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One of the things I like about Al is that he does not drink or smoke. (He mentions he would not say no to Jack&Coke, or champagne at New Year's, however)
In fact, I requested that he stay this way, not drinking or smoking save for the allowances above. He doesn't object to these, but that got me to thinking--would it be considered an unreasonable demand to request no drinking or smoking of a spouse?
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Is your allowance that you would be enthusiastic about him drinking at New Years, and that's it?
I tend to see smoking and drinking as two different things.
Re: the drinking, if we're talking very small amounts (say, three drinks a month) I dont know if that is considered an unreasonable demand or not. If it withdraws from your LB, does it matter if it is unreasonable? You are going to feel bad about it, I presume.
I mean, the same thing could be asked about a request that your partner become vegetarian, because you're not enthusiastic about him eating meat. He may react negatively, and you have to negotiate something that makes you both happy.
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The allowances I would make are:
1. New Year's
2. His trying Jack and Coke, and if he likes that, small amounts like you suggested would be good with me. He is 25 and as of yet has not taken a single alcoholic drink.
I am not quite sure where to place the "or else" boundary line. I grew up around several drunks and certainly don't want another one. Perhaps ML could be of some help here...
As far as smoking goes, the reason I don't like that is because I grew up with smokers in the house, and hearing nasty coughs, and getting nasty coughs myself. That is a boundary I already have set up--I do not tolerate it. Al is alright with it as he had severe asthma as a child and his whole family has had lung trouble.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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hon, the issue is not really smoking and drinking, but whether he agrees to follow the policy of joint agreement. THAT is the most important factor. Asking him not to smoke and drink is NOT a selfish demand, btw. Throughout marriage you will always have conflicts, and it's not the conflicts themselves that will threaten your marriage - it's the way you try to resolve them. If you follow the Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse), all will go well with your marriage. But if you make decisions that fail to take each other's feelings into account, disaster will follow. A good book for you to read would I Promise You by Dr Harley. Have you seen that one?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I hadn't heard of that one. I'll try to get it. 
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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would it be considered an unreasonable demand to request no drinking or smoking of a spouse? To me it depends on... If one spouse always drank or smoked yet the other spouse never objected only to object down the road...I'd have some issue with that. Not sure I'd call a request to not do those things unreasonable but I would wonder why the change when nothing was ever said before. But like anything else it is a topic that needs to be discussed between the spouses. Maybe there will be a solution that both are happy with...maybe not.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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