If they didn't want to 'hurt their spouse' they shouldn't have had the affair in the first place!

mama, I don't know if you've seen this yet, but I would suggest you copy and paste this letter into a Word doc. Print it and give it to your WH to read. Maybe it will help him to understand the importance of getting the truth out in one big swoop. It will probably be painful for HIM to have to acknowledge his pathetic activities, but it is beneficial to YOU.

Joseph's Letter:

"To Whomever,

"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."

Thinking of visitijg a lawyer next week. I am going mad. Should I confront the ow again now that more truth comes out? Eh had sex photos of them together on a dating site he was looking for swinging wtf? He said she didn't know. Anyway he deleted the account but I saved the photos...not that I want to see my eh having unsafe sex with the ow but maybe for evidence. Did I mention I hate wh? And playing hostess to his parents for a month is driving me nuts. My bday is Wednesday blah who cares this all really sucks. Wh says he wants to stay but is doing nothing to proove it. Saying he loves me isnt enough. I also believe he is emotionally abusive to me and I hate it u don't know how he can change without trying.