|
|
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 3
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 3 |
I am new here. Let me start off by saying that I had an affair last winter. I got involved with a much older man. He made me feel like I had never felt before. I fell really hard for him and we broke it off in Jan after my husband found the phone he had given me so we could communicate w/o my husband knowing. After Jan we talked a few times on the phone and exchanged a few texts. At the end of March my husband discovered a text he had sent me and all hell broke loose. He called his wife, yes - he was also married and the whole sordid affair was broken open. Months later now I am really struggling. I am still in love with the O/M even though I know he was just using me (that's a whole other story). Prior to the affair I was not really happy in my marriage. We argued a lot, he threatened different things alot, he was very controlling. Sex was terrible, to the point where I didn't even really want him touching me and it is still like that. I don't think I will ever feel that way about him, I mean I haven't up to this point and we've been married for almost 14 years. I am so lost and miserable. I tell him I want to work it out and I do, but the feelings are gone. Also, we have 3 children. I have broken off all contact with the O/M and never want to see him again. I am at a loss as to what to do with my marriage. Is is fair to my spouse to stay in the marriage the way I am feeling?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
Was it fair to your spouse to have an affair?
What ACTIONS have you taken to compensate him for this terrible, heartbreaking wrong you have committed upon him?
If you still feel this way months on about the OM, it sounds like you are still triggered. Do you ever look at his facebook page, do you still have any gifts/tokens/pics from him? Do you ever see him, even in passing?, do people ever mention him to you?
No contact must mean you never know of his existence ever again.
The way you are feeling about your spouse is entirely down to your continuing fog re the OM. Get rid of the fog, and you can have a great marriage.
Nowhere here do I hear any gratitude for the enormous gesture your h has made by allowing you to stay. Do you not find that gracious of him, considering what the appalling breach of trust you have submitted him to? He must love you very much.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 3
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 3 |
Yes, I feel very ashamed for what I did. I punish myself all the time. I know I am a horrible person for what I did. I wish it had never happened. I absolutely regret it. Instead of doing what I did, I should have sat my husband down and talked to him about how I was feeling. I made a huge mistake, I know that and I have to live with it every day. Yes my husband does love me very much, I know that I hurt him horribly and I am horribly sorry for it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
But what are you doing about it?
Have you eliminated OM from your life AND all objects/discussions/people/websites that lead to thoughts of the OM?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 3
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 3 |
When I say no contact, I mean no contact. I have not seen him in any way, shape or form. I feel alone in all this, nobody understands how I feel and I don't really feel like being attacked. It's hard enough as it is.
I suppose I'm not really still in love with the OM, I miss the way he made me feel. I guess there's a huge difference.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
Ok you havent seen him, but what about the other things? Like gifts, pictures, people who mention him and his facebook?
I dont say this to attack you, but to help you root him out. I think it is a very serious situation that you are still linked to a POSOM who used you and I do not think freedom can come too soon for you.
For what its worth, I am currently going NC with my WH, a man I loved deeply for 15 years. I wouldnt be able to do it if I kept any triggers around, it would be too hard.
I understand your situation is different however, because the intense short lived highs of an affair are similar to a cocaine fix.
Therefore you will have to work very hard to get NC completly underway.
OTH, you have a committed caring man by your side who loves you. Which I do not think is a bad deal tbh.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240 |
Welcome to MB. Have you read the book SAA? What have you done to help build a romantic marriage? What LBs are you guilty or committing? What are your BH's top ENs?
See, your focus shouldn't be on OM at all. He was a user, and he isn't worth any more of your time or energy. Focus on your marriage instead.
If there really are no triggers than it is within your power to stop thinking about OM, you need to just STOP.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I don't think I will ever feel that way about him, I mean I haven't up to this point and we've been married for almost 14 years. I am so lost and miserable. I tell him I want to work it out and I do, but the feelings are gone. Also, we have 3 children. I have broken off all contact with the O/M and never want to see him again. I am at a loss as to what to do with my marriage. Is is fair to my spouse to stay in the marriage the way I am feeling? Hi MLC, welcome to Marriage Builders. Most marriages do not recover from affairs. They limp along in a crippled state of the pre-affair marriage and are more vulnerable to an affair afterwards than before. Your marriage doesn't have to be like that. Many of the folks here, including me, have romantic, passionate marriages today because we used this program. If you use this program, you can transform your marriage and have more passion than what you had with this loser who just used you and spit in your face. Really. I would like to give a BRAVO to your husband for manning up and contacting the OM's wife to kill your affair. He did you a great big favor by doing that. In the meantime, here is a path out of your miserable marriage: Ways to recover your marriage using the MB resources, ranking from the fastest, most effective horse down:
1. Marriage Builders online programs. They range from home study programs to guided courses that assign you a coach and walk you through the weekly lessons. In some of them you have daily access to Dr Harley. Courses range from $195 to $995. My H and I went through the online version and had remarkable results. here
2. Phone coaching with Dr. Harley's children, Steve Harley or Dr. Jennifer Chalmers. The last I checked, these sessions were about $200 a session. They assess your situation and give you an action PLAN. They are often successful in motivating reluctant spouses. They don't waste your time talking about your childhood or your feelings. They get right down to the business of transforming your marriage.
3. Do It Yourself. I have known many couples here who transformed their marriages using the books and listening to the radio show. This is a great way to do it if you are self disciplined and committed. Depending on your situation, you could use the books Surviving an Affair [for affairs obviously], Lovebusters, and get the workbook that has all the questionaires in it, Five Steps to Romantic Love. If there is no affair, substitute the book, HNHN for SAA.
The Harleys sell these books cheap on this website. OR you can buy used books from Amazon OR you can get free books by emailing Dr Harley a question for his radio show. I got most of my initial books free over the years from calling his radio show.
The book Effective Marriage Counseling will give you a complete step by step process that might help too. We have had members who brought that book to their own marriage counselors and asked him to walk them through the program so that is another way it can be done. That book has a survey in it that measures your progress. Your MC can use it to measure his progress.
Transforming your marriage does not take long if you are diligent and committed.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
Listen to Mel, she is yoda!
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Listen to Mel, she is yoda! bubba yoda!?  thankyew .... 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,495
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,495 |
I suppose I'm not really still in love with the OM, I miss the way he made me feel. I guess there's a huge difference. Misery, Welcome to MB. Are you aware that you are quite possibly suppressing all the other feelings you felt during the affair? Honest questions here... 1) Didn't the sex make you feel dirty, knowing it was another woman's husband you were stealing from her? 2) Didn't the guilt from hiding the Affair drive you crazy at times? 3) are you aware of how much lying to yourself you had to engage in to tell yourself that this was ok on any level? If you want those feelings, don't you feel you owe it to yourself and your H to try and achieve it in your own marriage. where you made the commitment to honor, love, cherish and be with in sickness and in health, for better or worse until death? CV
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
Welcome to Marriage Builders, misery.
Questions, please:
How did you meet and begin the affair with this much older man?
What does your husband say about this? I assume he wants to remain in the marriage. Have you disclosed all of the details of the affair to his satisfaction? Have you given him all passwords to email accounts, etc, as a measure of complete transparency for him? Do you ensure that he is always aware of where you are and what you're doing? Have you been honest with him about the dissatisfaction you feel in your marriage?
From the tone of your post, it sounds like you ended the affair and replaced it with...nothing. This is dangerous, misery. There are needs you have that OM was filling. Those needs are not being met by anyone if your BH is not aware of what they are. You are vulnerable to another affair in this state. This is the crippled version of the marriage that MelodyLane referenced in her post to you.
How many hours a week are the two of you spending together in undivided attention? That is time spent with just the two of you - no kids - doing things that put the focus on each other. Think back to the days when you were dating and couldn't wait to spend time together. You planned those times. You need to plan these. Dr. Harley says that a couple recovering from an affair will need to spend 25-30 hours per week in UNDIVIDED attention to each other in order to fall back in love.
And I believe you did love him at one time. You can get that back, misery. That 'love' you claimed you felt for OM? That was a love of the need-meeting he was doing. Turn that to your H and give him the chance to meet your needs.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 835
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 835 |
MLC,
Welcome.
Come on back and answer the questions asked here. Don't be afriad, and don't be offended. Just come back.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
147
guests, and
46
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,659
Posts2,323,613
Members72,372
| |
Most Online9,682
May 13th, 2026
|
|
|
|
