Scotland-� I have been plan A'ing for about a month I would say.� Affair has been exposed to everyone.� I only say plan B b/c I am out of the home.� Earlier it was decided that I needed to get out of the house to get myself "right" and deal with what was coming.� And really that helped me, b/c it showed me that I could move on.� Make no mistake I want us to work on the M.� But the verbal abuse I was taking when I moved back in previously was too much.�
�
ManinMotion-� Exactly my thoughts after I reread my own post.� lol.� Not a good situation to be in.� Yes I want to recover, so I will stick with plan A.� And eventually work my way back into the home asap.
�
Mr_Recon6mo-� Appreciate the insight.� Again when this happened I was confused b/c she was so gun ho on leaving me.�
�
I appreciate all the insight.�

I skimmed through your last posts.

- how did the workplace exposure end?
- did you expose OM in Facebook?

Not sure how it ended. It was forwarded on. Nothing has taken place yet of now. Her job is still in limbo though.

Facebook exposure happened. But didn't ward anything off. OM family and friends all know about what is going on.

Then it's probably time to move to a proper Plan B.



Who decided this? "It was decided" suggests that someone made that decision for you.

Moving out of your own home is not a good way to do a Plan A.

How do you know this?

How do you know that HR in her company actually saw your exposure letter?



It may be time to re-expose, this time through different channels to ensure that it does get to the right persons in her office.

Oh good grief - you've only been M'd for two years, and all of this is happening already?

Were you living together prior to being M'd?

You may want to seriously consider if you really should remain M'd to someone who has broken her vows only two years after making them. Scratch that - it took her only one year to break them, right?

I decided to.


The person I spoke assured me it was forwarded on and I know it was received by her Supervisor b/c my WW told me her supervisor knew of the issue. Regardless that place is fort knox, getting info is next to impossible, but I can try actually mailing a copy addressed to HR.

Will do.


We have been living together for about 9 years.

give or take......a little over a year, I'd have to look to be exact.

I don't expect anyone to know or really understand why people love each other, regardless of the dumb stuff they do, whether its 1 year, 10 years or 6 mos into the M, vows were broken. Is it worrisome that it was so quick, you bet. Is she all to blame, not entirely.

I am still a young guy. Very handsome I might add If I still value something I will fight for it.

She is being really receptive right now, so if you think its best to plan B, then I shall.

Unfortunately, the statistics for Ms surviving when the couple previously lived together aren't all that great.



You are 50% responsible for the state of your M. However, she is 100% responsible for breaking her vows. Don't you DARE let her, indirectly or otherwise, try to transfer any of that blame to you, y'hear, or she will do so in a heartbeat and blame YOU for her bad choices!



You either Plan A, or Plan B, and Plan B should only be done after you'd done a good Plan A. Taking parts from both and trying to create your own plan is going to further reduce your chances of recovering your M.

Finah,

Can you give us an update on your situation?

Cypress

No problem, it's been awhile.

Personally I feel like I have learned a lot about who am I for one. IC has done wonders for me when I finally found a truly competent counselor. I blamed myself for a lot it. My IC has revealed a lot about what my WW has done to me which really put me at ease on this whole stitch.

A lot of my time is focused on the dogs and I. Running them, working out, going out with friends, reconnecting with the world.

Like most people I think early on I expected way to much too fast. I expected her to come around faster. I would say in mid August I stepped back and really looked at my last 2 encounters with my WW as I was pretty dark, not a total plan B, but if she would reach out I would bite. I looked at those encounters and while they were all positive and her and I spent about 8 hrs talking, the situation, her mindset and POSOM, she was gone further than I had ever seen her.

I guess it really hit home on our last encounter over a month ago. Her and I hugged and I felt........nothing, no shared connection b/w us. It took me awhile to process that.

But it finally allowed me to let go, to really accept the idea that she may never come back, she may never be the W I want in my life ever again.

I won't go into specifics about what WW and POSOM are up to, b/c frankly it just doesn't matter.

So where am I now?

Focusing on myself and still doing a lot of reading. I am not lifting a finger on any D process or dissolution until I feel I am ready and capable to move on with my life and totally leave her behind.

My WW, god bless her, does not listen to a word I say, I tell her not to contact me, she contacts me, I go all FU on her, she says two words, then contacts me again to thank me for something that had nothing to do with her and wants to inquire about how the dogs and I are doing.

She doesn't get it. She may never. Truly I feel bad for her, she is a lost soul. I fully expect not to save my M. And really the only chance that it may recover is when I finally drop the rope and go forward with some sort of D.

Though by then, I think I will be done, she may be the person I want in the physical form, but emotionally she has too much maturing to do, too much to catch up on.

I'll update with more of my thoughts as I move forward.

I'm sorry I didn't see this thread back a few months ago. This still may be useful to you now, if you think you want to recover your marriage.




You can have all the DVD's and the pictures if you want them. Please let me know if there is anything big that you want (ie table). We can discuss anything and try to agree so we are both satisfied. Here are 2 forms that need to be filled out. I am filling out the same forms too. They are the same forms for a dissolution or a divorce. I would like to do a dissolution & just work together on the things we are splitting. I think it would be easier on us both. But please let me know if your not going to show up b/c this won't work if you are not there too. I am meeting w/ my attorney this Wednesday and if it's possible to have the forms completed by then. I can come pick them up if you need just let me know.
Because she began this paragraph talking about minutia (the DVDs, it was very easy to predict that she had no intention of carrying out the rest of the deal - the dissolution. Everything in this paragraph tells you that she is on the fence about a divorce from you. Look at the first sentence. It begins with this strong statement about how you can have the dads...very directive. Then it all falls apart! Everything after that is COMPROMISING with you. She gives YOU the power...she gives you a set of paperwork and asks YOU to do the filing...she hands it all over to you to do. Because

she does not plan to do it herself


because she had NOT made up her mind to do it.



What do you want to do about the dogs? Do you want to keep them part of the time or just on weekends, every other week? Here is the string that keeps you attached. She works the cake-eating right into the mix. She already knows she will still need you in her life, and already knows she cannot leg go. The dogs are not on the leash. YOU ARE.
Do you want one & I will keep the other? I just feel like they are your dogs too & I want to make sure it's fair & you get a say in it too. It is interesting, isn't it, that she "allows" you a say in this...They will prob. have to stay at my parents house while the house is on the market unless you can watch them. I won't be able to come home & get them every time someone wants to see the house.

I know you won't believe me but I do care for you and I want the best for you. I don't want anything bad to come your way and I want you to be happy. I believe this will help us grow stronger and learn a lot of things about ourselves.This is a statement against her own interest. She is very fearful in this statement, and it comes through. The last sentence is an oxymoron - there is no way that the affair can make "US" grow stronger, and make each of you learn about yourself individually - because it destroys the US if she stays with the OM. That is the fear that comes through by stating it the way she has, she states the conflict directly in this last sentence, unknowingly. Isn't language fun?

Even though this is a bad situation and hard on us both, try to see the positive and good that will follow. Gosh, she does this a lot, doesn't she?Ask yourself, where do I see myself 1 yr, 3yrs, 5yrs from now and work on the steps needed to get there.Capitalize on this!!!!! She has asked YOU this question. Now, ask it back to her. Bring this note up to her, and ASK HER the same question. Tell her what you see in the future: a marriage of her dreams...with you...using the MB plan (don't tell her it is the MB plan). Ask her if that would be something she could find interesting, with you.

I hope we can both grow and mature from this. I just want you to know that it was never my intent to hurt you or cause you pain and if I could make it all go away, I would. This is an odd statement out. It is stuck in here, and if I were a betting person, I would say it constitutes what I refer to as "overflow". She was writing, and was on a roll. She had her mind on a target for you, and wanted to say certain things, only THIS was what came out. It was not the intent of the whole message to you, but an aside. The interesting thing with this is it is truthful, it represents a recurring thought with her, and it also reveals a sense of loss of control with her. She really did feel like she could not control herself at the time. FWIW.

I wish that you would stop trying to bring pain & hurt my way. Please stop harassing my friends, family & co-workers. This is between us, not them. I do not want to hurt you and I wish you would do the same. Exposure hurts. Don't do this. So, my advice to you is to KEEP LETTING OTHER PEOPLE KNOW SHE IS CONTINUING HER AFFAIR!!!!!!!! Even though it might be "old news" to you, this bugs her to no end. She does not like having the scarlet letter.

I too believe our paths will cross once more, and we will see each other again. I don't want to hate you and don't want to end things on a bad note. I would like to remember the good times we had together these past 11 yrs and not all the drama and hateful words and treatment we have done this last month.She doesn't like the conflict. I have to comment that it would not be there except for the affair.......itty boo.

Like I said all ready, there are a lot of things in my life that I regret, but I wouldn't trade those 11 years for anything. We have had our ups & downs, good times & bad and b/c of you, it has made the person that I am today. She went here for a reason. She is telling you that you have strength. This letter is a kind of request for that strength. She reveals that she is out of control; she tells you that you have the power; she GIVES you the power. She reveals the conflict in her own mind.


Since this time, she has returned to you and indicated that she still doesn't even know what she is doing.


You do have a chance to recover this marriage if you want it.


The choice is up to you. I believe her affair could be devastated with a very strong volley of Plan B - total and complete cut off of all contact, including dog leashing activities.

Write your plan B letter. Make it a very very very strong LOVE LETTER. Let her know that YOU are the better choice of man, that you are a strong man, that the marriage could be a good one.

IF you want her back, that is. Otherwise, walk in peace.


SB

SB I appreciate your insight, that was great. Your breakdown and the sentement of her letter has given me some things to think about.

I'll post more later after I have a chance to digest those thoughts

Well an interesting turn in events and honestly not quite sure what to make of it. Kind of weird that SB posted that breakdown given this change of events.

I had to meet w/ my WW yesterday to give her one of our dogs b/c they had been fighting each other the past week as it got pretty serious on a few occasions.

I fully expected to see my WW when I showed up, but I didn't I actually saw my W. It was surreal.

But I took it all in, I didn't get all mushy eye or fall head over heels for her.

I stayed strong and listened while she crumbled. And that was so important IMO, for her to see me as a strong confident man. In control of my own feelings and thoughts.
She was quite surprised on that front. She saw real change in me and she saw where she was.......lost and spinning out of control. A depressive mess in some aspects.
I am taking it very very very and still very slow at this point.

She didn't want to let go of me or for me to leave, but I left.

To me it's all just words at this point.
She has expressed that she wants to go to IC and MC with me this week. She knows she has to end it with POSOM, but she needs help and guidance through it.

I assure you I will not allow cake eating through this process, she doesn't get to be with me as long as POSOM is there.

A couple side notes.

Going dark does work. She said she constantly thought about me, she wondered if I ever thought about her. She was waiting for me to reach out even though she seemed so cold when she reached out to me. She knows what she is doing is wrong, but can't stop for obvious reasons.

I do have this weird feeling POSOM is trying to get her pregnant.

I think she is in for a real surprise if she decides to end it w/ him. I think he will go crazy. He is possessive in all aspects and I do kind of fear for her safety. She says he has talked about marriage, growing old together, children....blah blah blah, trying to push the relationship as fast as he could, which has really spooked her in some aspect.

It will be something that I have to watch very carefully.

She needs to leave her place of employment immediately, she is the breadwinner so my salary alone will not be able to cover the house and cars. I can cover one, but not the other.

If it were up to me I'd let the house go into foreclosure.
Kind of in a pickle in that area.

1. We will never be able to fully recover unless she leaves her job

2. I can't cover the mortgage and our vehicles, we need her salary, so she needs a new job ASAP.

3. Our home is up for sale, a few bites here and there, but nothing serious, we'd both like a fresh start somewhere new.

I'll update as my thoughts unravel. We haven't entered any sort of recovery, but we may be on that path, again just words at this moment, but I am still protecting myself and staying dark.

And this children is why you don't have affairs, especially @ work, its a mess.

Thoughts?

It's had some time to sink in for a couple days.
�
I don't think she will show up to MC, just a hunch, I think she has dug her heels back in.� I expected it.� I am sure if I showed up at the house she would come w/ me, but I don't think that is a good idea, I want her to make that move, not I.
�
I think having one of the dogs around has lifted her spirits a bit.� She told me the day we met�she just sits and cries all the time.� My mother reached out to her with out my knowledge and WW said she missed her (my mother) very much.� That didn't surprise me.
�
My WW will not really communicate with me thru TM or email, if she does its short, non emotional.� I talk to her in person, she just melts.� My WW said we just "have this connection" she can't explain it, nor can I, but she said she doesn't feel it with POSOM.� <<oh aren't I lucky lol, he must be doing something right.
�
POSOM freaks every time my WW and I have contact, she basically told POSOM in not so many words that she is just drawn to me.� He is wondering what is taking so long on the D process.
�
Contact has been�pretty dark now for a bit over 2-3 months considering this latest debacle.
�
I had set a goal of�8 weeks absolutely NC, I broke at a lil over 4 weeks, I think she was very close to breaking and I finally bit on an email she sent, basically just affirming my position on where I stood in the M, so not a huge setback in my mind.� I was strong in that email.
�
I think for now its best if I try to reestablish that original goal of NC.
�
I don't think she has any intention of filing D or if she does I don't think she will follow thru.
�
She is a lost lost puppy dog.� She claims to have hit rock bottom, I lol'd inside, she is close to the bottom but still far from rock bottom.� I know what rock bottom feels like and it isn't�pretty.� She has NOT ONE PERSON who is strong and will listen to her except for my mother and I.� Her family is an absolute joke.� She doesn't have any real close friends.
�
To me I think its only a matter of time.� I guess do I really want to try and save this?� I don't know, I think I do, I know I haven't given up.
�
Darkness here I come.

Tell your mother to go dark as well. Your WW is using your mom as a conduit to connect to your whereabouts and how you are doing. She is getting a fix of you via your mom.

Cut that off, today. Tell your mother the MB plan, and explain how this can work for YOU. Tell her that the plan works, it must be dark. Tell her that it is very important, so that you do not lose your love for WW. It is the only way that your WW can possibly recover, and the only way you can possibly come out of this with your love for WW intact. STOP CONTACTING HER.

YOU control whether or not the WW uses the intermediary. It is NOT up to your WW to make that choice. Change your email and phone number, or block her. Explain this again if you must, in FIVE WORDS OR LESS. You can say in one email:


Emails go through IM only.
Contact me through IM only.
No phone calls please.


Got it?

Plan B means you do NOT reply to your WW. When you reply by not going through the IM, YOU break Plan B. The only way to train her is for YOU to control your own behavior - so YOU must use the intermediary. Period.



The darker you remain, the more she has to rely on POSOM to meet all of her needs.


She has not had to do that yet, because YOU are not yet dark.


Be dark.


SB

SB nailed it. It seems to me that your Plan B has not been dark enough... more like following a lunar cycle where your wife waits for you or your mother to act as the moon and give her light. You need to go PITCH DARK... with the only access to light being that laid out to her in the Plan B letter.

Don't settle for less.

Plan B in place.

As I suspected she didn't show up to MC.

What a change in events, she has swung from one end to the spectrum to the complete other in 1 day.

Sunday she wanted to end it w/ OM and commit.

Monday she filed D.

I don't think she will go through w/ it, but I am prepared.

She told me " I made her do it " Still couldn't say good bye to me or let go.

WW never cease to amaze me.

I'll add more later thx everyone

Hmmm, you held a gun to her head as she completed the papers huh? Another one for the craziest things out of a wayward's mouth.

Good for you on resuming Plan B. Now stay dark...

LOL yup I made her do it. Hard really not to laugh at some of the things she says, some of it does sting though.

Should be an interesting next couple of months. Divorce or not IMO she will slowly fall apart again and probably end up lower than where she was

It's crazy to see. I mean I'm not crazy I know I love her, I'm rational. Her, she is in love with OM, but still so attached to me and I barely give her anything.

Going dark for those 4 weeks brought this all on, now I just need to stay there until she ends it with OM, won't be easy for me.

Kind of exciting now. Divorce in the picture, I know darkness works. I'll keep u all updated thx for all the replies SB and Caracal

I just re-read this, but it's exactly what has been happening. We keep on saving her in a sense everytime she pokes her head out.