I am a FWW. My stxh wanted a divorce months after discovery. I had been in Plan A since d-day which is now a little over a year. There have been no changes and we are now in the process of getting a divorce. There is one problem though, we still live together. How do I move on and let go while living with my stbx. I do not mean dating but just continuing on with my life as two separate people and not let things he does/does not do and says get to me or bother me. I have been the main income earner and he cannot afford to live on his own.

Has anyone had any experience living with their stbx or even x. Even after the divorce which will probsbly be final in a few months, he will continue to live here until next spring.

Please don't do this, WW26. Find some way to live apart. I can only see terrible emotional damage occurring to both of you if you try to live in such an unnatural state.

In the SAA forum, I often read where the BS is advised to "pack the WS's things and leave them on the front porch" (I was advised to do just that!). Let them worry about where they're going to sleep next.

To avoid seeming harsh, I would urge you to move out rather than your stxh, but who moves should be something perhaps the two of you could POJA. This is assuming that recovery is not something the two of you hope to accomplish.

You can't let your concern over his ability to earn a living be an obstacle. This is simply enabling and worsening an already bad situation. If you can't bring yourself to work on recovery, then the best and most humane thing you can do for the both of you is to move on.

Separately.

Hi Fred,

Thank you for your input. There is one problem, well two. We are living in a foreign country so I am an expat where my workplace provided me with my accommodations and he is under my visa as a spouse...

I mean I want to work on recovery but he does not want to and he has every right as a BS to walk away. The problem, well maybe it is a DJ, he is getting the best of both worlds. I had planned for a vacation months ago which we went on and I got mad he was dancing with other girls in front of me. When I confronted him he called me a whore then taking it back when he wanted sex the next day. Sure I deserve those names but it still hurt. Then tonight, I was out with a girlfriend, I saw him chatting up a girl and he denied anything but friendship. Maybe I deserve it after what I did, karma....The town I live in is under a population of 250,000. I am having a difficult time knowing what to do and how to handle things. The majority of people do not even speak English here.

If he doesn't want recovery why doesn't he leave and go back to his home country? It sounds as if he is using this time to punish you. There is nothing that would have made me stay in a foreign country with my WH, much less stay in the same home with him. It took me 3 weeks to get him out legally and that was torture for me.

I do not think that even as a WW you should be forced to endure torture.

If he wants to end the marriage, then he should leave. If he wants to stay, then he has to work on the marriage -- in good faith.

QFT (Quoted For Truth)

Question - are you working for the government or for a private company?

I am working for a private company.

Oh please dont let him stay with you. You are enabling him. If he wants to be divorced then he has to be a big boy and take care of himself. The sooner you get him out and the sooner you start taking care of yourself the quicker you will get to recovery. It takes a while and its hard work. You will need a lot of support and a lot of recovery time for yourself. You are not being mean or ugly by wanting him out. It is time you think of yourself. A way to look at it is getting yourself functional and having him there will not allow you to be functional

Just from personal experience no contact and no interaction really really helps.

WW26, he needs to leave. Your H is a disrespectful jerk who takes advantage of you. I would show him to the door. Why should you support a man abuses you? Show him the door.

This.

Well I also sought advice from his brother in law. He is unbias and knows everything. Even he said if I have a problem move as we are getting a divorce. So people who know us personally and do not know us seem to agree he has to go.

I had a talk with stbx, he said moving was not an option and it was not happening until next spring so he can finish his school. He even brought up alimony payments as I had been supporting him for the past 3 years. Is that possible? I do not even make that much, I mean I make enough to live a comfortable lifestyle (healthy food, some travel, etc) in the country I am working in and save a decent amount of money at my age.

In addition, we still share the same bed! He will not sleep in the living room as it is not comfortable.

I know I would not be in this situation had I not had an affair. ...

Why don't you pack him up and tell him to hit the road. He is just there to take advantage of you. If he won't get out, then file for divorce and get him moved out legally.


You wouldn't be in this situation if your husband wasn't a jerk. The fact that you had an affair does not entitle him to abuse you and use you. You should not allow him to GAIN anymore at your expense. You simply train him to be a bigger jerk by rewarding him.

W26, do you rent? If so, can you end your lease and move out?

WW,

Can you contact your lawyer for advice? Or have him add wording in the divorce papers to stipulate H MUST provide his own living arrangements?

Yes, you made the decision to be unfaithful and have had to pay the consequences. But HE made the decision that he did not want to try to work on saving the marriage and that choice has consequences also.

I have no lawyer, where I am living we can do without a lawyer as we filed no fault and sound bad but the fees are under 3 digits. Plus filing back home requires one of us to actually reside there for a year.

The apartment is a lease that my school has.

How can you get him out? Can you just move out?

No I cannot move out as I have no where to go and I have a contract with my school which I actually like. Here if I need to get an apartment I have to put down a deposit which I cannot afford to do with my upcoming schooling. The deposits here can be pricy and structured differently than back home. If I get a place with a low deposit I will also have to pay monthly rent and live in a smaller apartment.

I do not know how to get him out. I just sent him an email explaining the situation and telling him I am at my limit with his treatment, lack of respect and consideration. I also sent him a text message for him to come home at a resonable time to get this all resolved as I am dealing with this anymore.

Unfortunately, we did make an agreement on this arrangment. I told him he is not holding up his end of the bargin and I am not going to put up with it. He calls me a friend. So I told him to go find a friend who will let him live for free, clean up his mess, eat their food, come and go whenever and pay nothing. Find a room mate who will pay for his student loans...

I mean I still care for him but due to the constant withdrawals I am no longer in love with him which is for the best. I wish I could just close the account but we have an account with everyone we interact with.

He came home last night a bit drunk and I tried talking to him. He tried to fix things using sex....made me even more angry.

I feel like I am losing my sanity. I feel terrible at the same time as I did have an affair.

He doe not pay for anything at all in this household. I pay for all the bills including his cell phone bill, groceries, provide housing, doing the chores, etc.

Sorry my head is just spinning:S

Edit: I would pack him up. But he does have a key of his own and I cannot change the locks during the day when he is out as I am at work. The doors here a little strange and do not have the same type of lock I am used to at home so it is not something I can do.

WW26, this is really quite simple:

• Pack up his stuff. Use suitcases, cardboard boxes, plastic bags and what-have-you.
• Ask an impartial (NOT family) third-party to act as your "go-between" intermediary (IM).
• Write a letter (we call it the Plan B Letter) telling him of your decision to separate and how he can contact your IM to learn how he can retrieve the rest of his stuff.
• Some time when he's out, have the locks changed on the door(s).
• Put his bags and stuff outside, with the letter, lock the doors and DON'T LET HIM BACK IN AGAIN. Don't even talk or respond to him.

If he makes a ruckus, or tries to force his way back in, call the police and charge him with assault.

Right now, you are being co-dependent. This is not healthy for EITHER of you, and since he won't make a move to change things, it's entirely up to you to do so. Making excuses as to why you can't is just that: Making excuses.

Thanks Fred...I am going to muster up all the courage I have to do this. This really is not an easy thing to do and makes me feel like an evil person.