AEK, one date night a week isn't going to get it. Sit down today and schedule out 20 hours of UA time for this week. How can you make that happen? UA time is critical, especially right now. It sounds like you've let that slide, and it should be your first priority.

This is a bad mix: Lack of UA time gives few opportunities to meet each other's needs, gives no new, good memories and leaves you mentally open to obsess over old, bad memories. Add to that your proximity to OW and you've got gunpowder.

This much contact is killing you, and slowly (sometimes not-so-slowly) poisoning your EXCELLENT chances of recovery.

If there is so much incidental contact within the community for you, think about your FWH, as well. He is also being triggered. This, too, puts your M at grave risk.

You are a poster child for the need to move. As much hassle and upheaval as that will be, you will have unbelievable peace when you are out of this whole storm of triggers.

Double dittoes on what the others said about UA time. In your case, I don't believe that's enough on its own - it needs to be combined with a whole different location. The two are intertwined, and spell your very best chance of successful R.

Your FWH puts in love deposits, and they STAY in because you aren't constantly having them triggered away by things that are NOT HIS FAULT, except that he had the A in the first place.

You need to get to where there are not fresh pains and consequences, so you can stop beating him up in your mind about what he did but is no longer doing, and let him meet your EN's.

Yes we need more time together.....I am destroying what little hope we have. I am obsessed with the OW and I am depressed that I have lost friends. I am nervous about my husbands new job as it is a little uncertain and very political. I need to find a positive spin on my life as I am currently in a very dark place and cannot crawl out.

I am in a very very dark place.....how do I get out? I don't want to be the victim any more.

My son was happy to see him.....they were great friends. he was nervous about telling me about the card and kept it secret for a day.......the card is now in the bin. I do not know how she got the address.....but I don't like the way she is still in my life.

Thank you for your advice. The contact is killing me and it is ruining our recovery. I know that I am pushing him away and I do not know how to stop. Moving is not so easy.....he has done something that in his profession is frowned upon. Getting another job will be hard. He is working at a school where the overall senior school head is non judgemental and knows my H and how could he is. It's all such a mess.

I've had enough....I am going to throw him out

Hold on, AEK! Remember there is a near-guaranteed roller coaster ride, especially during the first year of recovery. You are going through completely normal gyrations of emotions, all understandable. And it's horrible.

How about phone counseling with one of the Harleys? Separation and divorce is another way of dealing with adultery, absolutely, and you have every right, but it's going to just as difficult as going through recovery. Is your H in the process of recovery with you? Just compensation, repentant? If you two are missing your UA time, 20 hours a week, that's got to be your priority. Everything else really pales in importance.

I totally understand that MB is not about saving marriage at all costs, but divorce is a painful expensive process and the child custody issues are going to be an additional issue.

Please hold on and think things through carefully and logically. Believe me, I've had my times of anger and wanted to leave. Only a couple of weeks ago, I began looking up flight info and working on the logistics of setting up my own place back in the USA. I went for a good long walk and thought about it all very carefully, realizing that my FWH had made a dumb mistake with EPs, but he was willing to fix that hole, and he did.

Your H cannot go back and change what he did. Is he working on the marriage now? Moving would be such a great way out of this hole you two are in with all the triggers. I just can't imagine living in the same place where OW and all her cronies reside. It would make me insane, I'm sure.

Okay, AEK. You are within your rights to do so. Just let me give you some things to consider before you do:

How is the divorce going to work? Will your H move away? To another side of town? Where would he go?

Where would YOU go? Think about it. Figure out the logistics. Get a pen and paper and put the pluses of divorce on one side and the minuses on another.

Determine what you truly feel you will gain from divorce. Will it be a relief to you? Is it your WH you want to leave, or the pain? Understand that the pain is going to go with you. You won't be leaving that behind in the courtroom after the divorce is final.

Honestly determine this: do you want to leave your H, or your pain?

I'm sorry, AEK, I think your marriage is very salvageable, but you are cutting yourself daily by this continued contact with OW. I suspect that's the real problem, and that's what is hindering your recovery.

That's a lot to ask of a kid, AEK1. To keep him vulnerable to contact and then for him to have to figure out how to handle it. I wonder if he worries that it may be his fault his family is breaking up. I bet he wishes that he hid the card better.

Maybe he wishes that someone would take control and close the channels of communication to ensure no contact ever again. So he can be a kid again.

Is that enough reason for you to move?

Your son did the right thing by telling you about the card and now you are seriously thinking about breaking up his family because you have been triggered again.

Is he also worrying about the OW showing up at his games and triggering you some more? Good grief.

That's a lot of pressure for a kid. It might teach him to start to lie and cover things up. Get him out of there. Protect him.

Of course it won't be easy to move. For most people, it's nearly impossible. That's why you need to start right now, because it may take a while.

How do you get out of the dark hole? You put on your Cape of Power, stand up, and begin to make changes in your life. Even if it takes a while to complete the process of moving, as long as you're moving forward it will give you power over your sense of helplessness.

Right now you feel powerless and even paralyzed. That's because you're looking at spending the rest of your life in The Abyss. Constantly triggered, constantly having it thrown in your face that your FWH strayed.

Because that view of the future is intolerable, you're thinking of ditching your FWH to make it stop, instead of getting out of The Abyss altogether. But whether he is there or not, you still have to heal from the same wounds you already have. If you stay there, with or without him, you will still face the same daily triggers.

Do you really think it will hurt less if he is not there? No...then you will have the pain of being separated from him, without any of the benefits of his presence. Plus the pain of your kids as their family falls to pieces. Yes, it will ultimately be FWH's fault, because he cheated in the first place, but will that make you feel better?

Time to take charge of your life and your R. Some of what you feel is the normal roller coaster of R, and some is the terrible feeling of being adrift in a sea of pain, floating whichever way the wind blows. Once your actions start you in the right direction, better feelings will follow.

Right now, you are your own worst enemy to R, whether marital or personal. It's up to you where *you choose* to go from here.

Thank you. I am ashamed to say that I tried to take my life last night. I am at the bottom on the pit and I need to get out.

AEK, you are severely depressed and seriously at risk. You must phone a suicide hotline if you get those feelings again.

Please make an emergency appointment with you doctor, right now. There is very little that we can do for you on a message board, when you are suicidal. YOU MUST GET HELP.

Where was your H when you were at rock bottom last night? Is he aware of your mental state? Is he doing anything to help you? Did he get you to hospital after the attempt? Where are you now?

Please contact the Samaritans @ www.samaritans.org

AEK, PLEASE get help immediately. What you are emotionally dealing with is extremely painful, and it's not a shameful thing to seek medical attention.

MANY people are very depressed after D-Day and throughout some of the recovery period.

Just get help. Medication really will help smooth out your emotions during this horrible roller coaster ride. I don't know if you have ever taken antidepressants, but they do NOT make you feel drugged. They really can help.

Don't live this way anymore. Your family needs you. Don't let the A win!

Call your doctor or a hotline right away and get help on your way.

I am seeing people today. I was at hospital until 2am. My H came home but he didn't come to hospital with me...a friend did. I found out that OW actually starting stitching me up even before she started shagging my H. She is so evil. I cannot let her win. I will not.

As a fellow Brit, I know that a suicide attempt will be reported to Social Services because you have minor children. You must think about your children, AEK.

This is a gravely serious situation, and while we are trying to talk to you about medical help, you are still focusing on OW!

What time are you seeing a medical professional today? Is this your GP, or a specialist at the hospital? Is someone going with you? Is someone with you now? Are the children at school? How were they affected by the events in the night?

I am determined to keep my head above water.....yesterday is in the past.