I want to stop thinking about her having sex with him. DD was July 23, 2011. Our "recovery" has been amazing. Thank God for Dr. Harley's advice. We have followed it religiously. She immediately ended all contact. She has been very remorseful and sorry. We really worked through our emotional needs and were shocked to see just how poorly we both were doing at meeting them. We are working so hard to meet them now and have reconnected in ways that are better than we have ever been in our marriage. Our love making is so connected and wonderful, we are spending real quality time together, conversing, laughing, exercising and even cleaning. She is being so attentive and appreciative. I am really listening to her and being supportive. Everything is working so very well. The affair was only 3 weeks long, but fairly torrid. It took her a month to do it, but she did admit to sleeping with him. It happened once, at the end. They had been drinking and went back to his place. She said it was awful, she felt so empty, and that she was racked with guilt over it. She just felt like she couldn't tell me right away because she knew it would hurt me so much and she was so afraid of losing me. But that she didn't feel like she could lie to me anymore. The truth is, I knew in my mind that she had slept with him, and was so pleased that she felt like she could be honest with me and trust me to tell me, that the revelation was bittersweet. But I have to tell you, that I can't stop thinking about him being with her, holding her, having sex with her. I'm not a prude, we both had sex with plenty of people before we were married, so its not like I am hung up on it because I think she is all of a sudden "un-pure" or something. And I totally know why she did it, I wasn't meeting her emotional needs. Like Harley says, we're all wired for it and I probably would have done the same thing under the right circumstances. But it doesn't change the fact that my mind often wanders to thoughts of the two of them having sex. I wouldn't say I'm obsessed by it, but it sure hurts when I think about it and I do think about it at least once a day. I want to move on. She has been very patient, she has vowed to give me all the time I need to recover and to talk about it. And I told her about this a couple of weeks ago and she was so very sorry and caring. But - I know continuing to bring it up will only cause Love Withdrawals. I really do forgive her, completely. And I want to move past this and continue on the course we are on and continue to grow and make massive love deposits. Any advice out there would be so greatly appreciated!

razcc, you just found out so it is not realistic to expect you would be able to stop thinking about it so soon. You can't cure normal. It will fade in time, but it won't be soon. I am sorry.

One thing you can do to help is to stop talking about it. STOP. Don't bring it up again. When you talk about it you make it worse.


She did it because she has poor boundaries around men. Even if you meet her needs 110%, she will have another affair unless she changes her sloppy boundaries around men. Has she done that?

Has she given you just compensation? Has she ended all contact [and I do mean ALL] with the OM?

Yes. We had the conversation about poor boundaries with men and she recognized it and has committed to changing that. She has absolutely given Just Compensation. I guess it is just going to take time.

Yes, unfortunately it does take time. But you are on the right track, my friend. I read your other thread and you are doing all the right things. The faster you replace your old marriage with a romantic relationship, the FASTER the pain will fade too. Just hang in there. I promise it gets better over time.

Thank you so much!I'll be patient.

razfcc,

Was the OMs girlfriend / wife ever exposed to? This is an important defense for your marriage. Even with your W committed to you OM may try to breech the wall so to speak.

God Bless
Gamma

I promise you that you will feel better FASTER if you NEVER bring it up again. Bringing it up keeps you both triggered and makes the recovery of your marriage much harder. You can make your marriage so unpleasant and miserable by talking about it whenever you think about it. I know that is hard, but if you practice it a few times it will come naturally.

Thank you MelodyLane. I know you are right.

Gamma,

The answer is no. After my WW and he broke it off, he got married a month later to his GF. I thought about telling her, but thought it could probably complicate things more than help. I could see her freaking out and leaving him and then him trying to reconnect with my WW. I couldn't blame him, she's awesome. I had a talk with him and he was very very apologetic and gave me his word that he would never contact my WW again. I have taken him at his word, and so far, so good. On the other hand, if I discover one text, one phone call, any funny business on his end whatsoever, I will out him so fast his head will spin. Through a mutual acquaintance, I understand she's now pregnant. I suspect he has his hands full.

Razfcc,

I couldn't blame him, she's awesome.

Please do so as a favor to his W, many of us here, myself included, wished someone in the know would have clued us in to what our spouses were doing.

He will continue to cheat on his new W btw, it's just what they do.

And as it now stands your W was a great conquest for him with no downside.

God Bless
Gamma

I get that. Apparently she confronted him at one time and told him she feared he had a "crush" on my wife. And I do feel some lingering sting in that way, that he "got away" with it. But I also don't really want to stir the pot and possibly bring them into our lives. I fear some dramatic scene where she shows up on my doorstep yelling at my WW with our young children wondering WTF is going on. Right now our young children are only wondering why Mom and Dad are so happy, and spending so much time together, and kissing and hugging so much. I really want to move on. I do feel sorry for her. But don't think she is clueless. Right now I feel like I need to worry about my marriage. Yeah, I wish he suffered some for what he did; but I really think he has. He fell in love with my wife, but in the end, my wife chose me.

Razfcc,

At least let her know what you know, had you never found out what your W did you would have lingered in marriage limbo for years.

In the back of the OMW head she knows what happened, but just can't prove it.

God Bless
Gamma

it is just going to take time

Time by itself, my friend, is a crappy analgesic for your pain. What is needed is time plus new memories of affectionate, loving events shared with her that will bury the painful knowledge that bothers you.

I have been with my bride since April 1972 - over 14,000 days. The handful of days in which she was in love with OM cannot outweigh the balance of those years.

Give your FWW that mission to perform - to convince you that she appreciates and cherishes the gift you gave her. If she's as remorseful as you claim (and as mine was) she'll surprise you.

I think this is false logic. Having a pregnant wife wont stop him trying to contact yours. It sounds as if they will break up at some point in the future anyway, because at some point she will catch him cheating.

When that happens, if he does try to contact your wife, you will have no warning, and no ally in the form of OMW.

If however you tell her the truth, she may be able to recover her marriage and keep tabs on things over her side of the fence.

If she chooses to leave him, at least you will be prepared to handle things now instead of being caught off guard in the future.

Aside from all that it is the right thing to do!!

P.S. He didn�t fall in love with your wife � please dont credit this tawdry matter with the validation of love. He discovered that seeing her in secret was exciting. Would you wreck the marriage, morality and reputation of someone YOU loved? Also in the sick frame of mind that waywards have, a pregnant wife is a bonus, because it adds to the drama. He just says to his OW �I would leave her if not for the baby � isn�t our love tragic and dramatic!�

I would definitely warn this poor woman, and if she wants to stick around, help each other keep them apart

Razfcc,
As a WW, I want to address two things. First, don't torture yourself by thinking about your W with the POSOM. Affair sex is chemical induced. It's like having sex while on cocaine or marijuana. It's not "real"....it's a high.
Secondly, my POSOM told me I was the love of his life and that if I ever divorced, he would "come running back to me". I do not know if that is true but the posom's wife deserves to know what he is really like or he'll just leave her one day and she'll be crushed.
CT