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Okay, I am a chicken [censored]. I am living in denial. I warned him hoping he would believe me with out actually doing it. The reason for this. 8 years ago I blew his affair (very similar to this one) out of the water. I told his boss, her parents (she was 19), his parents, family, friends- EVERYONE. It cost him his job, her parents hated it, but let him move in with them anyway, I lost friends and his parents told me that I deserved it. After all that he was still gone for a year, and that was one of the hardest things for him to let go. I guess I am scared to do it again. My H lashed out so badly last time when I did that my son (who was 6 at the time) still remembers it. I guess I am trying to decide what is the lesser of two evils, put my kids through a divorce, or risk repeated exposure to the truama of years past. I know you are probably thinking, why oh why did I even come on here. I wanted to know if I was justified in my thinking. I want it to stop. Now I need to decide how badly I want to keep my marriage. I feel so alone. So hurt. So abandoned. I feel alone in my very full house. How did I let this happen AGAIN?!? Do it to me once shame on you, do it to me again, shame on me. What am I doing wrong. These are things I have to figure out. I wish I did not. This is where you need to look at yourself and ask yourself what do you want out of your life? A pattern is being repeated, and this time it could cost him jail time if this teen is lying. He is the one that has serious issues, not you? Is this the example you want for your son? Do you want your son to see his behavior is okay? Your son if fourteen and sponging in every move you and he are making at the moment. What's it going to be? A fighter mom? A philandering dad? Which role will your son take now? He will take on either one. He will either follow in your footsteps or his fathers. What do you want to teach him? KILL THIS AFFAIR IMMEDIATELY! Then you and your husband are going to have to set in some steel like Extraordinary Precautions. Your WH is repeating a familiar pattern, and it will continue to go on this way until serious changes are made. He is sick to be heading after young girls. Something isn't right. Is this what you want in your life?
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You are right, I allowed him to place the blame on me for all those things happening because I was so desperate to save the marriage. It was his behavior that caused those things to happen. I need to accept that. To be clear, once I have exposed this relatonship do I do plan A?
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Yes for no more than 3 weeks. Get Plan B moving - you will immediately go into Plan B once 3 weeks is up.
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He's a two timer "teenage OW" (sorry OG - other girly)??
You must let her mother know immediately. You should show her the number of texts AND explain the age issue with his former A partner.
This is almost like a child preditor.
This adds even more light. Share this info with her parents.
I am sorry you are going through this right now.
You need to absolutely make a plan.
Last edited by barbiecat; 09/22/11 08:59 AM.
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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would it be terrible if I decided to just walk away instead of trying to fight for my family again? I just do not think I have it in me again. Does that make me a bad person? I feel so rejected and that I want someone who wants me- but then again I made the pledge for better or worse but I just do not know how much worse I can handle.
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MB says you can.
Or you can chose to D, it is up to you.
How long have you known about this situation?
You will need to expose and give yourself time to decide what it is you want.
You do not have to decide the "Big D" descision today. Nor next month.
You need a plan. Flase threats are not going to help you, only weaken you
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Not terrible and completely understandable.
But you should still expose, even if you choose to walk away.
If you stay, you'll be choosing to live a life of never ending emotional abuse and you'll teach your kids it is ok to tolerate this behavior.
A serial cheater is tough to live with and correct unless he has a real "come to Jesus" moment where he sees the destructive nature of what he does.
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MB says you can.
Or you can chose to D, it is up to you.
How long have you known about this situation?
You will need to expose and give yourself time to decide what it is you want.
You do not have to decide the "Big D" descision today. Nor next month.
You need a plan. Flase threats are not going to help you, only weaken you I have known about this female for about 3-4 months. It began as constant text messaging, throughout the night. It has continued. I have tried many things (meeting her, talking to her, accepting her, barganing about just texting less...) - but it continues to escalate and I can not handle it anymore.. I am seriously considering moving out. Taking the kids with me. If I do that I know that my marriage is over as my H has a lot of pride and it will be nasty. I would still expose- I just do not want the backlash from it. Call me chicken I just want more.
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would it be terrible if I decided to just walk away instead of trying to fight for my family again? I just do not think I have it in me again. Does that make me a bad person? I feel so rejected and that I want someone who wants me- but then again I made the pledge for better or worse but I just do not know how much worse I can handle. This is your decision, mnmom. No one will fault you if you choose to leave this madness. But I would expose first. You really need to get to her parents. I am more than a little creeped out that he is going after young girls, to be honest.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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would it be terrible if I decided to just walk away instead of trying to fight for my family again? I just do not think I have it in me again. Does that make me a bad person? I feel so rejected and that I want someone who wants me- but then again I made the pledge for better or worse but I just do not know how much worse I can handle. You should expose regardless. Otherwise, your H will be allowed to blame you for abandonment, which will not bode well in court. Exposure protects you no matter what you decide to do.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Since I have children that are old enough to figure out if something is not right, do I expose my H to them as well or try to shelter them? Absolutely! Especially your 14 year old. They are old enough to watch out in this situation. Children are very appropriate exposure targets -- since this directly effects their lives. They need to know and understand why this is happening. It can be a tremendously good life lesson. (stick to one thread....it helps those who are posting to you connect the whole story....)
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Okay, I was wondering if I should stick to one or not. THanks for attaching it. I come from a home broken up by an affair- I remember the conversation like it was yesterday when my mother told me that she loved another man as much as my father. Do I make H tell them, or do I?
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If you have him tell you need to be there. He will spin it his wayward way if not. They need the truth. Not fogbabble.
Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
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I think you are getting a little bit ahead of yourself.
I think you should still be snooping and getting software on his phone that will retrieve the content of those text messages.
I, personally, would wait until I had a few damning texts before I exposed.
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or have you decided you are 100% done?
If thats the case, and you don't want to recover the marriage -- then will you be asking him to leave?
I suspect that he will try to say you are overreacting.
So his message to the kids would be that you are kicking him out over nothing. And none of this is his fault. Thats why I would want something a little more incriminating. Less wiggle room for him....
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Well he has now password protected his phone and I do not know how to get around that. *I have not decided anything other than her parents need to know because I would want to know if my underage daughter was chatting it up with a married man.* I told my H that I have no problem with him having friends but they need to be friends of both of us if they are the opposite sex. It is to easy to blur lines otherwise. He does think I am over reacting. He has me second guessing myself. I feel like I am the idiot. HOWEVER I know how I feel and I know I am not okay with it. Something needs to change now.
also, if things are done I would be the one moving out unfortunently.
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also, if things are done I would be the one moving out unfortunently. Um, no. Huh-uh. If things are done you're going to have a good attorney represent you to make sure you and those babies aren't harmed by that hound dog any more than he's already harmed you.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Do you know where he keeps the information from the phone (manual and so on?) because if you tip in the wrong code 3 times, the phone will ask for a code, which is in the original papers. Maybe you could ask on the snooping forum.
Do you have a VAR in his car?
Do not secondguess yourself. If you are really overreacting and this is unimportant to him, why in the world is he risking his marriage and family over it???
God bless you, Happyheart
me, DH
5 children
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I have the same phone as him- he bought a password app that i am trying to locate the information on. I have not put a VAR in his car as he is currently driving a rental as his truck is in the shop. I have purchased one however. Last night he tried to talk to me about how important I am to him and he can not imagine his life without me. I again said "then you need to stop communicating with OG" and he said I was not being fair. I told him he is emotionally cheating on me then because there is not a friend in this world that I would pick over him. He said without her he has no friends. I then got up and walked away. He tried to follow me. I told him he has his priorities all messed up and I can not help him when he has his head in the clouds. He said he will take the code off his phone. I said, yeah and start deleteing I am sure.
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Do you know where he keeps the information from the phone (manual and so on?) because if you tip in the wrong code 3 times, the phone will ask for a code, which is in the original papers. Maybe you could ask on the snooping forum.
Do you have a VAR in his car?
Do not secondguess yourself. If you are really overreacting and this is unimportant to him, why in the world is he risking his marriage and family over it???
God bless you, Happyheart I would also check the laws in your area regarding statutory rape. This girl is 17, right? in some states, that means he is a sex offender, even if sex hasn't taken place. All you need to do is prove inappropriate contact (physical or verbal). And you can (in some states) be the one pressing charges rather than her parents or anyone else. The VAR is very important. Get one ASAP. CV
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