Hello,

It's been a long while since I've been to MB, but I remember the great advice & support I received during my time here.

I have been very happily divorced (yes - it CAN happen!) since 11/20/06. For the most part, I have put my Ex-H out of my life and my mind....but for the last year he has been up to his old tricks and is causing me a lot of stress.

When we divorced, we agreed to split 50/50 of our DS's college support. All goes along, and as DS's high school graduation date approaches, XH makes it VERY clear that he believes that as of DS's 18th birthday (mid-May 2010) that he is DONE with child support. He does not remember the college agreement.

Although we have a 2006 decree that states we agreed to split the college "support" 50/50, he is fighting it & wanting to only contribute to tuition & books. DS is attending community college & is living at home with me as he did since the divorce. XH never saw DS more than a few hours a week during visitations (no overnights), so I support him 99%.

DS - since turning 18 (and XH's fight over college payment) has refused any contact at all with XH. DS works almost full-time & carries a full courseload at school and also took out student loans to make sure he could go to school when it became clear that XH would not pay.

We went to arbitration in March 2011 during DS's freshman year. Arbitrator awarded DS full support - we thought it was over and we could move on. But XH appealed and now a full trial is scheduled for November 2011. Ridiculous! My court costs to defend myself in this have now cost more than my half of DS's schooling! But I cannot legally get out of this. DS is now ready to start his sophomore year of college & XH has not paid a dime...towards anything. Meanwhile, I support DS every day & am going further into debt with legal fees.

XH is fighting this only because he can. He is still angry with me for divorcing him. I think he really can't stand me being happy.

I thought that when I divorced him that he would not be able to hurt me again....but he just found a new way to do it!


Shelle

Hi, Shelle,
College is expensive! This is tough. Really, the only thing you can do is hold tight and see what the court determines. I suspect they're not going to look kindly upon a father who refuses to contribute to his son's college expenses. Especially if you can demonstrate that the costs are heavy for you, DS is pulling a full course load, AND working to help defray his own expenses.

Do you have an attorney? It would be a good idea to retain one.

Of course you know that the real loser here, either way, is your ex. I can't imagine putting my wallet ahead of my child.

Well, hopefully your XH will lose in court and then he will be stuck paying the college expenses AND his own legal bills. Did you request that he pay yours as well in your filing? Seems only fair to me.

The arbitrator did not look kindly upon XH during the arbitration hearing, in which XH kept referring to our son as "the kid". X appealed the arbitration award and has refused to pay anything at all - even tuition & books, which he supposedly is not opposed to splitting.

His issue is with continued "support" payments, which is how the courts in our state have decided many of these cases. They take the child support worksheets & then factor that into the college support split. Usually it goes 1/3 each parent & 1/3 child.

My point is - we have an agreed, signed, parenting plan from 2006 that we stated we would split 50/50 the "support" of DS when & if he decided to go to college. If XH and I had remained married, we would be equally bearing the costs of DS's college "support" now - which includes room & board (and other costs) as well as tuition & books.

DS is attending the local community college that is just two miles from our home. If he was to have gone off to a campus across state or out of state, I could maybe understand XH's issue with it.

DS19 is our only child. Neither XH or I have gone on to have children with anyone else, so this is the only child we are responsible for. At the time of our divorce in 2006, we agreed that DS should not be burdened with student loans.

XH makes more than I do and per his financial declaration to the court has $30k sitting in his savings account, so it is not that he is unable to pay as agreed, he is just unwilling to.

And he wonders why his relationship with DS is non-existent?


Thanks,
Shelle

I have two views on this.

1. If you promise to do something, do it. But if folks would do that, then there wouldn't be affairs, divorce, etc.

2. There is no right to a free, paid for by your parents, or anyone else college education. If you hadn't divorced, the courts wouldn't come into your home saying how much either of you had to contribute to the college education. Frankly, I don't believe a divorce decree or child custody arrangement should address college tuition.

I worked and earned scholarships. I didn't expect my mother or grandmother to pay my way. I think one of the best things for a recent high school graduate is the responsibility of financing your college education.

Sorry your XH is such a dope.

If you think a parent should pay, then pay. But just because someone HAS money isn't a valid reason to expect them to pay. I went to a top 25 university, earned TWO degrees in 9 semesters, and borrowed very little of the total cost. By no means was I BURDENED by the student loans I took out.

I think your XH should pay something. Not because he has money, but because he said he would pay. But if his view was a child needs to earn his/her way through school, I would totally support that view.

My divorce decree stipulates support stops when my daughter graduates high school. Her parents paid her way, I earned my way. There will be a fight if she expects me to pay simply because I managed to save and spend less than I make.

To make me pay would be depriving me of my role in parenting. Providing opportunities for my daughter to learn and grow more resourceful and less dependent upon mom and dad.

To me, this is definitely about seeing that XH is held to following thru on the promise & committment that he made.

DS has worked since he was 15 and is very responsible. DS has never expected anything from us - especially after the divorce. He has taken out a student loan in his name only for this first year.He has paid for all his books, fees, parking, etc.. He deserves our parental support - I have provided my share daily & XH has chosen to pay nothing at all.

(As a side note, XH has also ignored court orders to have medical insurance for DS, life insurance policy for himself with DS as beneficiary, and when our child support was open to be raised, I never pursued it. I am not out for extra $$$ from him.)

XH is argumentative about EVERYthing... to the point of adnauseum....and is doing it to us now via court. He is using the court system to punish me & DS. I cannot legally bow out of this until it is completed, so we have to see it thru.

It's just frustrating to have his very negative energy back in my life.... I had cleared my head & my heart after DV'g in 2006 and this process has brought some of that pain back.


Shelle