I need some advice. I have been married now for over 20 years, my husband has had a job out of town for the last 2 years and I have stayed home for my daughter to finish out school and thank god i did b/c his job is being terminated.
I have found out that he has a friendship with one of his workers (he is a manager) and she is female. What upsets me is he didn't tell me about it, and he tells me that he didn't cause he knew i would be jelous. I told him you NOT telling me upsets me and makes me think you have something to hide.
Someone started a rumour that they were having an affair, i do realize its just a rumour and i do belive its not true. I did freak out at first and checked his phone his email, his cell phone as this was put into my head and hey im human and didn't know what to think at first.
Am I wrong to be upset over this? he is mad at me that i went and checked up on him with the email and phones, and he is making me feel bad for it. I just not sure what to do, its just really bothering me.

If there was nothing going on.....he would be flattered you checked up on him.
Put yourself in the reverse situation. Wouldn't you feel loved if he thought you might be cheating and he checked up on you?

Most likely there is truth to the rumers.

Hi Fed up,

Welcome to MB. What was the nature of that relationship? What did you find in his email and phone records? It is possible (though unlikely) that he was upset about you checking because he is simply immature or insecure. Most likely, you have interrupted something though.

When you say he had a job out of town for the last 2 years, do you mean he was home only on weekends, or worked there 2 years straight and only saw you every few weeks, or was he home some nights, but not others during the week?



CV

Agreed. Anyone would be flattered. His behaviour is a huge red flag.

Be very clear that you expect him to be open, not hide things and not lie. If he accuses you of being jealous, make it the positive thing it is. Smile and say 'well, you are cute'.

Usually I would also say tell him that you expect to be able to look at his phone/email /accounts (and that you have no prob with him looking at yours) but not in this case.

Right now I think you shouldnt make a big deal of these things. Just say your peace about expecting honesty and drop it. Dont show that you are bothered, dont talk about it.

Then allow him to let his guard down. Keep checking on him periodically. Dr h says all people in mariage should do this anyway, so it is just good general practice.

If he is cheating, he will get sloppy and you will find out.

I would actually step things up a a bit due to the rumours and lies. I would look into getting a VAR and a GPS to keep tabs on him.

Actually I would go the whole hog and put a keylogger on computer and spyware on his phone.

He is keeping something from you, going by his reaction. Maybe it is an affair, maybe it is money, gambling, or something else you would not approve of.

He works out of town and is comfortable with keeping you out of the loop.

In my opinion, you cannot know too much.

I looked back on some of your old threads, and I want to ask, Did you snoop on him before? In 2000, you came here and stated that your H was accusing you of having an affair. They suggested that HE may be the one having an affair.

What brought you here so long ago? Did you both follow MB? I would say no, since he was even at a job away from you for TWO years. How did you two work on your marriage over these past 10 years since you discovered MB?

You are going to need to snoop. Your H is going to need to come home. No more overnights, ever.

Be alert of this kind of relationship, that is what I face now. Maybe not your H purpose, not his plan, but long time, or oneday you & your H has a argue, who knows what will happen.

As a wife, believe your instinct. I feel this early of this year, but I don't have evidence, if I raise it, my H will said as what your H said, & nothing happened at that time, but it bother me all this year, finally it's happened & it's too later.

Tell your H my story, if he love you, he should consider it seriously. Good luck.


My story: Stay or Leave?

He is having an affair. I am sorry. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide. I would not ask him anymore,but put a keylogger on his computer or spyware on his cellphone. Get the goods and then come back here. We will give you next steps on how to save your marriage.

This is an invitation to an affair. Living apart often results in affairs.



Apparently there is something to be jealous about and he realizes that. That is why he hid it.

even he didn't hide it, it's dangrous, tell him stop it for your family.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, fed up.

Could you give us a little more info? It would help us understanding your sitch better:

- How did you find out about his 'friendship' with this woman?
- How did you know a rumor about an affair got started?
- Do you have this woman's whole name?

Now, a couple of comments:
You've heard the old chestnut, 'where there's smoke, there's fire'? I would suspect that is true in this case.
Did you ask him why he cares that you're checking up on him to make sure that your marriage is safe?

Don't be deluded by your H or allow him to lull you into believing that all is well. Your gut is telling you something. Listen to it.

And never feel guilty about snooping to confirm that you are safe! There is no place in a marriage for secrets. I have access to all of my FWH's passwords, etc. He has mine. He welcomes me to check on him at any time (and believe me, I do. He doesn't know the half of it. )

Because it IS THAT IMPORTANT, fed up.

I agree with everyone else here. There's probably something fishy going on. My ExHs affair started off as an office 'friendship'. My ex acted the same way as you're describing; defensive. This behavior is suspect and I would listen to the advice of these fine folk and get some spyware on the phone.

fed up. You have not told us how you heard about the rumour but it sounds like you got an anonymous tip.

Why do you not believe the tip? Does your H have enemies that just want to be mean? Do you have enemies? Or could it just be a good citizen trying to do the right thing and warn you about something they have been watching and feel strong enough about that they want to warn you?

Why is your H so defensive and turning it around to make YOU look bad?

fed up, pardon me while I t/j your thread for a second:

NOTE TO POSTERS: THIS IS WHY THE BS SHOULD NOT BE ALERTED TO THE AFFAIR ANONYMOUSLY. THEY ARE LOYAL TO THEIR SPOUSE AND WILL TEND NOT TO BELIEVE RUMORS OR ANONYMOUS NOTES.

Thanks, fed up.

And all it takes to dismiss an anonymous tip is the WS's denial. When the WS denies it, the BS has no recourse. No back up, no nothing. Nothing more than an unfounded rumor that only serves to TEASE the BS and drive her more crazy. If you don't have the balls to expose using your name, then please just don't do it.

To explain a little more in detail our situation, H job is away from home, im the one that delayed on moving as his jobs don't last very long and we have 2 girls and bills etc, this one seemed to be working out and were planning to move until just recently he is being let go, he now is moving back home in a month, he comes home on weekends or i go there, but mostly he comes home. I am going crazy over this now and he keeps telling me i should have faith in him and then that makes me feel bad for not believing in him. *edit* i dont' know what to believe! I talked to him again. I told him that how would you feel if i was the one with the male friend that i went to his house, and then didn't tell you about it. I told him that him keeping it from me cause he thought i'd be mad and it was nothing...him just going there to help once or twice with something or for a visit... am i an idiot here? I have been crying all *edit* week about this and told myself i have to believe him unless i have proof! YEs there are people there that don't like him and its because he fired thier son and a few other people that used to work there that they are friends with, so it could definately someone playing with my head. but now after reading your posts i don't know what to believe or what to do....i can't stop thinking about it and now i am going crazy!!!!

fed up, do you have family nearby who can keep your girls so you can go there until the end of the month?

You cannot dismiss this anonymous tip. Whoever gave it to you may have saved your M.

fed up, did you do as I suggested and start spying on him? Even if you have to hire a PI, you should do that. It would take a PI about one day to catch him. You need to stop wringing your hands and have him tailed. Even if you have to drive out to do it, you should do it.

You need to get focused, get strategic and get the truth.

Is he being fired for having an affair, I wonder?

There is no way for me to go till the end of the month, i work full time and have no family here. Im literally just sick over this at the moment. The email came from someone who lives in the area (its a small area) but she is also the girlfriend of the person thats son got fired by him and has tried to cause alot of problems because of it. Im sick over this. His job is over and he will have no work which means he will be no longer working out of town and will be home in 5 weeks. I just don't know what to do, i have been checking his voice mail and the phone records and have not found anything lately. Im literally just so stressed i don't want to go all crazy about this either. how do i deal??

Take an emergency few personal days from work.
Your marriage is in a crisis!

Immediately begin Plan A.

What does it hurt? If he's not having an A, then you've been extra nice. If he is having an A, you will see more and more fog coming out of his mouth, and he will grow angrier as his own internal conflict increases.

And snoop already!!!! Even if you don't have the resources to do everything, think outside the box. Do you know anyone in that town who would be fully on your side? Could you follow Reading's suggestion and take a few emergency days off work and tail him yourself? Are there online records you could check from home that you haven't already thought of? As a last resort, is there anyone on MB who lives in or near the town where he's working?

There's always a way, and most waywards are careless, somewhere.

Make a plan and take action - you are not helpless. You are much stronger than you know.