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yes.. he came back.. well :o/ not really he his still staying at his mamas house and not so much in to me but he dose want to work it out and he saying the d word and we are spending time together with the kids..
thanks for all the prayers .................and advice
Weeeeeeeeeeeeee !!! :o)
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yes.. he came back.. well :o/ not really he his still staying at his mamas house and not so much in to me but he dose want to work it out and he saying the d word and we are spending time together with the kids..
thanks for all the prayers .................and advice
Weeeeeeeeeeeeee !!! :o) What is your plan now? How do the two of you plan to 'work it out'?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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well like some one said above.. he's more than likely POed at me right now.. soo i just need to continue to stay a way from my Monster of a volunteer project... and i need to Make Money Honey!! paying half the bills will help and I need dispense tons of admiration and any other emotional needs he's willing to except from me.. right now he's not to interested in lovey dovey stuff :o( .. he might need some testosterone. or i just need to build up to that with .. Money and Admiration and no v.project .. Yeah?
and he's coming over tonight and we are going to work on a project together :o) No crying no crying no crying ..
be happy hot and confidant :oD
and can i get some more prayer again.. that stuff works great!
thank you Lord!
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HH,
You wrote,
no sex in 2 years...he thinks i'm using him to just pay the bills he doesn't feel loved..
he's angry that i have been leaving him and the kid to run a "volunteer project"
so he's has feelings of abandonment. for the past 5 years he starting complaining 2 years ago
I'll tell you what my interpretation of what is going on here is, I think he never got over the affair that his first W had on him and he is defending himself against your doing the same to him. He feels separation anxiety when you are at the volunteer project.
One of the things I object to about my Ws doing good works for others is the enthusiasm she shows when doing them, especially when contrasted with her lack of enthusiasm at times for me.
Try to understand him, that's not the same thing as excessive apologies, sometimes that means you have to ask difficult questions. For example my W asked me which OM1,2,3 or 4 was the worst for me to deal with, it was very very difficult for my W to ask, and she only asked once, but it mean a great deal to me. The easier route would have been for her to conclude that they didn't matter anymore, because they no longer mattered to HER.
God Bless
Gamma
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One of the things I object to about my Ws doing good works for others is the enthusiasm she shows when doing them, especially when contrasted with her lack of enthusiasm at times for me. And this is a legitimate threat. Introduction: One of the most controversial positions I take regarding marriage is that a husband and wife should be together for their favorite recreational activities. Whatever it is they enjoy doing the most, they either do with each other, or they don't do it at all.
Some feel that I am out to destroy marriage with that suggestion, not save it. After all, how can a husband and wife survive each other in life unless they are able to get away once in a while to have some fun.
<snip>
But my advice is not based on ivory tower speculation. It's based on years of observation. Couples who spend their most enjoyable time together tend to have great marriages, and those who do not, tend to divorce. Furthermore, I have witnessed hundreds of couples who have given up activities that only one enjoyed for activities that they both enjoyed. None went crazy, and almost all of them were very happy that they made the change.
My goal is saving marriages, and I achieve that goal by helping a husband and wife fall in love with each other. They fall in love by being with each other when they are the happiest (depositing love units), and avoiding unpleasant experiences (withdrawing love units) when they are together. Since the purpose of recreational activities is to create enjoyment, it makes sense for a husband and wife to spend their recreational time together. It's one of the easiest ways to deposit love units.
And yet, almost every day I am asked to explain again why it's so important for couples to spend their most enjoyable recreational time with each other. The following letter provides me an opportunity to defend my position from a somewhat different perspective. If my answer persuades you to follow my controversial advice, it may save your marriage.
<snip>
For example, your husband's exclusion of you in fantasy baseball draft hurts your feelings. The entire time he's gone he will be losing love units from his account in your love bank. And then, when he returns home, the contrast effect I mentioned earlier will negatively effect his feelings about what you both do together, which will tend to withdraw love units from your account in his love bank. If you and he were to be together for the draft, or find an alternative recreational activity that you could enthusiastically agree to enjoy together, none of these love bank losses would result. Instead, you would both be depositing love units.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Holly, I just noticed on the Prayers forum that your H is talking about divorce again. Can you tell us what has been going on during this past week? A week ago you said he wanted to remain in the M. Now he's out again?
Have you done any snooping to rule out an affair? I suspect that he is currently having an affair with a co-worker, more than likely the one he was sitting close to at lunch that one time. I don't think your volunteer activity has much, if anything, to do with what he's doing. I think he's blaming his departure on that because it's the best excuse he could come up with, without honestly telling you that he is with another woman.
Do you want help from us? I notice you're more inclined to just have people pray for you, which is fine. I'm just asking because I don't want to bother you if you only want us to pray for you.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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ok he came back and said he wanted to work it out..
he never moved back in.. he said he just wanted to ease back in..
then a few days later i was asking soooo when are you going to spend the night with me :o)
and he said never :0( .. i'm sorry i want a D.Word .
my gut tells me it's another woman at his work:o(
I think its an emotional affair at the time..
should i just start asking him about her..
i'm scared that's going to push him away ..if i start asking hard questions.. cause hes so easily scared away.. ?
he comes over about 3 times a week after we have dinner with the kids and he put his daughter to sleep and then leaves..
he won't let me get closes to him.
he pushes me away like he's scared of me.
he won't allow us to be alone together.
he is in some kind of fog right now.
not sure what more we can do .. but pray that god puts some people in is life that he trust .. to put a bug in his ear.. that d. word is a big big big mistake for everyone involved
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If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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my gut tells me it's another woman at his work:o(
I think its an emotional affair at the time..
should i just start asking him about her.. No; please slow down a bit and use the information here to start to put together a plan. he is in some kind of fog right now. Yes. The addiction to this other woman will put him in exactly that, a fog. It is as if he is drunk or a drug addict. He is going to be completely insane and irresponsible, and to get out of this, you are going to have to be the responsible one.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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should i just start asking him about her.. NO, YOU SHOULD NOT. Start snooping, Holly. You need to find out what is going on, here. Can you get a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) and plant it in his car? Have you been to our Operation Investigate forum? I am quite certain your H is having an affair. Holly, I appreciate and respect your faith, but IMO running to a website and asking for prayers for divine intervention isn't what God wants you to do! He sent you to this site for a reason - use it! Do you want to know what you need to do to help kill your husband's affair, or do you want to wait for some miracle?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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yes.. I've read all this..
he won't even admit to the affair yet.
he may be thinking since he hasn't had sex with her .. he's not having an affair.. :o/
Basically i'm dealing with the fog.. all i can do is remind him that i love him and our family is worth saving.. yeah..? all the info on the site.. is basically how to recover from it and how to avoid it. right now my man doesn't want to recover from it.. he want's out... I'm lost right now on what to do .. I'm just trying to deposit love units where i can and keep reminding him i LOVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVE him ! the water is good is fortified with all kinds of vitamins drink it !!
Holley 35 WS 38
Holley has 2 kids special needs 13yr form marriage 1 and 2yr from WS
Married 3yr
2nd Marriage for both of us
How did your WS meet their AP? (work)
How long did the A last? (?)
How did you find out about the A? (one of his friends)
Have you ordered the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley? Have you read it? Not yet :o(
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yes i want to kill the affair!
i can't snoop i'm a stay at home mom with 2 kids
.. he moved out..
i do have a list of possible girls with there contact info
how do i kill the affair ?
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Holly start reading the snooping 101 thread and reading about Plan A and Plan B. You can find Plan A and Plan B in the materials I linked for you, which you definitely need to read.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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the water is good is fortified with all kinds of vitamins drink it !! The website is good full of all kinds of wonderful advice for you. Read it!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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---my gut tells me it's another woman at his work:o(
I think its an emotional affair at the time..
should i just start asking him about her..
i'm scared that's going to push him away ..if i start asking hard questions.. cause hes so easily scared away.. ?---
You get out of the fog. He has been having sex with her for the last 2 years (or someone else for that matter).
What man would willingly go without sex for such a long time? He probably had someone stand in for you!
Do not tell him, you suspect him.
What are you afraid of scaring him away, he already is away.
There is no other opthion than to try to lure him in with plan A.
Try to make him drunk, or whatever and have him spend the night so you can put flexispy on his cell phone. Go swimming with him and the kids, have a friend take his cell phone and install it, you will think of something. Be creative here. This is about savig your family.
Plan A! seduce him back! Look fabulous! get with a crazy super fast sport program!
Look, I do not know what kind of problems your oldest child has (special needs is rather vague) but can it babysit his younger sibling? And when it cannot, can you have your parents take the children for a few days or babysit. Or let them stay at the free daycare at IKEA while you get things done. You can come up with something. You will have to take action fast. I know it is difficult. But you can do it. For your family.
Good luck,
Happyheart
me, DH
all the children
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Oh, and please no relationship talk while he is in an affair with a woman, who is always cheerful, perfumed, looking her best, does not have difficult children or household chores for him, no strings attached (just yet, she is saving that for the time when you are out of the picture).
You can outdo that. Because she is a woman without morals. Maybe transfer this post to the affair forum?
me, DH
all the children
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yes i want to kill the affair!
i can't snoop i'm a stay at home mom with 2 kids
.. he moved out..
i do have a list of possible girls with there contact info
how do i kill the affair ? Have you gotten Surviving an Affair yet?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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He has been having sex with her for the last 2 years Look within this time frame for female contacts, Holly, and you'll find the AP. It's no coincidence that he only started complaining about your 5 year project TWO years ago, and quit having sex TWO years ago. Can you get a VAR and plant it in his car? A GPS unit would be good, as well. You need to find out who this woman is before you can take the next step. In the meantime, Plan A like nobody's business. 
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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