I recently found out my husband had an affair of over 8 months. After an initial seperation of a month, we decided to try and save our marriage.

The other woman is pregnant though and the baby is going to be born on 25 November. She only told him about 6 weeks ago, and by my calculations she should have been pregnant over 20 weeks by that time. She told me the doctors told her she will never be able to get a baby again (she has a 13year old son) and it took 3 doctors to find out. I feel she has been lying. What woman over 30 will not know you are pregnant for so long?

I do not know what to do about the baby. My husband says he will not do anything without my approval. Should we go to the hospital when she has the baby? I know he does not want to abandon the child as it is not the baby's fault.
We have an adorable 4 year old daughter. What should I tell her? When should I tell her? What does a person do? I hate that woman and I am not prepared to let my husband see her alone. I feel like I am totally obsessing. I cannot get the affair out of my mind. I think about it all the time.

I do want our marriage to work. I wasn't the perfect wife, and I do have responsibility in the failure of my marriage. I am just still hurting and angry. I always wanted another child and my husband didn't. Now he has one with another woman.
How do I fix this?

Adele, don't have much time to post now, but FIRST AND FOREMOST your H should be in COMPLETE and TOTAL NC with OW. Period. And MOST DEFINITELY neither one of you should be at the birth.

You don't even know that this baby is his. She "says" it is, but until you have DNA proof, IT IS NOT HIS.

You need to take this time to heal your marriage.

Definitely don't worry about telling your 4 yo at this point. Again, you don't even know that it's his.

Glad you want to work out your marriage. MB's principles are how you fix your marriage. Read here and post. We are here for you.

Hello Adele and welcome to MB!

I am sorry for the circumstances that bring you here. Let's start off with a couple of questions. How long have you been married? I see you have a 4 year old child, so that answers that question. How did your H meet the OW? Has he ended the affair and stopped all contact with the OW?

Watch this video from Dr. Harley on affairs with your WH
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi1001_infidelity0.html

Get the book "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Willard Harley. You can buy for a discount here at the MB bookstore http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html or try to find it at your local library.

also, listen to the clip from MB radio show about what to do when an affair results in pregnancy

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2409

As migs wisely pointed out, there is no OC in your situation until DNA proves or disproves your H to be the father. Until then he needs to cut off ALL forms of contact with the OW and you two need to focus on healing your marriage.

Adele, I am so sorry you have to join this group, but we're here for you and we can offer some very good advice based on experience. You're not alone in this.

Migs is right: most importantly, your WH should NEVER EVER see OW again--ever! No contact for life. It's crucial to your M recovery. Does your WH agree to this term?

Secondly, as far as you know, this baby is NOT your H's. If OW wants to contest this, you should make her take you to court to prove it. If she is forced to take you to court, she may back down and go away. I know your WH may want to be a good "dad" to possible OC, but right now he doesn't know for sure it's his, and having an OW in your life is NOT going to get any easier. The OC would be better off in an intact family with OW and her future spouse than in a broken home with all this drama. So your WH would be doing OC a favor by letting OW deal with OC on her own. But worst-case scenario, if DNA is established and your WH turns out to be the father, you can make it work as long as WH never has contact with OW again. That leaves your or an intermediary to handle all contact and visits. Tough, yes, but also doable (we deal with it and it's working out okay).

OW may try to rake you over the coals for child support, and she may have plans to try to seduce your WH. Protect your marriage at all costs and DO NOT give OW ANYTHING until ordered by a court to do so.

If OW does threaten to take you to court and get as much child support as possible, nowadays 50/50 arrangments are common and you could threaten that--which means that it's likely you won't be ordered to pay much child suppport. OW won't like that, but your family will be shown more stable, so she could easily lose. Again, this is a good way to deter OW from pursuing a DNA test, which until your H shows to be the father, he ISN'T!

Don't react just yet, Adele. We've got you covered in prayer and we'll help guide you down this rough path.

Adele, I am sorry this has happened to you. Dr Harley's advice is for your H to never see the child ideally because it may wreck your marriage. Which would be a disaster for your own child. Your child cannot be sacrificed for his affair child, if it is even his. You have to consider that OW are notorious liars and manipulators so you can't take her word for it.

But, PLEASE CAREFULLY READ Dr Harley's suggestions:

I am revising SAA and it should be in print sometime in 2011, and the problem you raise will be included in it. But it's particularly difficult to address because of our no-contact-with-the-ex-lover rule on the one hand, and the need of a child to have contact with their natural parents on the other. Our radio archives have more on this subject than anything I've written so far, because we've had several listeners call in with this problem, and I describe the approach I take.

As you probably already know by now, I tilt toward keeping the marriage healthy at the possible expense of the child not having adequate contact with the OM. I recommend that at the time of birth, the other man not be mentioned on the birth certificate unless he demands it. That makes your husband the legal parent of the child. If he does demand being on the birth certificate, I recommend that he pay child support until the child is 19. If the OM wants visitation, I recommend that it be done with transparency, so his own family knows what's going on. A mediator, paid by him, is to pick up and deliver the child so that you and your husband never have to have any contact with him.

In almost all cases that I've witnessed, the OM isn't willing to be named on the birth certificate, pay the child support, or make the situation known to his family. Under those conditions, I highly suggest that he not be able to visit his child until he or she is an adult. If an attempt is made, I suggest getting a restraining order. While that policy seems very rigid and uncaring toward the child, the alternatives are usually disastrous. Having an old lover around, the cause of your husband's greatest sadness, has such an devastating effect on the marriage that few survive.

Having heard from some of the couples who have followed this way of thinking, and others who have done the opposite, I am confident that it is the best approach to your situation.

Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Thank you so much for all the support I've been getting. We have made some progress over the weekend at least. We at least agreed that we will not do the delivery thing and we have been spending more quality time with each other. We even went fishing this weekend. Sunday was the first day I didn't obsess about the OW. God has been great in giving us a second chance. I don't know why we let ourselves down and only when something huge happens do we put an effort in. My husband is so great right now. Even with our daughter - she is really blooming and her giggles is very infectious. I am trying to focus only on our marraige. Hopefully the rest will sort itself, when the time comes.