I also can't post on here all the time. Have a demanding job and am a mom and wife so it's not my primary focus. So not much hand holding from me either. Sorry, wish I could have more time though.

But love to all who take the time to help others here at MB. You all truly made a difference in my life.

Hating on MB or anything silly like that or trying to lure people to go to another site or saying unkind things is SIMPLY SILLY imho. I personally don't have time to meddle in other sites or try to recruit folks from other places. I do tell friends I meet IN REAL LIFE that this place is great and can help though.

In the end, I feel those who seek wisdom should want to encourage others to also go and seek out wisdom too. If somewhere else works for you HnG, then great. I know what works for me and I am here.

HnG, I wish you love, success, and peace right now. Just be calm and do your best at the deposition K?

I SO agree with this, CP. We have a few who are highly skilled at hand holding and commiserating. I AM NOT ONE OF THEM. I realize and accept my own limitations. My skill comes in helping people navigate tricky situations using these concepts. I am an action man, not a hand holder. We have very few hand-holders here but the ones we do have are greatly appreciated.

It REALLY does take a village. But it makes no sense to get hurt and angry at posters because they don't provide "support" in a specific expected way; setting unrealistic expectations will always lead to disappointment. Volunteers are not obligated to provide any support in the first place. Most of us have demanding jobs, families and marriages to tend to. They ARE entitled to our attention.

Support is freely given here, and there are no special entitlements to something that is freely given. Our own marriages come first.

And even in that, the divorce might be the best solution.

Thanks for this peachy, because it confirms that I was not cursed because I beleived the principles laid out in MB way before I read them here.

Vilifing my late WW is not the answer for peace internaly, nor is beating myself up for being such a sap, and sympathising and trying to bear everything.

Its like we get caught up in our emotions and we can't find a way out. I can understand how that can be a trap for us all, and the first person we need to forgive, is ourselves.

But yes we still need guidance, because the world is full of traps, and we need to adress them, with humility and wisdom, we are allways learning.

CP, I agree that sometimes divorce is the definition of success. Just because a person is divorced does not mean they failed. Sometimes they succeeded!

I wasn't suddenly gone, MB. I posted regularly here through March and on beyond that (my memory, thanks to menopause, isn't what it once was.)

The major factor of my "disappearance" was the deteriorating health of my sister. She does have pulmonary fibrosis. It is a death sentence. No one lives longer than a dozen years who has it. She's 51. We don't know how long she's had it, so we don't know how long she has left.

I don't know how to say this re the other site, and given that I've already tried to address it once, maybe I should just stop.

I went there because I wanted a different perspective. I was desperate. I haven't found anything new--lots of people have recommended plan B to me and Dr. Harley. (Ironic, huh?) Some of you will be thrilled to know that my plan B is total and complete. Until Monday's deposition, that is.

I have found a more protected place to post--as someone going through a bitter divorce, I found that attractive.

I don't know what you mean about post counts. I primarily stay where my posts are; I do read about other affairs--still looking for answers. I don't care about the **edit**drama. I am not political; I eschew polarizing comments. I just want to recover my marriage and myself.

You've all managed to make me feel as though I was ungrateful for the support here, when that is far from the truth.

I gave my daughter 2 of Dr. Harley's books. I consulted with Jenn. I've recommended more than a dozen people to this site.


When did I outright reject the program? I bought the books, read them, read Scottie's thread, read Mimi's thread, read a lot of threads, consulted with Jenn--worked and worked to be ready to do a proper plan B and after entering it, my WH filed for divorce. Still carried on the plan B through March in a deep, dark manner and gave it up when I got a court date and knew I would have to face him. Not totally, but just didn't care if he saw me or not. Depression in action, I suppose.

Nothing else but that. I wanted to be a success story, but I wanted it to be about saving my marriage. Not me. I don't care so much about me.

You rejected all the advice posters gave to go into Plan B, which was subscribed by Marriage Builders. But like I said, that is your prerogative, just as it is my prerogative to move onto other posters who are serious about using the program.

I just checked your thread, HopeandGrace, and there are hundreds of posts from fellow posters. And I believe you even had another thread at one time that also had hundreds more from fellow board members. I personally made no less than 20 of those posts to you.

When I was new here I was lucky to get *TWO* posts to my threads. I NEVER got 20 posts from one person like you got from me, I doubt I ever got 20 posts in TOTAL to my threads. But I can't imagine putting down Marriage Builders and showing utter ingratitude for the help I did get. I am extremely grateful, even today, for the very few posters who took the time to post to me.

You got hundreds of posts, on the other hand. hundreds.. So it is not truthful to say you didn't get support here. You most certainly did. Much, much more than me and most others.

Yes I agree unrealistic expectations are for dreamers, and I am all for the basics being the more important,(and most ignored), criteria in all human relationships. I am not a Machevellian. "The end justifies the means".

Back when my late wife was in charge of the children, I was an observer and the enforcer, of what made sense, and would only ad to what made sense, and what didn't, I would take my wife aside and talk to her about it, and let it stay simple.

But as you know that deterorated, as she did.

Your simple and direct approach to the ailments found in todays marriages, is the best and most all encompassing help for these people in crisis. Regaurdless of how everyone wants to feel thier situation is special, in reality they are not, not in the basics, not where it really counts. Not where it will bring about the most change.

You are and have been a Godsend for many people here, and I say that knowing full well that you are just a portion of the love of Christ remenant on the earth. You spread yourself thin in this forum, and I for one could not do what you do, because I have a different portion.

I don't allways feel that I have something to offer, but I beleive it takes a lot of different people, with the same beliefs, to help heal the damaged and stand up against evil, which is anything outside of Gods plan.

Marriges are an example on earth of Gods plan for eternity and an attack against them is an attack against Gods design for humanity. Keep fighting the good fight Mel.

I'm not angry or hurt about anyone here. Mostly I'm extremely grateful for the love I felt here from a few special posters. I'll admit, I was hurt that you dropped your support of me when I couldn't yet bring myself to go to Plan B, but I did have peachy and Scottie and princessmeggy and others supporting me.

Toward the end of the time I posted here the support was evaporating. I know people are busy. I honestly don't know how you post as much as you do, ML. I believe people thought I was further along in recovery than I was and so went on to help others. That's fine, but I still needed support.

It's my fault that I didn't convey that. No one here is a mind reader. I'm a most private person, so reaching out for help was a difficult thing for me to do. Communicating solely through this medium--it seems it's something I'm not the best at. Again, my problem.

Rather than continue to try to justify who I am and what I've done or not done regarding another site, I think I'll just bid adieu. Thanks to those who have been a life-giving support to me over the past desperate months of my life. Thanks to all who tried to help me help myself. I wish all of the people here the best.

You are a dear, dear man, CP, and I so appreciate your kind words to me. I have been so richly blessed in my own marriage that I passionately want others to have that too. Thank you for this.

You are getting hit from many sides..May God pull you though.

This site is only part of the many angels speaking to you. again my prayers for you and I hope you have a support group and a shoulder you can cry on, because you are surely going through it.

I am sorry that was not enough for you. You had the support of 3 of our best, most committed posters. That is 3 more people than I had supporting me when I was new on this board. And many, many others, including me, posted to you numerous times. Somehow I suspect nothing would be enough, though.

Again, we are back to entitlement attitudes and unrealistic expectations, which are a sure way to disappointment.

I didn't reject it because I disagreed with it. I just didn't want to end contact with my WH. Stupid, yes--I see that now.

Yes, I did get a lot of posts at the beginning and for several months. I have said that it was at the end of the time I was here that support really dwindled. Others had busy lives; I understand that. But I did need more. I'm still very depressed (even today) and suicidal ideation comes in waves--every 3 months or so. That nice vacation I took to the beach--hardest thing I've ever done because it was moving on without my WH. I was seriously, but quietly, suicidal after that. Only my counselor and my sister knew the depth of my despair.
Putting down MB? Utter ingratitude? Where did I ever do that? Where? Show me, please. I have done nothing of the sort. Haven't I stated my gratitude? I've only said that I felt I needed more support. If you knew me, you would agree. I am a broken woman. I can't get my head to over-rule my heart on anything.



I was referring to the end of my time here, when support had dwindled. I still needed more. I'm not going to apologize for that. We're all different. I'm trying to like myself just the way I am. An uphill battle, because I only see the faults that WH enumerated to me when he broke my heart.

And now I'm done.

Well TY Mel, and can I say that if it wasn't for the steps my late wife took, that were so close to what is laid out in MB, I also would not have known the how blessed it could have been, having come so close.

If, well if, we had had Dr H.

During those years, there were some times, preciuos times, even being somewhat overshadowed with the struggles she/we had, that keeps me in the realization, that it could have been different, as it can for all of us.

It can be for us all, in Gods timing, and if we will, as he does. Its all in our submission to His authority.

Oh come on Hope&Grace, let's have a little honesty here. I've read what you've had to say about MB. I personally reached out to you too.**edit** I reached out to you before because I KNEW you were hurting and I was more than happy to help you. Wow.

I'm sorry you're hurting and I'm sorry to see you suffer. I hate adultery more than anything. For real, but geeze louise, how does back-stabbing those who helped you so much help you? And for what?

Amazingly enough people would STILL be willing to help you because that's the caliber of people we have around here.

***edit**

If you give your friends the books, why don't you send them HERE?

I truly wish you well.

If this comment below was intended to convey "gratitude" it completely missed the mark. I assure you:



And is astonishing in view of the fact that you had some extremely experienced veteran posters consistently posting to you. So no, what you said here does not convey gratitude, but a resentment fueled by an entitlement attitude and unrealistic expectations about the purpose of this forum.

Just because you need something does not mean others are equipped to provide it. The purpose of the forum is to help you with Marriage Builders concepts, not to hold your hand or "love" you. And most certainly the board is NOT equipped or qualified to help a suicidal person. It makes no such claims. It was your unrealistic expectations that has led to your disappointment.

Even so, by your own admission, several posters did stick with you even though they have families and careers to tend to.

****edit*** What did I say about MB other than I was afraid I was going to get lots of 2x4s for breaking Plan B? I believe I also said I was afraid of upsetting Scottie.

****edit****
Let me state for the record: ***edit***I'm a 54 year old woman who'd like to save her marriage. That's the beginning and end of me.

Again, I'm bumfuddled. Who have I back-stabbed here? When? Again, I think you're attributing motives to me that I don't understand.

I know that, but I can't get here during the day and have very limited time at night. I generally check in about once a week. This place is ever-changing. I try to keep up with old threads, but I recognize very few threads now.

The primary reason I'm there is to keep up with an old friend **edit**I'd emailed him when he disappeared from MB. Quite some time later, he emailed back. He's given me invaluable advice about something to do with my divorce (in his specialty area.) He emailed back during the time MB was off-line for several days, **edit**

I do and I have. They wouldn't recognize me here, as no one IRL or on other (teacher) boards I frequent knows my username. I've never sent anyone seeking marriage help anywhere else. Why on Earth would I?

As I do you, PM. From the bottom of my heart.

I didn't say anything about another site so you are attributing stuff to me I did not say.

Only one more thing to say to you H&G. You shouldn't believe everything you're told without verifying the info. People do lie, and it can lead to wrong perceptions about good people and hopefully one of these day you'll figure it out.

Good luck with the depos next week. Stay calm and don't let them get away with anything.

I guess that was three things.

That's right Melody, I did. Sorry. You get blamed for everything! Why I heard that you're so powerful that you're the reason there's a drought in Texas this year!