Once you are out of the family home with the children, issues might arise as to the custody of the children. Custody is the responsibility for day to day care of children. In normal circumstances both a mother and father have equal rights to the custody of their children. If you leave and take the children, there are two possible courses of action that your partner might take using criminal law or family law:

He might make a complaint to the police that you have abducted the children.

He might start a legal action for custody of the children

The law says that where there is no custody order in existence, it is a criminal offence for one parent to take children aged under fourteen from the other parent with the intention of depriving him of possession of the children. Whether the police would go ahead and charge a parent with abduction will depend very much on the individual circumstances of the situation, but the possibility does exist. Removing the children could also be an offence if it is against the terms of a custody agreement that already exists.

There is, however, a defence to any possible criminal charge. If you can show that you took the children away because the children or you were in immediate danger of being harmed or even that you honestly believed such a danger existed, then you may be able to resist criminal charges

It will be extremely important to have evidence to support your claim. If you are in an abusive situation, try to make some plans before you leave. Keep a record of when and how you or the children are abused. If you or the children are seeing counsellors because of the abuse, keep records of this also.

It will also be useful if there are any witnesses to the abuse. Even though you may think it is taking place in private, your friends and family may notice more than you think. Try talking to them to see if they can help

Ive been reading up on this and I'm terrified. He has money I don't he could get lawyers like crazy I don't have a penny to my name. I have no proof. There are no bruises no evidence. I've told some family of the situation but they've never witnessed it they always say what a wonderful sweet gentle guy he is and how lucky I am. So even if they are changing their mind from what I said they themselves have witnessed nothing. There is no way I will take any action if there is the slightest chance he will take my children! I wouldn't even want him to have them alone for a day, my one son has a life threatening nut allergy and my husband can be careless not reading labels properly or forgetting his epi pen. I always double check my sons food before my husband gives it and remind my husband to take the epi pen. I can't leave if I don't know for sure I could keep my kids and hear has me terrified it looks like he still has a chance of getting them and he has the money to fight well against a he said she said! I mean it looks like i have to wait for him to hurt me seriously enough to get physical evidence. There is no hope for me.....

Sorry my english is all messed up and hard to understand but I'm in a panic so my writing is terrible.

If the children have been taken abroad it may be difficult to seek their return depending on the country. Some countries have signed an international treaty and will recognize and enforce custody orders made by courts in other countries if the children have not become too settled or will not be returning to a harmful situation.

There is a good chance if he was annoyed enough hed do this just as he threatened with financial support and hide behind his powerful family. I don't trust China in regards to the legal system after seeing his families speeding tickets magically vanish. (This is not an insult to any chinese people at all! I'm jsut saying there are issues with how the government works.)

I. am. trapped.

SL, most women's shelters have legal counsel so I would start there. Just go to one for a visit, tell them the situation and ask for their suggestions. You are not trapped. You need to explore your options.

You don't have access to bank accounts? What about credit cards? Do you have credit cards?

Speckled lady, it will lift you to call the shelter.

You are genuinely fearful - they will know that.

My H threatened suicide, he threatened to quite his job, he threatened to move to the other side of the world, he said he would fight fo custody of the children and say that I was more physically violent than him.

He tried to paralyse me into silence.

Please find yourself some peace and call the shelter

Speckled, it is understandable that you are terrified. How can we help you keep your cool long enough to call for help? Please get help. You now have the testimony of many people that this is a good idea for you. Please get helped. Please do not choose to stay trapped.

Speckled, can I encourage you to contact Dr. Harley again? Since he sent you a personal response it is evident to me that he and his wife have taken a personal interest in helping you. I'm sure they would love to help guide you to someone local who can help you to work a plan that will give you hope.

Above all ... stay calm and start planning here. Explore your options, find out what is possible.

I have no credit card. All my child income from gov etc. goes into the tightly controlled joint account. I've written churches in the area with no response in days. I have no cell. I hoped the shelter had someway to email them but they have no email as I didn't want to phone and them have my home number, maybe have to use a payphone but again even then from all the legal research there is no 100% guarantee I could get the kids. Everywhere says I need proof for the best chance of which I have none. Seems I need to get proof which I will have to wait and get or try to secretly record him admitting to it. If it were just me I'd have packed up and left by now without looking back. Right now I feel I just have to wait until i can get proof if thats even possible. Unfortuneatly anything I say on here is again just what I say. Any good lawyer could argue its all nonsense. So who is a court going to support a woman with no proof with no house no income no money or a well educated man that everyone likes with a powerful family lots of money a house able to provide for any therapies my son needs. I wrote Dr. Harley again and am awaiting a response, but as of this moment I think my husband has succeeded in breaking my spirit at last. I've felt a death within me today hearing his words and the hopelessness of all this legal stuff I'm reading. Now I feel like a numb shell of a person. Oh well maybe one day I'll be bruised enough to get the evidence I need.

Going to go try and see if I can find a small recording device for sale. Then confront him about it again and see if he'll say anything incriminating while I'm taping him.

If you are in the US (I cannot remember) you can get one for around 50.00. Velcro it under the kitchen table where he sits or near him. make sure it is voice activated. Not sure what state you are in.

New Hampshire for example has this requirement:

In order to prove abuse in a domestic violence petition, the plaintiff must show that the defendant , who is a family or household member or a current or former sexual partner, committed one of the following acts:

Assault or reckless conduct as defined in RSA 631:1, RSA 631:2, RSA 631:2-a, or RSA 631:3.
Criminal threatening as defined in RSA 631:4.
Sexual assault as defined in RSA 632-A:2 through RSA 632-A:5.
Interference with freedom as defined in RSA 633:1 through RSA 633:3-a.
Destruction of property as defined in RSA 634:1 and RSA 634:2.
Unauthorized entry as defined in RSA 635:1 and RSA 635:2.
Harassment as defined in RSA 644:4.

Additionally, the act itself must consitute a credible threat to the safety of the plaintiff. The Plaintiff has the burden to prove the abuse by a preponderance of the evidence, a legal standard that means that it is more likely to be true than not true. Therefore, when testifying at a final hearing, it is important for the plaintiff to give a clear, detailed, accurate account of the actions of the abuser that led him or her to file for the restraining order.

What does this mean? In short it means that it doesn't need to be concrete, you just have to prove it is more likely than not.

have the police ever been involved? ever had a restraining order? any pictures of you with bruises or a family member or friend witness to any type of abuse?


these are all things that go to establishing your credibility in such a case.

CV

What do you plan to do with the tape if he does say something? Because so far I haven't seen any proaction from you, just reaction. You've explained why your hands are completely tied and you can't do anything. So what is your plan if you are able to record something incriminating? And what incriminating thing do you think that would be?

I don't understand. Why would you not want them to have your home number?

If this is an issue, is it not possible to block caller ID?


You need professional help, not just internet advice. Don't try to go this alone.


I am glad to hear this. I hope you will take the excellent advice you are being offered.

You do not need proof of violence on his part to get a separation. Please go to a shelter and take your children and THEN find out what your options are. The children may have to go back, but at least you will have gotten more help than a mere Google search can provide you.

You do not need proof of anything at this point. Please go get help. You do not need proof of anything to go ask for help.

markos is right - the fact that you are AT the shelter and asking to be taken in is all the proof they need.

I agree with markos. I think your best bet is to talk to someone who can help you in real life who works in this field and has all the resources for your area that you will need.

I'm not saying you shouldn't take the advice of going to the shelter. I think you should.

But I know how paralysing the type of situation you are in can be. The fear of not knowing how anything will work out.

Writing to DrHarley, that was one positive thing you did. How did it make you feel to take charge and ask his opinion? Not only that, but you were rewarded with a reply.

I can understand you not wanting to leave to go to the shelter, I was concerned that I would have nothing - the children would have nothing - but actually they will.
Because of where I have been I regularly donate clothes and toys to our shelter. I know a former MB poster who volunteers at a shelter.

The feeling I get from the shelter close to me is one of great warmth.

In the last lot of stuff I took with me, I took a pirate hat. The support worker grinned and said "I know just who's head that will be on as soon as I walk through the door with it"

The people in the shelter will be able to lift some weight. You will be able to relax.....can you imagine some of the weight being lifted?

There are many people out there in real life waiting to make your life a bit easier.