Does anyone know how to avoid angry outburst? Some words trigger my anger and I just start talking and complaining and asking questions and completely forget to shut my mouth. IS there anyone successful on the rule of protection that can give a few pointers?

B.S.

Just STOP IT!

Yesterday, officiating an athletic contest, the coach of one team was about to "go off" on my partner. Before he could get up to speed (and volume!) I quietly said to him, "Coach, nothing you're about to say or do will be good for you in any way. This is where you step back and let it end."

That's the mindset you'll have to develop. Nothing in an AO is going to make your situation better. Refrain.

(Yeah, talk about hypocrisy - this advice comes from a BH whose AOs and irresponsible behavior got him arrested on d-night!) Let my EXPERIENCE, as opposed to any innate WISDOM, be your guide. Manage your anger. Assume a reasonable tone and direction of your response. Make every action work FOR you, not AGAINST you.

It's HYPOCRISY, you silly yankee!!

So this is not something that you personally believe in or practice in your personal life?

Let's just leave it that I have learned to be more discerning in deciding whether to release the angry wolf!

+1



What's really bad is that I know EXACTLY what you mean!

Yes, Dr. Harley knows how! Buy his book Love Busters, and read the Angry Outbursts chapter. Then start listening to his show every day. He covers Angry Outbursts about once a week!

Right. Hypocracy is a form of government.

0630:
Wow. I know exactly what it is like to have your question. I remember reading Dr. Harley's description of Angry Outbursts in "His Needs Her Needs" and for the first time thinking that it was destructive. I can tell you first hand that in my case it was a habit. Not everyday, but almost like clockwork every three months I would light off. Volume, win at all costs combinations of words.
I was not sure I could really stop. I was afraid that I could not. I spent money for an on line anger management course and I really studied the material. After about 4 weeks I was less afraid that I would just "go off." Then I grew afraid that I could hold back but if my spouse started in on me that I might forget and go off.
Eventually I found a specific support group for male verbal abusers (controllers). I learned that whenever I raised my voice, I got exactly the opposite of what I wanted. And I literally wrote that on the blackboard 100 times. I journaled my dialy progress and success or failure with a group of verbally abusive men committed to reform(two years later I still do). It will help your marriage and your life to stop 0630. I can suggest your google MEVAC, Men Ending Verbal Abuse and Control if you feel you need more help after you read and re-read Dr. Harley on the subject of angry outbursts.
BTW, if you have ever given up smoking.... in my experience, giving up the drug of releasing all your frustration on your partner is about ten times harder. But you can commit yourself to doing it and that is what it will take.

Blessings,
Me BS 56
She WW 50
Hers 18, 22
Mine 22, 28, 30
Ours DS 12
D-Day 1 - April 26 2009
D-Dapy 2 - October 15 2009
Exposed February 22, 2010
Me: Reforming Verbal Abuser (and I always will be).
She: still won't divulge OM # 2 despite overwhelming evidence, but slowly, ever so slowly, she is turning towards me. Some days I have hope and that is worth all the pain and patience.

0630,

I have something to say on this AO issue.


I want you to consider this as the 2 X 4 upside your head that you sorely need, because I don't hand them out often, and when I do, I pad them with foam.

Take this like that. I hope it helps.


When you throw out an AO at someone, you have decided that you have the right to treat that person with disrespect.

You made that decision because YOU betrayed YOUR OWN VALUES.

Yes. YOU BETRAYED YOUR OWN VALUES.

Here's how:

Usually, you go through life with the belief that everyone ought to be treated fairly, with respect for their basic rights as a human being. You are polite and kind to strangers in Wal-Mart because you basically believe people deserve to be treated that way. At work, you speak to co-workers with respect, and you do not curse at them even when they do something wrong, or perhaps seemingly violate a social or work boundary - mainly because you believe that it is important to maintain your own control and you also don't betray your belief that you should treat people a particular way.

You would treat the President this way if you met him, even if you disagreed with his politics, because you carry the internal belief that you treat people with a certain degree of respect. You treat your boss with respect, even when you do not like what he tells you to do, and when you disagree with the way he might want you to do something, and even when you don't like the way he asks you to do it. You treat the cashier at the corner store with decorum for the same reasons, even when she is grouchy to you. It is simply an internal mechanism you have. You "control" yourself, and you do not have AO's with these people - even though you may find them disagreeable or despicable, for that matter.


Yet, you find it completely acceptable to let loose on your own spouse?


You BETRAY this internal "rule" of yours. The "reason" for this?

You find your spouse "blameworthy". You make the decision internally that your spouse has done something, or has a quality (he/she is lazy, or disrespectful to you, or mean, or whatever it is), and therefore, somehow, you now have the RIGHT

you are now ENTITLED

to completely betray your own sense of how other human beings are to be treated???????



Your spouse causes you to do this - it is your spouse's fault, because if he/she had not had an affair, or had been nicer today, or if they hadn't said that one thing, or hadn't triggered you......


No way!!!!!


You make the DECISION, 0630. YOU DECIDE that your spouse is blameworthy, and therefore you believe you have the right to treat your spouse as badly as you want to.



And every time you make this decision, you betray yourself FIRST. Then, after you betray your own rules, you betray your spouse in the sense that you treat him/her worse than you would treat a stranger in Wal-Mart.


No excuse for that. None.


Schoolbus

According to this News Article from the San Francisco Gate, angry outbursts also increase your risk of heart attacks within 2 hours of the angry outburst.



http://www.sfgate.com/health/article/Angry-outbursts-can-increase-heart-attack-risk-5329109.php

Dr. Harley often encourages relaxation techniques to help with AO's.

This has been a great help for me. Often during the day, I try to relax my body at work so to maintain an overall 'relaxed mental state' most of the time. Even just relaxing your face, arms, legs and eventually your entire body.

It really does work!

A great way to practice this is in traffic or in situations that typically get your adrenaline flowing. Had to practice it just today at the Post office!

The idea is to not say anything or react when you feel the adrenaline starting to get into your blood stream.

Dr. Harley has stated many times that people are insane when they have an AO. He used to have a problem with them himself.

Getting the adrenaline out of your system restores you mentally to a normal state.

Practicing a little each day even in situations that could be even mildly irritating can help you deal with worse times.

Additionally, realizing that no one MAKES you have an AO is critical.

We are all responsible for our behaviors.

No one can MAKE you have an AO. This is a choice we all make.