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"......you owe me an apology for hurting my heart."
The exact thing that came to my mind was EXPOSURE. I thought to myself how many waywards want us betrayed to apologize for EXPOSING their sordid adultery? THAT is my WW's current attitude!!!!!!!!!! UGH!!!!
BH(Me)= 55 WW(Her)=43 DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!) Married=13 yrs Together=16.5 yrs THIS IS MY STORYWW moved out of the home = May 1,2011 D-Day=July 4, 2011 Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!..... as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
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I had an experience this evening. I went to Target to spend too much money. As I walked out we beeped -- I turned around and the cashier waved go ahead.
As I was driving home my six year old son says to me I am going to go up to my room and play with my star cards. I turn around as he was pointing to his pocket.
Me: "Son, did you steal those star cards."
Thief: "Mom, I just want to go home."
Me: "Son, did you steal those star cards, give them to me immediately."
Thief: Starting to cry, "Mom, here -- I just want to go home to my room."
Me: "Nope, we are going back to Target. You know what the consequence is for stealing? Jail!! We will need to see what Target's consequence is for you."
Thief: "Mom, no I can't go to Jail I have school, no mom I just want to go home. No mom!!!!" Bawling his eyes out now.
I drove back to Target - brought him in and made him hand back the cards, tell them sorry, and then ask what consequence do they want for him.
.... Then on the way home my son says to me ...
"Mom, you owe me an apology for hurting my heart."
The exact thing that came to my mind was EXPOSURE. I thought to myself how many waywards want us betrayed to apologize for EXPOSING their sordid adultery?
I told my son, "I am not apologizing, your heart hurts because I held you accountable, and made you pay a consequence. Your stealing caused your heart to hurt. If you didn't steal, then I wouldn't have to turn you into the authorities."
I thought of my MIL who said I was so disrespectful to my WH for exposing and breaking into his email.
I thought - was I just disrespectful to my son for turning him in for stealing? Absolutely not - do the crime - do the time!!!
Okay Rant Over ....Did you really do this?
Last edited by barbiecat; 09/19/11 06:33 PM.
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Yes - My son stole these cards from Target tonight. I had him return it to them and tell them he was sorry and he asked what consequence do they want for him.
Is there a reason you highlighted his age, the consequences for stealing, and the fact he was crying?
Last edited by itistoughlove; 09/19/11 06:36 PM.
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yes.
Last edited by barbiecat; 09/19/11 06:40 PM.
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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You did great, itstoughlove! I bet he never forgets that lesson. I will never forget stealing erasers from the drugstore when I was 6. My mother hauled my little butt right back up there and made me apologize to the owner and return them. Good for you!!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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p.s. I also got a whipping when we got home!!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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My parents did the same to me. I copied my cousin when he stole a toy boat, so I just grabbed a doll. Seemed harmless.
I think I was five. I couldnt have been any older - because I would have known better!
I was hauled back down there. Sobbed and said sorry to the shop keeper. Then got sent to bed without any dinner. I felt like a worm.
Oh my goodness, it was so bad! But its what happens when you do something wrong... consequences and truth. Wouldnt want to live in a world without them.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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On the way out of Target a Policeman was walking out. I pulled over and said, "Mr. Policeman, can you please tell my son that when someone steals they send them to jail."
My son said "Sorry to the policeman, and I said, "Thank you Sir, just trying to teach the lessons of life."
The policeman asked, "Did he return the item?"
I said, "Yes, we just went in and returned it!"
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.... Then on the way home my son says to me ...
"Mom, you owe me an apology for hurting my heart."  I've gotta say, I kind of laughed out loud reading this. There are a lot of similarities between the selfishness of a wayward and the selfishness of a child. We see some of them regularly around here, and we've heard comments similar to this in an attempt to whine one's way out of consequences. 
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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And I think you did great with your son. Apologizing to our victims is embarrassing, difficult, painful ... and grows character.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Itstoughlove,
I did the same thing with my daughter when she was about 5, only she had stolen a pack of gum, and we were already home when I noticed that she was chewing it. I made her take the money out of her piggy bank, took her back to the store, and made her apologize to the store owner and pay for the gum. I confiscated and threw away the rest of the gum as a further consequence of stealing.
You absolutely did the right thing!
Barbiecat, there was nothing wrong with the consequences for itl's son.
"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"
BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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Returning the child to the store and returning the item, with an apology was appropriate.
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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I would like to rant about people who leave their cheating spouses and marry someone else while still emotionally involved in the cheating turd's life. Move on, or not. Pick one.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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I think you did the right thing also ITL and it certainly will help him understand those boundaries. What a character builder, to have to go back and apologize, and also be re-entered into the honest side of life again.
You did him a favor ITL, one that he will remember for a long time.
GReat Mom!!
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Why does it seem that BH's have the toughest time entering Plan B? It seems like they either believe that they should continue to Plan A, and then, opps no love left, or they just can't seem to get outta the way of their WW's.
As a BW, I was encouraged to Plan B after a short Plan A, as that is what is dictated by MB and DrH. It was so hard. I even spent many hours during Plan B worrying that I didn't do enough in Plan A(those are weak moments, I KNOW I did the right amount of Plan A).
A BH is encouraged to plan A longer than a BW for a few reasons, but one of the main ones is because the man should be the pursuer. But you can only do that for so long, until you just don't care anymore.
Please, BH's, get yourself into Plan B. It would help you as much as it helps a BW.
And to those XBSs out there, sometimes, when we say "Plan B your X" we are simply talking about going NC with them. While they are still in a wayward mindset, they aren't worth talking to, because they will just drag you into the drama of their life, which is still spiraling out of control. Get outta the way.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Itstoughlove,
I think it's an important lesson for children to learn (and I also
think stores should not put candy in the way of temptation for
children).
My daughter was about the same age when she stole some candy from the grocery. We walked back to the store together and she had to tell the owner what she had done.
On our walk back home (we live in a very small town), I stopped to chat with the Chief of Police, who was in his squad car, making the rounds. When I finished talking with hime and we resumed our way homeward, my daughter let out a huge sigh of relief and said "Oh thank you, mom, for not telling him what I did!" Lesson learned.
Me: BW,56
Him: WH,57
DD#1 25 yrs ago
DD#2 7 yrs ago
DD#3 May 12
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ARGH. Some contact in Plan B is breaking Plan B. That crosses the line. If it were a WS talking about some contact with their OP the boards would jump all over you. Remember, NO CONTACT.
I know it's more difficult, but that's why you are supposed to PLAN BEFORE you enter Plan B. Then, while you are in Plan B, you need to plug up the holes.
It's not impossible to go dark on a WS. Actually, when you have been dark for a while, most of the time, you want to stay that way. So please, for love of all that is holy and good, NO CONTACT DURING PLAN B.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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I agree!
Its like being a meat-eating vegetarian.
The wayward has taken your heart, pushed it through a mincer and refused to take even minimal steps toward healing you?
So obviously you would want to spend your time snooping on him and making contact, rather than treating yourself well?
I speak as someone who gets tempted to peek from time to time.
But someone who has done that to me and remains unrepentant DOES NOT GET TO LIVE IN MY HEAD RENT FREE......
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Posters who have an affair, break no-contact despite advice to the contrary, conclude MB doesn't work for them (after having not followed such crucial principles as no-contact), who then effectively bail out on their marriages, and then show up in the "After Divorce: Dating & Relationships" section to start questioning perspectives given over there without even updating their signature lines...
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Posters who have an affair, break no-contact despite advice to the contrary, conclude MB doesn't work for them (after having not followed such crucial principles as no-contact), who then effectively bail out on their marriages, and then show up in the "After Divorce: Dating & Relationships" section to start questioning perspectives given over there without even updating their signature lines... That's a bit vague, GO. Could you be more specific? 
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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