You are not ready to expose ARK.
You have been discredited. You need proof.
But you refuse to spy on your wife, because she has effectively manipulated you into agreeing not to. (smart woman! gotta admire her wayward skills!)

That was hilarious. Thanks.

Everybody, I'm still considering exposing. No, I won't warn her, of course. I'm going to wait a couple of days. Who knows, maybe I will find something more juicy.

I will re-read basic concepts, but I have to consider that this may or may not be the best course.

Thanks for your input.

Keep in mind that you are not the best judge of what is the best course. REading the basic concepts will not help you right now. They are for recovery and that will not be an issue if you don't kill this affair, because you won't have a marriage TO recover if there is an ongoing affair.

I agree that exposing while discredited is a weak position.

Also, I have made it pretty clear in here that I am snooping. I've been viewing her browser cache, key log, and looking at her phone when it's available.

The only thing the keylogger turned up, aside from her passwords, was that she IMed a friend saying that she was seeing me change and having second thoughts. Also that I'm a manipulative person and she has to be careful.

There was nothing in her email. Chat logs were 99% benign.

All I have is a chart that shows the insane amount of texts she shares with this person.

If I move to expose, I'm going to change the password on the mobile phone account and update the spreadsheet. I have to assume that after she changed the password, texting volume increased and she started calling him more frequently.

Where can I read more about the exposure concept? I haven't found anything good on that.

When you make absolute statements, it undermines your credibility. Marriages do survive affairs that are overcome in a variety of ways. Others die because of them.

I understand the pep-talk speak, but that doesn't sway me. I try to make decisions based on reason and not emotions when possible.

Everything we advise is hard to do and counterintuitive. Trust us, though. It works.

I'm a consultant in real life. I'm going to put this on my business cards from now on. :P

Much of this will be the most counter-intuitive thing you would think would ever work....

And they do.

There's no guarantee it'll save your marriage, but I am living proof you won't have a CHANCE of saving it without following this program (and even I didn't do everything to pefection).


Thanks.

helpfordad and helpthelostdads, I'm so so sorry you weren't able to save your marriages.

How did you handle it with the kids?

Is that absolutely true? Since you know the "variety" of ways, then why haven't you used them? Why come blog on the Marriage Builders forum?


I would just point out that you are the MOST emotional and the least objective person on this thread. So I have seen absolutely no demonstration of reason on your part. A reasonable person recognizes when they are too emotional to think straight. You do not. You are the falling down drunk who shows up at AA meetings and tells the sober people he has a better way.

Anyway, I don't see any point in posting to you since you are not here to learn about Marriage Builders. I wish you the best.

I am in the process of recovery, just 6 months in, but oh, what a difference, even with a few bumps along the way....Marital, Mel, NG, etc. kicked me out of SAA forum and I post over there now.

I exposed in March, killed my W's affair, and we are creating a great new marriage. She just called me to check in from work...and asked "Have I told you lately how much I love our marriage? Our family? I am so grateful you have chosen to stay married to me and give me a second chance."

Doesn't happen without exposure...think of it this way -- if you don't expose, you are supporting an extramarital affair conducted by the mother of your children and allowing your spouse to fall deeper and deeper into the rut of an addiction.

best wishes.

ark, I am seeing a theme, here. You really think your WW will see the light if you show her some articles citing facts, statistics and anecdotes, right?

You are completely WRONG. You cannot reason with a wayward! Their whole world revolves around memememememe! There is no room in their self-involved world to see the wisdom of taking their candy away.

Your counselor will more than likely be alarmed by the concept of exposure. (unless she counsels using Marrige Builders as a model, one can hope...)

Ark, are you afraid of your wife? Is that the problem? Do you understand how she looks at your fear and uncertainty? She loathes it! No woman respects a man who allows her to walk all over him. Texting OM in front of you??? Are you kidding me???

Ark,

I printed out articles to show the WXW what the long term impact of divorce was on children. She didn�t care.

Facts and figures and studies don�t matter to a WW.

I didn�t save my marriage, but I�ve had a great personal recovery. I initially gave my WXW everything she wanted (the way you�re doing now).

I was told that if I didn�t make things difficult that we could probably end up back together eventually after some �having some time apart to heal.�

I bought into all of it because I was desperate.

Hindsight is 20/20. She simply wanted out so she could have free reign to run around with other men.

I initially gave her full physical custody of the kids because I had no job or home or place to live since I was fresh out of the military.

It took a long and painful battle to get time with the kids and legal rights as a dad.

It was a tough fight I could have avoided if I had been a harda$$ from the start.

I�m happily remarried now to a wonderful woman that is a better match for me. My kids deal with the back and forth of divorced parents, but they�ve adjusted and are doing well.

My greatest regret looking back was how I simply allowed my WXW to roll over me without a fight. You see, if you follow MB and the advice given here you can look back someday and be proud of what you did for fighting for your marriage regardless of your ability to save it or not.

If I were you I�d expose to everyone in a nuclear fashion and then call this OM, expose to his GF or wife and his family and friends after exposing to my own family and friends and WW�s family and friends.

After doing so, I�d let WW know that I was staying in my house, sleeping in my bed, and that the kids would be staying here. I�d make it clear that she can leave, get her own place, and pay child support, but that I wasn�t going to make divorce easy or pleasant. I�d make it clear that I was all about rebuilding the marriage.

She will respect you for sticking up for yourself, even if she doesn�t like it. And ohhh, she won�t like it. You�re going to have fire and brimstone descend upon you for exposing.

Oh my...this brings it all back for me. My now X announced wanting a divorce (and acknowledging affair) at first marriage counseling session!
I would also advise against no contact for a month. When now X walked out the first time-it had made an impression on our DD. DD clung and asked maternal grandmother if I was coming back when I ran an errand. IMO his actions still have an impact on our DD, she tells me when she had a 'bad dream' and that I left her with strangers to be safe or at the park and went away.

I agree with the other posters, you SHOULD NOT do this! If she is intent on continuing with the divorce, all your missteps and mistakes will be used against YOU, if not by her then her lawyer. It is easier to smear you than have her faults pointed out if going in front of judge.

Thanks, dazed. No contact would have been a terrible idea. I'm glad I didn't go through with it.

I'm baffled just how wayward my WW is. Self absorbed is right, maritalbliss. I loved this woman and trusted her with my whole world. Now she seems to be inhabited by this evil beast. I can feel the evil. If I were superstitious, it would be easy to think she'd been possessed by the devil.

We still get along fine and care for the kids in our mostly separate lives (living in the same house, but sleeping in separate beds). But there is this cold, nihilistic shell built around her ability to reason.

She refuses now to acknowledge our options. It's so sad.


I have been unwilling to acknowledge my option - pursuing the divorce. I'm completely over the guilt and deference I felt at the beginning of this ordeal. I'm keeping the house, the kids, and my life. I'm fighting for everything that is mine. She can get out.

I think I'm far past the point where Exposure could do any good. In her head, she's got two feet out the door.

I think I will write a message to our circle of friends letting them know:
1) I've enjoyed their friendship over the last 13 years
2) I know I will probably be or already have been vilified, but that they don't know me, don't understand the extent of my love for WW or our children. There is not a thing I wouldn't do to preserve my marriage and my family. I acknowledge my shortcomings, but there isn't a single one of them I can't overcome, that I'm doing that work, and WW knows it.
3) I'm disappointed in the way WW's relationship with HishschoolBuddy crossed boundaries and led her astray. I had trusted HSB and expected better counsel from him.
4) I regret that I now am forced to fight for my family and our home. I would do anything to avoid it and to heal my family.
5) I encourage any of you to contact me as well as WW for more details to the long story, and if you care about the health of our children and family, to use your influence with WW to encourage her to seek other solutions.


Do you think I should leave any specifics about the extent of the "inappropriate relationship" with HSB? Any feedback on what should or shouldn't be in this letter?

Well Ark -- you don't really have any specifics about the extent of the inappropriate relationship.
So what do you mean?

I believe you "promised" not to spy on her, right?
And honoring that promise is more important than knowing the truth.

Personally I think you should be spying -- and the communication you send out to your circle should HIGHLIGHT those specifics.
But you haven't listened so far....so eh. whatever.