On a similar note, know what I hate? Poachers. People who come to MB or come back to MB for the sole purpose of trying to lure people away from MB, especially when they have left MB and gone to others sites and either disparaged MB or remained silent when others do. It makes me sick to my stomach that people can turn against a place where people have invested HOURS of their time to help them.

Yeah, I'm po'd.

How's that for a rant?

Amen Sistah! This is a GREAT place. It helped me save me, when my marriage to my very very xwh was over. Also helped me recover what I could and learn more about how to protect myself and my child in my divorce too.

Years passed and when I remarried, to the RIGHT guy, it has helped me and my wonderful new husband remain tight and have a fabulous marriage! It really works.

But if something doesn't work for you or if you want to try something else, then go do it. No need to dislike this place or the people here or try to lure somebody elsewhere. People are unique and have different ideas. Live in peace, do what you think is best, but no need to spread bad karma.

Ya'll want to know what I hate? I hate waywards who do unthinkable things to their spouse. Like Michaele Salahi who broke up (along with Neil Schon of Journey) two marriages.

She is a skank. How dare she do what she did. Just happy to hear her husband, after he found out she was NOT indeed missing, as he feared, EXPOSED THE HECK outta her and Schon. He exposed everything and let the media bottom feeders do their dirtiest work to expose the dirty affair to the world.

Really? Can people who post at MB not post at other sites to seek additional help? Can people who've posted here not want to keep contact with people who've been very helpful to them during the worst crisis of their lives?

One can have friends at many places on the internet; MB has been very good for me, but sometimes one just wants to see what other advice can be offered. I have sent people here from the teachers' board I frequent--women who have just discovered that their spouse is cheating on them. I always recommend HNHN and SaA to them.

The only thing I wished for at MB when I was a more regular poster was more support. All of the head clique washed their hands of me, because I was a spouse so hurting and desperate that I had an extremely difficult time breathing, let alone following MB.

I'm sorry about that. I wish I could have been a model MBer, but God didn't give me that capacity. I wish he had.

But amen again to Princess Meggy. I've helped many here, and trust me, it is only because I care. So many were good to me, in my hour of need, that I can only pay it forward.

I know this program works. I see it working every day. It keeps me and dh very happy together, and my child loves the fact his family (mom and stepdad) are so happy that it makes my child happier than you could imagine. Heck, it keeps us all tight.

Oh - that bugs me too, Meggy! The sneaking, the crawling, the covert deceit - it makes me want to take a shower, LOL! All to go to another place that is as slimely as you can get. I've been there - nasty. Very nasty.

For real? I look on your thread and see lots of posters posting to you. Was that not enough? See, we are all volunteers here, HopeandGrace; we are all here for the same reason you are and have no entitlements. I know I personally posted to you several times so I am a little shocked that you are so ungrateful about the help you did receive.

Did you feel that you had a special entitlement to a certain level of support that others don't get? Could the source of your discontent be an unrealistic expectation of the time of other volunteers here?

Melody, you told me yourself that you were removing yourself from my thread because I was a train wreck waiting to happen because I would not go to plan B when you thought I should. That was very hurtful to me; another rejection just after my WH had rejected me. I ached about this for months.

There was no special sense of entitlement--just what is evidently an unusually low feeling of self-worth. I decided you and my WH were both right--I wasn't worthy of consideration.

I did have some very good support over many months, primarily from Scottie, but--I don't know how to explain it. Maybe everyone thought I was in better shape than I was. I wasn't. I needed a lot of support, frequently. Perhaps that is because of the length of my marriage or something about my psyche, but I did need more hand-holding, lots more. I almost did what Mimi did--post to bump my thread to the top, every day.

I offered advice here, when I thought I could. But as someone who felt like such a failure for not being a model MBer, I feared any advice I gave would be wrong. I didn't want to hurt anyone in an innocent attempt to help, so I shut my mouth and tried to learn.

Going to another place was another attempt to try to learn more about WH's motivation for his affair. That's what I do--I've read more about depositions and TN divorces in the past month than even I thought would be possible just to be prepared for Monday. My sister pointed out that I didn't have to study for the deposition but I need to know what will be asked of me this time around.

I've never tried to lure or poach anyone to another place. That's just not my style. Never has been; never will be.

Not that anyone here is entitled to get ANY posts, but I will explain a key factor. The goal of volunteers is to help people learn and implement Marriage Builders. When a poster rejects such advice, volunteers tend to move on. I know I do. I don't come here to chat, yak, yip or say "atta girl;" I come here to guide others through this program.

That is MY idea of support and that seems to be consistent with the other active volunteers. So if your idea of "support" is commiserating and chatting, then yes, you will be disappointed. This is an ER room, after all, not a chat room. If one expects that kind of support, then disappointment will be their lot in life.

And it sounds to me, HopeandGrace, that this is the source of your disappointment. You were looking for a place to commiserate and you wandered into the wrong place for that. And that is ok, but please realize that the kind of "support" we give here is a crash course in MB.

Honestly, the pain can be so deep sometimes no amout of human interaction seems enough, and we still are left feeling misunderstood.

We wish someone could give us the magic bullet, and even the best hearts in the world can't, because they don't have it, or we are not ready.

"When the student is ready, the teacher shall appear", and MB will not allways fit at the time people are searching, and don't know what they are searching for.

But for human relations that are based on responsible self love and the love of others, I know there is probably no better sources than this site, or the authors.

Thank God for MB, it helped me make sense out of a very painful time in my life, and still retain my love for my late wife, as it should be with all that touch our life, without being slaves to it.

I didn't want a place to commiserate. I wanted a place that would help me recover my marriage---I was DESPERATE for this. I'm sorry as I can be that I just could not get on board with the program as soon as you thought I should.

I'm there now. Is it too late for my marriage? I think so. Do I regret that? Yes, enormously. Would I change anything I've done. No, because I tried so very hard at the time and just couldn't do it. Wanted to, so very much. Believed in Plan B so very much. But, like a very overweight person, or someone dying of lung cancer who still smokes--I knew what I needed to do but could not do it, not even to save my life.

I was a failure.

Praying for continued peace for you, As for myself

***edit***


I asked that my name be changed here for my protection, a long time ago.

I post in a protected place at another site, so use my former handle. (I've used since 1995.)

Why are you using it now?

I am sorry you were hurt, but I would suggest your hurt feelings came from unrealistic expectations about what to expect from other volunteers here. I have no interest and no cause to post to someone who refuses to follow Marriage Builders concepts. That is all I am here for. The fact that you were disappointed tells me you had unrealistic expectations that were based on a feeling of entitlement. I am not obliged to post to anyone. It is your prerogative to ignore the advice given, but it is also my prerogative to stop posting to anyone who is not interested in using MB concepts. That is where my interest lies, after all. I am not a hand holder, that is not in my nature.


I agree, and this explains why you were disappointed. You were looking for much more than this forum offers. That is not the kind of the help we usually give here. So it is probably good that you found a place where you will get lots of hand holding. And I do mean that sincerely.

You're a good man, CP. Thanks for your good wishes.

Actually you outright rejected the program. And that is fine! That is your prerogative. But it is also my prerogative to move on when you show no interest in the program. As I said previously, I am not a hand-holder, I am here for one reason: to help people understand and use Marriage Builders. If you want help with that, I am your gal. If not, then I won't take it personally, but I have no reason to stick around.

What bothers me, however, is the ingratitude shown to the many posters who did take the time to post to you and try to help you. I know I spent a lot of time posting to you myself.

I have no idea what you mean and didn't know that is why you changed your name but I did change my posts.

Who are the 'head clique', Hope? I remember posting to you - and then suddenly, you were GONE.

If you are referring to posters who gave up trying to help you, well, okay. Those are the 'head clique'.

This site is clear - there are no weird little things going on like there are on other sites. Nothing like weird little funny number counts on PMs - we don't go there at all - or reverent observance of navel-gazing by has-been professionals who have nothing of import to say.

We save marriages here. When they can't be saved, we support the health of the spouse who attempted to save the marriage.

What else are you looking for?

Let God be the Judge of that

Interesting, this verse came to mind, "A smoking flax he shall not quench", and it is a remeinder that as low as our spirit gets, God will not snuff it out.

I did a search and found it in both the old and new testement, and it reminded me me that Jesus came to fufill the law.

___________________
Isaiah 42:2-4
King James Version (KJV)


2 He shall not cry, nor lift up, nor cause his voice to be heard in the street.

3 A bruised reed shall he not break, and the smoking flax shall he not quench: he shall bring forth judgment unto truth.

4 He shall not fail nor be discouraged, till he have set judgment in the earth: and the isles shall wait for his law.

Matthew 12:19-21
King James Version (KJV)


19 He shall not strive, nor cry; neither shall any man hear his voice in the streets.

20 A bruised reed shall he not break, and smoking flax shall he not quench, till he send forth judgment unto victory.

21 And in his name shall the Gentiles trust.

I too feel like a failure, especially since I see how close I came, if I had only trusted my instincts, which were very much like the principles Dr. H lays out.

I am reticent to give it all over to God, so I am still beating myself up, but I trust the bitterness that I have because of the loss will eventually go, as I agree with Him.

Failure? We were designed to fail, to learn about His grace.

I wish you very well HnG. Very very well and I am sorry you're having the deposition. Know that it's not scary, but you can make it that way if you build it up in your mind. It is not scary in reality. Just a bunch of questions. You tell the truth and offer NOTHING ELSE up for the opposing attorney to use. Simple. Answer questions and only the answer, no elaborations, no explanations.

Everybody does their best here at MB. I sure did. Do I wish I did something different? Sure. I wish I did a shorter, far shorter plan A. But now we know for women, a short plan a works better. My D was a while ago.

Sometimes no matter what we do, a wayward will remain just that, a wayward. And at some point you decide do you wish you save yourself? I have peace and obtained peace courtesy of my faith and also from friends here at MB. I know I did all I could have done, all I knew to do and that my M was beyond saving. Even learned that in phone counseling too. My xwh was simply, going to remain as that.

But what I learned was not in vain. Not at all. It gave me an amazing recovery. Some financial issues took time, but I survived everything and eventually the pain wore off. And in time, when I met my dh, the tools I learned for a successful M here, WORK AMAZING! It keeps us so happy and close. And my child is happier too, because we are so close and all so happy and loving.

The way I see it, MB is like a recipe. You use the right ingredients, most of the time you'll get a great cake or pie. But if you skimp on one ingredient or leave one out, it won't turn out quite right. And then there are a few instances that even when you use the right ingredients, but say your oven isn't working right, or you're at a high altitude, the cake no matter what you do WILL NOT turn out right (like an unrepentant wayward or having to get a divorce).

You simply do the best to try to make the recipe as directed. MOST of the time the results are fabulous. But nothing is guaranteed. Mine wasn't guaranteed. But I kept trying the recipe when I remarried my dh, and guess what? It came out wonderful.

Maybe now you're just going to have to move through this situation and make things work. But do seek wisdom and seek successful outcomes and in time, you will have the right relationship with a right outcome. I happen to think MB has the right wisdom on marriage. So I'm gonna stick to that. Works for me. Not saying there's anything wrong with another site, it is just I see and have seen with my own eyes, and met people face to face who have had their lives changed for the better courtesy of MB.

I know Mamma Mels intentions, and I am a hand holder, and appreciate her direction in cutting to the quick, as you will also in time.

It takes a village