Its been a long and hard road to get where I am. Ex had the affair, went back and forth between me and the other woman, and really just did some far out things. After our divorce he married the affair partner. I really struggled and even hit rock bottom by trying to overdose on pills. That was rock bottom for me. I got into therapy and stayed in it. I am in a much better place now. I am no longer as angry as I was and Im to the point Im just ready to move on and go forward closing the door on ex.

I still have to have some contact with him because we have a 16 year old child. I feel the contact should only be when its a must or at a function for child. Then I think it should be kept to a minimum. I think contact should only be by email. Ex doesnt see it this way. I know he isnt happy and he has said so. He has made comments I am not to bring anyone(another man) around child unless he knows them. He refuses to use email. He ask son questions about my family. He even came back to the church we had attended as a family after leaving for awhile. He started bringing the new wife but now he comes by himself. If things dont go ex's way, he gets angry. Ive been accused of everything being my fault to turning child against him. In the beginning I can say I didnt want him to have a relationship with child. Now I try to stay out of it. Today ex asked why I dont want to be around him.

I read a letter on this site to Dr Harley about letting go. I felt that was so ex and I because I still love ex very much even after everything we have been thru. There are times I find it hard and I miss him and I miss my marriage and family being together. But I just dont see anything changing and I feel we will stay in this trap unless I make the move to stop it. That is what I am trying to do. I am trying to cease all contact and only use email. I am trying to take a netural party with me to any functions that child has if ex will be there. I feel I am alot stronger and I am ready to make things a go by myself.

I was wondering if anyone has been in this type of situation and how did you handle it? Or if anyone has any advice?

Haha I really like that about the card. Ive actually gotten to the point I just dont care anymore. Yes I do feel she deserves this for buying into his drama. I really dont believe he will ever figure out what is broken inside. Its what lead me to start making a change.

well i think i have a good plan in place on the dropoff. We have a third party dropoff set up. He has to pickup and dropoff child at a netural location. There are some things I have to provide him with per the parenting plan regarding going across state line, extra activities, school and medical. I feel unless its an emergency then it should be communication thru email where there is not that instant access to the other. I have to provide him with this info because he is required to pay half of all that stuff and carrier all the medical insurance and i have to notify him of these things. Im trying to keep it to the point regarding son only.

Is there a way to nudge the ex into only having contact when its required? I think that is what Im wondering about? I cant control him, I know that. I second guess myself alot. It may even require more work in therapy to get to the point I can tune out all the stuff until I just dont hear anything unless its regarding son. How do I get thru the irriation and frustration of him doing this in the mean time?

The problem with this kind of open-ended request is that, in his eyes, every time is going to require contact.

No, you can't control him. But you can control you. Can you get an IM (intermediary) to help you with this? All contact would have to go through the IM, and she can weed out the nonessential stuff.

In the meantime, don't answer the phone if it's him. If he leaves a message, don't respond to him unless it's an absolute emergency involving your son. If he tries to get around that by using another phone to call you, change your number. Don't go outside if you see him.

Your ex is using you to keep a foothold in a life that he's probably realizing wasn't so awful after all. Don't give him that! He will drain you, and you don't deserve that.

Thanks

I think these replies have helped. I needed reassurance. The best thing is to keep to no contact and try to avoid being where he is and at the public functions I cant keep him away from then I need to keep a neutral party between us. That has been my plan.

I try not to talk to son about him because it really makes me angry how ex does him. I feel like son has to make his choice if he does or doesnt have a relationship with his dad.

Thanks I needed to vent to and make sure I stay on my game plan. I find its getting better day by day. There are still some moments but it gets easier each time.

that was an open statement on nudging him to only required contact. I didnt think of it that way.

I have almost no contact with my XH even though two of our children are still minors.

I don't answer the phone when he calls. On the rare occasions when he has our kids, they have a cell phone and would call me if there was an emergency.

I haven't had a phone conversation with him in over a year. He is supposed to pick up our kids from my house for a mid-week visit and I pick up from his house at the end of the visit. All other custody exchanges are supposed to take place at school. When he comes to my house, I do not make an appearance. When I pick up from his house, I call DS and tell him I'm there. I do not get out of the car and have started refusing to put the window down if XH comes out and tries to talk to me.

When XH sends an email, I read it thoroughly to decide if it's a communication that REALLY requires a response. Often, long emails do not have any questions in them. Or at least the questions don't really need an answer from me.

As an example, he forwarded to me an email from the boys' school and asked if I got the information. Since my name was clearly on the distribution list of the email, he should have known that I got it. I didn't bother to respond.

When there are questions that I absolutely MUST respond to, I try to be very concise. I never share anything about my life with my XH. It's none of his business.

I've found that the less attention I give my XH, the less he tries to demand. Sometimes he will go for a couple of weeks without any communication at all.

TNA, here is a link to a past MB thread titled "The Fantasy of Divorce". What you describe is actually very common:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2279757&page=1

thanks what you all have posted is exactly what I was trying to reaffirm to myself. i get so tired of second guessing myself on things i do and Im glad to hear others are doing this.

and on the fantasy of divorce this is perfect, this is exactly what i think he thought would happen in his little mind.

oh the above link is so my ex. I get accused of being childish and not doing what is in the best interest of our child. Its all my fault etc etc etc. oh this so just reaffirms no contact. oh no contact is so the way to go. thanks everyone for the post. im glad im getting my affirmation and being able to vent.

I am starting to think I need to talk to my son about his dad. Ex said he was trying to teach son to be a man. I really dont want my son to be like his dad.

I wouldn't talk to him about his dad. Let him vent to you when he needs to but let him figure out who his dad is on his own.

Just love your child while he is with you. Model decency for him from your side. YK?

sorry i guess i should clairfy ex has changed his story so many times i cant count anymore. Now its hes trying to teach son to be a man but people keep interferring and son treats him like crap but these same people keep interferring. I cant figure who these people are.

TNA, Dr Harley recommends that ALL contact go through an intermediary in situations like this. Your H will continually cause you stress and trauma by having any contact with him at all. Just shut that door entirely. There is absolutely no reason to ever be in contact with him directly. Get a good intermediary and ask her to act as a spam filter. Only let things through that are PERTINENT. And crap like telling you that your DD can't be around men should never get through.

You will find that after a few weeks, you will feel better than you have in years. You don't need the stress of his continual contact. And believe me, even EMAILS can drag you right back into his hell.

If you have to go to a school event, then be sure and arrive late, leave early and try to get lost in the crowd.

Be sure and explain to your son, in very forthright terms, why your marriage broke up. Tell him his father is an adulterer who broke up his family for his affair. And explain to him why adultery is immoral and unmanly. If you don't, his father will teach him that wrong is right and your son will grow up morally confused.

Don't be silent on your husband's corruption or it will convey endorsement. I assure you that your H is not silent about it. So unless you want your child to believe that adultery and lying and dishonesty is ok, I would bend over backwards to undo the immoral lessons he is getting from his father. It is the parent's job to teach children right from wrong, they don't have the judgement to figure it out on their own.

really nervous now. I talked to my therapist about what ex is doing. she said he is feeling me out for something the reason he is asking me those questions. I read the letter to dr harley about not being able to let go of each other and this scares me. I do still love him but i dont want him back. I have come so far that I just cant go back to that kind of dysfunction.

I talked to a friend about the third party email and her filtering the crap.

I told my therapist my big fear is what if he gets behind my wall and i give in. I said i cant go back and my son doesnt want to go back. I believe not only would I be miserable but son would to. I did ask son what if he could have his dad back would he want that. He said no. I asked my therapist about how he does son. I said I just want it to be my imagnation. She said no that when he punishes you he is punishing son also. That is just sick.

TNA, I feel the same as you. I want to move on, but I also would like to try again. I would love to take eveything I have read in in this material and apply it to the marriage just to see if it could really be good. I just think it is tooo late. Our daughter said the same thing about her father coming back, she doesnt want him to. She said even if yall wanted to get back together, I wouldnt want yall to. That hurts.. I miss him. Our daughter is a cheerleader, so we go to the football games every friday night. He comes and sits with me, we get along but I dont get his intentions. It really kinda hurts me, because I know I miss him and I know he could care less about me. He calls our daughter every night to talk to her but he doesnt talk to me or even ask about me. I think he is doing 'the try to get along' thing for court. I may be wrong but his actions show how he feels. Tonight at the game I thought about sitting with other people and telling him there is no seat where I am, or ignoring him. Everyone that sees us sitting together at the games keeps asking me if we are trying to work it out. I wish I could say yes, but I know the answer on his part is no. Everyone keeps telling me it will get better and I am soooo ready to see that day.

I know I have to move on but it just seems that until the divorce is final I cant. I feel there may be a chance it can be saved, but when the divorce is final I just think it is going to be over for good then.

Im really sorry wantanewstart. Ive felt the way you do. Its hard. I still love my ex but it wouldnt work. He hasnt changed and shows no sign of changing. So the best thing for me is to move on. I have spent the last year in thearpy and let me recomment it really helps if you find a good therapist. It has helped me learn to recognize his manipulation and things to watch for in dealing with him. It has also helped me deal with my internal struggles. Ive learned if they want it to work they will step out and try. The best thing you could do is seperate yourself from him and work on you. Taking care of yourself is not selfious it will just let you get into a normal functional mode. My big fear is what if I fall back into that trap and get back into that dysfunction. I wish you lots of luck and I hope you have a good support system in place.

TNA,

Remember too...your daughter is watching your actions and you are teaching her about boundaries with men and/or people that abuse you. You really need to model appropriate behavior and DISTANCE yourself from your abuser...permanently and forever....just as you hope your daughter will do the same.

Your exhusband has taken another wife...presuming you are a Christian is may be biblically that you can't remarry him even if he came crawling back and you wanted to give him another shot. It's over. Distance yourself and move on.

I suggest moving away. NOW would be best. If not now...in two years once your daughter is an adult who can decide for herself where she wants to go.

Keep posting...MB is not just a infidelity marriage recovery board but it's also an individual infidelity individual recovery program. As you can already see..it's one of the only places in the world that won't make you feel guilty for protecting yourself from your xhusband's CONTINUED abuse.

Mr. W

we have son not a daughter. i didnt go into the reasons we divorced just that how his dad handled things was not good. I explained about the morals and values that I hoped I could instill in him. I didnt have to say much. He already knows. He said mom I see dad for what he is and I dont want to be like that. He said since I dont have a choice to go on his time then Im trying to make the best of it for the next two years. I was floored. Son doesnt need to know all the details or how bad his dad is. Its not my goal to turn him against his dad. He is old enough to make that decision for himself. He said he understands why I dont need to be around his dad and has no problems with it.

I have gotten my plan of action together. I dont go where he is. I do still love him and assume i always will but it will fade as time goes on. I do not want to reconcile and do not plan to. It wouldnt work and I would just be miserable. I have a third party email a friend set up to filter his crap. I also will take a 3rd party with me to functions that I cant avoid him. I dont frequent the same places he does. If he comes to church which he has started doing lately then I make sure I am always with someone and not alone.

I have been struggling some with feeling guilty and also having a fear what if i let my guard down and let him back in. It is alot better than it was. When we have periods of no contact, I find I can function again. I like that part. I never want to go back to where I was.

TNA, the problem is that you have not been forthright with your son about your husbands affair. If he is turned against his dad, it won't be because you told him the truth, but because of his dad's affair. Giving kids false explanations for the source of the divorce just teaches them dishonesty and causes moral confusion. Your son has a right and a need to know the truth about his own life. Illusions do not make children secure or happy, they just make them more insecure.

There is no reason whatsoever to whitewash your H's adultery. And you can't very well give a child "moral guidance" if you don't give him the facts about the situation and practice dishonesty yourself. Leaving a child to "come to a conclusion" on his own is not fair to him. Obviously a child does not have the judgement or experience to come to his own conclusion. It is our job to teach our children that. We don't not send them to school and just expect them to figure it out on their own. It is up to us as parents to give them moral guidance.

He needs to be told the truth. Not telling him just leaves your H free to blame the divorce on you.