One year after our family relocated to this city my H of 7yrs had confessed that he is seeing another woman, I confronted the OP and exposed the affair to WS family and friends, I did everything I could to end the affair, he had been seeing her for 1 month and ended the relationship after I threatened to leave him, WS sent OP an email letting her know that they cannot continue the affair anymore as he needed to work on his marriage. The break-up only lasted for about 2 weeks until I discovered an email he sent to her begging for her to take him back, after confronting WS about the email he admitted he had resumed contact with OP and we just friends.

WS tries to assure me that he wants to fix the marriage but he can�t just let go of OP the way I asked him to, he claims that he loves me and his children and does not want to lose us, saying that he is not in love with OP but admits that he has feelings for her, she fills a void that I don�t which makes him miss her a lot. He asks me to tolerate and understand his behavior for now, he is just going through a phase that will end.

I�ve refused to take part in the affair and will be removing myself from this situation because he is adamant that the affair cant stop in the right manner, I have since packed his bags and asked him to leave, WS has every excuse not to move out and clearly has not made any effort to move out despite my request claiming he cant do that because of the children. At this stage I can�t move out as I currently rely on him financially.

3 months from now he will be getting a transfer back to our home city where both our families and friends live, I�m not sure if I should put up with his behavior until the transfer takes place, I feel a lot of resentment towards him although I still love him and don�t want to lose him. Every time I mention the affair and his need to end it, he blames me for this situation.

Right now, I intend ordering the book How to Survive Infidelity, but in the meantime I need to know what plan to use A or B as I have not exposed the affair to OP�s family � father in particular being the most influential person in her life as she is a single woman, I however exposed WS but that did not help, my last attempt was that I asked MIL to confront OP, it seemed to help as OP pushed WS away for sometime but WS convinced her to take him back as we were separating. Should I separate from WS or continue to expose OP to her relatives? Please give me advice if you can, I would really appreciate it.

Lost

BS age - 32
WS age - 35
OP age - 26
2 children

I have not exposed the affair to OP�s family � father in particular

Take a minute, and carefully write down the reasons you have for not taking this most powerful step. Got them all? Good, now tear up that list. They don't matter. What matters is doing ALL that can be done to break up the affair.

So, dial up Dear ol' Dad, and tell him what his darling daughter is doing.

Well I'm not the vet here, but your situation seems to have a few points in your favour.

---
WS tries to assure me that he wants to fix the marriage but he can�t just let go of OP the way I asked him to, he claims that he loves me and his children and does not want to lose us, saying that he is not in love with OP but admits that he has feelings for her, she fills a void that I don�t which makes him miss her a lot. He asks me to tolerate and understand his behavior for now, he is just going through a phase that will end.
---

You should absolutely not tolerate his behaviour for now. This will not get better by itsself and he is showing very poor judgement by going on with this.

You don't know the entire truth, This could have gone on longer and more deeply than you think. You should get a voice activated recorder for his car as well as a GPS-device so that you know what he is up to. Also snoop through his computer and cell phone. Look at the board 'operation investigate'.

As he is still on speaking terms with you and at least officially wanting to work on the marriage, you may be able to have him fill out the emotional needs and love busters questionaire on this board, so that you can try to meet his needs.

I'm sure he has some "needs" he would love to have met by this 26-year-old. He is being extremely selfish to you and the children.

It is extremely important to expose this affair to all people who could even remotely influence him that this is a bad idea. Without exposure, this romantic involvement of his, far from the hassles of the real world will only grow worse. Maybe he wouldn't have relapsed if you had exposed the first time around.

Personally, I would advice against moving out of the house, as this would mean that he is free to pursue this affair and make a physical affair out of an emotional one (if this is n't the case yet, you don't know). In three months the two of you will be going away from OW, which is good. But you do not want him to be entangled with her any more than he is now, or miss her more, or get her pregnant. If it it only three months, I would try to show up everywhere he does and make their meetings impossible. But that is my personal opinion. If you move out now, he will be so in love in three months, that he won't want to return.

Please read the carrot and stick of plan A, and start applying those today.
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...flat&Number=2400725&#Post2400725

Your plan of action:

1
gather evidence if applicable

2
gather names/e-mails/contacts of any people you could expose to (people you know, who know your husband and also people who know the other person - her mother might not be thrilled, that she is being used by a married man as a side dish)

3
Maybe probe your spouse nicely for his emotional needs before exposure, otherwise, you will probably be able to figure them out yourself.

4
expose to all people simultaneously (in a couple of hours). Do it this week, ASAP!!! If you take too long to do it, it will be less effective, or not effective at all, because he will be trying to play it down to them, just as he is doing to you.

5
Be as nice, beautiful and exciting to him as you can. Do not expect anything in return. Yet.

6
Expect him to be mad, MAD after exposure - this shows that it is working.

How did he meet this person, is she at his work? Can you take action to limit their contact?

Take action and protect your family. God bless you,

Happyheart

I don't have OP fathers contact details, but i intend finding out as WS recently mentioned to me that he will befriend her on FB, I have WS FB password , right now he is under the impression that I have accepted his affair and he is in such a relaxed state, he thinks he has my support, because after my sister confronted OP he became unhappy and asked me to discipline my sister for mendling in his affairs, me not thinking clearly, i emailed my sister to apologise for her actions, he made me feel guilty that my family have no respect for him, which is true in any case, this was just one of our problems in the past, he then forwarded the email to OP I think as an attempt to make her feel that I am not against this affair. how do i undo this?

Well, that's just wrong-headed thinking on his part, but he's a wayward, so you can expect just about anything to come out of their mouths. If he wasn't doing anything wrong, there would be nothing to feel guilty about.

Actually, it's no harm/no foul. Massive exposure should clean this up nicely. OP's guard will be down now that she's seen that email.

Here's where you need to get to work: get a keylogger on WH's computer and start collecting evidence to show to your exposure targets.

Go to www.intelius.com and search OPs name. You'll see a list of associated names come up with hers. (You may have to pay a couple of bucks to get the info.) Look for a man with the same last name who is older - that name is probably her father. Print off all the names - these people are some of your exposure targets.

As soon as WH friends her on Facebook go into his account and copy her friends list to a Word doc. (Password protect this document.)These are more potential targets for exposure.

Don't leave your house. Tell him he needs to get out. If he has a laptop computer that he might take with him, make sure that's the one you put the keylogger on.

Remind me, please - do they work together?

thanks for your advice Happyheart and previous, WS has mentioned to me the emotional needs that i am not fulfulling, during his 2 week break-up with OP I did everything I could to fulfill those needs, we had become close again, unfortunately he is in a very unhappy situation at work, he became and still is depressed due to work related issues, he met OP during this period of depression in the city, and claims to have approached her although I have my doubts, I believe that a friend of his introduced WS to OP.
when I discovered he had relapsed I have been taking care of his other needs except his sexual needs, I cant bring myself to even make love to WS, due to my resentment issues, Im unsure if this will push him further away from me. WS is so confused right now, he had a confrontation with my sister due to her email to OP and went on to mention to them how much he loves being in the company of OP, he is living a dream life that he wishes would never end, on the other hand when I confront him about his feelings for OP he tell me although he has feelings for her, he does not love her and will never commit himself to anywoman as he knows that commitment makes everything real and he will find himself in the same situation he is with me, he even promises that for now, he enjoys the feelings of love and respect from OP, as soon as he sees it fade away he will dump her and move on to another woman who will sustain those feelings, until he feels that he has had enough. yet on the same note he mentions how much he loves me and wants to fix our marriage ( just not yet )? now where does that leave me?
I know where OP works and have her work number, is it wise to expose her at work and how do I go about doing this?

---when I confront him about his feelings for OP he tell me although he has feelings for her, he does not love her and will never commit himself to anywoman as he knows that commitment makes everything real and he will find himself in the same situation he is with me, he even promises that for now, he enjoys the feelings of love and respect from OP, as soon as he sees it fade away he will dump her and move on to another woman who will sustain those feelings, until he feels that he has had enough---

Don't believe him. He is trying to get you to accept a situation where he can have two women in his life, catering to his needs. And did he just say he is planning on dumping her and getting another woman (OW might not be pleased if she overheard a tape of this conversation on a voice activated recorder...)

I can imagine that you cannot give yourself to this selfish image of your husband, but... Well, maybe you can work around the intercourse part a bit and pleasure him in other ways? You are probably not in the mood to fix him a nice dinner too, or be nice to him and cater to his other needs, but if you want to keep the marriage and get him out of the fog it is probably not very helpful if she jumps in where you're not in the mood.

Anyway, chances are, that once you expose, he may not be in the mood anyway, but until that can't you make one grand finale? You know his likes and dislikes better than she does, so you are in advantage.

- OK vets tell me if I'm off here-

About exposure in the workplace, do they conduct their affair during working hours? If She is calling/texting husband from her work phone and/or PC her employer might be interested. If not, I don't know.

I wonder what vows he exchanged with you on your wedding day. Maybe something like
"I will love you and cherish you until... someone comes along who seems a better option, but you can keep babysitting the children when I do!"

Don't believe a word he says. He is either deeply in the fog, or he is an idiot and egoist or both.
Question: who takes care of the children while he is with OW and Question 2: does he come home from work and go away or when and where exactly does he meet her and what do they do, do they go out on like dates?
Question 3: are you a SAHM or do you work too? and how old are your children?

Keep a clear head and kill the afair by exposing,

Happyheart

thanks for your advice, they dont work together, infact they work and live so far away from each other. He sees her once a week on Saturdays, he wants to keep the affair this way, as he feels that too much physical contact at this stage might spoil the affair. Although I understand they both phone and email each other on a daily basis.

Last week I sent him an email at work asking him in case he is not coming home he needs to ask OP to go for an HIV test, and I have asked him to do likewise. Some of his workmates came across the email and according to him it spread like wild fire, everyone at his work knows that he is having an affair, although some of them have encouraged him. He returned home from work the next evening, and explained to me that i drove him to do that because I ruined his reputation at work and he was mad at me for that, demanding me not to ever communicate with him via work email, even going to the extent of saying that he was done with our marriage and wanted out, but later explained to me that he only said that out of anger. Although still maintains that I should never email him at work again.

I have now given him the impression that I am not fighting for our marriage as I dont want to appear desperate, when i agree with his negative emotions, for example if he tells me to go back to our home city because I will be needing the support of family and friends, I simply agree with those remarks, he then turns around and asks me not go, telling me how much he wants me in his life.

All this is so confusing for me because I am so afraid to lose him.

Then her job is probably not an exposure target. You need to expose to the people who can bring pressure on the waywards to end the affair.

However, if her job is one that requires a certain moral stature from its employees you may want to consider exposing there. Baloney. You didn't 'drive' him to do anything. He's doing this on his own.

If he only sees her on Saturday, would it be an option to slip out of the house early in the morning, so that he cannot leave because of the children? Or show op at their 'date' with the children? Or let his car keys disappear?

If the children are old enough to understand, they can be told, that daddy has a girlfriend and that it is bad to have a girlfriend when you are married. And/or that trying to take away daddy from the family is mean.

I really think exposure is key here. I can't imagine that his parents want their grandchildren to grow up without a father. By all means, expose once you have evidence.

God bless

Happyheart

He will fall more and more in love with her if he continues to meet with and speak with her.
You can not ultimately control if he continues the affair with her but you can make it as un-romantic for them as possible.
Yes, show up at her place with the kids. Cause no scary scene....just say "this is our family."
Cancel home internet (post to us at the library or whereever). Cancel his cell phone (he will go out and get another but it shows you won't support it). Ask him to move far away with you (he won't right now but you have asked which is great for future rebuilding if you can get to that).

Avoid love busters. Selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts.

BTW....cancelling his channels to contact with her are not any of those things if you do them matter of factly and with a smile when he finds out say "For this marriage to survive, you need to stop all contact with her". (that is a fact not a demand)

Of all the exposure targets who I exposed to...the most effective one (outside of our own children) was the OP's mother.

Got a phone call from her...once she stopped ripping into my W for the affair, and said "...I'll be having a talk with my son...", then was propbably the moment the affair began its demise...

Expose. Take it from a knucklehead who argued w/ the vets and hesitated...thankfully, not too long before it was too late.

Good luck.

I am a SAHM who is trying to run a home based business at the same time, I take care of the children 2yrs and 5yrs old whilst his out with OW.
He has made it a point to come home every night except on three occassions where he slept out, 2 occasions was before they had broken up, he spent the whole weekend there, the 3rd occasion was recently when he told me he did it because I pushed him to it for ruining his reputation at work. He had promised me that he would not sleep away from home, he would not want to leave me alone with the children.

He has also made it a point to see her only once a week, on Saturdays but now that I seem to have driven them closer with that email to my sister, I'm not sure if he will commit to his promises, as I have also stopped fulfulling his sexual needs.

He meets OP at her place, I have found evidence that they are deeply intimate, of which he has not denied.

thanks helpfordad

with all the advice I've been given so far, I will definitely expose this to OP's workplace and relatives.

Please pray for me!

v1212, I used to work with a woman who was in the same situation as you. Her WH was living two lives - being at home during the week and then spending weekends with OW. Spending Christmas morning at home, then off to OW's to celebrate with her and her family in the evening, etc.

My work associate never lifted a finger to actively end her WH's affair. Oh, sure - she hated it and didn't want her life to be that way. But she enabled her WH to continue by her lack of action.

Don't be that wife.

Thanks reading,
I was also thinking that I might ask for help from his superiors and workmates, maybe I could ask them to make him work overtime and possibly ask them to avoid OP calling and emailing him. I wonder, even though I know he does not have good relationships with his supervisor and currently has been depressed at work, should I take this step as well?, if it fails wont it drive him further away from me?

since I've told him that we are separating, and made it seem like i dont care, do you think I should interrupt his meetings with OP. I got the impression that If he sees that I am fighting for this it will only draw him closer to her.
confused again!

I wouldn't do this, v1212. You'll come off sounding like a pathetic wife/mommy figure. They're not going to alter your WH's work schedule because his frantic wife called them, going on about an affair and asking them to put him on overtime. Also, if he doesn't have a good work relationship with his superior this call could make that relationship much worse. That's not your goal.

Exposure to the workplace is typically done with the two adulterers work together. That's not the case here.

I felt a bit uneasy about it myself, advice taken, thanks

If you can get him on tape or email to say these things I would foward them to the OP. That was one of the things that helped my WH break it off..... or she did it for him. Im sure she is hearing the exact opposite. Let her see how much she means to him.

In my case she saw texts he was sending me while with her after d-day telling me he loved me and would never leave me. It set her off. She had plan for the future and he didn't.