You are heading for a false recovery. Read this thread:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2513967&page=1

Good luck.

So...when's a good time to tell her? You can't do it right after she delivers...then there's that postpartum stage, where her hormones are all over the place...using your yardstick, you're going to have to wait for about 3 months to tell this woman the truth of her life under the misguided notion that there is a 'good' time to tell a woman that her husband is a lying dog.

DO IT NOW. TODAY. Those babies in their mothers' bellies are pretty tough little guys. Women have carried children through husbands lost at war, husbands who aren't even on the scene, husbands who died the day before delivery (did you read about the pregnant mother whose husband died on Mt. Everest? or the pregnant women who dealt with the 9/11 tragedy? NO ONE LOST A BABY.)

I truly hope and pray you will let OMW know ASAP. She needs to know so that she can protect herself and have the opportunity to fix her M if she wishes to do so.

Not to mention, it is the RIGHT thing to do...

Advise OMW...TODAY.

[quote=erut07 She is due very soon though (within a couple weeks). Think I may wait to tell her so there is no risk to her child.[/quote]

Aside from exposure to OMW being a vital part of your marriage�s recovery, you as a betrayed spouse should know better. You have experienced the anguish of suspicion and should know that hearing the truth is not the most painful part.

For me, and I suspect for you too, - one of the first reactions is hope � you now know what the problem is so you can fix it.

This woman is probably receiving appalling treatment from her addict husband and is being hurt daily by lies and strange, callous behaviour. She needs the truth to protect and reassure her.

You know full well from personal experience that the truth will help, not hurt her. You are only procrastinating because you are scared of your addict wife�s anger.

Stop being afraid of the truth, just because she is. That�s all it is � truth.

Do it straight away without giving any warning of what you are about to do. The only thing that will stop these two addicts in their tracks is intervention from BOTH of you.

Killing an affair takes precise, tough actions. There is nothing �cookie cutter� about it

Do everything you can to put the crack pipe out of your wife�s reach � and away from this poor woman�s husband.

Once you have done everything YOU can, it is up to her. In the meantime, do you really want to set her up to fail by leaving her free to make as many addiction mistakes as she can? Do you want to get a divorce knowing you could have done much more than you did?

Just get a divorce straight away if so.

Dude:

Your marriage is undergoing a full-on assault by a psycho-woman and her boyfriend, one of the lowest life forms to be written about here in my time reading these forum. What with a 9-month pregnant wife at home.

You are pretty much enabling this by arguing with all of the advice you are getting here.

Keep this up, dont tell OMW, dont demand immediate NC, dont start the process laid out and you, my friend are destined to be alone. Pretty much as you are when she;s doing him.

Bitter pill to eat, I know. Too many of us have chowed down on them pills but what separates many of us, we didnt sit idly by as us Wayward Spouses partaked in the forbidden fruit.

Call that other guys wife now and break the news to her that her husband is a POS and let her off the hook. Your wife needs to leave that job today and now before a lunch rondevous with Mr. Wonderful. Tell her parents, your friends, and their boss about the love festering in their midst.

When all of this is done you are going to have one PO'd wife, guarantee it. But, then you'll come back here and we'll tell you how to get her back.

Your wife has disemboweled you. Time to grow a pair and win her back. Only if you want to. Right now, its doesnt seem like you want to.

Get going.

Quote

If she can't cut off contact then I know its over. If she does then what does the rest matter?

Of course it matters, erut. If you do not know the whole truth, and your wife cannot be truthful to you, how can you expect to be able to trust her in the future? How can you expect to have a marriage? You say you've been together for ten years and married for one - and in the space of less than one year she has already had an affair? What changed in that one year of marriage? Probably nothing much, right? Do you suppose this is the first one she's had? You say it hasn't been physical because you, um, trust your wife? How can you trust a wayward? I will bet any amount of money that it was a physical affair, that they've had sex a number of times, and that the affair is still ongoing.

Quote

She's allowed to err, I forgive her for that.

You're an awfully accomodating guy for someone whose wife has been cheating on him.

Quote

She holds a grudge like no one's business.

And here we get to the crux of the problem - you're afraid of your wife. Happens more often than you might believe on this site. So what if she holds a grudge? You're going to have to really research the materials on this site and in the books in reference to POJA. This and the emotional needs worksheets are the two most vital things for you to learn here. POJA negates the possibility of one spouse running roughshod over the other.

You can't allow your spouse to hold the threat of her temper over you to get you to comply with what she wants all the time. That's called Plan Doormat. And your stated reticence at checking up on her and snooping is just foolhardy to the extreme. You're wife is cheating on you and she owes it to you to be totally 100% open for you to be able to recover your marriage. Unless you find some gumption somewhere, young fella, you don't stand a chance in being able to build a new and equal relationship with your wife.

SHE holds a grudge?

Please excuse me for a moment.



Erut, SHE'S BEEN BOINKING ANOTHER MAN! WHO SHOULD BE ANGRY AND HOLDING A GRUDGE?

Here's a hint: Not her.

Man up. Tackle this affair or you will surely end your marriage.

How about you invite the happy couple over, OM and Mrs. You, and ask them nicely to stop having sex with each other?

You can make something nice for dinner and you can wear something new for it and make it as easy for them to be together as possible.

Or, maybe you can drive them to the their hotspots so they can canoodle with ease in the back seat.

That is essentially the impression you are giving us and darn well the impression your wife gets.

Ok, update time.

I want to thank everyone here for the tough love. Last night, I felt myself shifting into crackdown mode and well, this morning I made a disovery. WW had been keeping some chat transcripts from the last month on her computer that I just happened to gain access to. Turns out there was more going on.

They definitely did more than kiss, but still no sex thank god. I am 100% confident that I know the truth now because it was a chat transcript with a close personal friend of hers and she was being extremely open about everything.

No sex, oral or otherwise, but basically lots of dry-humping and fondling. Yeah it hurt to find, but I'm glad I did.

Next thing I did was call OMW. She's now fully informed and possesses the same transcripts. She plans on staying in contact with me.

My wife's 2 weeks notice ends next Friday, but I have put in for all my vacation time and NC begins as of 5 hours ago. I will be going to work with my wife and spending every waking moment with her until she can be past the withdrawal stage. Thankfully, her last few chats with him indicated that she was trying to break it off with him and give us a chance. She is being very candid with me now.

Her main concern at this point is that she won't ever feel like she deserves me again. My main concern is that she will never move on. In any case, I've got my war gear on and I've taken control of this thing. It's either gonna work out or its not at this point but I've done what I can.


Thank you all so much.

I am more convinced now, not less, that you don't have the full truth.

The chat transcripts from the last month are NOT a confirmation that there was no sex, erut. They are telling you what we have been trying to tell you...that you cannot trust a wayward.

TRUST us instead and require a poly. There is more to this story. Waywards do not kiss and heavy fondle and not have it progress over a month. Sorry, I am pretty sure they had sex...

She will not be in withdrawal stage as long as she works there and he does too. She will still be taking hits off the crackpipe.

I can already tell that your WW is good at gaslighting you and manipulating you into believing that you can "trust" her....

You need to put a GPS/VAR on the car. Even after she leaves the job, you will need to watch her closely for a number of months. The problem with affairs is that the reignite very easily and waywards don't seem to want to really stick to NC.

No, from over the course of the last month. The one I referenced was very recent.

I'll be at work with her and I have asked the OMW to tell him not to go into work that week. There shouldn't be any way for them to contact.

The other good thing is that now that I am in contact with OMW, we can share notes and since she is having a kid soon, she is not going to be ok with him being out of the house much. She has talked about forcing him to re-take-up a in home position. We'll see how it pans out but I have lots of tools at my disposal now.

It's great that you have the OMW helping you, but it's not a sure thing and I don't think you grasp how sneaky and manipulative waywards can be...and how often affairs go underground.

ALL BSs should GPS their WSs cars as far as I am concerned when you are trying to ensure NC. You WILL NOT be able to watch her every move...and with her out of work and you at work, you will NOT know what she is up to all the time. Are you trying to tell me you TRUST that she will not try to see him? I am here to tell you that you are WRONG. She is going to be in withdrawal for potentially six months....and she will be tempted to try to see him during that time...

ALL BSs should require the poly when the WS is claiming it was only an EA but there was plenty of opportunity for it to escalate to PA. Regardless of what your WW said or wrote to you or anyone else...cuz waywards lie lie and then lie some more.

But take the advice or leave it. It's your choice...

Sigh.

erut, you do not know that this is all they did, just because she told this to her "close personal friend". You do not know that she wasn't lying or minimising to her friend. You do not know that she was being "extremely open" about everything. You only know that this was what she said.

It is quite feasible that a woman would not tell her best friend that she actually had sex with a man who isn't her husband. Waywards lie, and also, women have been known to lie about the extent of their sexual involvement, even when there is no affair.

Having extramarital sex brands women as loose. Having it with a man whose wife is pregnant makes a woman a particularly heartless ho.

Of course she would minimise what she did, even to her best friend.

Listen to Susie and Sugar, erut. You are being trickle-truthed. This does not pass the smell test. No, she's not going to tell her best friend the truth. She's not 10 years old. She's not going to tell her friend the whole truth because she's not going to want to hear negative things about her activities, and her friend may say something she doesn't want to hear.

Also understand that she may feel possessive about the details of her affair and will keep them close to herself.

Raise the bar, erut. Demand a polygraph. I'll bet you get an earful. I'm sorry to say.

Eru,

Good job so far! Do stay in touch with OMW.

I want to reiterate what SusieQ is telling you. Waywards will go very, very far undergound, and lie like you can't imagine to keep contact going. You WW is going to be in severe withdrawl for months and months if NC starts today.

Please don't be insulted, but just KNOW that she WILL try to contact him again. She's going to get desperate in that effort, and sloppy. WWs want an end to "say goodbye", to hug, kiss and profess their love and caring for each other. In other words, keep the door open. She will do insane things that you haven't even thought of to make that happen. And, so will he. But, WWs will be more determined to do this so that they don't feel used. It's just the reality, not an opinion.

And, if you believe that this isn't a full-blown PA, I'm sorry for that. It is. The messages that you are reading are from a girlfriend to a girlfriend. She's testing the waters with her girlfriend to see if this A is OK. She's lying to this GF getting ready to justify leaving you. Get that?? She's in a fog and will demonize you, Eru, to justify her behavior.

I am so proud of your EXPOSURE. Congratulations!!!!

This is such a courageous, manly, and honorable action. Your wife will thank you someday. For now hold close to your heart--you my friend are a man of character.

Again - I hope you celebrate and know you are a great role model to all other betrayed husbands out there that are afraid to expose.

Have a wonderful Night!!!